You think Im ok?

Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.

[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"

"What?"

"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"

"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"

"No not that!"

Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"

"Oh... ok.."

(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)

"When I start taking T it'll improve"

"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."

"..."

"...."

"Ok"

"I dont want you to change"

"Huh like what?"

"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"

FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).

Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.

Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...

Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)

male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth

So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.

Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...

I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)

Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?

I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.

Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.

Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.

And yeh.. thats it..

Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).

Yeh.. I miss her..

:(

I still pray that its not love
Go figure