Rodders@ Who says I dont?
Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.
As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.
Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.
Sounds a little selfish.
Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)
At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)
For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.
However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.
My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.
I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.
When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.
Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.
Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.
While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...
Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)
And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)
So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.
Showing posts with label Drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drinking. Show all posts
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Progress Report (among other things)
I went to see Dr Rosemary Jones at North Adelaide. She is a gynacologist, yay!
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...
Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!
I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.
I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.
I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.
I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.
Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.
HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!
VOICE
Gone high and raspy
MOOD
Im all good. No rage
SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...
Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!
I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.
I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.
I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.
I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.
Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.
HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!
VOICE
Gone high and raspy
MOOD
Im all good. No rage
SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Progress Report
My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.
Im horny (no change)
Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.
There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.
My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.
My face has a different shape to it.
Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.
No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.
Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.
Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)
Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.
The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.
I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])
I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.
I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.
In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.
And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.
July 2007
August 2008
Im horny (no change)
Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.
There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.
My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.
My face has a different shape to it.
Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.
No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.
Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.
Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)
Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.
The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.
I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])
I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.
I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.
In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.
And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.
July 2007
August 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
You had a bad day
Argh I dont know what it is exactly about my Psych but he annoys me. I feel like he's not really helping. Hes taking my money and yeh.. all I feel is bad! rrrrr....
Oh and the fact I had to catch a 6am train..
Then I went to see my G.P. and fell asleep in the waiting room. Apparently I was out cold.
Anyway...so afterwards I got drunk and caught a bus. This really nice lady was at the bus stop with me. She was looking at me in a very non accusing way and asked "Isnt it a bit early?"
"For what?"
"To be drinking"
I checked my watch to see it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Id been up for more than 12 hours so... no.. for me, that was my late afternoon. However, I completely forgot that the average man has "Drinking Hours" where as I have a beer with breakfast.
Anyway, Im back on the drugs. Not the mellow yellow ones but the man juice ones. So, Ill be able to keep a track record again of how Im doing. It was an injection again..and fuck! You know as soon as you get an injection EVERYONE hits you.
Oh the pain... the pain of it all!!!
Mm, Im still on the hunt for cheap and accessable T. Apparently it is also available from people who own sheep. However, in my doped stage of tiredness I didnt ask any questions like...
What kind of sheep owners? And what the hell do they use it for anyway?!
Other news...Ummm .. my general being an asshole attitude has pushed everyone away from me. How do I feel about this - fine I guess. I dont know. I dont have any big feelings about it apart from 'hey yeah, I am a dick!'
Whatever whatever whatever...
Im feeling a lot of indifference.
Argh, looks like Im gonna have to write a list of things I can improve on and things I do that make people feel bad.
This is the best strategy for not being a dick I can think of and I dont think its working because Im repeating my behaviour. Any suggestions?
Oh and the fact I had to catch a 6am train..
Then I went to see my G.P. and fell asleep in the waiting room. Apparently I was out cold.
Anyway...so afterwards I got drunk and caught a bus. This really nice lady was at the bus stop with me. She was looking at me in a very non accusing way and asked "Isnt it a bit early?"
"For what?"
"To be drinking"
I checked my watch to see it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Id been up for more than 12 hours so... no.. for me, that was my late afternoon. However, I completely forgot that the average man has "Drinking Hours" where as I have a beer with breakfast.
Anyway, Im back on the drugs. Not the mellow yellow ones but the man juice ones. So, Ill be able to keep a track record again of how Im doing. It was an injection again..and fuck! You know as soon as you get an injection EVERYONE hits you.
Oh the pain... the pain of it all!!!
Mm, Im still on the hunt for cheap and accessable T. Apparently it is also available from people who own sheep. However, in my doped stage of tiredness I didnt ask any questions like...
What kind of sheep owners? And what the hell do they use it for anyway?!
Other news...Ummm .. my general being an asshole attitude has pushed everyone away from me. How do I feel about this - fine I guess. I dont know. I dont have any big feelings about it apart from 'hey yeah, I am a dick!'
Whatever whatever whatever...
Im feeling a lot of indifference.
Argh, looks like Im gonna have to write a list of things I can improve on and things I do that make people feel bad.
This is the best strategy for not being a dick I can think of and I dont think its working because Im repeating my behaviour. Any suggestions?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Shock Horror
Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Shameful
Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
Thursday, May 8, 2008
MORE PAIN
My jail bait bit me! I put my finger on her mouth and she bit it really darn hard. Its been about 4 hours and I can still see the teeth mark.
Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?
Well, it is me we're talking about...
Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?
It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.
Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.
Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)
Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.
In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.
Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!
Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.
Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?
Well, it is me we're talking about...
Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?
It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.
Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.
Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)
Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.
In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.
Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!
Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Final Days
I here voices every now and again. Not so bothersome.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Night on Mars
I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
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