Lab Rat Alex - At it again!

Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.

I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in

THE VOICE IN MY HEAD

The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.

I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.

But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE

When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.

Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.

Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.

However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.

Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"

But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)

So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)

When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -

"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"

Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.

In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"

Moving On.

HOW I SEE MYSELF

Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.

I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.

Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.

Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.

Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.

Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.

So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?

UNDERSTANDING

Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.

Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)

But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.

If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.

And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)

GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.

Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.

Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.

Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)

And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!

OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!

And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!

OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!

So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!

I have one simple word for you...

WAFFLES

Yes, Waffles.

Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.

Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"

Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two

So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.

I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.

WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.

Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.

I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.

So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.

Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P

Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment