Well, my true identity (alex) was disclosed to my friend's Danny 's mother. She has met me before under my former name. Anyway her mother found out and went on and on to Danny and asking if we were going out and stuff and blah blah blah. So in conclusion, I said I wouldnt meet her again... with the exception of the holidays when she will stay at my house for a few days.. but yeh after that no.
Unfortunately Danny said Im going to a doctor to fix my problem ... so... mmm... yeh... I dont know how I feel about her mother knowing.. because I dont particularly like that mother for her general socipathic tendancies... mmm yeh.
Well, I guess I am going to miss having a girl who likes woman as much as I do. For most of my life I was the only lesbian.. so.. mm... I hope you can understand how I feel.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Night on Mars
I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
You think Im ok?
Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.
[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"
"What?"
"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"
"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"
"No not that!"
Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"
"Oh... ok.."
(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)
"When I start taking T it'll improve"
"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."
"..."
"...."
"Ok"
"I dont want you to change"
"Huh like what?"
"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"
FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).
Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.
Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...
Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)
male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth
So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.
Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...
I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)
Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?
I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.
Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.
Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.
And yeh.. thats it..
Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).
Yeh.. I miss her..
:(
I still pray that its not love
Go figure
[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"
"What?"
"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"
"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"
"No not that!"
Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"
"Oh... ok.."
(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)
"When I start taking T it'll improve"
"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."
"..."
"...."
"Ok"
"I dont want you to change"
"Huh like what?"
"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"
FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).
Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.
Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...
Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)
male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth
So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.
Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...
I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)
Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?
I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.
Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.
Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.
And yeh.. thats it..
Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).
Yeh.. I miss her..
:(
I still pray that its not love
Go figure
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Black Market
Where do they buy the drugs?
Who the hell has these things? I just.. no Im at a loss.
Runamuck chemists?
Truckies?
All the people I know who do drugs or are drug dealers are all like into Meth and the Mary-Jane...
Wow.. I suddenly painted my self as a shady character... no.. I just happen to know a variety of people.
And Im sorry to say it but it seems that drugs are booming in the gay scene.
This is going to be a short blog. Im with Waffles at the moment. I took him shopping. I love shopping with him. HE's my only guy friend and Im going to say it - shopping with women is a nightmare.
I want to scoop my eyes out with the dull knife.
Oh lets try this
And this and this and look at this.
Im not really gonna buy anything though. Just looking
Think of the man's welfare!!
For christ sake if Im here - entertain me
Fashion a Bikini !!
...
Calling all married men - Do you still find your wife sexually attractive? Or does it turn into something else?
And now I leave you with my photos. Muahhaha
Me Chilling on the grass
Me Riding a Cow
Me... after Asuka carved her name into my back
I managed to con Asuka into wearing my clothes (binder too!) in exchange for me wearing her clothes...and make up...and high heels...those photos shall be burnt
Me and a Kangaroo. True Aussie
Who the hell has these things? I just.. no Im at a loss.
Runamuck chemists?
Truckies?
All the people I know who do drugs or are drug dealers are all like into Meth and the Mary-Jane...
Wow.. I suddenly painted my self as a shady character... no.. I just happen to know a variety of people.
And Im sorry to say it but it seems that drugs are booming in the gay scene.
This is going to be a short blog. Im with Waffles at the moment. I took him shopping. I love shopping with him. HE's my only guy friend and Im going to say it - shopping with women is a nightmare.
I want to scoop my eyes out with the dull knife.
Oh lets try this
And this and this and look at this.
Im not really gonna buy anything though. Just looking
Think of the man's welfare!!
For christ sake if Im here - entertain me
Fashion a Bikini !!
...
Calling all married men - Do you still find your wife sexually attractive? Or does it turn into something else?
And now I leave you with my photos. Muahhaha
Me Chilling on the grass
Me Riding a Cow
Me... after Asuka carved her name into my back
I managed to con Asuka into wearing my clothes (binder too!) in exchange for me wearing her clothes...and make up...and high heels...those photos shall be burnt
Me and a Kangaroo. True Aussie
Thursday, March 20, 2008
All Alone
Two beers
Porn and a Wank
Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.
Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.
Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?
My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.
Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!
I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...
I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)
Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF
I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.
Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.
I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.
:)
He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.
Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.
The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.
Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.
My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.
I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.
And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)
Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!
...I miss my GP.... :(
Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!
Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.
To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway
Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.
I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.
I hate guys with long hair!
Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.
I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)
Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.
Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.
That very well could be me.
And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"
Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.
I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.
I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex
Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.
I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!
There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it
Porn and a Wank
Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.
Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.
Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?
My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.
Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!
I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...
I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)
Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF
I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.
Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.
I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.
:)
He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.
Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.
The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.
Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.
My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.
I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.
And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)
Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!
...I miss my GP.... :(
Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!
Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.
To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway
Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.
I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.
I hate guys with long hair!
Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.
I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)
Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.
Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.
That very well could be me.
And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"
Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.
I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.
I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex
Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.
I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!
There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it
Thursday, March 13, 2008
M.I.A...again...
Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Where's Wally?
MY BIRTHDAY SOON! Annnnnyway...
My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy
"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"
Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!
And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!
PHOTO SPAM!
Of course we have our nintedo fights...
And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)
Umm...something new...
Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.
Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...
Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!
The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it
Ah the things you learn :P
Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"
I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.
To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.
Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy
"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"
Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!
And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!
PHOTO SPAM!
Of course we have our nintedo fights...
And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)
Umm...something new...
Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.
Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...
Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!
The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it
Ah the things you learn :P
Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"
I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.
To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.
Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Back to school
Alex goes to school.
Alex has a hormone deficency and thats why he looks 12
Alex (despite people trying to talk to him during the lunch break) prefers to eat alone.
Alex's mum put down his wrong name on the enrollment forms.
The school assumed his gender.
And thats my school life as of week one (which was a while ago).
The teachers assumed pretty much all of this. I just awkwardly laughed.
Apparently one of the teachers is going to go change my gender believing fully that there was some error on the forms
Now this happened at my old school too. But the class knew me so when the mistake was made theyd laugh and someone would point it out. However, at this new school, nobody knows me therefore there is no correction.
And who am I to object to the teacher?
In front of the entire class...
Oh well it will only be a matter of time.
Actually one teacher does know. My english teacher. During the class I approached him and asked him if he could change my name down to Alex (I refused to answer my name... he called me Alica or something anyway).
He laughed and asked me "You prefer that name do you?"
"Yep"
"Odd though. I thought this name [the real name] was a girls name"
"Yeh it is"
"Why did they give you a girls name?"
"Probably 'cause by techincality im a girl"
"Oh.. OH! I see you are one of those people...a.. uh...tran..tran...s..-"
"Gender"
"yes thats it. Great...great.. thats interesting"
And then we moved on with our lives.
I use the urinals at school. I try to pick a time when everyone is out like during class or in the middle of lunch.
Ive only had one guy come in while I was washing my STP in the sink. Luckily Im in the practice of smuggling it and making it look like im just rubbing my hands together.
Needless to say though I still crapped myself. I didnt expect someone to come in.
You know what ive noticed... mens bathrooms dont have mirrors. Where as the womens always do.
Waffles managed to take me under his wing. In a self benefiting way.
I was lying on his bed when he asked "Wanna practice a man job?"
(ok so far this story sounds really sus but bare with me)
I said "ok" thinking he was gonna get me to lift stuff and if he did, id tell him where to cram it.
"Alright. Clean my shaver"
So I took the thing apart and cleaned it and put it back together. Amazing stuff. Seriously enjoyed it. Crazy, huh.
Then I tried using it.
Yeh...
Umm...Yeh....
I dont know. I gonna get more practice. It just didnt give a close shave. Or Im just really lousy.
Well that pretty much updates my doings.
My girlfriend is coming to stay this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Someone to cook my dinner
Oh...and I also need something for my libido. Im picking my brain about what I can do to give myself a boost cause yeh... im seriously not interested and Ive just passed the time in my cycle when im suppose to be MOST interested...and yeh..that time was freaking nothing..
Oh! I was reading that surges of hormones during your cycle make you more inclined for a man. Makes sense.
Alex has a hormone deficency and thats why he looks 12
Alex (despite people trying to talk to him during the lunch break) prefers to eat alone.
Alex's mum put down his wrong name on the enrollment forms.
The school assumed his gender.
And thats my school life as of week one (which was a while ago).
The teachers assumed pretty much all of this. I just awkwardly laughed.
Apparently one of the teachers is going to go change my gender believing fully that there was some error on the forms
Now this happened at my old school too. But the class knew me so when the mistake was made theyd laugh and someone would point it out. However, at this new school, nobody knows me therefore there is no correction.
And who am I to object to the teacher?
In front of the entire class...
Oh well it will only be a matter of time.
Actually one teacher does know. My english teacher. During the class I approached him and asked him if he could change my name down to Alex (I refused to answer my name... he called me Alica or something anyway).
He laughed and asked me "You prefer that name do you?"
"Yep"
"Odd though. I thought this name [the real name] was a girls name"
"Yeh it is"
"Why did they give you a girls name?"
"Probably 'cause by techincality im a girl"
"Oh.. OH! I see you are one of those people...a.. uh...tran..tran...s..-"
"Gender"
"yes thats it. Great...great.. thats interesting"
And then we moved on with our lives.
I use the urinals at school. I try to pick a time when everyone is out like during class or in the middle of lunch.
Ive only had one guy come in while I was washing my STP in the sink. Luckily Im in the practice of smuggling it and making it look like im just rubbing my hands together.
Needless to say though I still crapped myself. I didnt expect someone to come in.
You know what ive noticed... mens bathrooms dont have mirrors. Where as the womens always do.
Waffles managed to take me under his wing. In a self benefiting way.
I was lying on his bed when he asked "Wanna practice a man job?"
(ok so far this story sounds really sus but bare with me)
I said "ok" thinking he was gonna get me to lift stuff and if he did, id tell him where to cram it.
"Alright. Clean my shaver"
So I took the thing apart and cleaned it and put it back together. Amazing stuff. Seriously enjoyed it. Crazy, huh.
Then I tried using it.
Yeh...
Umm...Yeh....
I dont know. I gonna get more practice. It just didnt give a close shave. Or Im just really lousy.
Well that pretty much updates my doings.
My girlfriend is coming to stay this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Someone to cook my dinner
Oh...and I also need something for my libido. Im picking my brain about what I can do to give myself a boost cause yeh... im seriously not interested and Ive just passed the time in my cycle when im suppose to be MOST interested...and yeh..that time was freaking nothing..
Oh! I was reading that surges of hormones during your cycle make you more inclined for a man. Makes sense.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Something to shoot for
I started running over the possible things that could cause me to freak out about transitioning.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Lab Rat Alex - At it again!
Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The working man
I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.
It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*
*flex*
Muhahaha
I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.
In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!
Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)
The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.
The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.
And .5% of that is FTM
Very small market there
But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.
Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.
RANDOM NESS!!
Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!
Ummm... whats something else random...
My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day
Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.
And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.
Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)
But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.
Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.
Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!
Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.
Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.
When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.
Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens
It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*
*flex*
Muhahaha
I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.
In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!
Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)
The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.
The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.
And .5% of that is FTM
Very small market there
But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.
Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.
RANDOM NESS!!
Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!
Ummm... whats something else random...
My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day
Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.
And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.
Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)
But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.
Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.
Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!
Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.
Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.
When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.
Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Shrunken Heads
I woke up at 11am at Waffles house. At 2:15pm I had an appointment in the city. Without any other transport I took Waffles' bike and shot off. I think I must have broken like a time record or something.
Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.
Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.
I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.
I just think its ridiculous.
Moving on.
At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.
That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.
Which is pretty spot on.
Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)
I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)
I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)
Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)
So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.
They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.
Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)
So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.
One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.
The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.
So lets get on with the good news.
By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.
Ouch.
I...Id rather keep that
And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!
Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.
Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)
Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.
Kinda sad.
A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.
Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.
Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.
And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...
Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.
Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.
I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.
I just think its ridiculous.
Moving on.
At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.
That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.
Which is pretty spot on.
Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)
I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)
I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)
Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)
So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.
They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.
Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)
So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.
One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.
The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.
So lets get on with the good news.
By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.
Ouch.
I...Id rather keep that
And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!
Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.
Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)
Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.
Kinda sad.
A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.
Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.
Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.
And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...
Monday, January 7, 2008
From the woman who puts up with me...
I asked my girlfriend to write a little thing about dating me and whats its like. And here it is!
~*~*~
Hello Im Alex's girlfriend.
umm.. today ill tell you how i feel about dating him.
but first i tell you about myself.
Im Japanese and 18 years old. same age with him.
and Im straight..lol
my ex-boyfriends were boys.
and i had never fallen in love with girls.
I met Alex at the BBQ party.
he didnt speak to me and my friends.
and I thought "ill never meet him.only today."
and he was sitting on a chair alone so I spoke to him.(what a nice person i
am! lol)
I interviewed him about himself.
and yeh.. i was given his email address and promised him i would chat on
MSN when i got to house.
because he was keep saying negative things.. like.. You wont email me...
and we talked on msn and decided to meet each other again.
and yeh... we started dating.
maybe when i started dating him,i was thinking "alex is a boy."
and the more i know about him,i felt.. oh alex is a girl.
but then i didnt think its gross!! or anything like that.
when we did.... 'it'... umm..the first time,i didnt know what to do to be
honest.
but
i didnt care about his sex or what body he has.
I love him as a person.
and i treat him as a boy.
Im a person.. and he is too.
a person loves a person.thats all.
as a fact,we are loving each other.
so there is nothing problem i guess.
the only problem between us is we cant meet each other because we are
living in different countries.
thats all i guess:)
we sometimes...often... have arguments,but it happens to every couples.
the good thing is he can understand me as a girl.
i mean alex understands girls' feelings or something like that too.
the most important thing is not if he is a girl or not.
the most important thing is if we are loving each other and care about each
other.
anyway I love Alex and wanna keep our relationship as long as we can:)
~*~*~
And there you have it.
By the way I should clear things up
1. No, we arent married but I call her my wife. Why? She cleans my clothes, cooks my dinner and makes subtle comparisons of me to other guys. How much more wifey could she get?
On the other hand, I fix her electronical crap, drink her beer, forget our anniversary and let her spend my money.
How much more of a husband could I be?
2. I think we've been dating for about 7 months. Im not sure and I dare not ask.
3. Im more aware of whats going on than Ill tell you.
~*~*~
Hello Im Alex's girlfriend.
umm.. today ill tell you how i feel about dating him.
but first i tell you about myself.
Im Japanese and 18 years old. same age with him.
and Im straight..lol
my ex-boyfriends were boys.
and i had never fallen in love with girls.
I met Alex at the BBQ party.
he didnt speak to me and my friends.
and I thought "ill never meet him.only today."
and he was sitting on a chair alone so I spoke to him.(what a nice person i
am! lol)
I interviewed him about himself.
and yeh.. i was given his email address and promised him i would chat on
MSN when i got to house.
because he was keep saying negative things.. like.. You wont email me...
and we talked on msn and decided to meet each other again.
and yeh... we started dating.
maybe when i started dating him,i was thinking "alex is a boy."
and the more i know about him,i felt.. oh alex is a girl.
but then i didnt think its gross!! or anything like that.
when we did.... 'it'... umm..the first time,i didnt know what to do to be
honest.
but
i didnt care about his sex or what body he has.
I love him as a person.
and i treat him as a boy.
Im a person.. and he is too.
a person loves a person.thats all.
as a fact,we are loving each other.
so there is nothing problem i guess.
the only problem between us is we cant meet each other because we are
living in different countries.
thats all i guess:)
we sometimes...often... have arguments,but it happens to every couples.
the good thing is he can understand me as a girl.
i mean alex understands girls' feelings or something like that too.
the most important thing is not if he is a girl or not.
the most important thing is if we are loving each other and care about each
other.
anyway I love Alex and wanna keep our relationship as long as we can:)
~*~*~
And there you have it.
By the way I should clear things up
1. No, we arent married but I call her my wife. Why? She cleans my clothes, cooks my dinner and makes subtle comparisons of me to other guys. How much more wifey could she get?
On the other hand, I fix her electronical crap, drink her beer, forget our anniversary and let her spend my money.
How much more of a husband could I be?
2. I think we've been dating for about 7 months. Im not sure and I dare not ask.
3. Im more aware of whats going on than Ill tell you.
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