Mother and Son

My mother came into my room the other day and sat on my bed. I was having a bad day. Just a general depression and I had stayed in my room all day.

"What can I do for you?" She said

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She then proceeded to talk about seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist and asking me which one I'd like to talk to (she gave me names).

It seems she has been seeing a doctor and talking to a few people (one of them my Auntie, she is a psychiatrist) about this problem and what do with me.

I told her what my brother and father said. About how I should go to talk to someone who has experience in this situation (like a psychiatrist) who can then give me advice on how I can deal with situations that I may encounter (eg, depression, social rejection and discrimination etc..) and that my family could join me or go by themselves so they could also learn how to cope.

My mother said "Your brother means well but its not a good idea"

I cant help but feel she reallllllly wants me to grow out of this.

She then brought up again the "No one will love you" Arguement.

"No one will love you. Homosexual women want relationships with women. Hetrosexual women want relationships with men. You can satisfy any of them really can you? You'll be hurt"

I just said "I think thats not true. There are lots of people in the world and they fall in love with who ever they want".

I didnt want to use my girlfriend as an example (My mother doesnt really know I have a girlfriend). But yeah, she is a good example. She is hetrosexual. Good girl. Gets good grades. Loves her family. Is christian as far as I know. But hey, she fell in love with me! She loves me as a BOYFRIEND. My body isnt a problem for her.

And I know that there are other girls out there who think the same!

After that she told me about how from the ages of 13 - 17 she wished she was a boy and would dress like a boy and go fishing.

For a moment there I was like "Oh god, am I like her?! is it a faze?"

I dont know. I'll never be sure until Im older. But at the moment my thoughts are this -

I want a penis. That would be so cool.
I want a moustache. That would be so cool.
I want broad shoulders and muscles. That would be awesome.
I want a deeper voice. The one I have now is very deep but... its still high and it cracks sometimes :P

Ive always thought like this. But it was only last year or the year before when I heard about and researched a little about transexuals. And what made me think then "I couldnt do that" is that I want ALL or NOTHING.

Its either, Im a boy or a girl. I dont want to be bi-gender or gender neutral or whatever... Im tired of the "What are you?" question.

Ive decided I want to be seen as a boy. But...what does this mean? Its a little confusing. Isnt it. I just wanted to write it down, say it or whatever...

Anyway, yeah so Thursday (tomorrow!) I go to see the local GP who specialises in psychiatry. Ill talk to him about life and what not for 30 minutes.

If you want to comment on something - PLEASE DO!
I would love to hear your thoughts.

The friend that accepted my decision for this lifestyle kinda went back on that and we had another arguement. I didnt agree with a lot of what she said. But I do agree that I care too much about what people think and say about me.

She was saying that my decision is based on making others happy and not myself. I dont know if I agree.

To a certain extent, it is true.