Day 9

Hello. Yesterday was a bad day. Just I was feeling really unhappy.

Then this "Good looking guy" came into my work and all the girls were whispering about how hot he was and were drooling over him.

Naturally I looked too.

And he was pretty damn normal. No Brad Pitt or whoever they think is hot these days. Darn kids

What really pissed me off though (this will sound strange) is that I saw no difference between that man and myself. When I looked at him, we were the same.

But if that were true, then wouldnt I get the same reaction?

This moment defined something for me as its not the first time its happened but it is the first time I can put it into more understandable words (Rather than: Fucking Bastard Ill kill him and shit down his throat ... ((Yes, Im very competitive))).

People dont see me as I see myself.
Im treated a way based upon my appearance.

Fair enough. Its not exactly a bad thing.
For me however, sometimes, its a reminder that Im living in a fantasy. And thats like having a cold shower.

So I told the manager I was getting sick and went home early.

The Gel is giving me an odd...rash? I dont know what to call it.

This is my left arm where I have been applying the gel mostly. Its hard to see but if you look in the middle of the arm you will notice something that looks like lack of pixels. Well, no. Thats actually this 'rash'.

Describing it in one word, Id say "Burnt".

The skin seems to be melted or something. Whatever. Its not painful though.



This is my leg. Sporting the scar/rash of the physio-tape. Its a darker colour than my arm.

Now for those of you connecting the dots I say -

Maybe.

I havent used physiotape to cover the gel since my second application and this rash has occured recently.

Delayed reaction?

Or something more sinister?

PROGRESS REPORT!!!
Yesterday I had spirts of horniess. Just suddenly BAM! I wanted to screw something then BAM! gone.

Today. Well, today Im in ...pain.
In Japanese you'd probably say いたいきもち
Itaikimochi.
A painful pleasurable feeling.

My crotch hurts. Like, aching. Like, busting to go to the bathroom but rather busting for attention.

I had to check to see if everything was alright down there (you may think otherwise but I really dont like doing this). It may be my imagination but... I dont remember being able to see 'it' so damn easily.

Crud Crud Crud.

SO yeh, I tried to sleep but the sensation kept me awake. I ended up trying to sleep on my hand as applying pressure makes the feeling go away.

Well, it worked. Till my hand starting hurt.

Then I resorted to complaining to my wife about it. To which she simply replied "I can fix that"

And she did. But now its back. Lol. So I have to find another way to get around my arousal problem.

Apart from that.. um... my voice is a little sensitive when changing pitches still. Im still irritable... but.. yeh the only thing Im putting down to the extra hormones is that arousal.

The Waffle and the Mushroom

Well, I went to Waffles house to vent some rage.

The menu was as follows -

Talk
Wrestle.
Read Dirty Magazines
Youtube.
Wrestle some more.
Watch Porn and Critique
Wrestle just a little more.
Go home.

And that pretty much covers most of what we did.

It felt bloody good to have a fight...err.. fights.

My foot though is suffering for it, I must admit.

Now onto my latest concern. Im running low on testogel, damn it. Did I mention this? I have no idea. I dont remember. Why? Because Im on my way to getting wasted at the moment.

So yeh... Why does this worry me? WEll.. you see I have 3 days worth of Gel left and after that all I have is the needle.

And I dont wanna admit it but Ill swallow my pride here -
Im SCARED!! aaaaahhhh!!!

Not of the needle. Fuck, stab away.

But of wasting the stuff or doing it incorrectly.

So Im gonna see if A)A friend of mine with training in the medical field can help me. or B)I can con a doctor into doing it for me and possibly getting a perscription for the stuff at the same time.

Two birds one stone.

Ah on the subject of testosterone! Ive developed a rash. Looks weird. Should take a photo of it. And the one on my leg which hasnt healed either.

On my to do list.

Its not itchy (as far as I can tell) or anything of the sort. Just.. red and deformed skin.

Well, in 5 hours I must wake and go serve bastards animal flesh. Ill see you all later

Day 6

To The Fatalist, Foilwoman, Benedict, Waffles, Jenmoshka, Mcanonymous, Kuni, Shin, Yoko, lurkers and all those who read my blog - Merry Christmas. I hope you had a good day.

Lets just review what Ive been up to.

Monday was Christmas Eve. I worked 9 hours

I visited Waffle for a moment after work. Picked up some beer. Went home. Got drunk. Sent messages to my wife that didnt make her too happy. Fell asleep. Woke up. Took a wicked *'Yes'. Apologised to my wife. Wished her merry christmas. Fell asleep again.

Chistmas Day. 11:30am - Woke up.
Called my wife to wish her a more sober merry christmas. While talking I got ready for the family gathering. Realised that during my drunkeness last night I applied another testogel pack.

My mother enters the room and asks "How much did you drink last night?! Smells like a brewery in here!"

(The gel is alcohol based and does give off a bit of a smell)

Ended conversation with my wife and then headed off to my dads house.

The party there was as usual. Dirty jokes and derogatory references.

I downed a few more beers and spent most of the time in a buzzed sense of grumpiness. I actually have no perception of time when Im drunk.

My brother then took me home and had an afternoon lunch with my mother. I downed a few more beers went to write an email to the wife and ended up falling asleep on the bed fully dressed party hat and all.

I woke up later tonight about 8ish and finished my beer. lol. I think I was out for a good 5 hours.

Ive noticed recently Ive been dreaming of killing people. My dreams are rather irritating. One night, I had a dream where everything that pisses me off happened and I was doing those stupid slo-mo punches.

The oddest thing was after I realised that my punches were inaffective I resorted to throwing pieces of chicken breasts.

And on that note, we move onto PROGRESS!!!!


Im rather irritated. Still. Like I said, sometimes I get like this but... its been for 3 days now and any longer would be a record. Im hoping someone will start a fight with me so I have a reason to kick some ass.

On the other hand of that, Im a coward at heart. So I doubt my anger will beat my heart.

Right now, right this minute, Im probably the horniest Ive ever been. I actually feel bothered to engage in sexual activity. I think this is more the alcohol than anything else.

Oh by the way, I dont think I said it but I lost the no wanking till new year competition. I lost 5 days into it. Luckily, Waffles did too also 5 days into it. But I beat him. Managing to hold on a few hours longer.

Ummm ok so to list everything off...
- Im kinda grumpy
- I like boobies
- My voice is going a little strange. Up and down and scratchy.

These things though are most likely not a result of testosterone.

My job requires a bit of yelling and a lot of talking and my voice isnt exactly long lasting either.

Also, I could be having a mood swing making me a cranky bitch.

And boobies are just all round fantastic. Who doesnt like boobies?

In Philosophical News,

I had a friend I met in Japan come out to me. Again. At first she said she was Bisexual and now she came to me panicked that she was actually a lesbian. Or that it seems she is and she isnt too sure.

Excluding myself only one other person knows.

In her home country she is faced with the usual - Discrimination, predjuice so on and so forth.

Her family wouldnt take to it to well either.

She asked me what she should do and asked me for advice. Like I had a set way to tell if she was gay or not.

Its hard to explain this but Ill do my best.

IT. DOESNT. MATTER.

In the end, really, it doesnt matter.

But for the sake of simplicity we put labels on things. Far enough.

Dude, you can call youself whateeeeever you want. There is no set rule to 'Qualify' to be gay, bi, lesbian, straight.

But somehow most of us have this general conception that Yes, you must do this and only this to qualify!

The fact of the matter is its how you FEEL opposed to what you DO (or who you do in this case)

You can call yourself straight and screw as many girls, love as many girls, fantasize about as many girls as you want. You're still straight. If that is how you identify yourself

You gotta look deep inside yourself and ask yourself what you really are and then you can find your answer.

I liken this process to buying a shirt. Just because it fits you, doesnt mean it suits you.

I think that there is gonna confuse a lot of people :P Sorry. Such is my mind. Ill give you something easier then.

Sexuality is like fluid. You just go with the flow.


Ok! Now Ive gotta go. The Mrs is requesting me.

Goodnight and Peace to all

* Its a joke.... and you dont get it. So Ill help you out. Whats the french word for Yes?

Day 4

My mother is depressed. Very depressed apparently. She spent the day crying which to be honest is nt uncommon for her to do. She told me today that she was depressed because of me. Because she was worried about me. Worried that I'd make decisions Im 'not yet mature enough to make'.
She also "Doesnt want me to be a freak" and then refered to Micheal Jackson.

Which made me laugh. Because he and I do have something in common. Unfortunately.

Now it may sound like Im patronising or not liking my mothers concern. Well, that last part is right. Sort of.

The one thing about my mother is. . well.. she isnt very smart. She has all the right stuff, all the good intentions and morals and all those other words that look nice on resumes but yeh.. she doesnt quite use them. In a shorter way of complaing - She doesnt really have calm logic.

I think a lot of her stress and my...my uh...umm...err.... Yeh, I feel rather indifferent about my mother. Im going to hell now, arent I. Anyway, I think a lot of trauma could be done away with if the situation was approached calmly, lightly, and in an accepting manner.

I mean if you out right say "No, your crazy. You shouldnt play with nature, you're gonna fuck your life up"

Then no one is going to want to listen to you.

Ummmm... Yeh...Whatelse is news...

Oh thats right, I was fucking sodomised by HAPPY CALLING

(international calling company)They ripped me off something bad. I mean, pretty much they stole $9 dollars from me. And didnt refund anything at all (I asked for full refund but they said they could only refund a part of it). Then when I found my account to still be empty, I called and complained again to which they told me they had no record of my phone call to them, no record of the complaint and that everything was all in my head.

The records were fucking wiped! What the hell! Just what the hell!!

Yeh. Not happy. So I said Im going to complain to someone higher up. And damn it I will, Im pretty shit pissed off. As a result I couldnt call my girlfriend to see how she is doing and if I cant get a new card tomorrow then I wont be able to wish her a merry christmas either :(

God I hate christmas.

I think I hate myself more than I hate christmas though. Damn me.

oh yeh! Progress! Ummm.. well... today nothing really. I do find that Im wanting to beat things up but if I rationalise it all... thats pretty normal for me. Im an aggressive sadist deep down.

If I didnt say this before Ill admit it now - The first time I applied the testogel I started to freak out (I mean I freaked out when I realised I put it on which was like 3 or 4 hours after I did). I panicked for a moment. I was making a step forward towards changing my body. Changing myself. Thats a massively important thing and there I was barely aware that Id even applied it!

Then I chilled myself out.

Its not gonna work over night.
Its not even gonna work noticably until after maybe a month or so.
Its going to be a slow gradual change and Im ok to stop at anytime for any reason

Then I thought, what the fuck. Whats there not to like about going down this path? Why would I wanna stop? :P

Oh yeh.. the cost.
I wonder how far my insurance will cover.. I should find out.

I should also find out about medicare. I have no idea what they do really.

Ah, isnt it good to be young and naive!

What else is new.. umm... The girl I work with is a Nurse in training so I asked her to tell me all she new about self injecting and needles and crap. That was fun. Still feel a little in the dark though :P I wonder if Youtube has any tutorials, hahaha.

I had dinner at a small Japanese restaurant. Ordered Sushi, Rice (with Kuppi Mayo and Soy Sauce!) and a Hahn Light beer.

GASP!

WHATS THAT YOU SAY!?

UNDERAGE?!

Why! yes I am!

How the hell did I get away with it!?

I have no idea!!!!!

But yeh, I enjoyed my beer (Its my number one favourite alcoholic drink. And I only drink Hahn, Toohey's ((how the fuck do you spell it?!)) and Corona on rare occasions. Everything else tastes like ass)

I also made a friend with the only REAL Japanese person working there (the rest were chinese). She collected my plate and commented how unusual it was to make a special request for Mayonaise and rice (its a very Japanese thing to do). And yeh, we got talking.

aahhhhhhhhhh tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Im working.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Its going to be hell ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

But I look forward to it in a way.

Im rather sleep deprived so Im gonna sleep now. Gnight

Day 3

I dont know what the fuck it is but Im angry as hell. Today was like this insane rollercoaster of emotions.

Ok one minute. Furious the next. Then Sad and lonely. Then the fury again before going back to being ok.

Rinse and Repeat.

All day.

Drove me fucking nuts! I managed to get some hard labour jobs and vented my anger that way.

Right now Im at home. Im gonna do some weights to vent the remaining anger.

Im not really sexually active. I have zero interest in it but... BUT... I wouldnt mind a hug. My life really lacks bpdy contact and the usual affection Im use to. Reasons being my girlfriend is absent and I work a lot.

The only person I get cuddles from is Waffles ... and he isnt much of a cuddler but I suppose it makes them all the better when I get them.

I went to a formal wear shop that was having a sale. I managed to barter them down to $62 for a $90. With such a drop in price you know the thing was over priced to begin with..

Anyway, its a good shirt. Its my size and its black. And you cant argue with black.

Hmm, Oh yeh! I bought something called Tongkat Ali x10 (maximum strength) at this totally sus 'herb shop' in the city. Its a natural testosterone enhancer or whatever and also reduces your estrogen. I thought its worth a shot.

Also today in my being late for work I slapped an entire sachet on the gel on my stomach. And I regret it. I wanted to ease into it slowly but I kinda shat all over that idea, didnt I.

God Im a moron.

Ok now Im gonna call my girlfriend and complain about how much I miss her and want her to get her ass over here so she can cook for me.

I WANT AISAIBENTOU!!
Or ONIGIRI...
Whatever...

Day 2

Day 2 Friday 21st

Comes to an end.

Nothing has happened.

I still cant be bothered to find out how much testogel equals the vial of sustanon 100.

Walking home from the shops I got pretty angry about something irrelevant. I apologised for bursting out in swear words (Quote: Fuck fuck fuck fuck damn it fuck)
Waffle replied "Blame it on the T"

Lol. Good excuse

Labrat Alex

Firstly I would like to tell you all that there are bugs and spiders walking freely around my room. You know what that means? Its cleaning time.

Yes, thats how bad I let my room get before I know I should clean it.

Anyway. Laprat Alex has a new experiment to share with you.

Stuffed away in the bottom draw of my dresser, beside my packer and hidden amongst the bras I never use is a box. Two boxes actually.

One marked Sustanon 100 and the other Testogel.

Yes, I managed to find me some testosterone products! Yay!

Sustanon 100 is injection form and Testogel is...gel form, yeh.

Ive started the testogel as of yesterday (I must have ADD because I dont even remember thinking about it till after Id applied it and realised hey that was pretty dumb of me)

As far as I can tell the Sustanon is a Once per Fortnight injection and the Testogel is a daily sachet.

My regime is so far half a sachet of testogel a day. Im gonna keep it like that for a while then step up to one sachet a day.

It says that transfering the gel by contact is a problem so Im opting for needles (if I have the balls to inject myself. Hell, Im not even sure of the proper procedure for that. Ill have to reseach long and hard).

I mean, the last thing I want is to be bow chikka bow wowing and realise that my gel has rubbed off.. thats.. not cool.

Another thing about the gel (I didnt notice yesterday but now I am) that its alcohol based and I do smell a bit on the spirits side... Mmmmm

So here is my report for -

DAY 1 Thursday 20th December

Applied a litte under a half of the sachet around mid-day. Then bandaged the area off with medical tape stuff.

My period seemed to be stopping (it was my second day out of five) which is a little unusual for me but could be my imagination. Im tending towards my imagination.

The gel didnt irritate or burn of give me any trouble.

No other changes noted.

I'll use my right arm on Friday for the next dose.

Review

When you stare to hard, you lose focus on the big picture.

Its hard not to though, isnt it. I thought id make a post just to express myself briefly. In my own sleepy, delusional, depressed words.

- I would like to externalise some parts of myself that are invisible in my current self. That is why I will take testosterone.

- I dont want to reach the end of this journey and decide not to go through with it. That is my biggest fear. To have caused all this trouble for everyone.

- If my doctor happens to be reading this by some bizzare chance then please take note of what I said in the first point there. *hint hint*

Back to Business

Sorry about my last post. I still feel pretty messed up and irriated but Im on the mend it seems.

I re-dyed the hairs on the side on my face. No real change. I dont think its noticable unless someone is staring at the side of my face really intently...

Oh well, it gets me a little excited. Thinking that I could have side burns. Or any facial hair for that matter.

I went to the chemist and a herbal shop to do some asking around about DHEA and Androdiol.

DHEA is readily available from most herbal natural "Eat this root" kind of shop. Whatever their techincal name is..

Chemists with a variety of suppliments should also have them. The shop I went to was selling them at 18 bucks a bottle which is.... better than I expected

Androdiol on the other hand has been discontinued and is a perscription-drug. If I remember correctly.

What else have I been doing... oh yeah! Physio-tape!

Now it was recommended that I tape down my binder to stop it rolling up. Here is my report.

The two major concerns for my binder rolling up -
1. The weird vein like marks left on my hip (that dont go away!!!)
2. The fact that when I eat I cant eat as much as normal, or Im in some sort of pain.

Apart from that I dont really care....

Ok so the tape! its like Mega mega super-duper sticky tape. And I tape the bottom of my binder to my thigh (making sure that it was in a place that when I squated or moved it didnt hurt like a mother-fucker)

The binder no longer rolled up. And I didnt have any pains when I ate!
So that solved problem number two...

But number one? The marks on my body?...

Well, I took the tape off. It hurt. A lot.
And Ill be honest - Im a sadomasochist so I actually found it to be very enjoyable (Read: Arousing)

The second time I took it off though, as fun as I found it, its made my leg all weird. The skin is all red and rash like and feels kinda bumpy. Now I took it off about 26 hours and it still hasnt gone down. Its also a little tender to the touch.

I dont really mind it. Lol.

Whats really shitting me is the damage to my binder!! The glue stuff on the tape is still on my binder...which means any thing it came in contact with has gotten stuck to the gluey shit. So now my binder has black sticky marks ALL OVER the bottom of it. For that reason, it cannot be turned inside out to be worn again and to preserve its shape.

I cant find any teatree oil to get it off and Im really scared that anything I do to it is gonna make the problem worse.

On a brighter side -
Santa got me a new binder for christmas!! And its in the express mail as of Friday.

Its a black one. Size S (my current is Xtra Small. So Im hoping the sizing up will fix the eating problem). The design and maker and whatever are exactly the same. Im looking forward to getting it :)

Valley of Tears NAKIMUSHI

Life is like a mountain range. Your highs and lows. Plateaus and steep inclines and declines.

And at this moment, Im feeling like Im on a decline.

My youngest brother and I havent talked about this "I wanna be a boy" business. He just kinda brushed it off.

The other day when I asked to borrow his drill and refused to tell him why (it was for my STP device) he called me an attention seeker.

It kinda hurt. I really admire him. He's my idol in life and whatever he says I believed.

It made me wonder if I am doing some of this for attention? I like to think Im not. My basis for that is that if it was for attention I would have volunteered the information.

I would have told him what it was for.
I would have told my mum I bought a binder.
I would have told her I went to formal in a tux.

But I didnt. Because I dont want them to know.

(btw, the people who do know about certain events or happenings are usually people I dont care for or people I trust)

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway. So why am I upset. Well.. My second brother called. And I asked him if he'd heard anything from the youngest in regards to that. Apparently no.

But he did give me some good words of advice and such.

He told me basically that they can never understand how I feel, what is happening to me and such. Even if they say 'I accept it', its very different from understanding.

He is over this 'I wanna be a boy' shit. He doesnt care what I am. He's more interested in my life and who I REALLY AM as a person.

And yeh he just said some really insightful stuff and it made me cry.

I wish I could have my family like it was when I was younger. But in a way, we all do, dont we.

I wish I could be happy with what I see in the mirror but Im tired and sad of seeing this girl looking back at me. Small, stupid and scared.

From this moment, my life seems so long. But Im so tired. I dont feel like living it.

If my life is going to be more of this aching, more of this sense of failure, more of this confusion then I definately dont feel like living it.

Ive lost a lot. Disapointed so many people. Disgraced my family and most of all myself. I think some of the people who give me crap or remind me about this on a regular basis should get a slap. You think I dont know what I did? You think I dont regret it? You think Im living proudly knowing I hurt everything important to me in a little under 3 weeks?!

My girfriend, my family, my friends my education, my future...my damn bank balance!

...

If I knew what was going to happen I probably would have fucking kicked the chair out and hung myself.

Argh.

Im sorry.

Im just really tired. Of a lot of things. As you can see.

I hope tomorrow is a lot brighter.

Life of Alex

I work at a Deli in a supermarktet. Im on my 2nd week and I really enjoy what I do. How rare is that.

The people I work with are generally in the early 20s. Mostly University students. My Manager is probably about in her mid 20s. We do have some older employeers (30 ish and 40 ish) but its only two.

Bottom line. Its a young group and generally everyone is nice to talk to, open minded and we have really amusing conversation that usually end in a perverted way (ah yes, youth!)

Most of the time my manager doesnt come to the deli. She is a behind the scenes manager. She swings by to deliver our schedules. But today she was hanging around a lot. I dont mind. I like her. She is really cool and I think we'd have a lot to talk about given the time.

I was also happy she was there because I needed to give her my mobile number to pass on to another employee.

She next to a co-worker of mine (a studying nurse. Awesome girl) when I approached her and asked her for an unrelated work favour. She looked at me really seriously and asked "Is it a personal issue?"

"Uhh...No..."

The co-worker kinda went "Oh. I should leave", then hurried away and I was just standing there going "wtf".

Anyway I gave her my mobile number and she hung around for a while doing this an that while I did this and that.

When I had a free moment she called me over.

"I wanna ask you a personal question. Feel free to tell me to back off or anything but I just want to know should we be refering to you as a boy? Ive noticed that people call you as a girl but you also get called 'mate' and thats a male word...so, I just want to know how you feel and what you want"

I thought she was really nice about it. I mean, she did all the appropriate confrontation things so I didnt feel awkward...and yeh...

I told her that Id probably prefer to be refered to in male pronous (he, him, his) and she said that was all cool and she'd talk to the big boss about it.

Apparently when the two big bosses of the store interviewed me they went and told my manager - "We're sending you this new girl to train in the deli but...she's very boyish"

My manager then went on to say that if there is anything I need or wanna talk about work related or personal I was welcome to talk to her. I then said I dont want to make any trouble with anyone here and when and if I decide to transition and take hormones or something then Id let her know way in advance so she'd have time to do whatever and for me to do whatever.

Some of my other co-workers already knew and well, found out anyway as I talked to my manager about gender reassignment surgery (She requested this! I was so surprised. She hung on my every word...even the really grotty ones like the 2 inch clit you might get)

Yeh she was fancinated and told me "I dont have any problems with you. Its your life and you are happy to be whoever you want. But if anyone gives you a hard time make sure you report that immediately"

We then wrapped up the convo and a customer got really shitty and stormed off because she wanted to be served and I needed only 1 literal second top thank my manager.

I apoligised to the customer but she hissed something at me and walked away only to return a few minutes later. I went to go serve her but she spat coldly "Dont even bother! Id rather wait!" (She said this then pointed at my co-worker)

Suit yourself lady. If you want to get worked up and waste time over a misunderstanding the go ahead.

Moral of this little story is that you should always be forgiving and that you should wait until you have heard everything before you complain or get emotional (angry, sad, etc). Because it might not be what it seems.

And if it wasnt what it seemed, then you wasted time being unhappy.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Sorry to preach but this can be applied in pretty much every relationship. To spouse, stranger, child or friend.

Eg. When your child hits the cat dont yell at them immediately.

Ask them "Why did you do that?"

Maybe the cat scratched them for reasons out of the childs control. Or maybe you suspect it was the doing of your child.

"Why did he attack you"

"I pulled his whiskers"

"Why?"

"I dont know"

"If you were a cat and someone pulled your hair, how would you feel?"

"Angry"

People need to empathise. I think this exercise is great in teaching the dos and donts to more aggressively inclined kids (like I was myself)

Anyway, Im sorry to rant and stuff like that. But I just needed to get it out of me.

I slept over at Waffles House last night. I went there straight from work then left straight for work the next morning. We stayed up until like 2 playing Mario Kart on his retro Nintendo 64 and drinking Vodka Cruisers. Then we went to bed (which doesnt mean sleep) and ended up talking till like 4am which was nice because we talked about a lot of this. Important and unimportant.

I punished him for keeping me up by making him get out of bed to say goodbye to me before work. And before I left I asked him a favour.

Waffles is a great debater.

A Master -

*Waits for laughter to stop*

Anyway he is good.I mean REALLY good..so I thought...who else could I agrue with appart from myself about my trans issues?

So I brought up issues about things that made me feel like a guy and so on and he tried to shoot them down. It went on and off for a bit and then he told me something of his opinion.

Ive always seemed like a guy to him.

He also reads my blogs and we chat almost everyday in some form or another and he said it surprises him a bit that I say/write about how I cry or get really upset about these problems. Because when he sees me, he seems me embracing everything and just riding it and not caring.

Interesting for me to hear that.

Anyway. I have to eat some sundried tomatoes (no reason other than I want to) and then Im gonna watch an Anime that Waffles gave me.

Goodnight and have a good day

Results

I took some photos this morning. Here you go.


Me looking fabulous in my boxing gear. Ive got personalised pants from Japan. Its got my name on the side :)

Please note my black boxing gloves. I loven these babies. They are wrist support boxing gloves. You slip them on and wrap the band around your wrist (the band velcros down). The knuckles and back of your fist are covered with 1cm of a foam-like pad. Your fingers have complete mobility (which is a plus because my training includes grabs, locks, pressure points, gouges and anything in betweeen) The thing that took me a little while to get use to was a divider inside the glove which separates your ring finger from your middle finger (so your kinda doing that star trek spock sign thingy). ... Ok, enough of be bragging about my $30 babies.







These photos I took specificaly for you people. I took two then realised it might be better to step into the light (that would be the third photo). All the hair on my face is blonde. Like...invisble white blonde stuff. The hair that you can see that is dark and blackish is what I explained in the last post. Thats just regrow from my actually head-hair.

And Im sorry if this grosses you out (it does for me) something about zooming that close is just... ew...ish...anyway..



And this is me and my puppy dog Jacques (...ok so his real name is Jack...)

Ahhhh Im exhausted. I just finished my boxing session and now Ive gotta get ready for work.

Facial Hair

Aim: To see if Facial hair dye products for men can work on women with acceptable results.

Method:

Purchase product from local chemist ($11.90 Light Brown)

In absence of 'me time' (thats what I call the time I usually spend wanking) I decide to do something stupid so I went to the bathroom late at night and locked the door.

Strip down (incase of product spillage)

Mix small amount of mixture and do test (My leg hairs which are brown and my arm hairs which are blond like my face were the victims here)

Wait 5 minutes (the maximum time advised)

Wash off.

Then apply to face.

Results: Ok on my arm and legs there was no change in colour really. So when I applied it to my face I doubled the recommenced time (a little over 10 minutes).

I applied the mixture along my jawline so Id have sideburns.

After 10 minutes I washed the mixture off... and this is the funny part... The hair dye stains skin. So I had dark marks down my jaw. I managed to wash a fair bit of it away but there was still noticable patches.

But by morning it was all gone.

Never underestimate the power of a porous rock.

Being not too bright, I decided to repeat the process as first time had mixed results.

This time round I did sideburns and a goatee.

And this time round, the results were worse than a few black marks...Apart from my skin being stained the smell of the dye was really overpowering and I pretty much suffocated myself with ammonia. It was really bad. I almost called the poison information line.

I could taste the crap in my mouth and my chest felt incredibly tight. Just in general, I felt pretty bad. I washed it off after the 10 minutes and then began drinking a lot of water. It helped some bit. Also relaxing and letting the feeling pass helped.

The results in my hairs are as follows -

My hairdresser had cut the hair down by my ears back really short so the hair growing there is just like the stuff on my head. Thicker than normal body hair and ofcourse, longer. (its sparing but whats there has grown back to be about 3-5mm)

That hair had the best results. It turned black. Its rather noticable.

Id shaved a few days before so all hair on my face would only be a milimetre or so long.

There was no change to any other hair on my face. Its still blonde but I do intend to repeat this process after the hair has grown a substancial length

Conclusion: Unless the hair on your face is either long or thick, you arent going to get very good results.


In other news, the local supermarket sells medicine spoons at 3 bucks! Cheap!! I bought one and am in the process of making a new STP Device. Unfortunately the tube on this one seems a bit narrow(er) so Im a little iffy about how effective its gonna be in the end. Only time will tell!!


Btw, here is something I found.
A list of surveys by FTM trans men (from all ends of the spectrum). The questions are about testosterone levels, injections, suppliment alternatives, time frames on effects, doctors and opinions on results.

Here is the link

When I grow up

When I think about my future I also imagined myself as a man. Not anything striking in those imaginations. I didnt imagine a penis or facial hair or anything male like that... but I noticed in those thoughts Im always tall, broad shouldered, decent build and generally masculine in the way I walk,talk and my role in the dreams (Like, Id be suit wearing, or a father teaching football to my kids...real sterotypical crud)

And the oddest thing is.. it never struck me as out of place. I just expected that is how I would look when I was older!

Only did it come to my attention yesterday when someone asked me about what job I would consider did I flip back to those imaginative scenarios and realise.

How funny is that!

Not very.

Something kinda interesting happened today. I was riding the bus home and we crashed into a van. It wasnt anything bad. No one was hurt. The bus had a 50cm long dent in it along with a few black marks. Didnt get to see the van.

In other news, I person I dont like cut my finger with his fingernail and now its infected, painful, hot and generally swollen.

Whats interesting about that? Nothing to you but to me its fascinating. This man is nice, funny, kind, blah blah blah and probably a whole lot of other things too but I just see him as a pigheaded dick.

And the fascinating thing is WHY do I hate him.

Frued once said that we hate people because we see something in them that reminds us of an aspect of ourselves we dont like.

Which here... is partly true. Im very envious of this man I hate. He is everything I would hope to be (physically....except for his small penis. He can keep that). He is fit, handsome and well groomed and its irritating that I cant be like that.

Im jealous.

And what do I do when I get jealous? I get nasty and competitive. Yes, Ive done the bitchy thing off threatening to kill him and showing him that he is inferior.

Wow..you know when you write that out it makes me sound like a real wacko.

Ill give you an example just so you know what I mean. He asked my mother to ask me how many push ups I could do. I can do 20 just fine and thats pretty damn good for a biological girl. Of course if you are a guy and do as much training as I do then Id expect you to do about 40-60 no problem...

Anyway I found it a little irritating that he indirectly asked (he was around the corner waiting for the answer...he could hear my mother and I talking).

So yeh.. I told my mum and she told me how much he could do which just infuriated me so I said rather loudly. "Good for him but I could still slit his throat in two seconds flat"

Yeh...Im really touchy about being weaker than guys. I have a fucking biological disadvantage, of course you are going to be fucking stronger than me. God damn it.

Yes. Ok. Seriously. If there is one thing that makes me lose my cool its being compared to a biological male. No matter how hard I try, how much surgery I have or how much I explain .. its still an uneven playing field out there.

But I mean, thats life! Everyone has a weakness. Everyone has a hurdle. And this is mine and Im quite thankful for it because after only 17 years its made me into a nice guy who is more understanding.

I end up with this a biological male doesnt have.

At thats my edge in the game.

No matter where my path leads me I never wanna lose that.

P.S.
My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment :(
So I dont have to worry much about losing my bet (probably lots of you are thinking this to be backwards logic). But the saying is true "The more you get, the more you want" in regards to sex. So Im very lucky to be able to cut sex COMPLETELY out of my diet

Anyone else wanna join my struggle? Never too late!

The struggle

I belong to an online community which shall remain nameless. We are a music-fan community... nothing bad.

Except for the one or two sections we do dedicate to the singers and our naughty thoughts and general human behaviour..

But thats besides the point.

They have a tradition called THE STRUGGLE - No wanking till January 1st.

Pretty self explainatory... It starts December 6th (Or really whenever. Some start in November. But the cut off date is Dec 6th).

So yeh. Me and all my pride decided to sign up this year.

...

I failed last year...

After about 3 hours...

Pathetic, huh...

So far Im 12 hours Wank free! but you know what... its actually harder than it sounds. As soon as someone says "No! you cant do it!"
You immediately wanna do it.

That and Im so deprived from body contact its just not helping me deal with my frustration. I dont mean that in a directly sexual way, btw... I mean like... I miss hugging and just being phsycially close to my girlfriend.

When you cant have that contact you feel really isolated...and yes, frustrated.

Bottom line - Im in a pact to not wank until New Years. Im gonna go to bed to sleep away my temptation.

Goodnight all

A virtue?

Ok, yeh... Im going to wait as long as possible before taking testosterone. But me being a spontaneous, reckless, home-and-away hating, impatient person....how long should I wait?

Too long will drive me insane.

Too quick is just irrespoinsible.

I'll be 18 in 3 months so Ill be my own man and legally able to help myself. My brother and my mother asked me to wait until I was atleast 21.

"There is no rush"

Well, there kinda is....

I dont wanna have too much of a life where people remember me as a female. I mean the good thing about my age at the moment is that by the end of next year I will have graduated and I never have to see those pathetic people at school ever again (I kid, they are woderful) which means they never have to see my transition.

So thats 1 reason. The time convinience. I can start a new life and job as a man without this messy "I once was a lesbian but now Im a bisexual male.." crap.

Oh, Today I got a package from Japan. It was a christmas present from the PTA!! YAY!! they bought me mens sports underwear (its made of lycra so its sweat absorbent) and a matching sports shirt. Both Nike.

Mum asked about why the underwear was made of that material to which I explained in a less gracious way.

"Its to stop you getting a sweaty sack"

Im sorry. Today Ive just been a totally moody dick.

Yeh... my mum isnt going to handle a transion well. Its going to take a lot of time. Im not made or angry or anything negative towards her...umm... fears? I dont know what to call them. I guess more than anything Im interested to hear how she REALLY feels. I must be strange to 'loss your daughter'. And Im not the first one she's lost so I guess this is especially difficult for her.

I'll be honest and say that there have been more than a few moments in my life when I felt bad because I couldnt be her little girl like she wanted.

I saw my weird and wonderful doctor again today. I just wanted a perscription for my wonder-meds but he booked me in for a full chat... which is ok. Talking to him means Ill learn something new.

Today I learnt about penis deformities (that would require a man to sit down) and the proper word for man boobs ... WHICH I KEEP FORGETTING GOD DAMN IT I MUST WRITE IT DOWN!

And he learnt about binders. All good. The lovely ladies at the desk phoned up a shrink for me and so Ive got an appointment with this guy who's name escapes me... anyway.. .Ill be seeing him in January. He specialises in these kind of cases I think so hopefully by February, I'll have a few things sorted and Ill be a step closer to finding out my true identity and such

What day is it today... 4th? yay! Its about 80 days till I can see my girlfriend!!! YAY!! YAY YAY!!

81 days 10 hours 28 minutes and 10 seconds (and counting) if you wanna be exact....

But I mean... who's counting?

What else was I gonna blab about... oh... my binder. Well the doctor pointed out sweat stains. I totally didnt notice. Yeh, I think it is a little... umm.. well... not as fresh as it could be. But I mean, only having one (and I wear it almost every day) means that there isnt much time for me to wash and such...

And.... its rolling up sooooo bad I just MUST find out what the hell to do about that. Im thinking about adding a special trim to the end of it and filling it with led pellets.

My mother makes dolls so those little lead shavings are easily accessible to me.

If I end up doing it, Ill let you know how it goes.

Im just a little nervous about fiddling with it because if I fuck up, there is 60 dollars and 2 weeks of my life gone!

Well, tomorrow Im working...again... so Ive got to be up early (8am.. shut up its early for me) to work until 5. Then Im gonna crash at Waffles and play super mario smash brothers.

Aaaah to be young again...

As promised

Here are some more photos (not all)

Enjoy.

Yes, Im Waffle's Bitch. ;)

(He is the only other guy featuring in the photos. And no, we arent related. People seem to think we look alike. Do we? Cousins maybe I dunno)

Feedback

Wow, thanks guys for commenting! It kind of surprises me to see feedback, support and advice on the things I talk about.. I mean... Its a surprise to find people reading this (and even possibly enjoying it!!)

On a night when my mother isnt home I'll do my first youtube blog and of course Ill link it here.

A device made out of wax paper eh....Hmmm... sounds like a good idea but I think it would be limited to home use. Wax paper would be a lot harder to smuggle around in a public toilet and use at a urinal.

Nevertheless, Ill look into it and see what I find!!

Progress report to Standing to Pee:
I wet my pants
*waits for laughter to stop*
No seriously.. I did.

God knows how though...

Ok so this is what I THINK happened.

I woke up with a really full bladder. Grabbed my 'Junior Alex' and headed for the bathroom. Pulled my track pants down and fumbled with the Y front of my BONDS. Placed device too far back. Urinated. Overflowed the unit. Then when fighting for the removal of the device it got caught in the Y front and caused me to tip the device backwards... thus...*shudders*... tipping remaining urine into my pants again.

Well, everyone has their bad moments in the bathroom.

I for one, during my days of sitting, managed to fall into the toilet itself.

Its not recommened because trust me, the waters as gross as it looks, and twice as cold.

I'll leave you to think about how I managed that ;)

And now lets talk about sex :)

My mother and brother brought up the topic of "Who am I going to attract"

I was discussing with my brother how Id like to remove my breasts and then we talked about what girl would wanna date another girl with "a puss but no tits".
(high class, we are)

Which is a good question. What kind of partner would I attract? Would the lesbian community find me repulsive because Im outwardly male? And would the hetrosexual community dislike me for not carrying "the right equiptment"?

All interesting questions.

They usually dont bother me but as I have today forgotten to taken my medicine recently, Im wide awake and worrying about it.

My brother made a comment in particular that slapped me in the face and reminded me that yeah, Im a kid.

And so is my girlfriend.

When your young and you love someone you think thats the whole world. And sometimes you think that you could grow old and marry this person (not in that order but it seems to be the trend these days).

I have absolutely no idea what Im trying to say. And that pisses me off because it makes me seem like the amateur kid I am...anyway..

I love my girlfriend and she satisfies me in a lot of ways (that sounds so kinky but no, I dont mean it like that). But ofcourse there are some things we cant do together. Like, Im a moron and I need other morons to do moronic things with. (Yeh my girl is a little dumb but dont as dah dah dumb as I can be)

And for those moronic times, you have mates. And you do stupid moronic things with them.

I know that kind of relationship isnt bad. Its rather normal (and by normal, I mean the majority are doing it). So I guess my question is to you, and to myself - Is there a person who can satisfy you like a best friend but also be an amazing lover?

Is there a Mr/Mrs Perfect who can satisfy your dreams?

Hey, Im only 17. What the fuck do I know..

Photos

Ive found just a few photos. We took so many more but Im still to recieve them. Im insanely short, arent I... haha, oh well :)