Feeling Shaky

I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.

Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.


Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.

Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.

Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.

Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.

... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.

when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.

Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.

Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.

I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?

I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.

My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.

Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.

It was a country of gray.

But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.

I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.



So yeh, I cracked.

I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.

I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.

My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.

Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.


----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.

If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?

Repression

To save me re-writing a lot Ill just show you what I sent to the OZGUYS ftm forum.

-----

Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.

- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery

My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.

Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.

Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.

My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.

The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.

But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?

I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."

Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.

-----


Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.

Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.

Although it is tempting.

I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.

Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.


Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?

Ebay Mania

Im getting hooked.

Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)

I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.

Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!

Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.

In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.

Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.

What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.

Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.

In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.

Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!

Progress Report

Well, I had an appointment with the shrink aaaaand I told him that Ive being taking T. from elsewhere. He laughed and told me I was a 'naughty boy'. Then I corrected him, pointing out 'manipulative' would possibly be better.

Annnnnyway, so he gave me a piece of paper saying I have to go get a blood test. The results would then be sent to either an endo(some sort of specialist) or a gyno.

Me: ...

The gyno is apparently a MTF and she is very careful with her work and make sure that Im 100% fit and ready before clearing me for the T.

The endo on the otherhand doesnt want much to do with me. And is closer.

I chose the gyno because contray to popular belief, Im not a moron - I have to keep a check on my 'manhole' (the new word for my vagina). So she'll give me a papsmear and crap like that. Joy.

The results of the bloodtest will also be sent to my GP (who gave me a lovely yet graphical tutorial on 'bathroom mechanics' much to the embarrassment of my girlfriend). Oh and he also gave me a pen. SCORE!

Because of my bloodtest tomorrow morning I will not be having my injection today. Shame.
And now it occured to me why dont I just do it tomorrow night or something? Duh.

So, in regards to bodily changes my period hasnt come which is both joyous and scary.

And in closing, my mother says Im 'sex-crazed'.
So, its obvious she knows so why bother keeping it down?

How do you make a whore moan?

Stupid female-ness.
My period is coming soon and Im just depressed as hell. But right now - actually Im pretty mad. Even though Im smiling. And singing a littl.

My skin crawls and I feel like Ive got balls of fire on the palms of my hands.

There is a boxing club in my suburb. My plan is to tell the coach the truth but have him put me in the boys class (appropriate weight class too). Then I'll do my best to beat everyone else. The advantages being that I can train at a boys standard (impossible but stay with me), I can fine tune my male-social skills and Ill be able to know whether or not if I get in a fight... Im gonna survive it.

Argh, I just remembered, every time I joined the girls class I got payed out major 'cause when the bell rang I wouldnt hold back. Same with Football and stuff. When the game was on, you're all going down.

I wasnt very popular... but come on!! I mean football without bumping and tackling? What the fuck!

Anyway..

I told my mum that I was gonna join (and thats all I said) and she was thrilled. It starts in an hour and goes until 8pm. As I was leaving the room she said to me "You are a girl"

God that makes me mad.

"You're a girl"
Lets face it, when someone says that they are saying one of three things
"You're too weak"
"You're not suppose to do stuff like that"
"Shh...you wouldnt understand"

Well, which ever it pisses me off.

I just turned and said "No Im not"
And she repeated "You're a girl!"
"So?"
"They'll hit you in the boobies"

I didnt have anything to say to that...
Actually, I do.. I had/have a lot to say...
But my mums stupid/narrow-minded/old fashioned/paranoided/insecure/obsurd (circle appropriate) comments just leave me speechless.
You're suppose to learn from your parents. They are your role models. Admire them!
But when she says weird crap like that its just...wow... hey whats that! Exploding in the sky! My respect for you? Yep, I think so.

Ive watched a few boxing matches and Ive been in a lot of fights (brothers/friends/Waffles) and when I didnt have breasts they werent touched, I didnt touch they're chest either.

Not because its taboo or out of bounds...just because its stupid. If you are stupid enough to leave your chest exposed (solar plexis included) then you deserve to be hit, damaged and killed. The normal on guard fighting stance covers your chest. Duh.

Ive never seen it. Never happened. Even when I rumble with my girlfriend (and thats a no holds barred fight. All we need is jelly and we could tape it and be millionares) Ive never been groped or punched or anything like that...

Oh wait..

Yeh there was this one time where a nipple cripple was involved...

But moving back on topic, how often to you see that in boxing?

All Alone

Two beers
Porn and a Wank

Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.

Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.

Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?

My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.

Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!

I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...

I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)

Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF

I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.

Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.

I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.

:)

He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.

Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.

The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.

Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.

My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.

I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.

And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)

Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!

...I miss my GP.... :(

Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!

Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.

To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway

Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.

I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.

I hate guys with long hair!

Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.

I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)

Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.

Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.

That very well could be me.

And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"

Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.

I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.

I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex

Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.

I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!

There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it

Look out Trees! Look out Lampost!

Because here I come!
Or is it go?

Today I woke up with an inspiration!
Today I wanted to pee.
AT A URINAL!

So, I grabbed my device after school and headed up for the mall (for dinner with Waffles and McAnonymous). Then with the supervised aid of the Waffleman... I presented myself at the urinal.

...and then I got stage fright.

Its harder than I thought to pee while my best bud is watching...

Also to add to the problems I wasnt wearing Y fronts so I had to pull down the front of the underwear and do it that way... which was hard. Stupid lycra sports trunks (they are the only pear I had left!)

The final result was...well.. I asked Waffles to wait outside which he did. And then after much waiting and whistling a few drops leaked out to signify the beginning of a petty trickle.

All I can say is I wanna apologise to the cleaner.
Im sorry - I missed.
It was I who dirtied the floor and Im sorry!

Yeh the stress of peeing and the tightness of the pants meant that the flow didnt come out very well. It only just managed to get into the trough...and the majority hit the ground just infront of my feet (shoes were safe though!)

When I came home from Waffles house I talked to mum about changing my name. If she could sign the papers for me so I didnt have to wait until I was 18. She finally agreed. With little enthusiasm.

When the car stopped I asked her "What are you going to do when I transition?"

And we talked about that.

Her objections were its too early. Im too young. I might change my mind later.
If someone had told her she was transgendered at my age - she would have believed it too.

She also said she feels bad that I have to have such a difficult life.

It would just be easier if I were gay.

She worries about the kind of attention Id attract. She fears that I might be raped (Like Brandon Teena) or bashed because guys would think Im a fag.

Also a friend of the family's sister is gay and didnt like her female body growing up either and it wasnt until she was 20 that she accepted it.

And she also threw it "you know your never going to have a penis" and I just found that really ...condescending.

I mean, come on!
What you think I tripped over a dictionary, landed on the word 'transgender' and said "Oh well, this must be me" And then carried on?
What the fuck, no!
This has been about 1 years solid research! and about another 4 months off and on.

Argh, the problem with talking to my mum is that she is a really influencial person and can really shake my belief.

Id like to be an average teenager and say I find her influencial in my opinions not for any other reason other than she has known me the longest.

So she is most likely to know my behavior best.

So yeh, these talks instill doubt.
I dont know what Im suppose to do
God help me.
Im tired of this.

<>

Im going to bed. Gotta see the shrink tomorrow.
I hate how all this crap has to be sorted in several split up 30 minute sessions.

Couldnt be more Aussie

A warm day. Lots of sun and a dry breeze.
Today I was a truckie.

Im in a place a long way from home. Most people have never heard of.
Out here, I fit in as a drop kick. Dirty hands. White singlet. Orange safety vest. Bacon and Egg McMuffin and a cold ice coffee.

Yeah, baby. I was a truckie.

I went to work with my brother. He is a Pink Lady.
All laughter aside, Ill address those who dont know what that is. Pink lady is a hygiene service. They travel to where ever someone has their product (Supermarket, Office, Pub, Restaurant, Public Park Toilet) and change the sanitry napkin bin, nappy bins, Sharps bin, soaps, air fresheners and so on.

He drives a smallish truck. A transit to be exact.

I helped him do his rounds today and I enjoyed it.

I know you are all probably thinking "how is touching THOSE bins fun? Thats just gross!"

Well, actually... it takes a lot to disgust me.
Especially smells. There are very few smells I cant handle.
Urine, fart, feces, 2 week old used tampons... yeh. Doesnt faze me. I couldnt care less.

Oh you know what i hate though? (Generally) Toilet Air fresheners you buy for your house. Dude, in my opinion a heap of a fat guys diarehhea would smell better. Seriously, I cant stand it.

ANYWAY!

So I found the job interesting. I mean, its toilet business! And I got a VIP access to see both worlds up close! Men and women!


For one - I mean, my brother being a ...man...he has problems with changing the female toilets and stuff. He has to knock, then annouce he is coming in and ask if anyone has an issue (which they usually do) and he has to then wait outside before going in to do his work.

And thats a bit of a hassle because there are about 7 girls on average in the toilets when he does the rounds.

...At 9:30am...

I mean, who has to piss that early? Or even take a dump for that matter. Isnt that a before work activity?

Sorry, Im getting sidetracked...so yeah...

Me being female I could do the female toilets without that stupid waiting. Which meant the job was done quicker.

And then I moved onto the mens. And men dont look at each other anyway so I really have no problem at all.

Now my most interesting fact for the day is about soap.

Now, soaps at your restrooms are changed every fortnight and the container inside the dispenser is about 500mL

In the female toilets, at the end of that fortnight, there is about one forth of that left in there. A very small amount really.

BUT IN THE MENS ROOM..

There was more than half still there. Probably about 2/3 still there on average. In some places, they didnt even need refilling.

IN TWO WEEKS, 1/3 OF THE SOAP IS USED!!!

My GOD is that gross or WHAT!


Um...after that I got left home alone which meant I got continue my drinking. After a couple of beers I went outside and chatted to the little kids across the road. It was apparent that Im not passing. Im getting too old. Lol.

The little girl (8 years old) said to me after I subtly refered to myself as male.

"You know... your kinda half girl and half a guy"

I wanted to get more out of what she meant. Like whether my voice was too high or it was my intonation but she couldnt put her finger on it.

The little boy though (12) just seemed to ignore any real gender thing. We talked martial arts, boxing, motorbikes, bikes, cars, weights and strength and so on..Then we did flips and wrestling moves on the trampoline. Man I havent been on one of those in about 9 years.

Yeah it kinda really set me back to when I was 12 and talking with my mates.

I was rather ...um.. not smashed but I was rather buzzed so I carried on a conversation with them like I would if I was their classmate (I usually have some uncomfortable barrier with kids.. but it seems beer takes that away).

yeh.. It kinda brought back memories. Scratched up some old wounds and what not. I felt the same kinda exhasperated feeling when talking to girls. It was like "I...I just dont have anything to say to you. You are from a different planet"

Yesterday at the trainstation I found a baby kitten. Its not more than 3 weeks old. Its kinda...ferral. I guess. A mungral of course.

But yeh, its kinda cute. Im not really a cat person. Im taking care of it. Feeding it. Flea bathing it and myself (damn fleas) and right now its asleep in my lap which means my tattered left hand gets a rest.

We dont know if its a boy or a girl so we cant find a name for it. I thought Marco would be alright. As in Marco Polo.

But also, Im probably gonna give it away so I really cant be bothered thinking up names and stuff for it.

Anyway, its because of this cat and the little kids next door that I felt a little... negatively nostalgic if that makes sense.

They called it "He-she" and "Girl-Boy" in conversation when the need for pronouns or direct gender referencing arose. And yeah, that made me feel really unhappy cause it reminded me of some of the names people called me.

On a brighter side, ive made endless pussy jokes.

And I thought while lacking a better name I should call the cat - Dog.

If Im gonna be a Lady Boy then damn it, why shouldnt my cat be a pussy pup?

PAIN - Opps I did it again.

No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.

Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.

In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.

Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...

To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)

So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.

So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.

And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!

Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.

So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.

Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).

So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)

So I felt better listening and talking to them.

And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.


Umm, something else...something else...

Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.

Ummm....

Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.

My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.

I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)

Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.

I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.

There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.

Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"

And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!

These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.

Id hate that!

For me.

In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.

So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.

~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)

~*~*~

But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.

Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.

But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.

Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.

If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.

Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.

Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.

When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"

~*~*~

TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"

With the English language, I take the same approach.

If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.

But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.

(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)

Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?

Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...

Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?

P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~

Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)

Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.

You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.

Cheers Waffles.

I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.

Aww yeah~

Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!

Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.

It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"

Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)

My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.

And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.

Doppelganger

A boy wakes up in a double bed. One arm stretched far and the other close to his bare chest. His small fingers touching the emptiness.

It feels rather lonely.

But not for long, he thinks to himself with a smile.

And with that thought propells himself out of bed, ready to repeat the daily routine.

A mouth full of pills chased with water.
An application of Gel.
Quick email check.
Finish dressing.
Then off to work.

Lunch swings round later than usual and this boy is still too busy to sit and eat. He takes it to go while lurking the busy streets, visiting shops, chatting up the assistants and admiring the finely dressed maniquins.

"See you later, Alex!" They say as he leaves the shop a newly bought shirt in hand.

Its back to work for a few more hours before heading home. Another day done.

Its somewhere during the ride home that something strange happens.
A transformation.
Where the young boy in the train seems to fade away and a young girl takes his place. Although the change is slow and usually unseen to the untrained eye the difference is obvious.


This second character is nervous, visibly confused and submissive. Her aura murky and face cast down.

This girl goes 'home' to 'her family' and has dinner with them. She meets the neighbours and family friends and replies vaguely about what she is doing in 'her life'.

Then again, at some undefinable point between walking down the hallway and shutting the door to a bedroom, this girl disappears again.

And there stands only Alex in his room.

People tell him often "You look so different to how I saw you before"

To which he replies "You didnt see me before. It was a doppelganger"


~*~*~

Yes, Ive noticed that Alex and this person whom my parents refer to as their "daughter" are now living seperate lives.

I...find it....important. As much as I dont like it. It keeps the peace.

My mother and brother both reject what Im doing. For different reasons.

I realised that its always been that my brother enjoys making me feel bad by picking on everything I do.

I think there is a lot of irony to the problem really. He blames my mother for his low self esteem and asks me to 'join his side' when infact it is he that has destroyed my self esteem and my mother who has preserved whats left of it.

Anyway,

Not having support from family or from someone you admire sucks. I dont really enjoy living this doppelganger life. I wish my mother and I could both have this journey together.

Im having a second childhood. I still want her there for it.

My brother can burn in hell though. If he dislikes me that much and wants me dead then thats all cool. Im not the least bit fazed about leaving his life. (ah, am I too cold perhaps?)

Any other news: My arms doesnt hurt as much! Also, I got a hair cut.
The End

Day 4

My mother is depressed. Very depressed apparently. She spent the day crying which to be honest is nt uncommon for her to do. She told me today that she was depressed because of me. Because she was worried about me. Worried that I'd make decisions Im 'not yet mature enough to make'.
She also "Doesnt want me to be a freak" and then refered to Micheal Jackson.

Which made me laugh. Because he and I do have something in common. Unfortunately.

Now it may sound like Im patronising or not liking my mothers concern. Well, that last part is right. Sort of.

The one thing about my mother is. . well.. she isnt very smart. She has all the right stuff, all the good intentions and morals and all those other words that look nice on resumes but yeh.. she doesnt quite use them. In a shorter way of complaing - She doesnt really have calm logic.

I think a lot of her stress and my...my uh...umm...err.... Yeh, I feel rather indifferent about my mother. Im going to hell now, arent I. Anyway, I think a lot of trauma could be done away with if the situation was approached calmly, lightly, and in an accepting manner.

I mean if you out right say "No, your crazy. You shouldnt play with nature, you're gonna fuck your life up"

Then no one is going to want to listen to you.

Ummmm... Yeh...Whatelse is news...

Oh thats right, I was fucking sodomised by HAPPY CALLING

(international calling company)They ripped me off something bad. I mean, pretty much they stole $9 dollars from me. And didnt refund anything at all (I asked for full refund but they said they could only refund a part of it). Then when I found my account to still be empty, I called and complained again to which they told me they had no record of my phone call to them, no record of the complaint and that everything was all in my head.

The records were fucking wiped! What the hell! Just what the hell!!

Yeh. Not happy. So I said Im going to complain to someone higher up. And damn it I will, Im pretty shit pissed off. As a result I couldnt call my girlfriend to see how she is doing and if I cant get a new card tomorrow then I wont be able to wish her a merry christmas either :(

God I hate christmas.

I think I hate myself more than I hate christmas though. Damn me.

oh yeh! Progress! Ummm.. well... today nothing really. I do find that Im wanting to beat things up but if I rationalise it all... thats pretty normal for me. Im an aggressive sadist deep down.

If I didnt say this before Ill admit it now - The first time I applied the testogel I started to freak out (I mean I freaked out when I realised I put it on which was like 3 or 4 hours after I did). I panicked for a moment. I was making a step forward towards changing my body. Changing myself. Thats a massively important thing and there I was barely aware that Id even applied it!

Then I chilled myself out.

Its not gonna work over night.
Its not even gonna work noticably until after maybe a month or so.
Its going to be a slow gradual change and Im ok to stop at anytime for any reason

Then I thought, what the fuck. Whats there not to like about going down this path? Why would I wanna stop? :P

Oh yeh.. the cost.
I wonder how far my insurance will cover.. I should find out.

I should also find out about medicare. I have no idea what they do really.

Ah, isnt it good to be young and naive!

What else is new.. umm... The girl I work with is a Nurse in training so I asked her to tell me all she new about self injecting and needles and crap. That was fun. Still feel a little in the dark though :P I wonder if Youtube has any tutorials, hahaha.

I had dinner at a small Japanese restaurant. Ordered Sushi, Rice (with Kuppi Mayo and Soy Sauce!) and a Hahn Light beer.

GASP!

WHATS THAT YOU SAY!?

UNDERAGE?!

Why! yes I am!

How the hell did I get away with it!?

I have no idea!!!!!

But yeh, I enjoyed my beer (Its my number one favourite alcoholic drink. And I only drink Hahn, Toohey's ((how the fuck do you spell it?!)) and Corona on rare occasions. Everything else tastes like ass)

I also made a friend with the only REAL Japanese person working there (the rest were chinese). She collected my plate and commented how unusual it was to make a special request for Mayonaise and rice (its a very Japanese thing to do). And yeh, we got talking.

aahhhhhhhhhh tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Im working.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Its going to be hell ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

But I look forward to it in a way.

Im rather sleep deprived so Im gonna sleep now. Gnight

A virtue?

Ok, yeh... Im going to wait as long as possible before taking testosterone. But me being a spontaneous, reckless, home-and-away hating, impatient person....how long should I wait?

Too long will drive me insane.

Too quick is just irrespoinsible.

I'll be 18 in 3 months so Ill be my own man and legally able to help myself. My brother and my mother asked me to wait until I was atleast 21.

"There is no rush"

Well, there kinda is....

I dont wanna have too much of a life where people remember me as a female. I mean the good thing about my age at the moment is that by the end of next year I will have graduated and I never have to see those pathetic people at school ever again (I kid, they are woderful) which means they never have to see my transition.

So thats 1 reason. The time convinience. I can start a new life and job as a man without this messy "I once was a lesbian but now Im a bisexual male.." crap.

Oh, Today I got a package from Japan. It was a christmas present from the PTA!! YAY!! they bought me mens sports underwear (its made of lycra so its sweat absorbent) and a matching sports shirt. Both Nike.

Mum asked about why the underwear was made of that material to which I explained in a less gracious way.

"Its to stop you getting a sweaty sack"

Im sorry. Today Ive just been a totally moody dick.

Yeh... my mum isnt going to handle a transion well. Its going to take a lot of time. Im not made or angry or anything negative towards her...umm... fears? I dont know what to call them. I guess more than anything Im interested to hear how she REALLY feels. I must be strange to 'loss your daughter'. And Im not the first one she's lost so I guess this is especially difficult for her.

I'll be honest and say that there have been more than a few moments in my life when I felt bad because I couldnt be her little girl like she wanted.

I saw my weird and wonderful doctor again today. I just wanted a perscription for my wonder-meds but he booked me in for a full chat... which is ok. Talking to him means Ill learn something new.

Today I learnt about penis deformities (that would require a man to sit down) and the proper word for man boobs ... WHICH I KEEP FORGETTING GOD DAMN IT I MUST WRITE IT DOWN!

And he learnt about binders. All good. The lovely ladies at the desk phoned up a shrink for me and so Ive got an appointment with this guy who's name escapes me... anyway.. .Ill be seeing him in January. He specialises in these kind of cases I think so hopefully by February, I'll have a few things sorted and Ill be a step closer to finding out my true identity and such

What day is it today... 4th? yay! Its about 80 days till I can see my girlfriend!!! YAY!! YAY YAY!!

81 days 10 hours 28 minutes and 10 seconds (and counting) if you wanna be exact....

But I mean... who's counting?

What else was I gonna blab about... oh... my binder. Well the doctor pointed out sweat stains. I totally didnt notice. Yeh, I think it is a little... umm.. well... not as fresh as it could be. But I mean, only having one (and I wear it almost every day) means that there isnt much time for me to wash and such...

And.... its rolling up sooooo bad I just MUST find out what the hell to do about that. Im thinking about adding a special trim to the end of it and filling it with led pellets.

My mother makes dolls so those little lead shavings are easily accessible to me.

If I end up doing it, Ill let you know how it goes.

Im just a little nervous about fiddling with it because if I fuck up, there is 60 dollars and 2 weeks of my life gone!

Well, tomorrow Im working...again... so Ive got to be up early (8am.. shut up its early for me) to work until 5. Then Im gonna crash at Waffles and play super mario smash brothers.

Aaaah to be young again...

The doctor

Im not really creative with titles am I? Oh well...

So today I went to the doctor. I was a little apprehensive of what man Id be talking to. He turned out to be great and I had no problems just being myself.

We discussed a lot of things. From what my mum was thinking to what Im thinking and just some medical things. Im going to have a blood test on Monday to see if I have abnormally high testosterone or something...Its not as bad as it sounds.

Ill be glad when we get to the bottom of this. Because not only is it helping the issue with my mother and I, my gender identity, it also is helping my annoying tourettes-like twitches!

Ill be glad to see the end of them!

In other news, My binder is irritating my skin a little. I just get a tad itchy and I dont know why. Also there were some brown marks on there (could have been my imagination!) so I decided I should wash it.

I used warm water and soap then rinsed with cold water. Washed by hand. Ive left it on the towel rack to dry overnight.

The bad thing Im finding (that everyone is telling you) is that its rolling up. And it hurts. I only just made the cut for the small (and please keep into account I magically gained a bit of pudgeyness all over during the course of the ordering) so the shirt is a pretty smooth fit (read:nail-bitingly tight) so when it rolls, it gets tighter.

Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (which delays the effect but yeh..just by minutes) and Ive also tried reverse-wearing. By which I mean, one day I wear it properly, then I reverse it and wear it in-side-out. I heard somewhere that it helps retain its shape.

And it also saves me from washing!

God, Im so gross :P

After the doctors I grabbed lunch and swung by a friends house. We chatted till dusk and it was awesome. We probably strolled about 6kms and ended up at another friends house.

My friend listened contently to things on my mind and gave her opinion on stuff (we talked about my mother forbidding me to go to my Graduation Formal because I was going to go in a Tuxedo). And I realised how lucky I am and that I should keep in mind more often that Im not cursed but blessed with a gift.

Mother and Son

My mother came into my room the other day and sat on my bed. I was having a bad day. Just a general depression and I had stayed in my room all day.

"What can I do for you?" She said

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She then proceeded to talk about seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist and asking me which one I'd like to talk to (she gave me names).

It seems she has been seeing a doctor and talking to a few people (one of them my Auntie, she is a psychiatrist) about this problem and what do with me.

I told her what my brother and father said. About how I should go to talk to someone who has experience in this situation (like a psychiatrist) who can then give me advice on how I can deal with situations that I may encounter (eg, depression, social rejection and discrimination etc..) and that my family could join me or go by themselves so they could also learn how to cope.

My mother said "Your brother means well but its not a good idea"

I cant help but feel she reallllllly wants me to grow out of this.

She then brought up again the "No one will love you" Arguement.

"No one will love you. Homosexual women want relationships with women. Hetrosexual women want relationships with men. You can satisfy any of them really can you? You'll be hurt"

I just said "I think thats not true. There are lots of people in the world and they fall in love with who ever they want".

I didnt want to use my girlfriend as an example (My mother doesnt really know I have a girlfriend). But yeah, she is a good example. She is hetrosexual. Good girl. Gets good grades. Loves her family. Is christian as far as I know. But hey, she fell in love with me! She loves me as a BOYFRIEND. My body isnt a problem for her.

And I know that there are other girls out there who think the same!

After that she told me about how from the ages of 13 - 17 she wished she was a boy and would dress like a boy and go fishing.

For a moment there I was like "Oh god, am I like her?! is it a faze?"

I dont know. I'll never be sure until Im older. But at the moment my thoughts are this -

I want a penis. That would be so cool.
I want a moustache. That would be so cool.
I want broad shoulders and muscles. That would be awesome.
I want a deeper voice. The one I have now is very deep but... its still high and it cracks sometimes :P

Ive always thought like this. But it was only last year or the year before when I heard about and researched a little about transexuals. And what made me think then "I couldnt do that" is that I want ALL or NOTHING.

Its either, Im a boy or a girl. I dont want to be bi-gender or gender neutral or whatever... Im tired of the "What are you?" question.

Ive decided I want to be seen as a boy. But...what does this mean? Its a little confusing. Isnt it. I just wanted to write it down, say it or whatever...

Anyway, yeah so Thursday (tomorrow!) I go to see the local GP who specialises in psychiatry. Ill talk to him about life and what not for 30 minutes.

If you want to comment on something - PLEASE DO!
I would love to hear your thoughts.

The friend that accepted my decision for this lifestyle kinda went back on that and we had another arguement. I didnt agree with a lot of what she said. But I do agree that I care too much about what people think and say about me.

She was saying that my decision is based on making others happy and not myself. I dont know if I agree.

To a certain extent, it is true.

Tuesday with my brother

Hello, Im blogging from my brothers house. Im staying here until Friday.

My mum and I had a venting session and I wanted a little bit of time away before I really got angry.

So here I am.

Well, Im excited! My binder is on its final count down now....annnny day. Im so looking forward to that.

At the moment Im using a Tight Lycra (or spantex, I dont know) Gym shirt. I bought this in Japan at UNIQLO for about 2000 yen. Which is about 20 bucks. This is generally tight and clingy so it smooths out my body but doesnt flattern. The advantage of wearing this is my nipples are covered and Im 'supported' with out a bra.

Under this I usually wear lots and lots of shirts. Just plain white T-shirts. This makes me look a little 'bulkier'. Im a really thin guy so yeah...this illusion helps!

So, my dressing order is Tank top (my underwear).
3 White T-Shirts
Spandex Gym Shirt
And finally my dress shirt or whatever Im wearing f0r the day.

In winter, this is all a blessing. Its so warm!! But its becoming summer so yeah, its getting a little hot.

Back to my family now.
It seems my mother is having the most trouble adjusting to me being...well...different now. My brothers are ok with it but of course after living together and growing up with a little sister there are just things they need to sort out.

My second eldest brother recommended the entire family go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist so we can all talk about this problem together (with myself going alone on some occasions and possibly other family members doing the same if they felt they needed to). We would talk about the different problems we might encounter and how to deal with them.

The most obvious example is learning how to deal with people who dont agree with me. What I can do, or my friends and family can do, to try and avoid a potentially dangerous situation.

I think this is a good idea.

I was reading up on the 'side effects' of Testosterone. Well, I was curious... How big does your clitorus get? and what does it look like?

So I googled "Giant clitorus" (My brother told me to do it!!) and well...I was a little shocked at the results. I mean...wow...wow wow wow! Thats ...a little scary. I was a little scared. I mean, I guess its kinda cool. But yeah at the same time its scary. You are stuck between having a penis and a clitorus... its like...a cli-nis. Odd.

I think Id be embarrassed to show my girlfriend what I had 'downstairs'. I just wouldnt take my clothes off or let her touch me.

I wonder.. Can you masturbate with it just like a dick? Im a little curious again.... Maybe I should watch videos...

Ok, well I dont know if I told you or not...but I talked to my Dad about what name I should have. I thought if I was going to change my name, he should have a part of his decision. So he is involved in the process and maybe wont reject the transition. (Not that I really this is will)

So the name Alex has been marked as a "good name". I have 2 middle names (both girls names) that I thought I should change too. However, one of the names is the name of my late-grandmother. So I would like to keep that name in memorial to her. Ive heard of this being done before with men. So, all I need now is another middle name!!

I talked to my girlfriend about this. She was really surprised and had no idea I was going to change my name. Which then made me surprised because I was sure I talked about it and if I didnt, It seemed like a little bit of an obvious step. Hahaha. Anyway.
She wanted names like Jessie or James or Arthur. Which are names I agree on but arent suitable. Reasons being, one of those names was the name of her ex-boyfriend's friend.. and yeah...why would I want that connection? Lol. Also, the name would preferably be unisex. As that would just be really convinient. Jessie is unisex but there was a guy in my class called Jessie and he was a real asshole...It kinda spoiled the name for me.

My family vaguely know of this name - Alex. At first my second-eldest brother and his fiancee didnt agree on it because they couldnt see it but they told me yesterday that its kinda grown on them and it suits me nicely.

Sorry, I got a little off track. Yeah. Im looking for another middle name now. Perhaps James? I dont know.

I dressed up and took some pictures for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy :)







Do I look good? hahaha

Ok, well thats it for today! Love you all.
Ciao!