She-Man - Protector of diversity and castle greyskull

Its all good and well for someone to tell you something.
But thats boring.

And in the end, you dont learn.

Life is about experience.

No matter what people tell me, its up to me and my own time to figure it out and make sense of it all. In the end, my word is final.

So lets look at what I've learnt today!!!

But First, I wanna say Hi and Thank you to Foilwoman (I hope I got ur username correct) who commented on the last blog. Its nice to know people are reading and getting something out of it. It also does wonders for my ego. So thanks and I hope I dont bore you too much. Ive noticed I ramble...

Ok, now onto today's learnings!!

Out of boredom and the lust for a good read I went back to http://ftmaustralia.org

I then snooped around and fell onto this

http://www.ftmaustralia.org/publications/table.html

And I read with enthusiasm because my brother's fiancee asked me the difference between transgender and transexual and I could reply only vaguely.

I found this table really clear and in simple small words easy enough for someone as messed up as me to read and understand.

This table made me understand something else that may seem really stupid to you. And you've probably been reading all along going 'Alex you dingbat what the hell are you smoking Jeeves?' while Ive been complaining about how lost Ive been feeling anyway!!!!

So yeh.. the stories online and so on and so forth are mainly written by transexuals (please see the yellow list thing to know what that is..)

They talk about how they've always felt wrong and so on and so forth and how straight-forward the gender correction seemed and yada yada yada..

Which left me going WTF!!! What about me? Thats not how I feel!! I mean, I relate to you in some parts...but... but but but!!

And that was all very confusing..and it seems pretty damn obvious though that transexuals and transgenders are different..but somewhere in the heat of all this mess I forgot that detail.

So lets look at Transgender (The blue column).. Yeh.. thats me.

A mix of genders and just...yeh... it just made me go "Yeh! thats how I feel!!"

Please also look at the bottom of that page there is a link next to EXAMPLES that says "statements by transgender FTM people". And beside that there is one for Transexuals. Those are good to read and I suggest you read them

So lets summarise. And review Alex's to-do-list

1. Im transgender. A mix of a boy and a girl
2. I intend to change my name officially to Alexander E. M. Fry (Yes, I have chosen a middle name!!! YAY!!) on my 18th Birthday next year. So I have plenty of time to change my mind.
3. Im still left to decide whether Im happy to keep my female body or not. Probably not. Lol.
4. I am to offer my service in some way to educate people about diversity.

Ok now Im gonna talk about what happened today and im gonna do it in dot form because it looks nice and it'll stop the rambles.

1. I pissed on myself this morning. Teaching the valuable lesson when using the Stand-to-Pee device 'Close enough is NOT good enough' in regards to placing it under your urethra.

2. I started my first day of work. Im at the deli at a supermarket. Its nice.

3. Tomorrow is my girlfriend and my four-month anniversary, NOT TODAY as I mistook it

4. The burns on my feet are healing nicely and I can walk. How did I get them? You'll never know.


Stay tuned folks as I update sometime this weekend with those photos I promised, more grammatical errors and anything else that reveals itself to me

Be healthy and always have atleast 5 things about yourself you love
Ciao

I am Alex

Tbow said something to me I'll never forget. Why? Because she tells me often. And thank god she does.

I am the awesome Fry.

With that in mind, lets get down to business about WHO I AM!!!

Review: Im a girl but also a boy.

On the inside, a lot of me is a boy but there is still girl things. Like, I have a heart like a girl. ... or a very sensitive boy.

I like boys fashion. I want to look like a boy. That is more comfortable for me (Body and clothes).

I have 2 genders. When people look at me, I think they can see that.

If I took testosterone my life could be easier. People could see me clearly as "This". People could see clearly "That is a boy".

Not only that, my agenda would fit my body. My goals for how I present myself would match.

When I though about this, I thought "Is it a good idea to change my body for that reason? Its like having plastic surgery because you dont like your nose"

I told Waffles about this and he just said 'Its a different thing'. Is it? Or is it just more acceptable? Lol.


There is another girl who is very very very similar to me. We shall call her Shin. I met Shin in Japan. She is the same age. We both dress in a very boy fashion, we both have had similiar experiences at school, we both want to be a boy, we both live with only our mums and yeh...We became very close because its so rare to find someone so similar to you. Oh, and she is Japanese.

Here is the conversation we had. IF MY TRANSLATION IS WRONG, PLEASE TELL ME!!

Alex says:
おとこなりたいの？ (Do you wanna be a boy?)

しん says:
どうしようね。。。。(Hmmm, I dont know)
しん says:
かんがえてる。。 (Im thinking about it)

Alex says:
おれ。。なりたいけど、なりたくない。。(I...I wanna be a boy but I dont wanna be)
Alex says:
なんかね。。 (like...)
Alex says:
こわいい (Im scared)

しん says:
俺も！！！！！(me too!!)
しん says:
ほんとに、、 同じ感じ！！！！ (Seriously the same feeling!!!!)

Alex says:
Im scared that I become a boy but I dont like it.
Im scared Ill make a bad choice

しん says:
そうだよね。。 (yeh, thats true)
しん says:
俺は、、 (I...)
しん says:
「私は女です」とも言いたくないし、、(I dont wanna say "Im a girl")
しん says:
「俺は男です」とも、言いたくない。。(And I dont wanna say "Im a boy" either)
しん says:
…というか、、言えない…。。？ (so....I shouldnt say anything?)

Alex says:
しんちゃんは女じゃない (You are neither a boy or girl?)
おとこでもない？

しん says:
わからん、、。 (I dont know)
しん says:
女の子が好きだし、、、 (I like girls)
しん says:
立ちションもしたいけど、、、 (I wanna pee standing...but..)

Alex says:
あははは (ahahaha)
Alex says:
ちんこほしい！！！！ (I want a penis!!)

しん says:
そうだねぇ。。 (Yeh, I agree)
しん says:
でも、ペニスあったら、 (But if I had a dick...)
しん says:
かんぺきに男じゃん。。 (I'll be a complete guy, wont I)

Alex says:
うん (Yeh)

しん says:
そんな自信がない、、。 (I dont have that confidence)

Alex says:
？

しん says:
Regret?

Alex says:
Ａｈ．．

しん says:
それに、、(Like...)
しん says:
男の子と話してても、、(Even if I talk with guys...)
しん says:
「一緒じゃない」と思うし、(I'll think "Im not the same as you")
しん says:
女の子と話してても、 (But even if I talk with girls...)
しん says:
同じことを感じる。。。 (Its the same story)

Alex says:
うん (yeh)

しん says:
男でもあるし、女でもある。。。 (Im a boy and Im a girl)
しん says:
でも！ (But!!)
しん says:
男でもないし、女でもない。。。 (Im neither a boy or a girl)

Alex says:
Mmm

しん says:
There are many prejudices in Japan..
しん says:
I'm afraid it a little bit...

Alex says:
Hmmmm
Alex says:
In Australia and Japan, Im not afraid of it (What I mean is, its not my top concern)

しん says:
そうなんだ。。 (Really...)

Alex says:
Now Im scared Because Im a boy and a girl. My body is a girl..
Alex says:
なかはおとこ (But the inside is a boy)
Alex says:
こころは。。。(My heart is...)
Alex says:
Sensitive boy　

しん says:
そうだね！！ (Thats true, huh!)

Alex says:
ははは (hahaha)

しん says:
笑 (Lol)

Alex says:
So Im scared.
People cant understand because I have 2 genders.
Im a boy AND a girl

しん says:
そうだね。。 (yeh. Right)
しん says:
俺も、それこわい。。 (Thats scary for me too)

Alex says:
So Im thinking "Mayve I should change my body"
Inside Im 80% boy

しん says:
そうだね、、そうかも。。 (Yeh. Right. Maybe)

Alex says:
Because people can see clearly I have a boys body!

しん says:
そうだね！！！ (yeh!!!)

Alex says:
しんちゃんもそう？ (You are like that too?)

しん says:
そうなのかな。。。 (Maybe yeh...)
しん says:
なんか、、、 (Like...)
しん says:
My friends look me as girl..
しん says:
But,I love some of them..
しん says:
I want to be seen as boy by them..

Alex says:
Ａｈ．．．　それわかる！！！！！ (Ah, I understand that!!!)

しん says:
でも、、 (But...)
しん says:
I don't know if they see me like that!!!
しん says:
もしかしたら、、 (Maybe If I did it...)
しん says:
ともだちじゃなくなるかもしれない。。 (They might not be my friends)
しん says:
それが、、すごくこわい！！！！ (Thats really scary for me!!!!!)

Alex says:
あぁ。。。そうね。。 (ah, thats true..)

しん says:
俺のmotherは、大丈夫だけど、、(My mum is ok with it but...)
しん says:
Ｒｅｌａｔｉｖｅｓ？

Alex says:
Ｍｍｍ

しん says:
は、ダメかもしれない。。 (They arent ok with it)
しん says:
わからないけど。。 (I dont know but yeh...)

Alex says:
I understand

しん says:
ありがとう！！ (Thanks)

Alex says:
Your younger brother will always be with you (*We call each other brothers)

しん says:
Thanks!!!!!!
しん says:
ME TOO!!!!

*Then we talk about wanting facial hair*

Alex says:
I want a boy's body
ちんこ　Is maybe not important (A penis isnt so important)
Alex says:
Ｂｕｔ，　Ｂｏｄｙ　Ｓｈａｐｅ
Ａｎｄ　筋肉！ (Muscles)

しん says:
そうだね！！ (Yeh!!!!)
しん says:
俺も、胸はいらないし、、 (I really dont need my breasts)

Alex says:
うん！！ (yeh!!)

しん says:
生理もきらい！！！ (I hate my period!!!!!)

Alex says:
あははは (hahahaha)


*Then we talk about how we want kids. And the real reason I want a penis is primarily to make kids*

I dont know but this conversation really made me feel comfortable with myself and with any decision I make.

Which still seems to be take testosterone and change my body.

I suggest that if you are confused that you should reach out and find as many people as you can. People in the same situation and different situation as you. Then you can gain their perspective.

Talking with Shin is good because I can discuss my worries and listen to hers and understand that we are coming from the same place.

Thats it for tonight. Im tired. When I get the photos from Formal I'l put them here and write about it like I promised.

My friends are calling me Alex more often. Its hard to get use to. Im trying to figure out whats "Unnatural" or "Doesnt fit/Work" And what is "Breaking habit"

Fry's Guide - How to Pee

Hi, how are we today?

I thought I should write my own "Guide of how to pee".

This guide isnt just for any new-man. This can also be used for girls on car trips or...really dirty toilets.. I dont know...where ever you want.

Ok so lets begin.

Step 1 - Buy a Penis

Calm down Calm down! This isnt as weird as it sounds... actually..yeh..it probably is.

For your new penis you are going to need to go to the chemist and purchase something called a Medicine Spoon. You want something that looks like this -




This costs about $3 - $5 (Australian Dollars).


Step 2 - Shape your penis

If you dont already understand how this is going to work then I'll just explain. There is a scoop/spoon-looking end and a sealed round end... right? Ok, well you put the scoop/spoon-looking end where your pee comes out and then it runs down the tube, ok? Rather simple

WAIT! DONT TRY IT YET!!

We need to put a hole in the end of the tube!!

So you need to find a drill and make a hole about 9mm wide. Or whatever you think is suitable. It needs to be big enough to have a consistant flow of urine.

If its not big enough then yeh.. you might 'overload' the device and its going to come back up and wet your pants. Or if its too big.. well then your flow is just gonna be hard to control. So...experiment.

For those of you who bought a softer plastic Medicine spoon you dont need a drill. I just used scissors and a lot of force.

Step 3 - Practice

This is really important. A you should do a lot of it before deciding to take it out into the real world.

First, practice naked. No pants, no underwear (I didnt wear a shirt either...yes, I was that paranoid). Then stand in your bathtub, or shower (or somewhere you can quickly wash so...the bathroom, ok?).

You need to find this thing called your urethra. Its the place where your pee comes out. Some people have it near the clitorus some people dont so..yeah.. you need to find it.

Place the spoon end close to your vagina and cover your urethra with it. Then pee a little. If you have it in the right place the pee will go down the device and out the hole you made. If not, then just move it and try again.

And ladies and gentlemen, thats how we pee!

Once you have that down and you can do it. Try with underwear on. Then with pants. And then in your actual toilet if your game. Then once your completely confident and have the routine smooth, you can try the real world.


Here is a site I used that helped me learn to pee. It wasnt written by me (its a different Alex but just as cool Im sure).

www.trans-man.org/howto.html

It has more detail.

So have fun everyone ;)

Im a big boy now!!

Firstly, Thank you Kuni for your kind comments :)

Tbow - I had a dream you msg me when I was desperate for help.

To my new friend Mr. Clarke - Are you still reading this?

To everyone else, friends and so on - Do you know what a chinchilla looks like (AH! Dont use GOOGLE!!!)


Ok, let's recap my last 3 days.

On Wednesday, I went to the cricket with my brother (Redbacks vs Warriors... WE WON!!!). You can actually see me on TV in the reply. We were wrapped up in a very ugly bright orange blanket.. so yeh..it made us very easy to spot later on FOX SPORTS.

My brother was going to the toilet and invited me too (Upon my brothers wishes for my safety, Im not to use toilets unaccompanied. So yes, toilets are now INVITE ONLY premises for me). We went, we peed, we had a good giggle. It was so cold we put the hand dyer down our shirts to warm up.

Then my brother retold the story to mum later. Which...well..wasnt a good idea. She wasnt really angry but she said Im very disappointed in you ###### (<-She used my real first name.)

Afterwards I wanted to watch Silence of the Lambs (which I had never seen before). So I watched it by myself and after my brother and mother had stopped being gross rednecks (I say that with love) they sat and watched it with me.

Well, I had no idea the movie involved some slight transexual issues and what not so there I was thinking that maybe this wasnt the best movie for my mother to be watching.

Ummmmm.... Then what happened...We went home... Ummmm.... I chatted to my fabulous girlfriend. We talked about gender issues and that Im going to change my name on my birthday to Alexander (something something, havent decided) M. Fry.

The M is a girls name. Its my late-grandmas and I would like to keep it as a reminder of her heart that accepted so many.

Recently Ive felt myself shift. Something has moved me towards being ok with transitioning. WIth each day that passes I feel myself getting use to the idea and feeling that hey, I wanna do it.

And that in itself is a little scary. Where did this confidence come from?

Ive also decided that if I do decide to take Testosterone, before I get the first needle I will have a party..

...a T. Party...

(Waits for people to get it)

Ahaha, yes. Im funny :)

Ummm.. Oh yeah!!! The formal is on Monday. And I dont know if I have mentioned by my mother is very against it all because she believes it would be rubbing it in everyones face.

I feel thats a load of crap.

My father says its alright pretty much but its my safety is his biggest concern so maybe if I did wanna do it my way then I would have to make sure no one is gonna hurt me, embarrass me or make my life uncomfortable.

My concerns are in line with Dad's. I cant understand what Mum was saying. I just hope that she was just trying to say the same thing as Dad but kinda got confused and it came out wrong...

So, yeh. My school issued me an invite. I told them the problem. They thought it over. They said there was no problem and that the students wouldnt have an issue with it either (I agree with this on the basis that 1. Most of the people attending are my friends, know me, know my situation. 2. The people whom I dont know so well, I am still on good terms with them. 3. Its the last night we see each other. The focus is more on having fun 4. There are teachers everywhere and everyone is now old enough to be prosecuted as an adult (with the exception of me))

So I said yes, and paid for the night. Which meant that I had 2 days to get the Tux (and do they even have my size!?!)

My (Gay) friend who I shall refer to as Waffles had to pick up his suit. So I met him after work and traveled to Ferrari Formal wear by car with his mother (charming woman).

So Waffles tried on his suit again while I browsed the store. Id told Waffles mum a bit about what was going on. She takes everything on a need-to-know basis. Never probes for information and just leaves everything for you to tell her. So yeh, I told her what she needed to know and she gave me a little had in getting a tuxedo.

And by a hand, I mean that she actually loaned me the money so I could take the tux home (which I didnt actually do, I stored it in her house).

So I was so grateful.

I dont know if many can understand how I felt though.

Ive always wanted to wear a suit. Its just been a dream that Id never thought I could do (until like 20 years later). But there I was infront of the mirror dressed in the finest formal wear. And it ALL fitted!! (yes, ok Ill admit some of it was childrens wear but thats not the point is it!) The point is it fitted and it looked so cool.

I feel so happy. Like I had spurted wings of freedom and was my own man.

Or to be phrased in a less poetic way it felt so...right.. I dunno. It was just me.

I thought I would cry. How lame.

Waffles looked pretty damn cool too. I felt a little silly getting the same style as him but it was purely coincidental. I SWEAR!

When I get photos I'll show you how I looked.

So far this is all been kept out of my mothers knowledge.

Ok, so...what else have I been doing... umm... Oh yeah!! My penis! (what? dont look so shocked)

I was bored last night (<-This is how a lot of my stories start) and I remembered the condoms I took from Waffles. I wiped all that package liquid lube shit of the outside and stuffed it full of flour. Then I doubled bagged it with another condom....Then I stuffed it in my newly purchased BONDS underwear to admire my handy work.

I still have to get Waffles to verify with me but Im sure it looks pretty good.

So after I did all that I then msged Waffles, told him what I did and then the conversation went directly to our sizes (Boys will be boys).

Just a random quote from the conversation (Ill leave you guessing who actually said it) - You do realise if yours is bigger than mine Im going to have to kill you.

Umm...What else...well, I chatted to Waffles Mum about him being Gay and how she felt and if everything was ok and if she had questions (Its like a family thing of theirs not to confront each other which is all good and well but incase she did have any queries I wanted her to know that I was an option). So yeh.. we chatted about that on the way home when it was just the two of us (Waffles was dropped at the city). We then discussed butch dykes and whats the deal with wearing boys stuff. Why do they do it?

I have no idea! 'Cause they like it? I also threw the possibility out that in order to catch a femme girlfriend they wanted to be butch. Reflecting on that, I dunno if thats a good answer.. but whatever. I guess the best answer is people are people and we do whatever we do for our own personal reasons.

NOW!! FOR THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY EVENING!!!

I finally used the toilet standing up!! YAY!!! I can pee like a boy!!

This is after a weeks practicing in the shower and bath tub. I remember my first attempt. It was so weird standing to pee but at the same time it was so cool. Cool until I pissed on my leg.

And thats why we practice NAKED in the SHOWER. So if we do have an accident, its no big deal.

Well, today I decided I was good enough to risk the ceramic bowl of doom.

I took off my underwear (just incase) and stood, and peed. I felt so happy with myself.

It was pretty loud though. So I did what this comedian once said about peeing on the edge of the bowl to make it quieter (actually, worked!)

So after I shook and flushed I started to laugh.

Im a 17 year old biological girl.
I just took first piss in a toilet standing up.
And I didnt miss.

Living with me at the moment are two boys in their early 20s. And these guys are terrible aims. They freaking miss ALL the time. So when I use the bathroom there is usually piss on the floor. LOL.

Sorry, I just had to get it off my chest. I hate it when people make a mess like that and DONT clean it up.

So, thats pretty much it from me. Ive been drinking a lot of water (pee practice!)
I'll let you know how the formal went when I wake up Tuesday morning!!

Love you all.
Take care

Here are some random photos of me.

1. Me and my new BONDS briefs. Its weird when you get excited about buying your own underwear...but then again freedom can be anything



2. This is me doing what I do everytime before I have a shower.. inspecting my face for acne and facial hairs (not needed I know..but if it keeps me happy then who is to say its wrong?)



3. What I have I learnt today - Some things in life you can half ass..and shaving isnt one of them



4. Annnnnd this is me in the bathtub which is something I do from time to time.. No I never put water in there (Note: I have a fear of water). I just enjoy the privacy, good lighting and good acoustics.

Bully ~ いじめ ~

I was bullied!

And I wanna tell you about it.

Today I needed to return to my old school (It is a high school, Junior high and a primary school in the same place so its very big. 1500 students). The year 12's (My friends) arent there. Exam week.

During exam week year 12s come and go. Picking up forms and work and other things. They dont wear uniform. So for these students who harrassed me I would have looked like a year 12. Actually, they didnt recognise me at all.

For all they knew I could have been an assistant teacher! (as one of the teachers did mistake me as today!)

I went to the computer room to type up some things and print them off. There is a special room full of computers that students doing study use. So I used that room.

Please note: I was wearing my binder. A Black Polo shirt. Jeans. The Chain connecting to my wallet to my jeans was hanging out in a gangsta fashion and I had sunglasses.

I took a seat by myself. There were three boys seated behind me. They wouldnt have had much of a glance at my face.

So I sat down and started to work. Thats when I heard one say loudly - "Holy shit that dudes a chick!!!"

And they started to laugh and giggled to each other. They talked about me in normal voices. Not whispers. So everyone in the small room could hear VERY clearly.

"She built like a guy. What the fuck"

"What the hell does she wanna be a fuckng guy or something?"

"Oh dude, a chain? Thats so out of fashion"

"Who the fuck is she anyway? Just some random off the street walking into our school?"

Then another boy entered the room. The three boys behind me called to him -

"Hey , That dude is a chick!!!"

"What the fuck?"

Actually, I respect the new guy who came in. His tone indicated that he thought his friends were being a little rude (which I think is an understatement).

Then lunch started and I had to head back to the staff room to talk to the teachers. As I walked I got some names called out to me. You know very unoriganal ones like - "Man-Woman"

You see, this is the crap that happened to me a lot during school. It reminded me how stupid this country is and this city is especially.

What does it matter that I look like a boy!!!
Is that a problem for them? Does it threaten them?
What are they scared that Im more masculine than they are? WHAT? What the fuck is it?

I was pretty furious and I wished that I was suicidal enough to kill them. And not just them, a lot of people at school. Like a columbine attack thing. I think its the only way this city will wake up and realise whats happening! We cant let this kind of thing happen!

I wanted to take some sort of action but I dont know what I can do. The only idea I had is maybe train to be a social worker or one of those kinds of peoples at the school. A special guest speaker to talk to the assholes about how bad it makes people feel and make them stop and realise what they are doing isnt right or 'cool' or anything.

I found my school (and I think it might not be restricted to only us) to be very.... narrow minded? I mean, if your gay that is no problem really. They just ignore it. They never addressed the issue at all. No support. Although technically 10% of the students there ARE gay. And even a teacher or two if Im not mistaken.

Our sex educaton class brushed over the topic and made a mockery of it by playing the SIMPSONS to explain the facts of 'that lifestyle'. Yes, because that helps, doesnt it.

Anyway, moving away from things that make me feel sick and angry. Onto something that just makes me feel sick.

Yes, My binder.

Its rolling up with avengence!!! Lol.
Im washing it at the moment. The hot summer has made me sweat and well, my binder smells. So Im washing it in the sick. Soaking it with some hand soap.

The problem Im finding that I thoguht I should report is that if Im eating a lot (Say Dinner :P ) my tummy expands. And with the binder doing its job so beautifully it pushes the bulk back. Which actually, isnt a good thing after all. It hurts and I get these weird winded kind of pains.

So just a word of warning to those of you buying binders.
If you are on the edge of the sizing chart do what T-Kingdom said... BUY THE BIGGER SIZE!!!
I was almost a M but foolishly got the S. So yeah... T-Kingdom werent shitting around with that suggestion!

So, I hope you all are healthy and happy. I hope to take some more happy snaps and post them up.

Love & Peace Brothers

Haircut

Yes, I finally got around to getting my hair cut. After boxing I had a shower and zipped up to the local shops (where they had a mens hairdresser).

Man, the difference between the mens and the womans is crazy. First of all you dont need to book. You just walk in and sit down. And the guy who was there was great. He didnt talk to me, just focused on my hair.

He pretty much did exactly what I asked... except for the sideburns thing. He completely obliterated my babies!!!!! I worked so hard to get them down there and in one small motion, BAM! GONE!




Sorry... not the best photos :)


Ok, binder troubles. Well, I can put my binder on in about 5-9 seconds. It doesnt itch very much anymore. Still rolls up. The best solution to that is tucking it into my underwear. It still rolls up.. but yeh..it doesnt get really out of control.

But Still it needs adjusting. I do this after I use the bathroom.

Gay Pride Parade

Today Adelaide had its Gay Pride parade and a gay friend of mine was flagging (google it) in the parade so I decided to go (along with some straight friends) for support.

After getting lost in the city (My fault) we found were the parade started. It planned to start at six but like we joked, they waited for us. So at around 20 past 6 the parade started.

Ive never seen so many gay people before.

Actually, Ive never really seen any gay people before.

There were so many people, all different kinds of people. It was amazing. And the energy!

We walked for like an hour. It was awesome. People were dancing and cheering and waving. I was totally awe struck!

I wore my badge I bought in Japan. It has a rainbow on it and underneth that it says "I dont even THINK straight!". I thought it was really cool and I finally had an opportunity to wear it!!!

I saw some drag queens so I got my photo taken with one of them. I was pretty happy.



My mother wasnt really happy about me going but she let me go. She was more concerned that I would be taken part in it. My friends and I did join the crowd and march with everyone...so is that taken part?

Oh well, she was kind enough to let me stay out until then.

I met another gay friend at the event (at the end of the parade there was a big party). We talked a little. Catch up and stuff. But most of the night I hung out with my friends and stuff like that.

Here are just some photos from the parade...and of me :)

Shower revelation

I get a lot of good thinking done in the shower. And today I had a thought I should publish here.

I was wondering about how I would explain how I feel about my identity issues to someone. And I came up with this.

Its like being given high heels to play soccer in. The wrong equipment to play the game.

What I mean is, for all the things about me, it would have been better if I was a boy. With my body, its an uphill battle and there are just some things I cant do. No matter how hard I train I can never be as strong as another male fighter. I cant make the family I want. I cant get married to the woman I love. I'll always have a social barrier with my brothers based on my gender.

I hate being reminded of how Im a gender-fraud, if you will. How Im inadequate.

My girlfriend accidently brought it up twice in the last 24 hours. One remark being about the bedroom (ouch). I feel physically sick from the anger and self-hate and then the hate directed at men in general for getting it easy.

So the question is - how can I deal with it?

The doctor

Im not really creative with titles am I? Oh well...

So today I went to the doctor. I was a little apprehensive of what man Id be talking to. He turned out to be great and I had no problems just being myself.

We discussed a lot of things. From what my mum was thinking to what Im thinking and just some medical things. Im going to have a blood test on Monday to see if I have abnormally high testosterone or something...Its not as bad as it sounds.

Ill be glad when we get to the bottom of this. Because not only is it helping the issue with my mother and I, my gender identity, it also is helping my annoying tourettes-like twitches!

Ill be glad to see the end of them!

In other news, My binder is irritating my skin a little. I just get a tad itchy and I dont know why. Also there were some brown marks on there (could have been my imagination!) so I decided I should wash it.

I used warm water and soap then rinsed with cold water. Washed by hand. Ive left it on the towel rack to dry overnight.

The bad thing Im finding (that everyone is telling you) is that its rolling up. And it hurts. I only just made the cut for the small (and please keep into account I magically gained a bit of pudgeyness all over during the course of the ordering) so the shirt is a pretty smooth fit (read:nail-bitingly tight) so when it rolls, it gets tighter.

Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (which delays the effect but yeh..just by minutes) and Ive also tried reverse-wearing. By which I mean, one day I wear it properly, then I reverse it and wear it in-side-out. I heard somewhere that it helps retain its shape.

And it also saves me from washing!

God, Im so gross :P

After the doctors I grabbed lunch and swung by a friends house. We chatted till dusk and it was awesome. We probably strolled about 6kms and ended up at another friends house.

My friend listened contently to things on my mind and gave her opinion on stuff (we talked about my mother forbidding me to go to my Graduation Formal because I was going to go in a Tuxedo). And I realised how lucky I am and that I should keep in mind more often that Im not cursed but blessed with a gift.

Mother and Son

My mother came into my room the other day and sat on my bed. I was having a bad day. Just a general depression and I had stayed in my room all day.

"What can I do for you?" She said

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She then proceeded to talk about seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist and asking me which one I'd like to talk to (she gave me names).

It seems she has been seeing a doctor and talking to a few people (one of them my Auntie, she is a psychiatrist) about this problem and what do with me.

I told her what my brother and father said. About how I should go to talk to someone who has experience in this situation (like a psychiatrist) who can then give me advice on how I can deal with situations that I may encounter (eg, depression, social rejection and discrimination etc..) and that my family could join me or go by themselves so they could also learn how to cope.

My mother said "Your brother means well but its not a good idea"

I cant help but feel she reallllllly wants me to grow out of this.

She then brought up again the "No one will love you" Arguement.

"No one will love you. Homosexual women want relationships with women. Hetrosexual women want relationships with men. You can satisfy any of them really can you? You'll be hurt"

I just said "I think thats not true. There are lots of people in the world and they fall in love with who ever they want".

I didnt want to use my girlfriend as an example (My mother doesnt really know I have a girlfriend). But yeah, she is a good example. She is hetrosexual. Good girl. Gets good grades. Loves her family. Is christian as far as I know. But hey, she fell in love with me! She loves me as a BOYFRIEND. My body isnt a problem for her.

And I know that there are other girls out there who think the same!

After that she told me about how from the ages of 13 - 17 she wished she was a boy and would dress like a boy and go fishing.

For a moment there I was like "Oh god, am I like her?! is it a faze?"

I dont know. I'll never be sure until Im older. But at the moment my thoughts are this -

I want a penis. That would be so cool.
I want a moustache. That would be so cool.
I want broad shoulders and muscles. That would be awesome.
I want a deeper voice. The one I have now is very deep but... its still high and it cracks sometimes :P

Ive always thought like this. But it was only last year or the year before when I heard about and researched a little about transexuals. And what made me think then "I couldnt do that" is that I want ALL or NOTHING.

Its either, Im a boy or a girl. I dont want to be bi-gender or gender neutral or whatever... Im tired of the "What are you?" question.

Ive decided I want to be seen as a boy. But...what does this mean? Its a little confusing. Isnt it. I just wanted to write it down, say it or whatever...

Anyway, yeah so Thursday (tomorrow!) I go to see the local GP who specialises in psychiatry. Ill talk to him about life and what not for 30 minutes.

If you want to comment on something - PLEASE DO!
I would love to hear your thoughts.

The friend that accepted my decision for this lifestyle kinda went back on that and we had another arguement. I didnt agree with a lot of what she said. But I do agree that I care too much about what people think and say about me.

She was saying that my decision is based on making others happy and not myself. I dont know if I agree.

To a certain extent, it is true.

My package

Yes my precious package arrvied!!!

A Binder from UNDERWORKS.

Im a rather large A Cup. My chest size is about 30 inches.

The binder size is a small.

This is what it looks like.




(Im sorry. I dont shave)

When I first put this on... It was hell. Serious hell. So tight. I couldnt get it over my shoulders. It would lock my hand above my head and there was no way I could step into it and slid it up from my legs to my chest.

In the end my friend came to the bathroom with me and pulled it over my shoulders for me.

The second time I put it on, it was ok. It wasnt as tight. Once I get my arms out the holes and its over my shoulders, it has rolled up and I have a lot of painful trouble trying to unroll it and pull it down. Ive got red rub marks under my arms from that.

And I do recommend you put talc powder on your body.

Me personally, I step into it and stretch it a little so its not too tight. I techincally should have gotten an M size (M size shirts were for 31 inches and up. I just missed the cut off but T-kindgom recommened getting the next size up).

Yes, it does roll up. Slowing from the bottom. The first day I wore it it didnt do it but now its doing it (today is day 3 of wear). Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (ew).

Im also a little itchy because of the shirt. Allergy to spandex? hahaha

I dont have a clear picture of me wearing a shirt and binder... but yes, the effect is very good. I noticed today when I woke up and was walking around without the binder and just a singlet underneath (a tight singlet was what I wore before a binder...that and lots of layers of t-shirts!)

The price for me in Australian dollars was almost 60 bucks including postage. Which I think it really good.

It arrived exactly 2 weeks after I ordered it.

What I have noticed is that Im very paranoid about the size of my chest!!! I realised that now with the binder Im not checking as often - "Are they visible? Can people see them clearly?!?!"
I have a little more confidence and I stand really straight now.

Its easy to breathe! It doesnt feel tight. Maybe the same feeling as wearing one of those Rash Shirts or whatever you call them. The thing that some surfers where... yeah...it feels like that.

Its not hot or uncomfortable. Im really satisfied with my purchase.

It beats sticky tape and ace bandages ;)