Day 4

My mother is depressed. Very depressed apparently. She spent the day crying which to be honest is nt uncommon for her to do. She told me today that she was depressed because of me. Because she was worried about me. Worried that I'd make decisions Im 'not yet mature enough to make'.
She also "Doesnt want me to be a freak" and then refered to Micheal Jackson.

Which made me laugh. Because he and I do have something in common. Unfortunately.

Now it may sound like Im patronising or not liking my mothers concern. Well, that last part is right. Sort of.

The one thing about my mother is. . well.. she isnt very smart. She has all the right stuff, all the good intentions and morals and all those other words that look nice on resumes but yeh.. she doesnt quite use them. In a shorter way of complaing - She doesnt really have calm logic.

I think a lot of her stress and my...my uh...umm...err.... Yeh, I feel rather indifferent about my mother. Im going to hell now, arent I. Anyway, I think a lot of trauma could be done away with if the situation was approached calmly, lightly, and in an accepting manner.

I mean if you out right say "No, your crazy. You shouldnt play with nature, you're gonna fuck your life up"

Then no one is going to want to listen to you.

Ummmm... Yeh...Whatelse is news...

Oh thats right, I was fucking sodomised by HAPPY CALLING

(international calling company)They ripped me off something bad. I mean, pretty much they stole $9 dollars from me. And didnt refund anything at all (I asked for full refund but they said they could only refund a part of it). Then when I found my account to still be empty, I called and complained again to which they told me they had no record of my phone call to them, no record of the complaint and that everything was all in my head.

The records were fucking wiped! What the hell! Just what the hell!!

Yeh. Not happy. So I said Im going to complain to someone higher up. And damn it I will, Im pretty shit pissed off. As a result I couldnt call my girlfriend to see how she is doing and if I cant get a new card tomorrow then I wont be able to wish her a merry christmas either :(

God I hate christmas.

I think I hate myself more than I hate christmas though. Damn me.

oh yeh! Progress! Ummm.. well... today nothing really. I do find that Im wanting to beat things up but if I rationalise it all... thats pretty normal for me. Im an aggressive sadist deep down.

If I didnt say this before Ill admit it now - The first time I applied the testogel I started to freak out (I mean I freaked out when I realised I put it on which was like 3 or 4 hours after I did). I panicked for a moment. I was making a step forward towards changing my body. Changing myself. Thats a massively important thing and there I was barely aware that Id even applied it!

Then I chilled myself out.

Its not gonna work over night.
Its not even gonna work noticably until after maybe a month or so.
Its going to be a slow gradual change and Im ok to stop at anytime for any reason

Then I thought, what the fuck. Whats there not to like about going down this path? Why would I wanna stop? :P

Oh yeh.. the cost.
I wonder how far my insurance will cover.. I should find out.

I should also find out about medicare. I have no idea what they do really.

Ah, isnt it good to be young and naive!

What else is new.. umm... The girl I work with is a Nurse in training so I asked her to tell me all she new about self injecting and needles and crap. That was fun. Still feel a little in the dark though :P I wonder if Youtube has any tutorials, hahaha.

I had dinner at a small Japanese restaurant. Ordered Sushi, Rice (with Kuppi Mayo and Soy Sauce!) and a Hahn Light beer.

GASP!

WHATS THAT YOU SAY!?

UNDERAGE?!

Why! yes I am!

How the hell did I get away with it!?

I have no idea!!!!!

But yeh, I enjoyed my beer (Its my number one favourite alcoholic drink. And I only drink Hahn, Toohey's ((how the fuck do you spell it?!)) and Corona on rare occasions. Everything else tastes like ass)

I also made a friend with the only REAL Japanese person working there (the rest were chinese). She collected my plate and commented how unusual it was to make a special request for Mayonaise and rice (its a very Japanese thing to do). And yeh, we got talking.

aahhhhhhhhhh tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Im working.. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Its going to be hell ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

But I look forward to it in a way.

Im rather sleep deprived so Im gonna sleep now. Gnight