Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Feeling Shaky

I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.

Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.

Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.

Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.

Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.

Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.

... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.

when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.

Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.

Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.

I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?

I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.

My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.

Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.

It was a country of gray.

But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.

I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.

So yeh, I cracked.

I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.

I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.

My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.

Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.

Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.

If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?


Deutlich said...

I can't imagine how difficult that entire situation is.

I wish you the best.

Marcus said...

Hey dude, hope you are ok.

R1 aka Dr Lyons and R2 aka Rosie Jones are headed to oslo for a few weeks ( half their luck) there going to talk about sex- no doubt they will claim it on tax hehhheh

you havent written for a little while so thought i would pop in and say hi

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