Med-Free Hell

[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]

Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.

Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.

Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)

Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.

It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.

Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.

Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.

Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.

Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.

The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.

There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.

And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.

Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.

Positive note - Sex drive has returned

Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.

Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)

Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.

Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices

Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.

Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.

I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.

This is Alex signing out now

[Tape ends]


Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.

God, I just wanna stab my shrink

P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job