All Alone

Two beers
Porn and a Wank

Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.

Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.

Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?

My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.

Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!

I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...

I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)

Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF

I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.

Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.

I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.

:)

He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.

Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.

The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.

Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.

My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.

I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.

And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)

Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!

...I miss my GP.... :(

Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!

Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.

To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway

Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.

I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.

I hate guys with long hair!

Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.

I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)

Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.

Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.

That very well could be me.

And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"

Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.

I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.

I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex

Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.

I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!

There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it