Or is it go?
Today I woke up with an inspiration!
Today I wanted to pee.
AT A URINAL!
So, I grabbed my device after school and headed up for the mall (for dinner with Waffles and McAnonymous). Then with the supervised aid of the Waffleman... I presented myself at the urinal.
...and then I got stage fright.
Its harder than I thought to pee while my best bud is watching...
Also to add to the problems I wasnt wearing Y fronts so I had to pull down the front of the underwear and do it that way... which was hard. Stupid lycra sports trunks (they are the only pear I had left!)
The final result was...well.. I asked Waffles to wait outside which he did. And then after much waiting and whistling a few drops leaked out to signify the beginning of a petty trickle.
All I can say is I wanna apologise to the cleaner.
Im sorry - I missed.
It was I who dirtied the floor and Im sorry!
Yeh the stress of peeing and the tightness of the pants meant that the flow didnt come out very well. It only just managed to get into the trough...and the majority hit the ground just infront of my feet (shoes were safe though!)
When I came home from Waffles house I talked to mum about changing my name. If she could sign the papers for me so I didnt have to wait until I was 18. She finally agreed. With little enthusiasm.
When the car stopped I asked her "What are you going to do when I transition?"
And we talked about that.
Her objections were its too early. Im too young. I might change my mind later.
If someone had told her she was transgendered at my age - she would have believed it too.
She also said she feels bad that I have to have such a difficult life.
It would just be easier if I were gay.
She worries about the kind of attention Id attract. She fears that I might be raped (Like Brandon Teena) or bashed because guys would think Im a fag.
Also a friend of the family's sister is gay and didnt like her female body growing up either and it wasnt until she was 20 that she accepted it.
And she also threw it "you know your never going to have a penis" and I just found that really ...condescending.
I mean, come on!
What you think I tripped over a dictionary, landed on the word 'transgender' and said "Oh well, this must be me" And then carried on?
What the fuck, no!
This has been about 1 years solid research! and about another 4 months off and on.
Argh, the problem with talking to my mum is that she is a really influencial person and can really shake my belief.
Id like to be an average teenager and say I find her influencial in my opinions not for any other reason other than she has known me the longest.
So she is most likely to know my behavior best.
So yeh, these talks instill doubt.
I dont know what Im suppose to do
God help me.
Im tired of this.
<
Im going to bed. Gotta see the shrink tomorrow.
I hate how all this crap has to be sorted in several split up 30 minute sessions.
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