Saturday, May 9, 2009

Repression

To save me re-writing a lot Ill just show you what I sent to the OZGUYS ftm forum.

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Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.

- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery

My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.

Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.

Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.

My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.

The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.

But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?

I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."

Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.

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Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.

Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.

Although it is tempting.

I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.

Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.


Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?

4 comments:

Marcus said...

hi have you thought of contacting Karen at the Bfriend project- she might be a good sounding board outside the medical "progamme"

Bfriend also run programmes that support parents of people who are diverse in sexuality of gender identity.

Awol said...

Yes and both my calls were ignored, nobody ever got back to me.

I also left a flier for my mum (because they offer support for SOs) but it seems she just binned it.

Marcus said...

HI again, sorry to hear this.

I am not sure what assitance it would be if i sent a querry through to Karen Poulton and Bfriend,as to why some phone calls are going unanswered.

I suspect if your mother is so adamamant in her ways that it might be best if possible to have some space from her.

perhaps you can negotiate a payment method with you health professionals that accomodates you financial status too. ( though the odds Dr Rob aka R1 will are low you may have sucsess with R2 aka Dr Rosie J.)

Im just wondering and dont know if it would help if your mother met other guys and their parents also-
perhaps she is experiencing some grieving for what she hoped for in life

Awol said...

Cheers for the advice Marcus.