I talk like I have a dick.
When Im horny, Im hard.
When I wanna piss, I take a slash or I bleed the lizard.
I remember my first girlfriend saying to me "Id enjoy sleeping with you if I could feel something in your pants"
God that hurt me.
It was just like that. A lot. I did whatever I could to fight it.
Its not true that girls can do anything guys can.
I said it before. I felt like I had the wrong equiptment for the game.
And even though I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy. It doesnt bother me (90% of the time) that I dont have a dick. I mean, unless Im having sex.. then Im sometimes so bummed I just dont wanna do it but thats off topic.....
My problem is everyone else.
Asuka ignores my chest. It probably gets as much stimulation in sex as my belly and out of sex its just out right ignored.
Danny likes them. She admires them and wants to fondle them.
Both these girls and their attitude though.. depresses me.
No surgery can give me what Im missing. Im aware of that. This is an issue that I have to deal with. Possible a trust issue or a self esteem issue. A mix of both
No one can love me and I dont trust my lover?
Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because I need to get it out of my head
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Shock Horror
Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Shameful
Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The cure
There is a fruit fly theyve been doing tests on. When they poke this part of its brain they can change it from gay to straight. They said its much like a switch.
This is the stepping stone in finding out what makes gay humans tick.
Now lets say they find the same switch in our brain. Would you take it?
Waffles says no.
I say yes.
What do you say?
This is the stepping stone in finding out what makes gay humans tick.
Now lets say they find the same switch in our brain. Would you take it?
Waffles says no.
I say yes.
What do you say?
Monday, May 12, 2008
Nightmares
Argh, I keep having the same dreams.
1 - having chest surgery
2 - my teeth are crumbling or falling out somehow
its freaking me out!!
other news.. umm...
my mum is asking about my friend (whether or not she is gay) and I find it odd that it matters.
She sleeps with me. So? Thats all you need to know!
People ask me "is your girlfriend... like what?"
and I say she's straight which trips them out. Like its that hard to believe.
If you think she's gay why did you ask?
Just because a person does something once doesnt make them gay. Doesnt make 'em straight. Pretty much you are what you say you are. Unless you are in denial.. then your opinion doesnt count :P
I get very edgy on this subject especially when it comes to my girlfriend or another friend of mine I met in Japan. People were so quickly to label her as a lesbian because she claimed to have a crush on another girl.
And the thing that irritates me about the issue with my gf is that she doesnt even see me as a girl. She determines this as a hetrosexual relationship. Im male - no doubt.
(oh and so does jailbait)
So neither of them are gay.
As an extention of the issue Im also offended because by calling our relationship a gay one you are saying that Im not male and that just pisses me off.
And if you say that Im not because of the fact Im missing a penis well then your gonna have to answer to a lot of angry amputees.
I took a piss in the urinals afterschool. I wanted some more practice (Ive had some accidents recently). While I was going another guy came in and was peeing next to me.. I totally FREAKED out. But he didnt really give me a second glance so I mustnt have seemed too uncomfortable.
Apart from that Im depressed and lonely and wonder really why I want a quick death so much
1 - having chest surgery
2 - my teeth are crumbling or falling out somehow
its freaking me out!!
other news.. umm...
my mum is asking about my friend (whether or not she is gay) and I find it odd that it matters.
She sleeps with me. So? Thats all you need to know!
People ask me "is your girlfriend... like what?"
and I say she's straight which trips them out. Like its that hard to believe.
If you think she's gay why did you ask?
Just because a person does something once doesnt make them gay. Doesnt make 'em straight. Pretty much you are what you say you are. Unless you are in denial.. then your opinion doesnt count :P
I get very edgy on this subject especially when it comes to my girlfriend or another friend of mine I met in Japan. People were so quickly to label her as a lesbian because she claimed to have a crush on another girl.
And the thing that irritates me about the issue with my gf is that she doesnt even see me as a girl. She determines this as a hetrosexual relationship. Im male - no doubt.
(oh and so does jailbait)
So neither of them are gay.
As an extention of the issue Im also offended because by calling our relationship a gay one you are saying that Im not male and that just pisses me off.
And if you say that Im not because of the fact Im missing a penis well then your gonna have to answer to a lot of angry amputees.
I took a piss in the urinals afterschool. I wanted some more practice (Ive had some accidents recently). While I was going another guy came in and was peeing next to me.. I totally FREAKED out. But he didnt really give me a second glance so I mustnt have seemed too uncomfortable.
Apart from that Im depressed and lonely and wonder really why I want a quick death so much
Thursday, May 8, 2008
MORE PAIN
My jail bait bit me! I put my finger on her mouth and she bit it really darn hard. Its been about 4 hours and I can still see the teeth mark.
Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?
Well, it is me we're talking about...
Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?
It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.
Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.
Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)
Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.
In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.
Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!
Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.
Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?
Well, it is me we're talking about...
Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?
It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.
Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.
Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)
Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.
In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.
Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!
Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Positive thinking
Yes, positive thinking is the key.
I didnt meet the TG guys. It was raining and I didnt feel like making the two hour trip on the bus to sit in a bar.
Ive seemed to grown a liking to this girl who is 15. Jail bait, anyone?
She sees me as her older brother and I see her as my young sister. Its kind of sweet and its keeping me busy worrying about someone else.
Shes an artist and I find it amazing when Im able to see her work. Its abstract. Very interesting.
For a fifteen year old she has a very interesting view on life. However it takes a long time to get anything out of her.
Apart from being facinated by this child Ive been doing nothing else. Oh, homework I guess.
Im watching Boston Legal
I didnt meet the TG guys. It was raining and I didnt feel like making the two hour trip on the bus to sit in a bar.
Ive seemed to grown a liking to this girl who is 15. Jail bait, anyone?
She sees me as her older brother and I see her as my young sister. Its kind of sweet and its keeping me busy worrying about someone else.
Shes an artist and I find it amazing when Im able to see her work. Its abstract. Very interesting.
For a fifteen year old she has a very interesting view on life. However it takes a long time to get anything out of her.
Apart from being facinated by this child Ive been doing nothing else. Oh, homework I guess.
Im watching Boston Legal
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Final Days
I here voices every now and again. Not so bothersome.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
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