Feeling Shaky

I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.

Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.


Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.

Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.

Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.

Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.

... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.

when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.

Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.

Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.

I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?

I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.

My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.

Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.

It was a country of gray.

But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.

I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.



So yeh, I cracked.

I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.

I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.

My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.

Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.


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Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.

If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?

Repression

To save me re-writing a lot Ill just show you what I sent to the OZGUYS ftm forum.

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Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.

- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery

My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.

Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.

Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.

My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.

The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.

But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?

I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."

Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.

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Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.

Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.

Although it is tempting.

I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.

Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.


Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?

Ebay Mania

Im getting hooked.

Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)

I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.

Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!

Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.

In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.

Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.

What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.

Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.

In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.

Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!

Dreams

I keep having these weird dreams every few months or so that I get chest surgery. I think i mentioned that before. But in all these dreams, its only on one side.

And it doesnt seem to bother me :P

I wonder why its only one side though. I think its usually the right side that I fix.

Almost 10 months on T

Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.

Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.

Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.

Remarkable!

Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.

Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.

Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"

Well!...
Im just elated!

So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.

My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.

No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)

The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^

The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!

HAHAHAHA

Who am I kidding.

Work

Ive logged on with Jobsearch which is the new name for the doll. But Ive violated my conditions. Apparently I had to be there everyday but to my understanding I thought I just had to do my hours over 2 weeks.

My fault for being so sleepy when I went to the first induction.

Jobs are far and few between. Ive applied to everything Id like, a few things that I dont like and mostly jobs Im qualified for.

Its been 3 weeks of daily searching.. which has resulted in two offers.
Illusive Cube.
Which I thought sounded really good but I googled it and people were saying its a scam.

and....

porn...

Ive got 2 dollars in my bank account and I dont have a valid bus ticket so that last option is starting to look really good.

So far...

Last night I went to Maslins with Clay at about midnight until 3am ish. That was interesting. The stars were amazing. The sex was good too.

However in the dark he made a ...misfire? and rammed himself up my ass unlubed (apart from my own, if that counts). The pain, oh god, the pain. Its like getting ice cold water poured on your naked skin. But instead of ice cold water.. its ice cold needles.

My body locked up as I let out this yell. He quickly withdrew (which isnt as relieving as youd think)

Its very conflicting because I can feel that Ive got a really hard erection when something is embedded in my ass.

I dont see why women detest ball sacks so much...I think they are cool and they feel nice.

If any of my friends read this btw,
If you speak to me about my girlfriend, you will face my wrath.

It seems just good manners if you hear bad news about someone and they havent told you personally yet, then they arent ready to talk about it or dont want to discuss it.

GOD my ass hurts...

My depressions now going for 10 or 11 days now? Im not sure.. Im so bad at counting days but its been over a week. And all this going out and talking to friends doesnt help. However if I stay home I get really annoyed.

Oh, I guess I should talk about my transition.

WElllllp,

Im never going to be a girl. And Im happy like that. Im happy with how my body is (despite the breasts, still want them gone).

A lot of this have moved around in my head and I guess I cant really type them all out because they are 'ways of looking at things' and despite all the people trying to, you can write out a view point.

I believe so anyway.

In regards to the psychothe-rape-me, Id like to quote GIRL INTERRUPTED .. (again)..

"you lie down, confess your secrets and you are saved! Ka-ching!"

I went to my last session and coughed up a few big dark secrets and he seemed really happy. He doesnt really give much of..advice.. or anything. He just sits and listens.. which is possibly what annoys me. Because I was under the assumption that Id be challenged or given some sort of homework or advice. You know, food for thought.

But Im left rather hungry and having to find my own conclusions.

Which is what I was doing anyway...
so just sign my surgery forms and let me be.

Another note that pops up in my mind is, what happens to the people who dont question themselves or try and find their own answers (Which surprisingly in this day and age, there are a LOT of!)? Do they just pay their money and move on without another thought to the fact that they payed some guy to sit and listen to them?

If you haven't noticed Im still bitter about not having top-surgery.
I think Im going to print off some legal papers showing that he doesnt have a reason to hold me in limbo and the surgeon Id like to have to do my surgery along with reasons why...