I dreamt a dream

Last night I had a dream. Id found this surgeon.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.

The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.

I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.

Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.

I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.

Odd dream, isnt it.

He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.

However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.

On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.

I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.

When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.

I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.

I dont want it there.

Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!

Thats not my problem!

ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.

I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.

I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.

Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.

Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.

Pain - No it's not chemical related!

So I got bored...
As the usually begins followed by
... and I found a pair of scissors
Then before you know it someone somewhere is either a)missing hair b)missing flesh c)All of the above

In the shower with the scissors (If only Miss Scarlet was there. She was a fox!)
cutting away at my hair in the southern regions (I swear out of all the places why did my Italian Genes have to show up there!!) when suddenly ... SNIP... There was a yelp a great deal or slipping and wet mayhem.

Yeh. I dont know exactly WHERE I cut myself - the entire area just hurt.

Then I did it again.
No, not because I enjoyed it but because.. well.. yeh Im an idiot.

I also realised that the roots of my ..hair.. yeh...is blonde.. so I decided to dye it bright blue. Didnt work. What a shame. That would have looked really cool \( ^-^)V

Today was a rather awesome day actually. I got a letter today!!
My name has offically changed to Alexander William!
Now I gotta parade the piece of paper around and change it on all my forms.

Today I went to the bank to check my transactions when I handed over my card the lady just stared at me.
"This yours?"
"Yep"
"You're E****?"
"Unfortunately..."
"YOU are MISS E***** Fry?"
"Yes"
"Alright then..."

Yeh...Mmmm...It use to happen at my school too. Id give my library card to the front desk and theyd say "Oh sorry sweetie you've got your sister's card"

Other good news includes -
I get to see my fabulous GP. In a lot of reports it seems thats Trans people tend to like their GP more.

Ummm... Oh! Both my Dad AND MY MUM! are calling me Alex! Amazing..

Also I got an email from another Transman and his partner (also a tranguy). They are coming to the city for lunch and Im invited. So yeh.. Im gonna meet my first full on FTM. Kiiiinda cool ^-^

Night on Mars

I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)

It was odd. Cool. Different.

I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.

Lets just do an overview of the night.

10pm Arrived.

Bought drinks

Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman

Got drunk

Stumbled around

Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)

Danced

Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)

Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!

A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.

Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)

Watch a show of drag queens.

Left about 3am

Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.

Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)

Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)

Rather nice. Rather eventful.

Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.

Bitch.

Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.

My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!

I dont know.

Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!

*sigh*

Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion

What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.

I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.

Or is he...

Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.

Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!

Google has all the answers!

24 Hours later

Yeh, Foilwoman is right mate. SSRI's are antidepressants. Ive probably been on them for..I dunno... Since the start of the year if not a little longer?

The reason I went off...
Hard to pin point...
I think one thing was disappointing my girlfriend. When I can get any reaction from myself while making love to her or anything makes me feel..really bad. And it's really bad for her too.

Oh and you know what's funny? I still wanted to kill myself.
The difference is there was no "heart wrenching" feeling. You know that chest squeezing feeling when you lose somene you love? Yeh, its like that but blacker and tastes like loathing.

That seems to act like a motivation to get the rope out from the shed.

Where as on the medication I would still be planning and have the "I should jump onto the train tracks". But you dont know why.

I also continued to cut myself from time to time. I dont know why.
Oh.
Yeh.
My chest keeps growing and I wanted it gone.
Perhaps I was drunk but yeh I dont really remember much of the night and Ive got these cuts over my chest

No, my doctor doesnt know about me dropping the meds.
Bless him

Oh and minor hallucinations have set in. They are so minor though I dont even know if I could call them hallucinations but going under the definition of 'seeing something that is not real and induced by the mind', Im saying they are.

Just things move and look like something else when they're not.

Today I felt pretty good. Nothing wrong. Voices are quiet. Ive been thinking though.. I dont want Abraxas to come back so Im inclined to go back on the meds.

Wow, Im scared of myself! hahahaha

Oh and I cut Waffle's hair :)

Med-Free Hell

[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]

Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.

Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.

Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)

Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.

It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.

Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.

Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.

Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.

Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.

The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.

There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.

And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.

Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.

Positive note - Sex drive has returned

Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.

Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)

Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.

Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices

Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.

Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.

I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.

This is Alex signing out now

[Tape ends]


Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.

God, I just wanna stab my shrink

P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job

Cheer up Emo Kid

I fell alseep on the bus today. Again.
In true hobo style!
I woke to the bus driving saying "Kid, end of the line"
And that it was.
It also was nowhere near my house!
My stunned face gave that away so the bus driver said "Come up front, I'll drive you home. Ive finished my round anyway"

How damn nice is that?!

He dropped me to my door (which is definately not on any bus route)
So I thanked him and shook his hand and went inside.

Remarkable.
Not just his kindness to me.
Not just the kidness to another passenger he helped before I fell alseep
Not just the fact that he had a smile the entire time
But because of the rarity of such kindness

To me and Im sure to you it seems common sense but it doesnt happen that often. When a stranger acts like a friend.
Holding an elevator
Helping you to your destination
Seeing if you're alright
A smile or simple hello if you pass in the street
Offering to hold something if your phone rings or you're fumbling for your wallet

I just feel we've become isolated from each other. Too money focused.
Why are we so scared of each other?
Why does it only matter when you know that person?
You know that there is only 2 degrees of separation.. (especially in Adelaide)..
So what's stopping you from helping someone?
What's stopping us from sharing a smile?

Enough of me - here are some things that made me laugh.(Hijacked from different sites)

10 REASONS WHY GAYS SHOULDNT MARRY

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Also apparently those homosexual animals have picked up some unnatural behavior.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.


CHURCH BULLETIN MISTAKES


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”


Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.


The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.


Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends


Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early


Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor


Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar


The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in


Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so


The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice


The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience


The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy


During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.


The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir


Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance


The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"


A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."


Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."


Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice


The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her


Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity


The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children (<- My personal favourite)


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church


The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning


The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession


Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door


Ushers will eat latecomers


The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment


Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir


Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary


8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones


Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child



Ahhh, I hope you enjoyed that because I sure as hell did.
Cheer up Emo Kid

P0vv3R t0 d@ El33t!!

@73><

Foreingers say the darndest things...

Oh god, Sorry I just remembered something Asuka said. Fucking hilarious!

We went shopping at Woolworths with Asuka. Now Woolies has black baskets and red baskets. Just remember taht.

So Asuka was running around the shop with her arms full and I told her to stop and grab a basket.

But her hands were full.

"Ill get it for you then"

Ah what a nice boyfriend I am!

"Ill get a red one because they go faster"

The face I got!
The face of complete shock...and belief. "Really?" She asked

"Yes, of course. The red baskets are faster!"

Ahhh... then a few isles later she noticed I was kidding. I think it was me pissing myself laughing that gave it away.

But it still doesnt beat the time we were about to leave to go out shopping.
"Quick we gotta take a bath!"
"Bath?"
"Yeh we'll take a bath"
"But we are going out?"
"Yeh I know"
"OH!! You mean BUS!!"


HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH ... sorry...sorry... its the tequilla making the stories more amusing. Have a few shots see what it does for you