When someone pops your ego
Sits on your parade
Takes the wind from your sails
Feels pretty weird, huh.
Like being punched in your very core.
It can only take a split second - The wrong word, a flash back, a song on the radio
And pow! your day just goes down down and down...
Yesterday I found out I owe the Shrink $200 for missing the appointment and it will cost $130 to change my name. Wow, bothersome. And very important things to..
But I was pretty fine. There are ways to get through this.
But now, after one stupid phonecall I just feel like I cant hold myself up anymore. I wanna get this out on paper so then maybe... just fucking maybe I can get a decent nights sleep without this issue waking me up from yet another nightmare.
That stupid person is in my dream. Just doing stupid dream person stuff. I dont know. Nothing particularly annoying but I just hate them! Go away! Leave me alone! I wish I could find peace! I know I cant change my memory. I met you - I cant change it. I want closure now!
The fact is Im angry with you. Your stupid hetrosexual life. You make me fucking sick! Dont say "I love you", I dont wanna hear it. You asshole. You just wanna make me angry. Why tell me something like that when you already have "Someone special" and even if you didnt you wouldnt want me that way anyway! Its just annoying! It fucking hurt me! Thats something cruel to do to a kid growing up.
Narrow minded asshole.
Your just the kind I hate.
Pretend to be different but no, your not. Your just like the majority.
You are the kind of people I have to face and put up with and protect myself against everyday.
And so is your "someone special"
You were like the closest person! And I feel like you've betrayed me!
Get out of my dreams! I dont wanna see your face anymore!
And then... if its not that prick...
I dream about hanging myself. Or falling to my death.
Its like the more positive and anti-suicidal I am when Im awake.. the more my subconcious wants to kill me in my sleep.
God I pray for strength.
I need motivation for a decision.
I take a risk. I spend some cash. I transition and maybe I find happiness there.
Or I withdraw all my money. Divide it by two and put in separate envelopes.
One marked simply with "Mother" and the other with "Okada"
And then go put an end to the game.
As Waffles would look at it, waying up pros and cons in a logical way along with energy involved and overall benefit - Option 2 is a goer.
Ah, but if only it was that easy.
Maybe suicide is for those who need it
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Ever seen such a thing as a poor shrink? Do you really think they're gonna help with clearing your head? No way! Not ad $200 a time! It's in their interests to keep you confused!
I think you'd be better off chatting to any transgender support groups there are, even if you don't like the people there initially, you'll find someone who eventually says something & you'll go: "Yeah! That's EXACTLY how I feel!". And they must have phone lines too. No way is even a long pohne call going to cost you two hundred dollars!
But do what you have to do, as long as it helps. And that includes blogging!
Post a Comment