Last night I had a dream. Id found this surgeon.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.
The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.
I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.
Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.
I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.
Odd dream, isnt it.
He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.
However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.
On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.
I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.
When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.
I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.
I dont want it there.
Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!
Thats not my problem!
ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.
I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.
I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.
Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.
Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.
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2 comments:
Oi! It's not Monday yet...it's only ten to ten. Over two hours to go! ;-)
Right! I've read your post now. Just a weird as I expect from you Alex! But the good thing is it comes across as a sort of positive, happy weird; rather than a depressing I wanna slash myself weird!
I€ think part of it you're taking such a bit step in your life, one you MUST take, but it's still fucking scary. So that's why your head is toying with you as you sleep.
Funny thing tits though. I don't fancy women, or find them attractive. (Unless they turn into a boy cinderella & blossom into a gorgeous young man like yourself!)
And I've never really got off on the transvestite/drag thing, though nothing wrong with blokes who do. But the one thing I really do regret/hate/whatever about being gay is not being able to enjoy fondling a nice pair of tits! I think one of my fantasies would be to sleep with a big boobed pre-op male to female transexual, but one with short 'blokey' hair! Why? I don't know, to be honest.
Not having a 'normal' teenage life, as in all my mates talked about girls, and they went on dates, geting off on having a fondle, maybe i wanted to see what that was like. And, of ocurse, from an early age as kids, we're supposed to be fascinated by the Page 3 pin ups in 'The Sun' every day.
I don't think that makes me bisexual, or anything like that. just 'tittie curious!'
I've only ever slept with one woman in my life, I hope no-one who knows me reads this, I've NEVER, EVER told anyone that! It was a few years ago, but in sobriety. She was lonely, & it was just sex. She knew I was gay, but. you know, part of me wanted to know what it was like to sleep with a woman, even if i wasn't interested in them sexually. And I really wanted to play with her tits too! Though, they weren't that bouncy, so to speak! Funnily enough the actual act where I fucked her by penetration I didn't really enjoy, but I did enjoy pleasuring her with both my fingers and tongue. Strange!
I think I'd better stop there, as I don't know where this is going...TOOOOO much information!
I really can't believe I've shared that, I've never, ever done that on my own blog, and don't plan to either!
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