Updatedness

Nothing really to report. I havent grown anything or lost anything. Its all rather boring at the moment.

I want to cut my hair...but Ill wait until after the series of weddings next month to do it.

I must remember Im not one of those playdough men. If I cut my hair itll take a while to grow back.

IVe also been rather ill. I woke up with a migraine, vomiting followed. Next day, vomiting...followed by intense diarrhoea and the forecast is for the same.

I a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel (or my anus, whatever.) Its been 10 hours since Ive ejected anything.


Oh and I have a job now. Unfortunately its working outside in the heat.

Almost 10 months on T

Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.

Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.

Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.

Remarkable!

Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.

Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.

Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"

Well!...
Im just elated!

So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.

My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.

No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)

The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^

The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!

HAHAHAHA

Who am I kidding.

Work

Ive logged on with Jobsearch which is the new name for the doll. But Ive violated my conditions. Apparently I had to be there everyday but to my understanding I thought I just had to do my hours over 2 weeks.

My fault for being so sleepy when I went to the first induction.

Jobs are far and few between. Ive applied to everything Id like, a few things that I dont like and mostly jobs Im qualified for.

Its been 3 weeks of daily searching.. which has resulted in two offers.
Illusive Cube.
Which I thought sounded really good but I googled it and people were saying its a scam.

and....

porn...

Ive got 2 dollars in my bank account and I dont have a valid bus ticket so that last option is starting to look really good.

M.I.A...again...

Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit

Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.

I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate

Dim Peter As String

If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf

...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...

So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.

AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*

She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.

On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.

Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story

I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!

My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.

...Mmmm...

Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.

2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(

A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?

Coming from Behind

ow! Ow! OW!

Ok this story starts on Wednesda at 1:39pm.
It should start at 11am when my alarm went off. But it doesnt
I slept through it.
And woke up at 1:39pm
Thrity nine minutes AFTER my appointment with the shrink had started.

Yeh... yeh I was pretty made.
Because not only did I miss a step on the path forward I also
- Have to pay for the session in full
- Have to wait until March before I can see him again

So I was very very unhappy with myself.

I have a small amount of money saved away. Ill guess and say there is about $600 in there now.
And that has to pay for:
6 appointments with the shrink ($40 dollars each)
T shots(Once I start T. $5 a week. God bless Medicare)
Ticket to Japan ($300 one way)
Fee for name change (About 60 - 100 dollars?)
And yeh... then there is the other stuff like if I wanted to do something on weekends, if I wanted a return ticket to Australia (AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasp* AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHA), Chest surgery and yeh stuff like that.

So this all points to one thing *sigh* I have to get a job again :(
Stupid life. Being so expensive.

Anyway, Ive gone of track the story I wanted to share with you is what I did in order to break even on Wednesday.

Yeh so I wasted forty dollars so I got on the train...
Went to the city
Found a nice man to employ me for a while and then went home 50 dollars richer.

I should feel bad about what I did, shouldnt I? The fact is I dont. The only trace of regret I have is that I didnt charge more.

The usual rate (if you go by industry standards) is about 100.

But yeh... so my ass hurts something chronic.
And no there was no protection involved.
And no, I dont care about that either..

Self-harm, anyone?

...
.....
......

God isnt it sad when we live in a world that forbids love?

Today I remembered going shopping with an ex-girlfriend and some guy was shouting homophobic abuse at us.

I really pray nothing like that happens while my girlfriend is here. It embarrasses me. I know she is stronger than me in her heart and she might brush words off but I dont want her to see me lose face.

God damn it, its like my duty to protect her. I dont want her or myself to feel incompitent.

Argh, yeh that is a real pain for me. It upsets me. A lot.
Lol. I can feel the adreniline rushing through my veins right now.

Umm there was probably something else I wanted to talk about.
I lost some money
I gained some money
Ive lost my general zest for life and feel indifferent.

Ah,
Uncle Fatal

You... my man...are going to be lectured by someone half your age. Ill make it short and sweet.

Life is full of winners and losers.
Mostly the latter.
So which one are you gonna be?

Grab life by the balls.

There is something in your life. Something you have right now (and this could be any number of things) that is your key to achieving well-being. Find it. Utilise it.

There is nothing stopping you from finding someone to cuddle up with. You just need to revalue yourself. 'Cause man you sell yourself too short.

Back to School

Today I had my first lesson at my new school. Its an adult school and the lessons go for three hours at a time with a short 15 minute break between each.

I sat and didnt do much. Just listened to the teacher lecture. Did a bit of writing.

Name call was interesting. I didnt answer to my name. So the teacher came up to me later and asked who I was and if my name was on the list.

I pointed it out and told him it was to be changed soon anyway so just start calling me Alex.

He agreed easily and commented "Its an usual name. I thought it was only a girls name"

Ah, good to see that some things about school never change.

Ill be visiting the school office tomorrow to see if they can change the name on the records otherwise my terrible name that was given to me at birth (which is really a nice name I suppose - Just not for me) will be printed onto my I.D. Card.

Hmm I just had a brain wave. I should change my name now and get my mum to sign it (Dispite her being against it I know she'd still consent) then I could go get my drivers license! Which saves me waiting till my 18th (which then I dont need consent)
Hmmm.. I might do that.

Ive got a shrink appointment on... Wednesday of this week! Something to look forward to! Except the fact that its eating away at my bank balance. The very same funds which I so dearly need to get me outta this place.

Urg. Damn it. I need a job!

Ah, I tried to open up the subject on transitioning and stuff. I started of (ironically how she started with me) "What do you want me to do for you?". There was this blankness on her face. And on mine. And then me moved on and started talking about something else.

Argh, god Im a coward.

Anyway before I leave you I thought Id give you the lyrics of a song that has stuck with me ever since I first her my mother sing them to me (Is it just me or is that a little ironic too?)

"A Boy Named Sue"
By Johnny Cash

My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,
It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue."

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,
My fist got hard and my wits got keen,
I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars
And kill that man who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July
And I just hit town and my throat was dry,
I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
There at a table, dealing stud,
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue."

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old,
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold
And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do!
Now your gonna die!!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes
And he went down, but to my surprise,
He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.
But I busted a chair right across his teeth
And we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men
But I really can't remember when,
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said: "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I die,
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun
And I called him my pa, and he called me his son,
And I came away with a different point of view.
And I think about him, now and then,
Every time I try and every time I win,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

The working man

I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.

It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*

*flex*

Muhahaha

I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.

In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!

Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)

The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.

The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.

And .5% of that is FTM

Very small market there

But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.

Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.


RANDOM NESS!!


Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!

Ummm... whats something else random...

My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day

Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.

And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.

Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)

But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.

Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.

Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!

Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.

Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.

When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.

Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens

I quit

Yeh, Ive just finished writing up my resignation letter. I'll be handing it in today and as on this Sunday I shall no longer be apart of Coles.

Which... yeh... kinda makes me feel a little sad. Because dispite the crap I liked it.

I do kind of hope when school gets going and thats all cool I can find a job at a mens clothing store or something.

Or anywhere really...

Any ideas for work?

Shrunken Heads

I woke up at 11am at Waffles house. At 2:15pm I had an appointment in the city. Without any other transport I took Waffles' bike and shot off. I think I must have broken like a time record or something.

Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.

Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.

I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.

I just think its ridiculous.

Moving on.

At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.

That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.

Which is pretty spot on.

Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)

I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)

I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)

Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)

So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.

They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.

Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)

So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.

One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.

The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.

So lets get on with the good news.

By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.

Ouch.

I...Id rather keep that

And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!

Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.

Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)

Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.

Kinda sad.

A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.

Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.

Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.

And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...

Customers Say the Darndest Things

Ah, Im sorry. I just get a kick out of the weird things people do and rather then let them waste away in my head I thought Id share.

Virginian Ham. Do you know it? Just a standard run of the mill processed leg ham. Lol.

For some reason, I cant keep a straight face when someone misreads the label and calls it Virgin Ham.

Lol.

I blame my inner child.

Another customer quirk I love is when the customer takes a ticket, you serve them, then they put the used ticket on the counter... RIGHT BESIDE THE USED TICKET BOX!
No more than a 1cm away.

Cracks me up.

This next one was a one off but it freaking made me laugh. A woman wanted a Salad but she didnt know what it was called so she described it "The..uh...the pasta thing... the spiraly pasta"

Ok you know the spiral pasta? Yeh, we've got one of those cold pasta salads made of that...that and corn...and thats all thats in it.

So I went "Ok"
Fetched the container and filled it up with the salad.

"NO! Not that one!" She cried
In turn I sighed.
Tipping the pasta back.

She pointed again at something called a Thai Noodle. "I said I wanted this one!"
I shook my head.
This woman's insane.
Thats not pasta, Its hokkein!

Hokkein Noodles are those yellow long noodle things found in Asian dishes. I have no idea how the word "Spiral" and "Pasta" came into their description!

This one I find more irritating.. When people try to singal wait they want with their eyes. They glance at it and say "That".

Not very helpful.

Or they sometimes bend from the waist and tilt towards it.

What the fuck - are you a divining stick? Just read the label you lazy bum.

This last one happens often but Im gonna use todays experience as an example.

My co-worker (who we shall call David) was calling out numbers. A crowd had formed and now it had passed leaving only 2 customers left.

"Number 23?"

Nobody moved. The customers waited. Their eyes glued to David. Waiting for their number.

"Is there a number 23?" David repeated. "Number 23!!!"

Yet again, nobody moved. David looked at the man to the left and asked "What number are you sir?"

"Number 23"

LOL!! Sorry, it happens often. I have no idea why. It seems like they are listening but perhaps they are in a dream world. Or maybe they just think we are mind readers.

All work talk outta the way lets get down to business.

I had a lot of thinking time today. I wanted to ask my readers a question. Even if you dont have young childen just think about it hypothetically.

Would you let your child associate with a Gay/Lesbian or Transexual (Pre-Hormone or During Transition)

To be honest, my first instinct was to say No. I dont want my child to have any ...unusual influences.

Sounds really cruel doesnt it.

My reasoning though is that I dont want my child near negative energy. People in the LGBT community in general have... hazy pasts and carry a lot of negative experiences. I want to keep my kid away from that

Id hate for them to find out at such a young age that life is really really shit.

But on the other hand, having them aware of the issue and socialising with the person would be really benefical. Teaching them that we are all basically the same and as a result decreasing the amount of ignorance in the world.

But yeh - What would you do? What ARE you doing, if anything. Im really curious...

Ummm.... what else.. what else... Umm..

Im still depressed. About being a girl. Being this... thing...
Its like being the colour gray. God that must suck.

There is probably one thing I like about being a girl - manipulation.
Its a lot easier to do.

People respond differently to different genders.

Like today I was passing very well. The man who waited at the bus stop (for the bus that never came! Damn this city!) started talking to me and then offered to let me ride alone with him to the train station when his wife picked him up.

Now I know that if he saw me as a girl he wouldnt have done that.

For the record I definately knew he thought I was a boy. I gave him the name Alex and he referred to me as a "Young Lad" along with all the appropriate pronouns. Made me happy :)

On the more negative side of passing.. or.. well.. not passing clearly..

As we were waiting a drunk guy stumbled up. I glanced him then looked away.

"What?" He slurred. I checked to see who he was talking to. Unfortunately...me.

"What dyuu looking at?"

I ignored him.

"Poofter"

I kept ignoring him.

"You're a poof arent cha. I can see"

I looked back at him and shook my head. Disapprovingly.

"Yeh.. yeh. I know.. your a fucking poof"

ARGH GOD, Sorry I interrupt this blog to bitch. This void in my chest is growing and its just eating me.

Alcohol doesnt fix it. I know.
But it makes it easier to ignore.

I always wished I could be normal. I wished that one day I would wake up and love men and enjoy make up, skirts, pretty things and be like a normal girl.

If not that, just be able to live a life thats acceptable. Something that wasnt so painful as how I was living at the moment.

God, it doesnt work like that.
Its more normal if Im a boy.

Which is strange isnt it. If you look at it simply - "Im changing my physical gender to male" It looks so big and messy.

But its not like that at all for me.

Saying "Im changing to be a girl"

THAT seems extreme. Even when I was trying - I was still failing. I just looked like a gay guy.

God, why did you do this? He cant be real. I know it.
If there is a god, he wouldnt make me - the mistake.

Couldnt be more Aussie

A warm day. Lots of sun and a dry breeze.
Today I was a truckie.

Im in a place a long way from home. Most people have never heard of.
Out here, I fit in as a drop kick. Dirty hands. White singlet. Orange safety vest. Bacon and Egg McMuffin and a cold ice coffee.

Yeah, baby. I was a truckie.

I went to work with my brother. He is a Pink Lady.
All laughter aside, Ill address those who dont know what that is. Pink lady is a hygiene service. They travel to where ever someone has their product (Supermarket, Office, Pub, Restaurant, Public Park Toilet) and change the sanitry napkin bin, nappy bins, Sharps bin, soaps, air fresheners and so on.

He drives a smallish truck. A transit to be exact.

I helped him do his rounds today and I enjoyed it.

I know you are all probably thinking "how is touching THOSE bins fun? Thats just gross!"

Well, actually... it takes a lot to disgust me.
Especially smells. There are very few smells I cant handle.
Urine, fart, feces, 2 week old used tampons... yeh. Doesnt faze me. I couldnt care less.

Oh you know what i hate though? (Generally) Toilet Air fresheners you buy for your house. Dude, in my opinion a heap of a fat guys diarehhea would smell better. Seriously, I cant stand it.

ANYWAY!

So I found the job interesting. I mean, its toilet business! And I got a VIP access to see both worlds up close! Men and women!


For one - I mean, my brother being a ...man...he has problems with changing the female toilets and stuff. He has to knock, then annouce he is coming in and ask if anyone has an issue (which they usually do) and he has to then wait outside before going in to do his work.

And thats a bit of a hassle because there are about 7 girls on average in the toilets when he does the rounds.

...At 9:30am...

I mean, who has to piss that early? Or even take a dump for that matter. Isnt that a before work activity?

Sorry, Im getting sidetracked...so yeah...

Me being female I could do the female toilets without that stupid waiting. Which meant the job was done quicker.

And then I moved onto the mens. And men dont look at each other anyway so I really have no problem at all.

Now my most interesting fact for the day is about soap.

Now, soaps at your restrooms are changed every fortnight and the container inside the dispenser is about 500mL

In the female toilets, at the end of that fortnight, there is about one forth of that left in there. A very small amount really.

BUT IN THE MENS ROOM..

There was more than half still there. Probably about 2/3 still there on average. In some places, they didnt even need refilling.

IN TWO WEEKS, 1/3 OF THE SOAP IS USED!!!

My GOD is that gross or WHAT!


Um...after that I got left home alone which meant I got continue my drinking. After a couple of beers I went outside and chatted to the little kids across the road. It was apparent that Im not passing. Im getting too old. Lol.

The little girl (8 years old) said to me after I subtly refered to myself as male.

"You know... your kinda half girl and half a guy"

I wanted to get more out of what she meant. Like whether my voice was too high or it was my intonation but she couldnt put her finger on it.

The little boy though (12) just seemed to ignore any real gender thing. We talked martial arts, boxing, motorbikes, bikes, cars, weights and strength and so on..Then we did flips and wrestling moves on the trampoline. Man I havent been on one of those in about 9 years.

Yeah it kinda really set me back to when I was 12 and talking with my mates.

I was rather ...um.. not smashed but I was rather buzzed so I carried on a conversation with them like I would if I was their classmate (I usually have some uncomfortable barrier with kids.. but it seems beer takes that away).

yeh.. It kinda brought back memories. Scratched up some old wounds and what not. I felt the same kinda exhasperated feeling when talking to girls. It was like "I...I just dont have anything to say to you. You are from a different planet"

Yesterday at the trainstation I found a baby kitten. Its not more than 3 weeks old. Its kinda...ferral. I guess. A mungral of course.

But yeh, its kinda cute. Im not really a cat person. Im taking care of it. Feeding it. Flea bathing it and myself (damn fleas) and right now its asleep in my lap which means my tattered left hand gets a rest.

We dont know if its a boy or a girl so we cant find a name for it. I thought Marco would be alright. As in Marco Polo.

But also, Im probably gonna give it away so I really cant be bothered thinking up names and stuff for it.

Anyway, its because of this cat and the little kids next door that I felt a little... negatively nostalgic if that makes sense.

They called it "He-she" and "Girl-Boy" in conversation when the need for pronouns or direct gender referencing arose. And yeah, that made me feel really unhappy cause it reminded me of some of the names people called me.

On a brighter side, ive made endless pussy jokes.

And I thought while lacking a better name I should call the cat - Dog.

If Im gonna be a Lady Boy then damn it, why shouldnt my cat be a pussy pup?

PAIN - Opps I did it again.

No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.

Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.

In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.

Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...

To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)

So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.

So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.

And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!

Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.

So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.

Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).

So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)

So I felt better listening and talking to them.

And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.


Umm, something else...something else...

Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.

Ummm....

Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.

My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.

I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)

Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.

I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.

There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.

Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"

And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!

These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.

Id hate that!

For me.

In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.

So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.

~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)

~*~*~

But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.

Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.

But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.

Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.

If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.

Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.

Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.

When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"

~*~*~

TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"

With the English language, I take the same approach.

If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.

But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.

(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)

Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?

Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...

Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?

P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~

Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)

Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.

You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.

Cheers Waffles.

I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.

Aww yeah~

Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!

Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.

It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"

Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)

My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.

And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.

Its only human nature

Everyone was cranky today. Dont believe it!

Usually we get on average 1 bad customer a day. And what I mean by bad are the kind of people who are really cranky or rude to you and wanna make you feel bad.

Today... I personally.. had three or four.

Mcanonymous said to me once after I told her about one customer "Who are these people? Ive never spoken or seen anyone speak to employees like that"

Yep, this is another one of my reacting-badly-to-a-misunderstanding rant.

Example:

Today. 3pm

"Can I have a small coleslaw please?"

"Sure. Any other salads?"

"No thank you"

*I go to get the container*

"That was the coleslaw, was it?"

"Yes, but it doesnt look like there is enough to make a full container. Is there anyway you can just give me whats left and discount it?"

"No, Im sorry. Salads are done by container. Meaning you pay for the container. What we can do is fill it up with another salad as well"

"Well, I dont want another salad. Cant you just discount it?"

"No Im sorry we cant. Because you pay for the container, not by weight"

"Fine!"

*She was irritated with me at this point, pulled her trolley away and disappeared. I sighed*

"Number 47?"

"Yeah right here mate!"

"Hi how can I help you?"

"Hey, Umm.. I was just after 200 grams of the -"

"EXCUSE ME! I SAID I WANTING SOMETHING ELSE!"

*Everyone looks at the woman I previously served now standing down the other end of the deli in the fish section*

"Im sorry! *literally red faced* What else would you like?"

"Fish"

*She points at it. Refusing to look at me*

"There you go. Im sorry. Have good afternoon"

*Scoffs and rolls her eyes as she very quickly snatches the package outta my hand and charges off*

I felt pretty bad.
Its not like I deliberately ignored her.

Do customers really think thats what we do? That we are giving you the wrong product, mishearing something, miscalculating things on purpose? Just to fuck with your head and make your life difficult?

Luckily for me Number 47 was a guy with his wife and kids and they saw the whole thing and did their best to boost my ego and compliment me on my service.

This rant isnt just for when you are being served.. I mean, anytime really... if someone does something wrong stop and think for a freaking minute - are they really doing it deliberately?

I remember my ex-girlfriend got all shitty at me one day because I took a photo of her. Then, she took it upon herself to my the rest of my day hell until I made her feel better.

Apparently saying "Im sorry" doesnt fix anything these days.

But making the 'guilty' member feel embarrassed/bad or worse than you does?

What the fuck Jeeves, just what the fuck.

OTHER NEWS!

I had lunch with the security guard. He is freaking awesome. He's into weights, motorbikes, women, philosophy and breast appreciation - So we have a lot in common.

I was introduced to him as a guy and he was a little thrown by that and so for the entire lunch he was trying to get me to admit to him I was a girl. Not in an evil way. He just wanted me to clarify. He'd already heard my situation from my manager.

I wanted to toy with him so I didnt tell him anything until he was getting desperate and his face was starting to go red and contort like something was being rammed up his ass.

He was curious. Bless him.

We talked about our girlfriends and what not and it was nice to have a blokey bloke to talk to.

He also said to me "It was just a little weird though because you give off two kind of messages. Like I can see your a girl but I can also see your a guy and I dont know what to believe"

A lot of people feel this way, Im gathering. I really dont mind at all. I wouldnt wanna change myself to make it all fit "this way" or "that way".

It was an interesting comment to go back to work with. As I scrubbed Satay from the plastic dividers I thought about identity and understanding yourself.

Ive progressed a lot in the past year. Rather rapidly when you think about it. Whether that is good or not I dont know.

Im 100% certain I wouldnt change any of my decisions.

Im not happy in a girls body. Its too different to my self perception. This isnt something you can "Grow to accept"

My body is changing in ways I dont want it to.

The thing that all transexuals seem to say is "My body and mind didnt match"

For myself, I never found that true. I thought "well.. its all me...so I cant say it doesnt match"

But its true. It doesnt match. Its like my perception of how Id be when I was older - Its a delusion that I havent come to accpet.

***** never felt like my name. But I responded because thats what people called me.

I didnt like the feminine traits in my face and body but I accepted it because its what the mirror showed me.

But when I day dreamed or slept I was always male. I even remember dreams I had as a kid where I was male (One dream was that all high achieving students got to be granted a wish at the end of the year. Being one of those students I wished to be a boy and the dream was about my first day as a boy. I was 10 when I had that dream)

Anyway, now Im just blabbering...so Ill wrap it up.

At first this problem seemed really foggy and larger than life but now... its a lot smaller and everything seems straight forward (as much as it can be).

I think one day my mother should read this because I dont know any other way to make her understand.

Sometimes you dont realise something until the last minute.
But as they say its never too late.

KUNI:
I have no idea. I havent seen that before. But... I think...its something like Rhyming (Rhyme) Slang.

Like we say "See you later, alligator", "Im going to use the dog-and-bone (Telephone)
There is no meaning, just it rhymes.

Actually, what you said didnt rhyme... but it was cute. So maybe its just a cute thing. I dont know. I seriously dont know...


FATALIST: Wait, let me get this straight (no pun intended) ... you came out to your mates AT a football game?

If thats the case then...

ARE YOU SUICIDAL?! I couldnt think of a more intimidating atmosphere to be open. It would be like me standing at a urinal and saying to the man next to me "You know, Im actually a little girl"

You've got balls, mate. I hope your friends realised that.

I dont think its a show of courage you admit to the world apart of yourself. Its nothing like courage at all. Stupidity is probably a better word.

There are times when you should keep it to yourself. And I dont want anyone to get all uptight about gay rights or whatever because thats just annoying...

I mean, on my bad days Im a NAMBLA supporting Neo-Nazi... but I dont go to Jewish run daycares and tell them. Thats just asking for it.

No, you know what I think is admirable - People who can hold there tongues. People who can put up with crap. People who pick there fights and know when to say something and when to shut up.

YEH~

Right on~!

Something tells me Im right off the mark with this one.. but whatever...

WAFFLES, gimme a hollar baby... people might beniefit from your cynical comments and sacastic commentary

Day 9

Hello. Yesterday was a bad day. Just I was feeling really unhappy.

Then this "Good looking guy" came into my work and all the girls were whispering about how hot he was and were drooling over him.

Naturally I looked too.

And he was pretty damn normal. No Brad Pitt or whoever they think is hot these days. Darn kids

What really pissed me off though (this will sound strange) is that I saw no difference between that man and myself. When I looked at him, we were the same.

But if that were true, then wouldnt I get the same reaction?

This moment defined something for me as its not the first time its happened but it is the first time I can put it into more understandable words (Rather than: Fucking Bastard Ill kill him and shit down his throat ... ((Yes, Im very competitive))).

People dont see me as I see myself.
Im treated a way based upon my appearance.

Fair enough. Its not exactly a bad thing.
For me however, sometimes, its a reminder that Im living in a fantasy. And thats like having a cold shower.

So I told the manager I was getting sick and went home early.

The Gel is giving me an odd...rash? I dont know what to call it.

This is my left arm where I have been applying the gel mostly. Its hard to see but if you look in the middle of the arm you will notice something that looks like lack of pixels. Well, no. Thats actually this 'rash'.

Describing it in one word, Id say "Burnt".

The skin seems to be melted or something. Whatever. Its not painful though.



This is my leg. Sporting the scar/rash of the physio-tape. Its a darker colour than my arm.

Now for those of you connecting the dots I say -

Maybe.

I havent used physiotape to cover the gel since my second application and this rash has occured recently.

Delayed reaction?

Or something more sinister?

PROGRESS REPORT!!!
Yesterday I had spirts of horniess. Just suddenly BAM! I wanted to screw something then BAM! gone.

Today. Well, today Im in ...pain.
In Japanese you'd probably say いたいきもち
Itaikimochi.
A painful pleasurable feeling.

My crotch hurts. Like, aching. Like, busting to go to the bathroom but rather busting for attention.

I had to check to see if everything was alright down there (you may think otherwise but I really dont like doing this). It may be my imagination but... I dont remember being able to see 'it' so damn easily.

Crud Crud Crud.

SO yeh, I tried to sleep but the sensation kept me awake. I ended up trying to sleep on my hand as applying pressure makes the feeling go away.

Well, it worked. Till my hand starting hurt.

Then I resorted to complaining to my wife about it. To which she simply replied "I can fix that"

And she did. But now its back. Lol. So I have to find another way to get around my arousal problem.

Apart from that.. um... my voice is a little sensitive when changing pitches still. Im still irritable... but.. yeh the only thing Im putting down to the extra hormones is that arousal.

Life of Alex

I work at a Deli in a supermarktet. Im on my 2nd week and I really enjoy what I do. How rare is that.

The people I work with are generally in the early 20s. Mostly University students. My Manager is probably about in her mid 20s. We do have some older employeers (30 ish and 40 ish) but its only two.

Bottom line. Its a young group and generally everyone is nice to talk to, open minded and we have really amusing conversation that usually end in a perverted way (ah yes, youth!)

Most of the time my manager doesnt come to the deli. She is a behind the scenes manager. She swings by to deliver our schedules. But today she was hanging around a lot. I dont mind. I like her. She is really cool and I think we'd have a lot to talk about given the time.

I was also happy she was there because I needed to give her my mobile number to pass on to another employee.

She next to a co-worker of mine (a studying nurse. Awesome girl) when I approached her and asked her for an unrelated work favour. She looked at me really seriously and asked "Is it a personal issue?"

"Uhh...No..."

The co-worker kinda went "Oh. I should leave", then hurried away and I was just standing there going "wtf".

Anyway I gave her my mobile number and she hung around for a while doing this an that while I did this and that.

When I had a free moment she called me over.

"I wanna ask you a personal question. Feel free to tell me to back off or anything but I just want to know should we be refering to you as a boy? Ive noticed that people call you as a girl but you also get called 'mate' and thats a male word...so, I just want to know how you feel and what you want"

I thought she was really nice about it. I mean, she did all the appropriate confrontation things so I didnt feel awkward...and yeh...

I told her that Id probably prefer to be refered to in male pronous (he, him, his) and she said that was all cool and she'd talk to the big boss about it.

Apparently when the two big bosses of the store interviewed me they went and told my manager - "We're sending you this new girl to train in the deli but...she's very boyish"

My manager then went on to say that if there is anything I need or wanna talk about work related or personal I was welcome to talk to her. I then said I dont want to make any trouble with anyone here and when and if I decide to transition and take hormones or something then Id let her know way in advance so she'd have time to do whatever and for me to do whatever.

Some of my other co-workers already knew and well, found out anyway as I talked to my manager about gender reassignment surgery (She requested this! I was so surprised. She hung on my every word...even the really grotty ones like the 2 inch clit you might get)

Yeh she was fancinated and told me "I dont have any problems with you. Its your life and you are happy to be whoever you want. But if anyone gives you a hard time make sure you report that immediately"

We then wrapped up the convo and a customer got really shitty and stormed off because she wanted to be served and I needed only 1 literal second top thank my manager.

I apoligised to the customer but she hissed something at me and walked away only to return a few minutes later. I went to go serve her but she spat coldly "Dont even bother! Id rather wait!" (She said this then pointed at my co-worker)

Suit yourself lady. If you want to get worked up and waste time over a misunderstanding the go ahead.

Moral of this little story is that you should always be forgiving and that you should wait until you have heard everything before you complain or get emotional (angry, sad, etc). Because it might not be what it seems.

And if it wasnt what it seemed, then you wasted time being unhappy.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Sorry to preach but this can be applied in pretty much every relationship. To spouse, stranger, child or friend.

Eg. When your child hits the cat dont yell at them immediately.

Ask them "Why did you do that?"

Maybe the cat scratched them for reasons out of the childs control. Or maybe you suspect it was the doing of your child.

"Why did he attack you"

"I pulled his whiskers"

"Why?"

"I dont know"

"If you were a cat and someone pulled your hair, how would you feel?"

"Angry"

People need to empathise. I think this exercise is great in teaching the dos and donts to more aggressively inclined kids (like I was myself)

Anyway, Im sorry to rant and stuff like that. But I just needed to get it out of me.

I slept over at Waffles House last night. I went there straight from work then left straight for work the next morning. We stayed up until like 2 playing Mario Kart on his retro Nintendo 64 and drinking Vodka Cruisers. Then we went to bed (which doesnt mean sleep) and ended up talking till like 4am which was nice because we talked about a lot of this. Important and unimportant.

I punished him for keeping me up by making him get out of bed to say goodbye to me before work. And before I left I asked him a favour.

Waffles is a great debater.

A Master -

*Waits for laughter to stop*

Anyway he is good.I mean REALLY good..so I thought...who else could I agrue with appart from myself about my trans issues?

So I brought up issues about things that made me feel like a guy and so on and he tried to shoot them down. It went on and off for a bit and then he told me something of his opinion.

Ive always seemed like a guy to him.

He also reads my blogs and we chat almost everyday in some form or another and he said it surprises him a bit that I say/write about how I cry or get really upset about these problems. Because when he sees me, he seems me embracing everything and just riding it and not caring.

Interesting for me to hear that.

Anyway. I have to eat some sundried tomatoes (no reason other than I want to) and then Im gonna watch an Anime that Waffles gave me.

Goodnight and have a good day