When I grow up

When I think about my future I also imagined myself as a man. Not anything striking in those imaginations. I didnt imagine a penis or facial hair or anything male like that... but I noticed in those thoughts Im always tall, broad shouldered, decent build and generally masculine in the way I walk,talk and my role in the dreams (Like, Id be suit wearing, or a father teaching football to my kids...real sterotypical crud)

And the oddest thing is.. it never struck me as out of place. I just expected that is how I would look when I was older!

Only did it come to my attention yesterday when someone asked me about what job I would consider did I flip back to those imaginative scenarios and realise.

How funny is that!

Not very.

Something kinda interesting happened today. I was riding the bus home and we crashed into a van. It wasnt anything bad. No one was hurt. The bus had a 50cm long dent in it along with a few black marks. Didnt get to see the van.

In other news, I person I dont like cut my finger with his fingernail and now its infected, painful, hot and generally swollen.

Whats interesting about that? Nothing to you but to me its fascinating. This man is nice, funny, kind, blah blah blah and probably a whole lot of other things too but I just see him as a pigheaded dick.

And the fascinating thing is WHY do I hate him.

Frued once said that we hate people because we see something in them that reminds us of an aspect of ourselves we dont like.

Which here... is partly true. Im very envious of this man I hate. He is everything I would hope to be (physically....except for his small penis. He can keep that). He is fit, handsome and well groomed and its irritating that I cant be like that.

Im jealous.

And what do I do when I get jealous? I get nasty and competitive. Yes, Ive done the bitchy thing off threatening to kill him and showing him that he is inferior.

Wow..you know when you write that out it makes me sound like a real wacko.

Ill give you an example just so you know what I mean. He asked my mother to ask me how many push ups I could do. I can do 20 just fine and thats pretty damn good for a biological girl. Of course if you are a guy and do as much training as I do then Id expect you to do about 40-60 no problem...

Anyway I found it a little irritating that he indirectly asked (he was around the corner waiting for the answer...he could hear my mother and I talking).

So yeh.. I told my mum and she told me how much he could do which just infuriated me so I said rather loudly. "Good for him but I could still slit his throat in two seconds flat"

Yeh...Im really touchy about being weaker than guys. I have a fucking biological disadvantage, of course you are going to be fucking stronger than me. God damn it.

Yes. Ok. Seriously. If there is one thing that makes me lose my cool its being compared to a biological male. No matter how hard I try, how much surgery I have or how much I explain .. its still an uneven playing field out there.

But I mean, thats life! Everyone has a weakness. Everyone has a hurdle. And this is mine and Im quite thankful for it because after only 17 years its made me into a nice guy who is more understanding.

I end up with this a biological male doesnt have.

At thats my edge in the game.

No matter where my path leads me I never wanna lose that.

P.S.
My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment :(
So I dont have to worry much about losing my bet (probably lots of you are thinking this to be backwards logic). But the saying is true "The more you get, the more you want" in regards to sex. So Im very lucky to be able to cut sex COMPLETELY out of my diet

Anyone else wanna join my struggle? Never too late!