Valley of Tears NAKIMUSHI

Life is like a mountain range. Your highs and lows. Plateaus and steep inclines and declines.

And at this moment, Im feeling like Im on a decline.

My youngest brother and I havent talked about this "I wanna be a boy" business. He just kinda brushed it off.

The other day when I asked to borrow his drill and refused to tell him why (it was for my STP device) he called me an attention seeker.

It kinda hurt. I really admire him. He's my idol in life and whatever he says I believed.

It made me wonder if I am doing some of this for attention? I like to think Im not. My basis for that is that if it was for attention I would have volunteered the information.

I would have told him what it was for.
I would have told my mum I bought a binder.
I would have told her I went to formal in a tux.

But I didnt. Because I dont want them to know.

(btw, the people who do know about certain events or happenings are usually people I dont care for or people I trust)

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway. So why am I upset. Well.. My second brother called. And I asked him if he'd heard anything from the youngest in regards to that. Apparently no.

But he did give me some good words of advice and such.

He told me basically that they can never understand how I feel, what is happening to me and such. Even if they say 'I accept it', its very different from understanding.

He is over this 'I wanna be a boy' shit. He doesnt care what I am. He's more interested in my life and who I REALLY AM as a person.

And yeh he just said some really insightful stuff and it made me cry.

I wish I could have my family like it was when I was younger. But in a way, we all do, dont we.

I wish I could be happy with what I see in the mirror but Im tired and sad of seeing this girl looking back at me. Small, stupid and scared.

From this moment, my life seems so long. But Im so tired. I dont feel like living it.

If my life is going to be more of this aching, more of this sense of failure, more of this confusion then I definately dont feel like living it.

Ive lost a lot. Disapointed so many people. Disgraced my family and most of all myself. I think some of the people who give me crap or remind me about this on a regular basis should get a slap. You think I dont know what I did? You think I dont regret it? You think Im living proudly knowing I hurt everything important to me in a little under 3 weeks?!

My girfriend, my family, my friends my education, my future...my damn bank balance!

...

If I knew what was going to happen I probably would have fucking kicked the chair out and hung myself.

Argh.

Im sorry.

Im just really tired. Of a lot of things. As you can see.

I hope tomorrow is a lot brighter.