Thanks for the kind words guys.
Dr Lyons went on in our last session that the only reason he only put me on the clinic because it'd be safer that letting me manage my own testosterone.
Which is a little against what he said the other time when surgery 'would have been in November [08]' .. or 09 .. i forget now.. anyway!
yeah so there seems to be these different dates and opinions coming out of the same mouth. Its... rather confusing.
My blood results came back and I have a Mid level for T and a high level (for a dude) of estrogen.
..but nothing seems to be being done about that.
When I got my injection it hurt in a different way. It felt ok to go in (which was the weird part) but this time it didnt burn down my leg, it hurt up my spine ish area. And I said "Ah, thats hurting"
and Rosie said "what kind?"
"burning. Like the pain when you have alcohol in a wound"
"Well, I use Iodine.. so maybe your just a wuss"
And its not the first time shes said such a thing to me. I get a little annoyed because its ... well, stupid dont you think?
Someone who has been oppressed by binary gender systems and a compulsory heterosexual society (ooo fancy words!) to then turn around and preach the same message.
Very odd.
But after I walked home pissed off I saw it from a different light.
We cant change the world to the way it should be (because I dont think we know yet how humans are 'suppose to be') so we have to do our best, which is, to conform.
So it seems to be the idea of the clinic that Im not trans and well, yeh its annoying I suppose. But I shrug at them... I know what I am.
I like what I am.
Oh some boasting here; all this gym work is paying off. Man I look Ho0o0OoT
Its just a damn shame I cant have chest surgery yet otherwise Id be parading around topless (more often).
Showing posts with label Who I am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Who I am. Show all posts
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Feeling Shaky
I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.
Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.
Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.
Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.
Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.
Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.
... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.
when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.
Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.
Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.
I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?
I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.
My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.
Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.
It was a country of gray.
But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.
I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.
So yeh, I cracked.
I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.
I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.
My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.
Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.
----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.
If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?
Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.
Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.
Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.
Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.
Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.
... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.
when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.
Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.
Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.
I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?
I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.
My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.
Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.
It was a country of gray.
But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.
I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.
So yeh, I cracked.
I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.
I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.
My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.
Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.
----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.
If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A new world
Rodders@ Who says I dont?
Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.
As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.
Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.
Sounds a little selfish.
Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)
At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)
For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.
However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.
My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.
I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.
When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.
Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.
Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.
While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...
Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)
And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)
So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.
Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.
As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.
Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.
Sounds a little selfish.
Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)
At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)
For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.
However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.
My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.
I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.
When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.
Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.
Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.
While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...
Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)
And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)
So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Back in Action
Hello hello..
Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway
Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.
Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.
Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.
Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.
Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!
In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)
I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)
Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.
I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.
Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.
On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.
I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.
I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.
But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one
You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.
Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.
Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -
Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.
Urg.
Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me
><
Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.
Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)
BEFORE
(17 y/o)
AFTER
(About 9 months on T)
Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway
Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.
Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.
Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.
Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.
Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!
In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)
I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)
Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.
I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.
Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.
On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.
I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.
I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.
But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one
You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.
Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.
Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -
Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.
Urg.
Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me
><
Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.
Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)
BEFORE
(17 y/o)
AFTER
(About 9 months on T)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Novacaine
I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.
Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.
I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.
In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..
Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.
Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.
I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.
Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.
I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.
I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.
---
Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.
I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.
I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.
People see what they want to see.
Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.
I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.
In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..
Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.
Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.
I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.
Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.
I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.
I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.
---
Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.
I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.
I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.
People see what they want to see.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Progress Report
My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.
Im horny (no change)
Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.
There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.
My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.
My face has a different shape to it.
Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.
No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.
Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.
Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)
Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.
The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.
I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])
I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.
I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.
In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.
And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.
July 2007
August 2008
Im horny (no change)
Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.
There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.
My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.
My face has a different shape to it.
Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.
No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.
Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.
Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)
Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.
The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.
I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])
I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.
I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.
In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.
And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.
July 2007
August 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Weirdest looking boy I've ever seen
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Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A little more confessing
I talk like I have a dick.
When Im horny, Im hard.
When I wanna piss, I take a slash or I bleed the lizard.
I remember my first girlfriend saying to me "Id enjoy sleeping with you if I could feel something in your pants"
God that hurt me.
It was just like that. A lot. I did whatever I could to fight it.
Its not true that girls can do anything guys can.
I said it before. I felt like I had the wrong equiptment for the game.
And even though I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy. It doesnt bother me (90% of the time) that I dont have a dick. I mean, unless Im having sex.. then Im sometimes so bummed I just dont wanna do it but thats off topic.....
My problem is everyone else.
Asuka ignores my chest. It probably gets as much stimulation in sex as my belly and out of sex its just out right ignored.
Danny likes them. She admires them and wants to fondle them.
Both these girls and their attitude though.. depresses me.
No surgery can give me what Im missing. Im aware of that. This is an issue that I have to deal with. Possible a trust issue or a self esteem issue. A mix of both
No one can love me and I dont trust my lover?
Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because I need to get it out of my head
When Im horny, Im hard.
When I wanna piss, I take a slash or I bleed the lizard.
I remember my first girlfriend saying to me "Id enjoy sleeping with you if I could feel something in your pants"
God that hurt me.
It was just like that. A lot. I did whatever I could to fight it.
Its not true that girls can do anything guys can.
I said it before. I felt like I had the wrong equiptment for the game.
And even though I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy. It doesnt bother me (90% of the time) that I dont have a dick. I mean, unless Im having sex.. then Im sometimes so bummed I just dont wanna do it but thats off topic.....
My problem is everyone else.
Asuka ignores my chest. It probably gets as much stimulation in sex as my belly and out of sex its just out right ignored.
Danny likes them. She admires them and wants to fondle them.
Both these girls and their attitude though.. depresses me.
No surgery can give me what Im missing. Im aware of that. This is an issue that I have to deal with. Possible a trust issue or a self esteem issue. A mix of both
No one can love me and I dont trust my lover?
Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because I need to get it out of my head
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Shameful
Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Final Days
I here voices every now and again. Not so bothersome.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.
I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.
Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.
Its so tempting to just hack away at it.
I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!
There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.
I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.
Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.
It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.
I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.
But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.
The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.
Most likely Yes.
Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Night on Mars
I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
It was my first time :)
It was odd. Cool. Different.
I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.
Lets just do an overview of the night.
10pm Arrived.
Bought drinks
Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman
Got drunk
Stumbled around
Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)
Danced
Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)
Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!
A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.
Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)
Watch a show of drag queens.
Left about 3am
Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.
Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)
Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)
Rather nice. Rather eventful.
Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.
Bitch.
Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.
My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!
I dont know.
Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!
*sigh*
Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion
What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.
I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.
Or is he...
Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.
Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
You think Im ok?
Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.
[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"
"What?"
"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"
"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"
"No not that!"
Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"
"Oh... ok.."
(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)
"When I start taking T it'll improve"
"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."
"..."
"...."
"Ok"
"I dont want you to change"
"Huh like what?"
"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"
FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).
Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.
Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...
Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)
male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth
So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.
Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...
I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)
Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?
I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.
Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.
Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.
And yeh.. thats it..
Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).
Yeh.. I miss her..
:(
I still pray that its not love
Go figure
[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"
"What?"
"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"
"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"
"No not that!"
Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"
"Oh... ok.."
(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)
"When I start taking T it'll improve"
"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."
"..."
"...."
"Ok"
"I dont want you to change"
"Huh like what?"
"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"
FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).
Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.
Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...
Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)
male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth
So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.
Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...
I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)
Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?
I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.
Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.
Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.
And yeh.. thats it..
Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).
Yeh.. I miss her..
:(
I still pray that its not love
Go figure
Monday, March 24, 2008
The Aftermath
I got back in the ar after boxing.
"I saw a girl come out before you"
"Yep she's the only one"
"You mean the only other girl?"
"Whatever" I mutter and put my belt on.
"Did you get away with it?"
"Of course I did"
Small chatter.
"Can you use male-pronouns?"
"How about genderless pronouns?"
We arrived home and kept talking in the car. I got kinda angry and started crying. Mum tried to hug me and I pushed her hands away and said I dont want hugs or anything.
She agreed to calling me Ally. One step towards Alex. But she wont use He or Him.
I also proved my point that my mum doesnt know anything and I used that as a weapon to win the agrument.
I quizzed her on whats the difference between a Transexual, Transgender and a Transvestite.... and she was unable to answer.
Which gave me the perfect ammo of "How can you tell me what to do now if you dont even know what we are talking about"
She then pulled a tricky one on me. "If you are so concerned about how everyone sees you then I think there is a bigger issue at hand here"
Which is weird. Its a remark that when view with logic makes perfect sense.
However the world isnt logical. Humans by nature ARENT logical creatures.
So therefore the remark is practically worthless and stupid.
But as Humans, the law-abiding-logic-lovers we are, try to put everything into logic. And when I, Alex the Human, do that, I lose faith and feel a little unstable.
The bottom line is we shouldnt go crazy when the math of the world doesnt equal logic. It never does, never will.
So with all metaphors aside my logical part of me thought "Well, thats a good point"
But its not true.
Everyone is different.
With that same logic when someone is bullying you and calling you a whore you shouldnt care about it because you know the truth that you arent a whore.
No you still feel bad
Anyway so we went in from the car and i went to my room. Messaged Asuka. Ten minutes later Mum called me for dinner. Towards the end of dinner my Mum started laughing A LOT. Like... more than ive ever seen her. Then it clicked.
"Are you drunk?"
"hahah yeh"
Shed had a lot of mead. Annnnd my mum doesnt get drunk. Its the first time Ive seen her drunk. Yeh, so I put her to bed...and now Im here..
Ok.. I gotta go
"I saw a girl come out before you"
"Yep she's the only one"
"You mean the only other girl?"
"Whatever" I mutter and put my belt on.
"Did you get away with it?"
"Of course I did"
Small chatter.
"Can you use male-pronouns?"
"How about genderless pronouns?"
We arrived home and kept talking in the car. I got kinda angry and started crying. Mum tried to hug me and I pushed her hands away and said I dont want hugs or anything.
She agreed to calling me Ally. One step towards Alex. But she wont use He or Him.
I also proved my point that my mum doesnt know anything and I used that as a weapon to win the agrument.
I quizzed her on whats the difference between a Transexual, Transgender and a Transvestite.... and she was unable to answer.
Which gave me the perfect ammo of "How can you tell me what to do now if you dont even know what we are talking about"
She then pulled a tricky one on me. "If you are so concerned about how everyone sees you then I think there is a bigger issue at hand here"
Which is weird. Its a remark that when view with logic makes perfect sense.
However the world isnt logical. Humans by nature ARENT logical creatures.
So therefore the remark is practically worthless and stupid.
But as Humans, the law-abiding-logic-lovers we are, try to put everything into logic. And when I, Alex the Human, do that, I lose faith and feel a little unstable.
The bottom line is we shouldnt go crazy when the math of the world doesnt equal logic. It never does, never will.
So with all metaphors aside my logical part of me thought "Well, thats a good point"
But its not true.
Everyone is different.
With that same logic when someone is bullying you and calling you a whore you shouldnt care about it because you know the truth that you arent a whore.
No you still feel bad
Anyway so we went in from the car and i went to my room. Messaged Asuka. Ten minutes later Mum called me for dinner. Towards the end of dinner my Mum started laughing A LOT. Like... more than ive ever seen her. Then it clicked.
"Are you drunk?"
"hahah yeh"
Shed had a lot of mead. Annnnd my mum doesnt get drunk. Its the first time Ive seen her drunk. Yeh, so I put her to bed...and now Im here..
Ok.. I gotta go
Thursday, March 20, 2008
All Alone
Two beers
Porn and a Wank
Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.
Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.
Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?
My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.
Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!
I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...
I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)
Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF
I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.
Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.
I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.
:)
He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.
Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.
The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.
Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.
My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.
I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.
And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)
Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!
...I miss my GP.... :(
Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!
Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.
To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway
Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.
I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.
I hate guys with long hair!
Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.
I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)
Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.
Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.
That very well could be me.
And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"
Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.
I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.
I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex
Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.
I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!
There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it
Porn and a Wank
Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.
Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.
Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?
My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.
Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!
I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...
I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)
Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF
I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.
Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.
I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.
:)
He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.
Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.
The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.
Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.
My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.
I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.
And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)
Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!
...I miss my GP.... :(
Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!
Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.
To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway
Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.
I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.
I hate guys with long hair!
Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.
I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)
Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.
Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.
That very well could be me.
And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"
Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.
I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.
I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex
Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.
I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!
There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it
Thursday, March 13, 2008
M.I.A...again...
Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Where's Wally?
MY BIRTHDAY SOON! Annnnnyway...
My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy
"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"
Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!
And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!
PHOTO SPAM!
Of course we have our nintedo fights...
And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)
Umm...something new...
Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.
Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...
Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!
The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it
Ah the things you learn :P
Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"
I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.
To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.
Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy
"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"
Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!
And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!
PHOTO SPAM!
Of course we have our nintedo fights...
And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)
Umm...something new...
Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.
Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...
Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!
The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it
Ah the things you learn :P
Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"
I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.
To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.
Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Look out Trees! Look out Lampost!
Because here I come!
Or is it go?
Today I woke up with an inspiration!
Today I wanted to pee.
AT A URINAL!
So, I grabbed my device after school and headed up for the mall (for dinner with Waffles and McAnonymous). Then with the supervised aid of the Waffleman... I presented myself at the urinal.
...and then I got stage fright.
Its harder than I thought to pee while my best bud is watching...
Also to add to the problems I wasnt wearing Y fronts so I had to pull down the front of the underwear and do it that way... which was hard. Stupid lycra sports trunks (they are the only pear I had left!)
The final result was...well.. I asked Waffles to wait outside which he did. And then after much waiting and whistling a few drops leaked out to signify the beginning of a petty trickle.
All I can say is I wanna apologise to the cleaner.
Im sorry - I missed.
It was I who dirtied the floor and Im sorry!
Yeh the stress of peeing and the tightness of the pants meant that the flow didnt come out very well. It only just managed to get into the trough...and the majority hit the ground just infront of my feet (shoes were safe though!)
When I came home from Waffles house I talked to mum about changing my name. If she could sign the papers for me so I didnt have to wait until I was 18. She finally agreed. With little enthusiasm.
When the car stopped I asked her "What are you going to do when I transition?"
And we talked about that.
Her objections were its too early. Im too young. I might change my mind later.
If someone had told her she was transgendered at my age - she would have believed it too.
She also said she feels bad that I have to have such a difficult life.
It would just be easier if I were gay.
She worries about the kind of attention Id attract. She fears that I might be raped (Like Brandon Teena) or bashed because guys would think Im a fag.
Also a friend of the family's sister is gay and didnt like her female body growing up either and it wasnt until she was 20 that she accepted it.
And she also threw it "you know your never going to have a penis" and I just found that really ...condescending.
I mean, come on!
What you think I tripped over a dictionary, landed on the word 'transgender' and said "Oh well, this must be me" And then carried on?
What the fuck, no!
This has been about 1 years solid research! and about another 4 months off and on.
Argh, the problem with talking to my mum is that she is a really influencial person and can really shake my belief.
Id like to be an average teenager and say I find her influencial in my opinions not for any other reason other than she has known me the longest.
So she is most likely to know my behavior best.
So yeh, these talks instill doubt.
I dont know what Im suppose to do
God help me.
Im tired of this.
<>
Im going to bed. Gotta see the shrink tomorrow.
I hate how all this crap has to be sorted in several split up 30 minute sessions.
Or is it go?
Today I woke up with an inspiration!
Today I wanted to pee.
AT A URINAL!
So, I grabbed my device after school and headed up for the mall (for dinner with Waffles and McAnonymous). Then with the supervised aid of the Waffleman... I presented myself at the urinal.
...and then I got stage fright.
Its harder than I thought to pee while my best bud is watching...
Also to add to the problems I wasnt wearing Y fronts so I had to pull down the front of the underwear and do it that way... which was hard. Stupid lycra sports trunks (they are the only pear I had left!)
The final result was...well.. I asked Waffles to wait outside which he did. And then after much waiting and whistling a few drops leaked out to signify the beginning of a petty trickle.
All I can say is I wanna apologise to the cleaner.
Im sorry - I missed.
It was I who dirtied the floor and Im sorry!
Yeh the stress of peeing and the tightness of the pants meant that the flow didnt come out very well. It only just managed to get into the trough...and the majority hit the ground just infront of my feet (shoes were safe though!)
When I came home from Waffles house I talked to mum about changing my name. If she could sign the papers for me so I didnt have to wait until I was 18. She finally agreed. With little enthusiasm.
When the car stopped I asked her "What are you going to do when I transition?"
And we talked about that.
Her objections were its too early. Im too young. I might change my mind later.
If someone had told her she was transgendered at my age - she would have believed it too.
She also said she feels bad that I have to have such a difficult life.
It would just be easier if I were gay.
She worries about the kind of attention Id attract. She fears that I might be raped (Like Brandon Teena) or bashed because guys would think Im a fag.
Also a friend of the family's sister is gay and didnt like her female body growing up either and it wasnt until she was 20 that she accepted it.
And she also threw it "you know your never going to have a penis" and I just found that really ...condescending.
I mean, come on!
What you think I tripped over a dictionary, landed on the word 'transgender' and said "Oh well, this must be me" And then carried on?
What the fuck, no!
This has been about 1 years solid research! and about another 4 months off and on.
Argh, the problem with talking to my mum is that she is a really influencial person and can really shake my belief.
Id like to be an average teenager and say I find her influencial in my opinions not for any other reason other than she has known me the longest.
So she is most likely to know my behavior best.
So yeh, these talks instill doubt.
I dont know what Im suppose to do
God help me.
Im tired of this.
<
Im going to bed. Gotta see the shrink tomorrow.
I hate how all this crap has to be sorted in several split up 30 minute sessions.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Something to shoot for
I started running over the possible things that could cause me to freak out about transitioning.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Lab Rat Alex - At it again!
Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
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