Progress Report

HAIR
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour

A few dark hairs around my nipples

BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only


VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL

MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.


SEX DRIVE
Still strong


Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being

OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..

Why me worry...

All that can be sad....

Im in Japan and pretty much doing all my blogging on youtube for the time being. Please look me up as user BLUEKINOKO

And a lasting recommendation...

http://whyvistasucks.blogspot.com/

Progress Report (among other things)

I went to see Dr Rosemary Jones at North Adelaide. She is a gynacologist, yay!
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...

Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!

I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.

I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.

I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.

I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.

Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.

HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!

VOICE
Gone high and raspy

MOOD
Im all good. No rage

SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T

Novacaine

I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.

Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.

I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.

In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..

Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.

Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.

I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.

Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.

I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.

I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.

---

Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.

I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.

I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.

People see what they want to see.

Progress Report

Was I always this macho?

Muscles
Yes, definately. I was looking at myself in the mirror and Ive got definition across my shoulders, pecs and abs.

Still have a fat ass though

Odor
Not so bad. Im making sure to keep myself clean and odor free.

Libido
High as usual for a teenage boy. However instead of walking around with a tent pole its more like Ive sprung a leak. So, this requires constant changing of underwear and extra attention in regards to hygiene in the shower.

Voice
Sexy. Has moments when its higher than usual. I have to keep an eye on my tone though because I was caught the other day talking like a girl.

Hair
This is starting to worry me a little. But I know its probably all in my head. There was talk about psych meds stunting facial hair growth (as a lot of men had reported) and it made me wonder if anti depressants count as psych meds and if thats the reason my facial hair seems to be decreasing.

Or maybe like I said, its all in my head.

Acne
Yep, im fine.
Maybe my brothers were just really gross and dirty


Other
Nooooo idea. Im passing as male 100% of the time.
I shaved my head and now look like eminem.


And here is another photo spam.. .just because its cute... and fucking hilarious!!!

Progress Report

My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.

Im horny (no change)

Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.

There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.

My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.

My face has a different shape to it.

Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.

No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.

Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.

Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)

Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.

The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.

I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])

I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.

I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.

In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.

And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.


July 2007




August 2008

Progress Report

Its been 1 week on the new drugs (yay! drugs!) and Ive had no adverse side-effects and the injection site was healed and painless less that 24 hours later.

I have been very much in the mood to be active (Read: Beat the crap out of someone) and apart from that and my awful body odor there have been no changes.

I shaved my peach fuzz off.

Reandron

The latest T. Drug to rock our worlds. Alex here to give you the inside scoop on what the FTM community has to say.

"Ive had 2 periods now and keep getting migraines......and the worst part of it is that the endo didnt say that this might happen. I really wasn't informed about the possibility of my periods coming back...which after 6 months of not having them
has just made me hit rock bottom, like all the progress id been making
is back to zero.
"

And pretty much its been a negative impression all-round.

Unfortunately the packaging doesnt say anything about the adverse affects on FTMs (this generation is still the lab rats, its seems). So what it does entail is the possibility of water retention, rashes, the runs, headaches and such. Which admittedly is similar to the sustanon.

Im happy to deal with all of the above but not my period. I stand by my decision though. Ill keep the world updating on how it all pans out.

Oh and Ill be starting antidepressants (Same as last time) as of tomorrow.

Weirdest looking boy I've ever seen

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Progress Report

I had my make-up shot of T yesterday and to change the pace a little - Asuka gave it to me.

The most terrifying moment Ive ever experienced.
By far.

I kind of swithced between two personalities. One that was calm and trying to tell Asuka that she will do a fantastic job and the other which was a panicked mess. And you cant blame me!
Here I was at the mercy of my syringe-brandishing girlfriend. Isnt that how most murder stories begin?????

As soon as she aimed it into my muscle I became very interesting in a poster on the wall. For the life of me though I cannot remember what it was talking about but in that instant it was the only thing in my world.

And then it was over. I hardly felt a thing. She did a fantastic job, really!
I was alive!
The hard part was over! YAY!

So we went on our way to the shops after that and I took a seat while Asuka went to the bathroom. In hindsight I should have gone too.
Because as soon as I sat down to rest my stressed body, the urine I had been holding in while I was being injected suddenly gushed out.

I could explain in detail but pretty much how it happened was I wet myself while getting the needle (only a little!!!) and it had been kept inside my body until Id sat down...

So what an interesting end to a lovely day.

Progress Report

I went to hospital to get an adjustment on my binder. The lady redid the measurements and she was surprised. She was like "How did I make such a mistake with the measurement!?"

It turns out that Ive grown all over about 2cms on average. Even my shoulders have grown which baffled her the most.

My voice is going up and down its depressing.

My period has stopped which Im thrilled. And because of the blood test I had to miss my shot. So Im panicked that its gonna start back up again. But I think I mentioned that before.

Progress Report

Well, I had an appointment with the shrink aaaaand I told him that Ive being taking T. from elsewhere. He laughed and told me I was a 'naughty boy'. Then I corrected him, pointing out 'manipulative' would possibly be better.

Annnnnyway, so he gave me a piece of paper saying I have to go get a blood test. The results would then be sent to either an endo(some sort of specialist) or a gyno.

Me: ...

The gyno is apparently a MTF and she is very careful with her work and make sure that Im 100% fit and ready before clearing me for the T.

The endo on the otherhand doesnt want much to do with me. And is closer.

I chose the gyno because contray to popular belief, Im not a moron - I have to keep a check on my 'manhole' (the new word for my vagina). So she'll give me a papsmear and crap like that. Joy.

The results of the bloodtest will also be sent to my GP (who gave me a lovely yet graphical tutorial on 'bathroom mechanics' much to the embarrassment of my girlfriend). Oh and he also gave me a pen. SCORE!

Because of my bloodtest tomorrow morning I will not be having my injection today. Shame.
And now it occured to me why dont I just do it tomorrow night or something? Duh.

So, in regards to bodily changes my period hasnt come which is both joyous and scary.

And in closing, my mother says Im 'sex-crazed'.
So, its obvious she knows so why bother keeping it down?

Progress Report

Its been 9 weeks which is about 2 and a bit months. How lovely. I thought it was time for a special review so this one will be covered by Asuka who shall do the 'non paranoid' version of my progress.

The last time she saw me was March 2008 and she arrived in late July (T.Day was early June so practically a month later)

Here is her story
*LAW AND ORDER MUSIC*

Asuka: Lower. Especially in the morning. When you try to shout or when you try to use your voice higher it breaks *she kindly demonstrates* ... like that. Your voice is lower than Waffle.

Asuka: Moustache. A little bit. Ummm... but you shaved...hehehehehe


Asuka: Your hair colour has changed....is that because of...?
Alex: ....
Asuka: ... (^^!)

Asuka: MUSCLES! Is it because you worked hard?
Alex: I didnt work so much on them.
Asuka: Liar, you did it for me, because I like it. I give you my kiss *Kiss*

Asuka: Penis!! Thats the biggest thing
Alex: *Enjoys the pun*
Asuka: And hairy...not just there. LOL
Alex: Do you like my dick?
Asuka: Yeh, if I said no, then its a problem.
Alex: Meh.

Asuka: Your boobs havent changed yet.
Alex: Mmmm...fufufu
Asuka: OH! You smell !! Your armpits! Especially! Smells like....a guy...who belongs to a sports club. Yep.

Asuka: Your body hasnt changed. Like your figure. Parts are changing.
Asuka: Oh yes! Adams apple! Its bigger than before. You already had it huh :P Anyway, what else....

Asuka: I thought youd eat a lot, but you dont..so.. oh..you are always horny. Especially in the morning. Like, guys..*she was a little disgusted when she said that*. Its not bad...ummm....you orgasm quicker. .. and a lot... more than me...hehehe. Ok.. thats all.

-------

And there you have it.
Love and Cheese is better than Cake or Death

Progress report

Yeh, if it was a girl then that would be fine. I find it less insulting because the rule "Cant hit a girl" applies there. But the person who bullied me in the supermarket was a boy.

I wear steel capped shoes and spent most of my life in some sort of martial arts training and yet I cant kick someones ass. ... lets rephrase, I can - thats a fact and I have. I just dont often get into fights and naturally avoid them.

HAIR
I dont know what the fuck is going on with my chin. One day there is hair, the next day its gone. The stuff on my chin is good.

OTHER
I have an adams apple, I swear. Its just gotten bigger.
And according to Asuka my dick has gotten a little bigger (Since she arrived) but that is totally debatable.

SEX DRIVE
Im satisfied so no problem

Progress Report

Hair
More and more.. but still now visible unless you are sitting under my nose. Asuka says when I kiss her she can feel it scratching her face.

Body Odor
Probably settled a little bit. I wash but smell as soon as I get out of the shower so Ive given up and am inveseting in deoderants.

Sex drive
Ive been having sex everyday so frankly.. Im having more than enough.

Other
My period is coming I think and I just cant handle it. It seems that before it starts I seem more female than any other time. When I look in the mirror I can see it. It scares me and I dont want to go outside. I realise that this is exactly what I was like since I was 13. I despise the girl I see.

I was bullied the other day in the supermarket by someone who use to go to my old school and recognised me. Infront of my girlfriend it was rather humiliating to stand there and have my dignanty crushed.

That was a wake up call that Im not a man to some people.
I dont think I can handle things at the moment so Im considering returning to anti-depressants.

You know what's funny? Danny and I never saw little blue men. We see shadow people. Has anyone else seen them?

Progress Report

VOICE
I just did some scales. I seemed to have dropped an entire octave (for the time being). My previous vocal range was B3 to E5 where as now Im looking at B2 to D#4

HAIR
I have black hairs on my upper lip!! Im so happy! There are about 4 and they are on the right side. I called the biggest one Dave. :)

Tummy is getting hairier and its going not only down towards my groin but a little is going up towards my chest.

*fingers crossed* please no chest hair, please no chest hair.

OTHER
Breasts havent changed btw... and body fat hasnt changed...

S.A UNIT again...

More discussion on Dr. Lyons and the WPATH SOC which is the 'handbook' for medical standards when treating FTM patients and MTF patients.

Yet again we'll be hearing from the User Maddfish.
I'll be bolding things of interest to myself.
---



Well, I guess I'm only talking about SA, which does have the "one and
one only option" thing happening to a huge degree...

I quote from the WPATH SOC

XI. Breast Surgery

For female-to-male patients, a mastectomy procedure is usually the first
surgery performed for success in gender presentation as a man; and for
some patients it is the only surgery undertaken.
When the amount of breast tissue removed requires skin removal, a scar
will result and the patient should be so informed. Female-to-male
patients may have surgery at the same time they begin hormones (1).

XII. Genital Surgery
Eligibility Criteria. These minimum eligibility criteria for various
genital surgeries equally apply to biologic males and females seeking
genital surgery. They are:
1. Legal age of majority in the patient's nation;
2. Usually 12 months of continuous hormonal therapy for those without a
medical
contraindication (see below, "Can Surgery Be Performed Without Hormones
and the Real-life Experience");
3. 12 months of successful continuous full time real-life experience.
Periods of returning to the original gender may indicate ambivalence
about proceeding and generally should not be used to fulfill this
criterion;
4. If required by the mental health professional, regular responsible
participation in
psychotherapy throughout the real-life experience at a frequency
determined jointly by the patient and the mental health professional.
Psychotherapy per se is not an absolute eligibility criterion for
surgery;
5. Demonstrable knowledge of the cost, required lengths of
hospitalizations, likely
complications, and post surgical rehabilitation requirements of various
surgical
approaches;
6. Awareness of different competent surgeons.




--- In OzGuys@yahoogroups.com, Al wrote:
>
> >could have got less scar tissue and
> >probably kept nipple sensation if I lived overseas
>
> It might be a good time to remind new guys there are three surgeons in
Perth doing various techniques not to mention other surgeons in the
other capital cities.
> IMHO you don't need to go overseas to get a good result

Part of the readiness criteria is demonstrating an understanding of
different methods and results etc (#5 above n reference to lower
surgery) . I demonstratably did this, ending up with two surgeons on my
final list to "interview". They were Dr Katsaros and a NSW surgeon. The
NSW surgeon is very good, I know several guys who have been to the
surgeon and have excellent results, however for no reason I can name, I
felt uncomfortable (in that 'wierded out', something ain't quite right
sense) with this surgeon, so I was happy enough to go with Dr Katsaros.
On the other hand, it's not like I ended up with a choice, once Dr.
Lyons decided to refer me, he didn't even ask what I thought of the two
surgeons - I was just expected to be grateful for what I was given. In
SA, overseas is just as far away as interstate...

In reality, both #5 and #6 are incompatible with the SA unit, where you
can demonstate as much awareness as you like, you will only be referred
locally, even if that is not going to be a good result for you.

You do really need to be careful if you go interstate from SA. Dr. Lyons
will coerce interstate psychs into referring you back to him (and not to
any surgeon) if he finds out.

The situation is also vastly different for lower surgery. Someone
correct me if I'm wrong here, but there are a total of three surgeons
that (to various degrees) undertake one form or another of FtM genital
reconstruction in Australia: Hearsche (sp?) who has been in trouble with
the AMA and gets some really awful results for both men and women; Ceber
(Monash) who stopped operating last year, citing his own complication
rate, which was about double that expected (I believe he is operating
again now); and Kimble down in Tassie, whom I haven't heard a lot about.
These surgeons (allowance for my lack of knowledge re. Kimble) simply
aren't the equal of the Belgian team, Belgrade team, perhaps Stephanides
(USA), Meltzer, the Montreal team... (and of course, Thailand for our
women counterparts).
Again, for guys, there is no one "magic bullet" operation. Even if the
most competent surgeon in the world was Aussie, any particular man might
prefer a different result (maybe meta vs phallo, or buccal graft vs
vaginal graft or forearm vs abdominal flap etc..)

Personally I feel that part of the problem is:
a) lack of population. Australia could maybe sustain one surgeon doing
GRS - and this really doesn't help us guys given the plethora of
techniques around
b) the attitude (problem) here. When I was doing the psych thing, Dr.
Lyons tried to convince me that it was OK for a surgeon not to want to
show anyone their results or publish in academic journals because they
didn't want it publicly known that they were undertaking genital
reconstructive surgeries on trans patients (2)- that it was only a small
part of their practice and I should be happy I had the option at all. I
tried to convince him that whatever, but I was more inclined to
investigate and eventually visit a surgeon who didn't find their work
shameful and that I could investigate and understand *before* I spent
the time and money travelling to see them.

------------------------

(1) I was told that I had to have T for 12months before I could have surgery.
(2) This is odd and I can really see any reason why a doctor would want to without evidence of the surgery.

Something smells really rotten in the SA Unit.
The things I find most odd is that Dr. Lyons has mentioned that the Melbourne clinics work faster and that if I found the support of a political party Id be able to have all I wanted tomorrow. Why would he put all these ideas to me?

I have my next appointment in August. I'll be asking for:
- My script for T
- If no, then why not?

There is a triad mentioned in the WPATH SOC. It goes Real Life -> Hormones -> Surgery. That is the path Im suppose to follow. Its been over a year now of my 'real life experience' and Im doing well. Only through help have I managed to obtain Hormones and have been on them for about 2 months now and Im doing well.

I see no reason to be denied hormones. Im mentally able (being labelled a Drama-Queen) and ive cleared all other standards... so why am I still here?

--

Now to completely contradict myself Ive become all paranoid. Im trying to find out what triggers it and so far all I have is stress. The only thing is.. I dont feel stressed so it becomes harder to measure what's going on in my head. I came to the stress conclusion based on their were stressful events happening around the time of my episodes of insanity.

At the moment, school is starting up and Asuka is coming next week. Those are my 'stress factors' I think.

What's crazy? Umm... normal objects have been mistaken as scary things. You know, the stuff that use to happen to you as a kid. Its happening to me now. Usually if you stare at something it would go away and you'd recognise it but for me they arent going away.

I refuse to go back onto anti-depressants so Im going to focus on taking the Fish Oil cruddy tablets like my GP suggested.

TRANSITION UPDATE

HAIR
Im getting black hairs on my belly (more and more) and some of them are appearing over night. Its rather odd. I look like that Sand monster from Return of the Jedi.

No dark ones on my face though :(

VOICE
There is a pattern! Deep -> Cracky -> High -> Deep ->Rinse and repeat.
Yesterday was my Cracky day so now Im kind of high. It was suggested I go to a voice trainer and Im still giving it more thought. Id rather do it myself and save the $60. There should be a voice training videos for FTMs like there is for MTFs.

S.A. UNIT

A member from the FTMAustralia forum posted this and I thought it would be nice to share as it mentions my pysch (Dr. Lyons) and addressing some ideas I was toying with in my mind.

--

With all the new SA guys, I feel compelled to say that it is possible
to fight the SA unit - to an extent.

Two examples, Rob Lyons won't tell you that the minimum he needs to
see you (to ensure his duty of care) is every three months, not every
month.

Also, if you get referred to Dr Tony Roberts as your endo, he will
insist all he is allowed to prescribe is Sustanon 250 / three weeks.
However, he has a habit of giving you a bit more than a year's worth
on one script (I actually couldn't fill my last repeat because the
script was too old). Ask him to give you 6 shots at once (saves
pharmacy dispensing fee, if you go to the Chemist Warehouse near DJ's
you'll get it for the authority script price, i.e. ~$62). When you
start getting the new script six weeks early, all you need to say is
that your GP adjusted the dose (mine did after blood tests). Two weeks
is the standard dosing schedule (it even says so in the patient
information), so the pharmacist shouldn't have too much of a problem.

Unfortunately, for surgery you're kind of stuck. This one, even I went
interstate for. I'd recommend against allowing Lyons to find out
you're seeking care elsewhere as he will be a real pain about it when
he sees you and he will jeopardise your treatment interstate (i.e. by
instructing an interstate psych not to treat you). But you have to
weigh up how you feel about being dishonest, depending on how you play
this one.

FWIW. The SA unit doe not conform to the WPATH SOC and is in fact
moving against those treatment guidelines.

Progress Report

5 Week Mark...



Muscles
Very nice.
Not fat movement yet.

Ive been doing a lot of chest exercises (push ups and that tuggy thing that builds your pecs). I read that if you have a good amount of muscle definition your chest reconstruction will look better because the surgeon will have something to work on.

Makes sense.


Da Wang
He's fine. Im looking into stretching it and making it bigger. 2" is a high goal but Im gonna shoot for it.


Sex Drive
Loving it.
Im having trouble making sex last though. Im usually cuming before Ive even got my pants off. Then Im very sleepy and just wanna crash.

Hey! Not a problem for me! But Ive gathered women dont like that so much...

Facial Hair
I shaved everything back and Im watching it closely as it grows back to see if there are hairs that are growing faster or what the hell is the deal.


Acne
Im 13 all over again. However, when I was 13 I didnt have much acne so perhaps it's waiting around the corner.

2/3 of my brothers had TERRIBLE acne so Im on edge.


Body Odor
Problem Solved.
Thank you Adidas and thank you Waffles!


Voice
Settled.
It's still a shock for me to try and sing and make dinosaur noises (A hobby of mine)


Emotions
Normal.
Depression - Normal in occurance but not as crippling.

Progress Report

Muscleshttp://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1809858_1811192,00.html
Still good. No change in any thing else fat/muscle wise. Exercise apparently helps the T

Da Wang
Hasnt changed

Sex Drive
Managable. I like these morning boners (currently has one). Its got to be the best way to wake up.

Facial Hair
In Japanese we call them TAKARAGE. They are these hairs that have excelled growth compared to the rest. Well, Ive noticed a few on my upper lip.

Acne
Doing ok.

Body Odor
My cat likes the smell. She has taken to cleaning my (my armpits mainly). I dont mind really because it takes the smell away faster than any deodorant.

Voice
Settled down a bit. Im in the habit of trying to use my old pitch which then makes my throat hurt. So Im trying to break that and get use to this new soothing tone which makes my chest vibrate..

Emotions
Emotions? What emotions? Bah!


Other
Yes my period came! In very painful clots and I went insane. Im usually very unhappy and desperate when I get to my period but this...was... well, not the worst but I was surprised. Dont you think Id have gotten use to it? Its been 5 years already!
Anyway, after my booster shot of T it kind of...stopped.. ish... and now its just been very mild.

I definately prefer it in the arm. However when the doctor had the needle in there I was tempted to say "You know, Ive never had a man penetrate me so deeply". Then I thought, Hmmm lets not anger the man with the pointy sharp thing....

Progress Report

Muscles
Still good. No change in any thing else fat/muscle wise.

Da Wang
Hasnt changed

Sex Drive
Stupidly high. I want sex and I want it now. Im self servicing every night so far. Ive also noticed I havent lost my ability for multiple orgasms. Couple that with my high demand for sex and we've got a very very big problem. Waffles unfortunately got caught in my horny path.

Facial Hair
The hair I shaved off a few weeks ago has grown back.. .blonde.. so nope, nothing yet.

Acne
Still breaking out here and there.

Body Odor
Still smell weird

Voice
Yes! Definately different! Danny has noticed. Its gone down a little. Im also having a little bit of trouble controling the volume. The day before I noticed a clearer difference I was having trouble speaking. Like it was taking more energy and my throat was tense.

But after 2 days of an interesting voice its returned to its previous level. Althogh when I laugh or just sometimes after a break in conversation it goes down again.

Emotions
After being irritable for a few days, Im now feeling like I wanna curl up and cry (which I did and it didnt help anything!) My period SHOULD be soonish.. so hmm... its going to be very interesting to see what happens.


Other
I dont know what to make of this but my face is very flushed a majority of the time. Its very hot!

Its almost annoying having all the blood up there. I feel like I wanna say "Hey! Get back in my pants!"

Breaking it off

Well, my true identity (alex) was disclosed to my friend's Danny 's mother. She has met me before under my former name. Anyway her mother found out and went on and on to Danny and asking if we were going out and stuff and blah blah blah. So in conclusion, I said I wouldnt meet her again... with the exception of the holidays when she will stay at my house for a few days.. but yeh after that no.

Unfortunately Danny said Im going to a doctor to fix my problem ... so... mmm... yeh... I dont know how I feel about her mother knowing.. because I dont particularly like that mother for her general socipathic tendancies... mmm yeh.


Well, I guess I am going to miss having a girl who likes woman as much as I do. For most of my life I was the only lesbian.. so.. mm... I hope you can understand how I feel.

Progress Report

I had my second shot of Man Juice ... in my ass. Yeh, Im going to opt for the arm. Also for D.I.Y. injections I think that in the arm has to be easier. Im yet to stab my own ass but its just a thought.

Also, with the soreness its a little hard to sleep if you are restless like me. Last night I had some sort of fit and jumped up and down on my bed in my sleep, landing square on the injection site. It was quite a shock.

CHANGES!!

Muscles
I havent done much exercise (Ive stopped my weekly boxing and the only thing Ive been doing is...well... nothing) My biceps are very nice and my abs are alright too. I can explain the exercise of the abs though... which brings me to my next point

Da Wang
My dick is still large when erect. Very nice. Im able to have some for of penetrative sex. However, I havent noticed any growth since the first spirt. *grabs a ruler* It seems Im 1.7cm flaccid at the moment.

Sex Drive
Going down again. Im thinking about sex a lot but that has always been ;)

Facial Hair
Nope, nothing

Acne
Yes. Slightly more than usual.
I have it normally on the forehead however, Im getting a few on my cheeks which is a totally new place for me. Also my upper lip seems to be getting a bit oily and breaking out. My back is clean as a whistle.

Body Odor
Yes. My urine smells and Im stinking. This one isnt set fast because yeh it could be a food thing.

Voice
Probably.. a fraction.. a tiny iddy bitty bit but nothing really. My voice seems to naturally change between high and low so its hard to judge. The other day I did a guitar sing a lot by my self and I did notice that my voice did feel tighter when singing previously 'easy' notes.




Right now Im watching TODAY in America. Its a NEWS show if you dont know. Is really lame. They just had these really stupid mistakes. One of them was an interview with an American Soldier in charge of taking care of the flooding over there.

Reporter: If the President said he would give you anything you need right now what would you ask for?
Army Dude: Well, Ive been working really close with the techinical team here, finding out how we can stop the leaks.
Reporter: ....
Me: ....

Progress Report

I just measured myself after a shower. My wang is just pushing 1.7cm
After stretching I finished up at 2.2cm

In general, Im horny but yeh nothing absolutely insane. I think its more of being off meds and having some T to spare in my blood.

Ive noticed my depression has specific times, reaching it ultimate peak at night.

At the moment I feel so bummed out that Im convinced my depression has somehow turned into a physical thing and is crushing me with its weight. It seems hard to breathe.

Really - there is no progress. I just needed someone to talk to

Progress Report

My arm was very hot around the injection site. That cause the most discomfort.

Only changes so far is my sex drive. I have like an ache in my groin but yeh... its ok. Im doing ok with it so far.

My mood has been pretty happy but every now and again I stop and feel like Im out of energy and that Im sad. Then it fades and I go back to being rather happy.

Also, (my period finished about 3 days ago) Ive noticed Im bleeding after sex. It could have been a fingernail issue which Im now pretty sure it is. However the one thing that I thought was weird was when I was cleaning myself in the shower.. a kind of blood clot came out. Very small.

At the moment Im putting it down to coincidence but Im definatly keeping an eye on the issue.

Ex-Gay Camp

My mum said again that "Wouldnt it be easier if you were just gay?"

Blah blah blah more crap...

Then I said I feel so much happier being Alex. Apparently she has noticed.

Then she asked if the doctor has tried changing the mind to fit the body instead of the body to the mind.

She feels like Im gonna blame her and that maybe she shouldnt have let me play rough and tumble.

I said it seems a lot like those ex-gay camps... that failed miserably... ARGH... how do I fix this crap..

So I said Im just gonna move out... Arhhhhhhh....

You had a bad day

Argh I dont know what it is exactly about my Psych but he annoys me. I feel like he's not really helping. Hes taking my money and yeh.. all I feel is bad! rrrrr....

Oh and the fact I had to catch a 6am train..

Then I went to see my G.P. and fell asleep in the waiting room. Apparently I was out cold.

Anyway...so afterwards I got drunk and caught a bus. This really nice lady was at the bus stop with me. She was looking at me in a very non accusing way and asked "Isnt it a bit early?"

"For what?"

"To be drinking"

I checked my watch to see it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Id been up for more than 12 hours so... no.. for me, that was my late afternoon. However, I completely forgot that the average man has "Drinking Hours" where as I have a beer with breakfast.

Anyway, Im back on the drugs. Not the mellow yellow ones but the man juice ones. So, Ill be able to keep a track record again of how Im doing. It was an injection again..and fuck! You know as soon as you get an injection EVERYONE hits you.

Oh the pain... the pain of it all!!!

Mm, Im still on the hunt for cheap and accessable T. Apparently it is also available from people who own sheep. However, in my doped stage of tiredness I didnt ask any questions like...

What kind of sheep owners? And what the hell do they use it for anyway?!

Other news...Ummm .. my general being an asshole attitude has pushed everyone away from me. How do I feel about this - fine I guess. I dont know. I dont have any big feelings about it apart from 'hey yeah, I am a dick!'

Whatever whatever whatever...
Im feeling a lot of indifference.

Argh, looks like Im gonna have to write a list of things I can improve on and things I do that make people feel bad.

This is the best strategy for not being a dick I can think of and I dont think its working because Im repeating my behaviour. Any suggestions?

A little more confessing

I talk like I have a dick.
When Im horny, Im hard.
When I wanna piss, I take a slash or I bleed the lizard.

I remember my first girlfriend saying to me "Id enjoy sleeping with you if I could feel something in your pants"

God that hurt me.

It was just like that. A lot. I did whatever I could to fight it.
Its not true that girls can do anything guys can.

I said it before. I felt like I had the wrong equiptment for the game.

And even though I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy. It doesnt bother me (90% of the time) that I dont have a dick. I mean, unless Im having sex.. then Im sometimes so bummed I just dont wanna do it but thats off topic.....

My problem is everyone else.
Asuka ignores my chest. It probably gets as much stimulation in sex as my belly and out of sex its just out right ignored.
Danny likes them. She admires them and wants to fondle them.

Both these girls and their attitude though.. depresses me.

No surgery can give me what Im missing. Im aware of that. This is an issue that I have to deal with. Possible a trust issue or a self esteem issue. A mix of both

No one can love me and I dont trust my lover?

Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because I need to get it out of my head

Shock Horror

Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.

I dont care.

I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.

Im just not afraid of something I cant see.

Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?

Yeh it doesnt matter.

Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.

I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.

So, please look forward to photos in the future.

I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)

My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.

When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.

Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...

Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.

Im out of beer.
Darn

Shameful

Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.

I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.

*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*

So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!

By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.

BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.

Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.

Unforutnately not eh...whatever..

Back on track.

Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery

Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.

Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.

In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.

Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.

Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.

I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.

In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.

People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.

That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.

Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.

I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.

So..

with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.

Love and Cheese

The cure

There is a fruit fly theyve been doing tests on. When they poke this part of its brain they can change it from gay to straight. They said its much like a switch.

This is the stepping stone in finding out what makes gay humans tick.

Now lets say they find the same switch in our brain. Would you take it?
Waffles says no.
I say yes.
What do you say?

Nightmares

Argh, I keep having the same dreams.
1 - having chest surgery
2 - my teeth are crumbling or falling out somehow

its freaking me out!!

other news.. umm...

my mum is asking about my friend (whether or not she is gay) and I find it odd that it matters.

She sleeps with me. So? Thats all you need to know!

People ask me "is your girlfriend... like what?"
and I say she's straight which trips them out. Like its that hard to believe.
If you think she's gay why did you ask?

Just because a person does something once doesnt make them gay. Doesnt make 'em straight. Pretty much you are what you say you are. Unless you are in denial.. then your opinion doesnt count :P

I get very edgy on this subject especially when it comes to my girlfriend or another friend of mine I met in Japan. People were so quickly to label her as a lesbian because she claimed to have a crush on another girl.

And the thing that irritates me about the issue with my gf is that she doesnt even see me as a girl. She determines this as a hetrosexual relationship. Im male - no doubt.

(oh and so does jailbait)

So neither of them are gay.

As an extention of the issue Im also offended because by calling our relationship a gay one you are saying that Im not male and that just pisses me off.

And if you say that Im not because of the fact Im missing a penis well then your gonna have to answer to a lot of angry amputees.

I took a piss in the urinals afterschool. I wanted some more practice (Ive had some accidents recently). While I was going another guy came in and was peeing next to me.. I totally FREAKED out. But he didnt really give me a second glance so I mustnt have seemed too uncomfortable.

Apart from that Im depressed and lonely and wonder really why I want a quick death so much

MORE PAIN

My jail bait bit me! I put my finger on her mouth and she bit it really darn hard. Its been about 4 hours and I can still see the teeth mark.

Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?

Well, it is me we're talking about...

Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?

It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.

Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.

Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)

Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.

In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.

Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!

Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.

Positive thinking

Yes, positive thinking is the key.

I didnt meet the TG guys. It was raining and I didnt feel like making the two hour trip on the bus to sit in a bar.

Ive seemed to grown a liking to this girl who is 15. Jail bait, anyone?
She sees me as her older brother and I see her as my young sister. Its kind of sweet and its keeping me busy worrying about someone else.

Shes an artist and I find it amazing when Im able to see her work. Its abstract. Very interesting.

For a fifteen year old she has a very interesting view on life. However it takes a long time to get anything out of her.

Apart from being facinated by this child Ive been doing nothing else. Oh, homework I guess.

Im watching Boston Legal

Final Days

I here voices every now and again. Not so bothersome.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.

I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.

Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.

Its so tempting to just hack away at it.

I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!

There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.

I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.

Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.

It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.

I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.

But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.

The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.

Most likely Yes.

Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.

I dreamt a dream

Last night I had a dream. Id found this surgeon.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.

The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.

I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.

Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.

I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.

Odd dream, isnt it.

He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.

However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.

On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.

I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.

When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.

I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.

I dont want it there.

Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!

Thats not my problem!

ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.

I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.

I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.

Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.

Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.

Pain - No it's not chemical related!

So I got bored...
As the usually begins followed by
... and I found a pair of scissors
Then before you know it someone somewhere is either a)missing hair b)missing flesh c)All of the above

In the shower with the scissors (If only Miss Scarlet was there. She was a fox!)
cutting away at my hair in the southern regions (I swear out of all the places why did my Italian Genes have to show up there!!) when suddenly ... SNIP... There was a yelp a great deal or slipping and wet mayhem.

Yeh. I dont know exactly WHERE I cut myself - the entire area just hurt.

Then I did it again.
No, not because I enjoyed it but because.. well.. yeh Im an idiot.

I also realised that the roots of my ..hair.. yeh...is blonde.. so I decided to dye it bright blue. Didnt work. What a shame. That would have looked really cool \( ^-^)V

Today was a rather awesome day actually. I got a letter today!!
My name has offically changed to Alexander William!
Now I gotta parade the piece of paper around and change it on all my forms.

Today I went to the bank to check my transactions when I handed over my card the lady just stared at me.
"This yours?"
"Yep"
"You're E****?"
"Unfortunately..."
"YOU are MISS E***** Fry?"
"Yes"
"Alright then..."

Yeh...Mmmm...It use to happen at my school too. Id give my library card to the front desk and theyd say "Oh sorry sweetie you've got your sister's card"

Other good news includes -
I get to see my fabulous GP. In a lot of reports it seems thats Trans people tend to like their GP more.

Ummm... Oh! Both my Dad AND MY MUM! are calling me Alex! Amazing..

Also I got an email from another Transman and his partner (also a tranguy). They are coming to the city for lunch and Im invited. So yeh.. Im gonna meet my first full on FTM. Kiiiinda cool ^-^

Night on Mars

I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)

It was odd. Cool. Different.

I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.

Lets just do an overview of the night.

10pm Arrived.

Bought drinks

Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman

Got drunk

Stumbled around

Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)

Danced

Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)

Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!

A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.

Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)

Watch a show of drag queens.

Left about 3am

Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.

Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)

Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)

Rather nice. Rather eventful.

Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.

Bitch.

Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.

My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!

I dont know.

Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!

*sigh*

Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion

What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.

I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.

Or is he...

Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.

Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!

Google has all the answers!

24 Hours later

Yeh, Foilwoman is right mate. SSRI's are antidepressants. Ive probably been on them for..I dunno... Since the start of the year if not a little longer?

The reason I went off...
Hard to pin point...
I think one thing was disappointing my girlfriend. When I can get any reaction from myself while making love to her or anything makes me feel..really bad. And it's really bad for her too.

Oh and you know what's funny? I still wanted to kill myself.
The difference is there was no "heart wrenching" feeling. You know that chest squeezing feeling when you lose somene you love? Yeh, its like that but blacker and tastes like loathing.

That seems to act like a motivation to get the rope out from the shed.

Where as on the medication I would still be planning and have the "I should jump onto the train tracks". But you dont know why.

I also continued to cut myself from time to time. I dont know why.
Oh.
Yeh.
My chest keeps growing and I wanted it gone.
Perhaps I was drunk but yeh I dont really remember much of the night and Ive got these cuts over my chest

No, my doctor doesnt know about me dropping the meds.
Bless him

Oh and minor hallucinations have set in. They are so minor though I dont even know if I could call them hallucinations but going under the definition of 'seeing something that is not real and induced by the mind', Im saying they are.

Just things move and look like something else when they're not.

Today I felt pretty good. Nothing wrong. Voices are quiet. Ive been thinking though.. I dont want Abraxas to come back so Im inclined to go back on the meds.

Wow, Im scared of myself! hahahaha

Oh and I cut Waffle's hair :)

Med-Free Hell

[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]

Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.

Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.

Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)

Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.

It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.

Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.

Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.

Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.

Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.

The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.

There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.

And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.

Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.

Positive note - Sex drive has returned

Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.

Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)

Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.

Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices

Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.

Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.

I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.

This is Alex signing out now

[Tape ends]


Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.

God, I just wanna stab my shrink

P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job

Cheer up Emo Kid

I fell alseep on the bus today. Again.
In true hobo style!
I woke to the bus driving saying "Kid, end of the line"
And that it was.
It also was nowhere near my house!
My stunned face gave that away so the bus driver said "Come up front, I'll drive you home. Ive finished my round anyway"

How damn nice is that?!

He dropped me to my door (which is definately not on any bus route)
So I thanked him and shook his hand and went inside.

Remarkable.
Not just his kindness to me.
Not just the kidness to another passenger he helped before I fell alseep
Not just the fact that he had a smile the entire time
But because of the rarity of such kindness

To me and Im sure to you it seems common sense but it doesnt happen that often. When a stranger acts like a friend.
Holding an elevator
Helping you to your destination
Seeing if you're alright
A smile or simple hello if you pass in the street
Offering to hold something if your phone rings or you're fumbling for your wallet

I just feel we've become isolated from each other. Too money focused.
Why are we so scared of each other?
Why does it only matter when you know that person?
You know that there is only 2 degrees of separation.. (especially in Adelaide)..
So what's stopping you from helping someone?
What's stopping us from sharing a smile?

Enough of me - here are some things that made me laugh.(Hijacked from different sites)

10 REASONS WHY GAYS SHOULDNT MARRY

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Also apparently those homosexual animals have picked up some unnatural behavior.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.


CHURCH BULLETIN MISTAKES


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”


Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.


The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.


Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends


Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early


Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor


Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar


The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in


Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so


The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice


The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience


The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy


During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.


The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir


Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance


The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"


A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."


Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."


Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice


The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her


Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity


The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children (<- My personal favourite)


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church


The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning


The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession


Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door


Ushers will eat latecomers


The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment


Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir


Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary


8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones


Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child



Ahhh, I hope you enjoyed that because I sure as hell did.
Cheer up Emo Kid

P0vv3R t0 d@ El33t!!

@73><

Foreingers say the darndest things...

Oh god, Sorry I just remembered something Asuka said. Fucking hilarious!

We went shopping at Woolworths with Asuka. Now Woolies has black baskets and red baskets. Just remember taht.

So Asuka was running around the shop with her arms full and I told her to stop and grab a basket.

But her hands were full.

"Ill get it for you then"

Ah what a nice boyfriend I am!

"Ill get a red one because they go faster"

The face I got!
The face of complete shock...and belief. "Really?" She asked

"Yes, of course. The red baskets are faster!"

Ahhh... then a few isles later she noticed I was kidding. I think it was me pissing myself laughing that gave it away.

But it still doesnt beat the time we were about to leave to go out shopping.
"Quick we gotta take a bath!"
"Bath?"
"Yeh we'll take a bath"
"But we are going out?"
"Yeh I know"
"OH!! You mean BUS!!"


HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH ... sorry...sorry... its the tequilla making the stories more amusing. Have a few shots see what it does for you

Flat

Generally speaking chest surgery costs about $500.
Its covered by medicare ( or another program or I have no fucking idea what its called) so its cheaper.
Its a day surgery kinda thing. They throw you in and they throw you out.

So.. I have the money. I have the time. I have the will. God how I want them removed. It would feel weird, Id admit but Id love the freedom!!!

FINALLY I CAN GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT WORRYING!!!

Im focusing more of my time on chest surgery now as before I was looking primarily at effects of testosterone and dealing with the family.

Next week Ill start talking to my doctors, getting some perspective, ideas, feedback, you know, whatever... and we'll see how it all goes

You think Im ok?

Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.

[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"

"What?"

"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"

"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"

"No not that!"

Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"

"Oh... ok.."

(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)

"When I start taking T it'll improve"

"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."

"..."

"...."

"Ok"

"I dont want you to change"

"Huh like what?"

"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"

FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).

Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.

Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...

Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)

male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth

So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.

Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...

I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)

Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?

I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.

Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.

Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.

And yeh.. thats it..

Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).

Yeh.. I miss her..

:(

I still pray that its not love
Go figure

The Aftermath

I got back in the ar after boxing.
"I saw a girl come out before you"
"Yep she's the only one"
"You mean the only other girl?"
"Whatever" I mutter and put my belt on.
"Did you get away with it?"
"Of course I did"

Small chatter.

"Can you use male-pronouns?"
"How about genderless pronouns?"

We arrived home and kept talking in the car. I got kinda angry and started crying. Mum tried to hug me and I pushed her hands away and said I dont want hugs or anything.

She agreed to calling me Ally. One step towards Alex. But she wont use He or Him.

I also proved my point that my mum doesnt know anything and I used that as a weapon to win the agrument.
I quizzed her on whats the difference between a Transexual, Transgender and a Transvestite.... and she was unable to answer.

Which gave me the perfect ammo of "How can you tell me what to do now if you dont even know what we are talking about"

She then pulled a tricky one on me. "If you are so concerned about how everyone sees you then I think there is a bigger issue at hand here"

Which is weird. Its a remark that when view with logic makes perfect sense.
However the world isnt logical. Humans by nature ARENT logical creatures.
So therefore the remark is practically worthless and stupid.

But as Humans, the law-abiding-logic-lovers we are, try to put everything into logic. And when I, Alex the Human, do that, I lose faith and feel a little unstable.

The bottom line is we shouldnt go crazy when the math of the world doesnt equal logic. It never does, never will.

So with all metaphors aside my logical part of me thought "Well, thats a good point"
But its not true.
Everyone is different.
With that same logic when someone is bullying you and calling you a whore you shouldnt care about it because you know the truth that you arent a whore.
No you still feel bad

Anyway so we went in from the car and i went to my room. Messaged Asuka. Ten minutes later Mum called me for dinner. Towards the end of dinner my Mum started laughing A LOT. Like... more than ive ever seen her. Then it clicked.
"Are you drunk?"
"hahah yeh"

Shed had a lot of mead. Annnnd my mum doesnt get drunk. Its the first time Ive seen her drunk. Yeh, so I put her to bed...and now Im here..

Ok.. I gotta go

How do you make a whore moan?

Stupid female-ness.
My period is coming soon and Im just depressed as hell. But right now - actually Im pretty mad. Even though Im smiling. And singing a littl.

My skin crawls and I feel like Ive got balls of fire on the palms of my hands.

There is a boxing club in my suburb. My plan is to tell the coach the truth but have him put me in the boys class (appropriate weight class too). Then I'll do my best to beat everyone else. The advantages being that I can train at a boys standard (impossible but stay with me), I can fine tune my male-social skills and Ill be able to know whether or not if I get in a fight... Im gonna survive it.

Argh, I just remembered, every time I joined the girls class I got payed out major 'cause when the bell rang I wouldnt hold back. Same with Football and stuff. When the game was on, you're all going down.

I wasnt very popular... but come on!! I mean football without bumping and tackling? What the fuck!

Anyway..

I told my mum that I was gonna join (and thats all I said) and she was thrilled. It starts in an hour and goes until 8pm. As I was leaving the room she said to me "You are a girl"

God that makes me mad.

"You're a girl"
Lets face it, when someone says that they are saying one of three things
"You're too weak"
"You're not suppose to do stuff like that"
"Shh...you wouldnt understand"

Well, which ever it pisses me off.

I just turned and said "No Im not"
And she repeated "You're a girl!"
"So?"
"They'll hit you in the boobies"

I didnt have anything to say to that...
Actually, I do.. I had/have a lot to say...
But my mums stupid/narrow-minded/old fashioned/paranoided/insecure/obsurd (circle appropriate) comments just leave me speechless.
You're suppose to learn from your parents. They are your role models. Admire them!
But when she says weird crap like that its just...wow... hey whats that! Exploding in the sky! My respect for you? Yep, I think so.

Ive watched a few boxing matches and Ive been in a lot of fights (brothers/friends/Waffles) and when I didnt have breasts they werent touched, I didnt touch they're chest either.

Not because its taboo or out of bounds...just because its stupid. If you are stupid enough to leave your chest exposed (solar plexis included) then you deserve to be hit, damaged and killed. The normal on guard fighting stance covers your chest. Duh.

Ive never seen it. Never happened. Even when I rumble with my girlfriend (and thats a no holds barred fight. All we need is jelly and we could tape it and be millionares) Ive never been groped or punched or anything like that...

Oh wait..

Yeh there was this one time where a nipple cripple was involved...

But moving back on topic, how often to you see that in boxing?