Saturday, March 28, 2009

So far...

Last night I went to Maslins with Clay at about midnight until 3am ish. That was interesting. The stars were amazing. The sex was good too.

However in the dark he made a ...misfire? and rammed himself up my ass unlubed (apart from my own, if that counts). The pain, oh god, the pain. Its like getting ice cold water poured on your naked skin. But instead of ice cold water.. its ice cold needles.

My body locked up as I let out this yell. He quickly withdrew (which isnt as relieving as youd think)

Its very conflicting because I can feel that Ive got a really hard erection when something is embedded in my ass.

I dont see why women detest ball sacks so much...I think they are cool and they feel nice.

If any of my friends read this btw,
If you speak to me about my girlfriend, you will face my wrath.

It seems just good manners if you hear bad news about someone and they havent told you personally yet, then they arent ready to talk about it or dont want to discuss it.

GOD my ass hurts...

My depressions now going for 10 or 11 days now? Im not sure.. Im so bad at counting days but its been over a week. And all this going out and talking to friends doesnt help. However if I stay home I get really annoyed.

Oh, I guess I should talk about my transition.

WElllllp,

Im never going to be a girl. And Im happy like that. Im happy with how my body is (despite the breasts, still want them gone).

A lot of this have moved around in my head and I guess I cant really type them all out because they are 'ways of looking at things' and despite all the people trying to, you can write out a view point.

I believe so anyway.

In regards to the psychothe-rape-me, Id like to quote GIRL INTERRUPTED .. (again)..

"you lie down, confess your secrets and you are saved! Ka-ching!"

I went to my last session and coughed up a few big dark secrets and he seemed really happy. He doesnt really give much of..advice.. or anything. He just sits and listens.. which is possibly what annoys me. Because I was under the assumption that Id be challenged or given some sort of homework or advice. You know, food for thought.

But Im left rather hungry and having to find my own conclusions.

Which is what I was doing anyway...
so just sign my surgery forms and let me be.

Another note that pops up in my mind is, what happens to the people who dont question themselves or try and find their own answers (Which surprisingly in this day and age, there are a LOT of!)? Do they just pay their money and move on without another thought to the fact that they payed some guy to sit and listen to them?

If you haven't noticed Im still bitter about not having top-surgery.
I think Im going to print off some legal papers showing that he doesnt have a reason to hold me in limbo and the surgeon Id like to have to do my surgery along with reasons why...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A new world

Rodders@ Who says I dont?

Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.

As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.

Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.

Sounds a little selfish.

Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)

At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)

For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.

However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.

My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.

I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.

When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.

Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.

Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.

While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...

Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)

And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)

So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Back in Action

Hello hello..

Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway

Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.

Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.

Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.

Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.

Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!

In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)

I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)

Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.

I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.

Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.

On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.

I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.

I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.

But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one

You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.

Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.

Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -

Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.

Urg.

Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me

><


Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.


Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)


BEFORE

(17 y/o)






AFTER
(About 9 months on T)