I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.
Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.
I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.
In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..
Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.
Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.
I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.
Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.
I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.
I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.
---
Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.
I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.
I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.
People see what they want to see.
Showing posts with label Binding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Binding. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Shameful
Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.
*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*
So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!
By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.
BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.
Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.
Unforutnately not eh...whatever..
Back on track.
Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery
Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.
Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.
In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.
Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.
Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.
I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.
In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.
People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.
That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.
Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.
I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.
So..
with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.
Love and Cheese
Monday, April 28, 2008
I dreamt a dream
Last night I had a dream. Id found this surgeon.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.
The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.
I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.
Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.
I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.
Odd dream, isnt it.
He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.
However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.
On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.
I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.
When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.
I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.
I dont want it there.
Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!
Thats not my problem!
ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.
I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.
I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.
Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.
Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.
The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.
I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.
Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.
I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.
Odd dream, isnt it.
He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.
However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.
On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.
I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.
When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.
I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.
I dont want it there.
Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!
Thats not my problem!
ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.
I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.
I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.
Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.
Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
M.I.A...again...
Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
PAIN - Opps I did it again.
No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.
Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.
In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.
Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...
To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)
So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.
So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.
And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!
Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.
So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.
Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).
So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)
So I felt better listening and talking to them.
And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.
Umm, something else...something else...
Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.
Ummm....
Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.
My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.
I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)
Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.
I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.
There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.
Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"
And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!
These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.
Id hate that!
For me.
In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.
So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.
~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)
~*~*~
But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.
Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.
But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.
Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.
If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.
Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.
Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.
When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"
~*~*~
TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"
With the English language, I take the same approach.
If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.
But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.
(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)
Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?
Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...
Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?
P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~
Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)
Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.
You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.
Cheers Waffles.
I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.
Aww yeah~
Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!
Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.
It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"
Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)
My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.
And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.
Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.
In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.
Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...
To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)
So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.
So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.
And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!
Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.
So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.
Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).
So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)
So I felt better listening and talking to them.
And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.
Umm, something else...something else...
Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.
Ummm....
Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.
My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.
I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)
Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.
I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.
There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.
Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"
And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!
These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.
Id hate that!
For me.
In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.
So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.
~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)
~*~*~
But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.
Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.
But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.
Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.
If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.
Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.
Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.
When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"
~*~*~
TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"
With the English language, I take the same approach.
If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.
But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.
(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)
Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?
Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...
Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?
P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~
Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)
Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.
You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.
Cheers Waffles.
I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.
Aww yeah~
Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!
Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.
It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"
Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)
My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.
And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Back to Business
Sorry about my last post. I still feel pretty messed up and irriated but Im on the mend it seems.
I re-dyed the hairs on the side on my face. No real change. I dont think its noticable unless someone is staring at the side of my face really intently...
Oh well, it gets me a little excited. Thinking that I could have side burns. Or any facial hair for that matter.
I went to the chemist and a herbal shop to do some asking around about DHEA and Androdiol.
DHEA is readily available from most herbal natural "Eat this root" kind of shop. Whatever their techincal name is..
Chemists with a variety of suppliments should also have them. The shop I went to was selling them at 18 bucks a bottle which is.... better than I expected
Androdiol on the other hand has been discontinued and is a perscription-drug. If I remember correctly.
What else have I been doing... oh yeah! Physio-tape!
Now it was recommended that I tape down my binder to stop it rolling up. Here is my report.
The two major concerns for my binder rolling up -
1. The weird vein like marks left on my hip (that dont go away!!!)
2. The fact that when I eat I cant eat as much as normal, or Im in some sort of pain.
Apart from that I dont really care....
Ok so the tape! its like Mega mega super-duper sticky tape. And I tape the bottom of my binder to my thigh (making sure that it was in a place that when I squated or moved it didnt hurt like a mother-fucker)
The binder no longer rolled up. And I didnt have any pains when I ate!
So that solved problem number two...
But number one? The marks on my body?...
Well, I took the tape off. It hurt. A lot.
And Ill be honest - Im a sadomasochist so I actually found it to be very enjoyable (Read: Arousing)
The second time I took it off though, as fun as I found it, its made my leg all weird. The skin is all red and rash like and feels kinda bumpy. Now I took it off about 26 hours and it still hasnt gone down. Its also a little tender to the touch.
I dont really mind it. Lol.
Whats really shitting me is the damage to my binder!! The glue stuff on the tape is still on my binder...which means any thing it came in contact with has gotten stuck to the gluey shit. So now my binder has black sticky marks ALL OVER the bottom of it. For that reason, it cannot be turned inside out to be worn again and to preserve its shape.
I cant find any teatree oil to get it off and Im really scared that anything I do to it is gonna make the problem worse.
On a brighter side -
Santa got me a new binder for christmas!! And its in the express mail as of Friday.
Its a black one. Size S (my current is Xtra Small. So Im hoping the sizing up will fix the eating problem). The design and maker and whatever are exactly the same. Im looking forward to getting it :)
I re-dyed the hairs on the side on my face. No real change. I dont think its noticable unless someone is staring at the side of my face really intently...
Oh well, it gets me a little excited. Thinking that I could have side burns. Or any facial hair for that matter.
I went to the chemist and a herbal shop to do some asking around about DHEA and Androdiol.
DHEA is readily available from most herbal natural "Eat this root" kind of shop. Whatever their techincal name is..
Chemists with a variety of suppliments should also have them. The shop I went to was selling them at 18 bucks a bottle which is.... better than I expected
Androdiol on the other hand has been discontinued and is a perscription-drug. If I remember correctly.
What else have I been doing... oh yeah! Physio-tape!
Now it was recommended that I tape down my binder to stop it rolling up. Here is my report.
The two major concerns for my binder rolling up -
1. The weird vein like marks left on my hip (that dont go away!!!)
2. The fact that when I eat I cant eat as much as normal, or Im in some sort of pain.
Apart from that I dont really care....
Ok so the tape! its like Mega mega super-duper sticky tape. And I tape the bottom of my binder to my thigh (making sure that it was in a place that when I squated or moved it didnt hurt like a mother-fucker)
The binder no longer rolled up. And I didnt have any pains when I ate!
So that solved problem number two...
But number one? The marks on my body?...
Well, I took the tape off. It hurt. A lot.
And Ill be honest - Im a sadomasochist so I actually found it to be very enjoyable (Read: Arousing)
The second time I took it off though, as fun as I found it, its made my leg all weird. The skin is all red and rash like and feels kinda bumpy. Now I took it off about 26 hours and it still hasnt gone down. Its also a little tender to the touch.
I dont really mind it. Lol.
Whats really shitting me is the damage to my binder!! The glue stuff on the tape is still on my binder...which means any thing it came in contact with has gotten stuck to the gluey shit. So now my binder has black sticky marks ALL OVER the bottom of it. For that reason, it cannot be turned inside out to be worn again and to preserve its shape.
I cant find any teatree oil to get it off and Im really scared that anything I do to it is gonna make the problem worse.
On a brighter side -
Santa got me a new binder for christmas!! And its in the express mail as of Friday.
Its a black one. Size S (my current is Xtra Small. So Im hoping the sizing up will fix the eating problem). The design and maker and whatever are exactly the same. Im looking forward to getting it :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
A virtue?
Ok, yeh... Im going to wait as long as possible before taking testosterone. But me being a spontaneous, reckless, home-and-away hating, impatient person....how long should I wait?
Too long will drive me insane.
Too quick is just irrespoinsible.
I'll be 18 in 3 months so Ill be my own man and legally able to help myself. My brother and my mother asked me to wait until I was atleast 21.
"There is no rush"
Well, there kinda is....
I dont wanna have too much of a life where people remember me as a female. I mean the good thing about my age at the moment is that by the end of next year I will have graduated and I never have to see those pathetic people at school ever again (I kid, they are woderful) which means they never have to see my transition.
So thats 1 reason. The time convinience. I can start a new life and job as a man without this messy "I once was a lesbian but now Im a bisexual male.." crap.
Oh, Today I got a package from Japan. It was a christmas present from the PTA!! YAY!! they bought me mens sports underwear (its made of lycra so its sweat absorbent) and a matching sports shirt. Both Nike.
Mum asked about why the underwear was made of that material to which I explained in a less gracious way.
"Its to stop you getting a sweaty sack"
Im sorry. Today Ive just been a totally moody dick.
Yeh... my mum isnt going to handle a transion well. Its going to take a lot of time. Im not made or angry or anything negative towards her...umm... fears? I dont know what to call them. I guess more than anything Im interested to hear how she REALLY feels. I must be strange to 'loss your daughter'. And Im not the first one she's lost so I guess this is especially difficult for her.
I'll be honest and say that there have been more than a few moments in my life when I felt bad because I couldnt be her little girl like she wanted.
I saw my weird and wonderful doctor again today. I just wanted a perscription for my wonder-meds but he booked me in for a full chat... which is ok. Talking to him means Ill learn something new.
Today I learnt about penis deformities (that would require a man to sit down) and the proper word for man boobs ... WHICH I KEEP FORGETTING GOD DAMN IT I MUST WRITE IT DOWN!
And he learnt about binders. All good. The lovely ladies at the desk phoned up a shrink for me and so Ive got an appointment with this guy who's name escapes me... anyway.. .Ill be seeing him in January. He specialises in these kind of cases I think so hopefully by February, I'll have a few things sorted and Ill be a step closer to finding out my true identity and such
What day is it today... 4th? yay! Its about 80 days till I can see my girlfriend!!! YAY!! YAY YAY!!
81 days 10 hours 28 minutes and 10 seconds (and counting) if you wanna be exact....
But I mean... who's counting?
What else was I gonna blab about... oh... my binder. Well the doctor pointed out sweat stains. I totally didnt notice. Yeh, I think it is a little... umm.. well... not as fresh as it could be. But I mean, only having one (and I wear it almost every day) means that there isnt much time for me to wash and such...
And.... its rolling up sooooo bad I just MUST find out what the hell to do about that. Im thinking about adding a special trim to the end of it and filling it with led pellets.
My mother makes dolls so those little lead shavings are easily accessible to me.
If I end up doing it, Ill let you know how it goes.
Im just a little nervous about fiddling with it because if I fuck up, there is 60 dollars and 2 weeks of my life gone!
Well, tomorrow Im working...again... so Ive got to be up early (8am.. shut up its early for me) to work until 5. Then Im gonna crash at Waffles and play super mario smash brothers.
Aaaah to be young again...
Too long will drive me insane.
Too quick is just irrespoinsible.
I'll be 18 in 3 months so Ill be my own man and legally able to help myself. My brother and my mother asked me to wait until I was atleast 21.
"There is no rush"
Well, there kinda is....
I dont wanna have too much of a life where people remember me as a female. I mean the good thing about my age at the moment is that by the end of next year I will have graduated and I never have to see those pathetic people at school ever again (I kid, they are woderful) which means they never have to see my transition.
So thats 1 reason. The time convinience. I can start a new life and job as a man without this messy "I once was a lesbian but now Im a bisexual male.." crap.
Oh, Today I got a package from Japan. It was a christmas present from the PTA!! YAY!! they bought me mens sports underwear (its made of lycra so its sweat absorbent) and a matching sports shirt. Both Nike.
Mum asked about why the underwear was made of that material to which I explained in a less gracious way.
"Its to stop you getting a sweaty sack"
Im sorry. Today Ive just been a totally moody dick.
Yeh... my mum isnt going to handle a transion well. Its going to take a lot of time. Im not made or angry or anything negative towards her...umm... fears? I dont know what to call them. I guess more than anything Im interested to hear how she REALLY feels. I must be strange to 'loss your daughter'. And Im not the first one she's lost so I guess this is especially difficult for her.
I'll be honest and say that there have been more than a few moments in my life when I felt bad because I couldnt be her little girl like she wanted.
I saw my weird and wonderful doctor again today. I just wanted a perscription for my wonder-meds but he booked me in for a full chat... which is ok. Talking to him means Ill learn something new.
Today I learnt about penis deformities (that would require a man to sit down) and the proper word for man boobs ... WHICH I KEEP FORGETTING GOD DAMN IT I MUST WRITE IT DOWN!
And he learnt about binders. All good. The lovely ladies at the desk phoned up a shrink for me and so Ive got an appointment with this guy who's name escapes me... anyway.. .Ill be seeing him in January. He specialises in these kind of cases I think so hopefully by February, I'll have a few things sorted and Ill be a step closer to finding out my true identity and such
What day is it today... 4th? yay! Its about 80 days till I can see my girlfriend!!! YAY!! YAY YAY!!
81 days 10 hours 28 minutes and 10 seconds (and counting) if you wanna be exact....
But I mean... who's counting?
What else was I gonna blab about... oh... my binder. Well the doctor pointed out sweat stains. I totally didnt notice. Yeh, I think it is a little... umm.. well... not as fresh as it could be. But I mean, only having one (and I wear it almost every day) means that there isnt much time for me to wash and such...
And.... its rolling up sooooo bad I just MUST find out what the hell to do about that. Im thinking about adding a special trim to the end of it and filling it with led pellets.
My mother makes dolls so those little lead shavings are easily accessible to me.
If I end up doing it, Ill let you know how it goes.
Im just a little nervous about fiddling with it because if I fuck up, there is 60 dollars and 2 weeks of my life gone!
Well, tomorrow Im working...again... so Ive got to be up early (8am.. shut up its early for me) to work until 5. Then Im gonna crash at Waffles and play super mario smash brothers.
Aaaah to be young again...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Bully ~ いじめ ~
I was bullied!
And I wanna tell you about it.
Today I needed to return to my old school (It is a high school, Junior high and a primary school in the same place so its very big. 1500 students). The year 12's (My friends) arent there. Exam week.
During exam week year 12s come and go. Picking up forms and work and other things. They dont wear uniform. So for these students who harrassed me I would have looked like a year 12. Actually, they didnt recognise me at all.
For all they knew I could have been an assistant teacher! (as one of the teachers did mistake me as today!)
I went to the computer room to type up some things and print them off. There is a special room full of computers that students doing study use. So I used that room.
Please note: I was wearing my binder. A Black Polo shirt. Jeans. The Chain connecting to my wallet to my jeans was hanging out in a gangsta fashion and I had sunglasses.
I took a seat by myself. There were three boys seated behind me. They wouldnt have had much of a glance at my face.
So I sat down and started to work. Thats when I heard one say loudly - "Holy shit that dudes a chick!!!"
And they started to laugh and giggled to each other. They talked about me in normal voices. Not whispers. So everyone in the small room could hear VERY clearly.
"She built like a guy. What the fuck"
"What the hell does she wanna be a fuckng guy or something?"
"Oh dude, a chain? Thats so out of fashion"
"Who the fuck is she anyway? Just some random off the street walking into our school?"
Then another boy entered the room. The three boys behind me called to him -
"Hey, That dude is a chick!!!"
"What the fuck?"
Actually, I respect the new guy who came in. His tone indicated that he thought his friends were being a little rude (which I think is an understatement).
Then lunch started and I had to head back to the staff room to talk to the teachers. As I walked I got some names called out to me. You know very unoriganal ones like - "Man-Woman"
You see, this is the crap that happened to me a lot during school. It reminded me how stupid this country is and this city is especially.
What does it matter that I look like a boy!!!
Is that a problem for them? Does it threaten them?
What are they scared that Im more masculine than they are? WHAT? What the fuck is it?
I was pretty furious and I wished that I was suicidal enough to kill them. And not just them, a lot of people at school. Like a columbine attack thing. I think its the only way this city will wake up and realise whats happening! We cant let this kind of thing happen!
I wanted to take some sort of action but I dont know what I can do. The only idea I had is maybe train to be a social worker or one of those kinds of peoples at the school. A special guest speaker to talk to the assholes about how bad it makes people feel and make them stop and realise what they are doing isnt right or 'cool' or anything.
I found my school (and I think it might not be restricted to only us) to be very.... narrow minded? I mean, if your gay that is no problem really. They just ignore it. They never addressed the issue at all. No support. Although technically 10% of the students there ARE gay. And even a teacher or two if Im not mistaken.
Our sex educaton class brushed over the topic and made a mockery of it by playing the SIMPSONS to explain the facts of 'that lifestyle'. Yes, because that helps, doesnt it.
Anyway, moving away from things that make me feel sick and angry. Onto something that just makes me feel sick.
Yes, My binder.
Its rolling up with avengence!!! Lol.
Im washing it at the moment. The hot summer has made me sweat and well, my binder smells. So Im washing it in the sick. Soaking it with some hand soap.
The problem Im finding that I thoguht I should report is that if Im eating a lot (Say Dinner :P ) my tummy expands. And with the binder doing its job so beautifully it pushes the bulk back. Which actually, isnt a good thing after all. It hurts and I get these weird winded kind of pains.
So just a word of warning to those of you buying binders.
If you are on the edge of the sizing chart do what T-Kingdom said... BUY THE BIGGER SIZE!!!
I was almost a M but foolishly got the S. So yeah... T-Kingdom werent shitting around with that suggestion!
So, I hope you all are healthy and happy. I hope to take some more happy snaps and post them up.
Love & Peace Brothers
And I wanna tell you about it.
Today I needed to return to my old school (It is a high school, Junior high and a primary school in the same place so its very big. 1500 students). The year 12's (My friends) arent there. Exam week.
During exam week year 12s come and go. Picking up forms and work and other things. They dont wear uniform. So for these students who harrassed me I would have looked like a year 12. Actually, they didnt recognise me at all.
For all they knew I could have been an assistant teacher! (as one of the teachers did mistake me as today!)
I went to the computer room to type up some things and print them off. There is a special room full of computers that students doing study use. So I used that room.
Please note: I was wearing my binder. A Black Polo shirt. Jeans. The Chain connecting to my wallet to my jeans was hanging out in a gangsta fashion and I had sunglasses.
I took a seat by myself. There were three boys seated behind me. They wouldnt have had much of a glance at my face.
So I sat down and started to work. Thats when I heard one say loudly - "Holy shit that dudes a chick!!!"
And they started to laugh and giggled to each other. They talked about me in normal voices. Not whispers. So everyone in the small room could hear VERY clearly.
"She built like a guy. What the fuck"
"What the hell does she wanna be a fuckng guy or something?"
"Oh dude, a chain? Thats so out of fashion"
"Who the fuck is she anyway? Just some random off the street walking into our school?"
Then another boy entered the room. The three boys behind me called to him -
"Hey
"What the fuck?"
Actually, I respect the new guy who came in. His tone indicated that he thought his friends were being a little rude (which I think is an understatement).
Then lunch started and I had to head back to the staff room to talk to the teachers. As I walked I got some names called out to me. You know very unoriganal ones like - "Man-Woman"
You see, this is the crap that happened to me a lot during school. It reminded me how stupid this country is and this city is especially.
What does it matter that I look like a boy!!!
Is that a problem for them? Does it threaten them?
What are they scared that Im more masculine than they are? WHAT? What the fuck is it?
I was pretty furious and I wished that I was suicidal enough to kill them. And not just them, a lot of people at school. Like a columbine attack thing. I think its the only way this city will wake up and realise whats happening! We cant let this kind of thing happen!
I wanted to take some sort of action but I dont know what I can do. The only idea I had is maybe train to be a social worker or one of those kinds of peoples at the school. A special guest speaker to talk to the assholes about how bad it makes people feel and make them stop and realise what they are doing isnt right or 'cool' or anything.
I found my school (and I think it might not be restricted to only us) to be very.... narrow minded? I mean, if your gay that is no problem really. They just ignore it. They never addressed the issue at all. No support. Although technically 10% of the students there ARE gay. And even a teacher or two if Im not mistaken.
Our sex educaton class brushed over the topic and made a mockery of it by playing the SIMPSONS to explain the facts of 'that lifestyle'. Yes, because that helps, doesnt it.
Anyway, moving away from things that make me feel sick and angry. Onto something that just makes me feel sick.
Yes, My binder.
Its rolling up with avengence!!! Lol.
Im washing it at the moment. The hot summer has made me sweat and well, my binder smells. So Im washing it in the sick. Soaking it with some hand soap.
The problem Im finding that I thoguht I should report is that if Im eating a lot (Say Dinner :P ) my tummy expands. And with the binder doing its job so beautifully it pushes the bulk back. Which actually, isnt a good thing after all. It hurts and I get these weird winded kind of pains.
So just a word of warning to those of you buying binders.
If you are on the edge of the sizing chart do what T-Kingdom said... BUY THE BIGGER SIZE!!!
I was almost a M but foolishly got the S. So yeah... T-Kingdom werent shitting around with that suggestion!
So, I hope you all are healthy and happy. I hope to take some more happy snaps and post them up.
Love & Peace Brothers
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Haircut
Yes, I finally got around to getting my hair cut. After boxing I had a shower and zipped up to the local shops (where they had a mens hairdresser).
Man, the difference between the mens and the womans is crazy. First of all you dont need to book. You just walk in and sit down. And the guy who was there was great. He didnt talk to me, just focused on my hair.
He pretty much did exactly what I asked... except for the sideburns thing. He completely obliterated my babies!!!!! I worked so hard to get them down there and in one small motion, BAM! GONE!
Sorry... not the best photos :)
Ok, binder troubles. Well, I can put my binder on in about 5-9 seconds. It doesnt itch very much anymore. Still rolls up. The best solution to that is tucking it into my underwear. It still rolls up.. but yeh..it doesnt get really out of control.
But Still it needs adjusting. I do this after I use the bathroom.
Man, the difference between the mens and the womans is crazy. First of all you dont need to book. You just walk in and sit down. And the guy who was there was great. He didnt talk to me, just focused on my hair.
He pretty much did exactly what I asked... except for the sideburns thing. He completely obliterated my babies!!!!! I worked so hard to get them down there and in one small motion, BAM! GONE!
Sorry... not the best photos :)
Ok, binder troubles. Well, I can put my binder on in about 5-9 seconds. It doesnt itch very much anymore. Still rolls up. The best solution to that is tucking it into my underwear. It still rolls up.. but yeh..it doesnt get really out of control.
But Still it needs adjusting. I do this after I use the bathroom.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The doctor
Im not really creative with titles am I? Oh well...
So today I went to the doctor. I was a little apprehensive of what man Id be talking to. He turned out to be great and I had no problems just being myself.
We discussed a lot of things. From what my mum was thinking to what Im thinking and just some medical things. Im going to have a blood test on Monday to see if I have abnormally high testosterone or something...Its not as bad as it sounds.
Ill be glad when we get to the bottom of this. Because not only is it helping the issue with my mother and I, my gender identity, it also is helping my annoying tourettes-like twitches!
Ill be glad to see the end of them!
In other news, My binder is irritating my skin a little. I just get a tad itchy and I dont know why. Also there were some brown marks on there (could have been my imagination!) so I decided I should wash it.
I used warm water and soap then rinsed with cold water. Washed by hand. Ive left it on the towel rack to dry overnight.
The bad thing Im finding (that everyone is telling you) is that its rolling up. And it hurts. I only just made the cut for the small (and please keep into account I magically gained a bit of pudgeyness all over during the course of the ordering) so the shirt is a pretty smooth fit (read:nail-bitingly tight) so when it rolls, it gets tighter.
Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (which delays the effect but yeh..just by minutes) and Ive also tried reverse-wearing. By which I mean, one day I wear it properly, then I reverse it and wear it in-side-out. I heard somewhere that it helps retain its shape.
And it also saves me from washing!
God, Im so gross :P
After the doctors I grabbed lunch and swung by a friends house. We chatted till dusk and it was awesome. We probably strolled about 6kms and ended up at another friends house.
My friend listened contently to things on my mind and gave her opinion on stuff (we talked about my mother forbidding me to go to my Graduation Formal because I was going to go in a Tuxedo). And I realised how lucky I am and that I should keep in mind more often that Im not cursed but blessed with a gift.
So today I went to the doctor. I was a little apprehensive of what man Id be talking to. He turned out to be great and I had no problems just being myself.
We discussed a lot of things. From what my mum was thinking to what Im thinking and just some medical things. Im going to have a blood test on Monday to see if I have abnormally high testosterone or something...Its not as bad as it sounds.
Ill be glad when we get to the bottom of this. Because not only is it helping the issue with my mother and I, my gender identity, it also is helping my annoying tourettes-like twitches!
Ill be glad to see the end of them!
In other news, My binder is irritating my skin a little. I just get a tad itchy and I dont know why. Also there were some brown marks on there (could have been my imagination!) so I decided I should wash it.
I used warm water and soap then rinsed with cold water. Washed by hand. Ive left it on the towel rack to dry overnight.
The bad thing Im finding (that everyone is telling you) is that its rolling up. And it hurts. I only just made the cut for the small (and please keep into account I magically gained a bit of pudgeyness all over during the course of the ordering) so the shirt is a pretty smooth fit (read:nail-bitingly tight) so when it rolls, it gets tighter.
Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (which delays the effect but yeh..just by minutes) and Ive also tried reverse-wearing. By which I mean, one day I wear it properly, then I reverse it and wear it in-side-out. I heard somewhere that it helps retain its shape.
And it also saves me from washing!
God, Im so gross :P
After the doctors I grabbed lunch and swung by a friends house. We chatted till dusk and it was awesome. We probably strolled about 6kms and ended up at another friends house.
My friend listened contently to things on my mind and gave her opinion on stuff (we talked about my mother forbidding me to go to my Graduation Formal because I was going to go in a Tuxedo). And I realised how lucky I am and that I should keep in mind more often that Im not cursed but blessed with a gift.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My package
Yes my precious package arrvied!!!
A Binder from UNDERWORKS.
Im a rather large A Cup. My chest size is about 30 inches.
The binder size is a small.
This is what it looks like.
(Im sorry. I dont shave)
When I first put this on... It was hell. Serious hell. So tight. I couldnt get it over my shoulders. It would lock my hand above my head and there was no way I could step into it and slid it up from my legs to my chest.
In the end my friend came to the bathroom with me and pulled it over my shoulders for me.
The second time I put it on, it was ok. It wasnt as tight. Once I get my arms out the holes and its over my shoulders, it has rolled up and I have a lot of painful trouble trying to unroll it and pull it down. Ive got red rub marks under my arms from that.
And I do recommend you put talc powder on your body.
Me personally, I step into it and stretch it a little so its not too tight. I techincally should have gotten an M size (M size shirts were for 31 inches and up. I just missed the cut off but T-kindgom recommened getting the next size up).
Yes, it does roll up. Slowing from the bottom. The first day I wore it it didnt do it but now its doing it (today is day 3 of wear). Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (ew).
Im also a little itchy because of the shirt. Allergy to spandex? hahaha
I dont have a clear picture of me wearing a shirt and binder... but yes, the effect is very good. I noticed today when I woke up and was walking around without the binder and just a singlet underneath (a tight singlet was what I wore before a binder...that and lots of layers of t-shirts!)
The price for me in Australian dollars was almost 60 bucks including postage. Which I think it really good.
It arrived exactly 2 weeks after I ordered it.
What I have noticed is that Im very paranoid about the size of my chest!!! I realised that now with the binder Im not checking as often - "Are they visible? Can people see them clearly?!?!"
I have a little more confidence and I stand really straight now.
Its easy to breathe! It doesnt feel tight. Maybe the same feeling as wearing one of those Rash Shirts or whatever you call them. The thing that some surfers where... yeah...it feels like that.
Its not hot or uncomfortable. Im really satisfied with my purchase.
It beats sticky tape and ace bandages ;)
A Binder from UNDERWORKS.
Im a rather large A Cup. My chest size is about 30 inches.
The binder size is a small.
This is what it looks like.
(Im sorry. I dont shave)
When I first put this on... It was hell. Serious hell. So tight. I couldnt get it over my shoulders. It would lock my hand above my head and there was no way I could step into it and slid it up from my legs to my chest.
In the end my friend came to the bathroom with me and pulled it over my shoulders for me.
The second time I put it on, it was ok. It wasnt as tight. Once I get my arms out the holes and its over my shoulders, it has rolled up and I have a lot of painful trouble trying to unroll it and pull it down. Ive got red rub marks under my arms from that.
And I do recommend you put talc powder on your body.
Me personally, I step into it and stretch it a little so its not too tight. I techincally should have gotten an M size (M size shirts were for 31 inches and up. I just missed the cut off but T-kindgom recommened getting the next size up).
Yes, it does roll up. Slowing from the bottom. The first day I wore it it didnt do it but now its doing it (today is day 3 of wear). Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (ew).
Im also a little itchy because of the shirt. Allergy to spandex? hahaha
I dont have a clear picture of me wearing a shirt and binder... but yes, the effect is very good. I noticed today when I woke up and was walking around without the binder and just a singlet underneath (a tight singlet was what I wore before a binder...that and lots of layers of t-shirts!)
The price for me in Australian dollars was almost 60 bucks including postage. Which I think it really good.
It arrived exactly 2 weeks after I ordered it.
What I have noticed is that Im very paranoid about the size of my chest!!! I realised that now with the binder Im not checking as often - "Are they visible? Can people see them clearly?!?!"
I have a little more confidence and I stand really straight now.
Its easy to breathe! It doesnt feel tight. Maybe the same feeling as wearing one of those Rash Shirts or whatever you call them. The thing that some surfers where... yeah...it feels like that.
Its not hot or uncomfortable. Im really satisfied with my purchase.
It beats sticky tape and ace bandages ;)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday with my brother
Hello, Im blogging from my brothers house. Im staying here until Friday.
My mum and I had a venting session and I wanted a little bit of time away before I really got angry.
So here I am.
Well, Im excited! My binder is on its final count down now....annnny day. Im so looking forward to that.
At the moment Im using a Tight Lycra (or spantex, I dont know) Gym shirt. I bought this in Japan at UNIQLO for about 2000 yen. Which is about 20 bucks. This is generally tight and clingy so it smooths out my body but doesnt flattern. The advantage of wearing this is my nipples are covered and Im 'supported' with out a bra.
Under this I usually wear lots and lots of shirts. Just plain white T-shirts. This makes me look a little 'bulkier'. Im a really thin guy so yeah...this illusion helps!
So, my dressing order is Tank top (my underwear).
3 White T-Shirts
Spandex Gym Shirt
And finally my dress shirt or whatever Im wearing f0r the day.
In winter, this is all a blessing. Its so warm!! But its becoming summer so yeah, its getting a little hot.
Back to my family now.
It seems my mother is having the most trouble adjusting to me being...well...different now. My brothers are ok with it but of course after living together and growing up with a little sister there are just things they need to sort out.
My second eldest brother recommended the entire family go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist so we can all talk about this problem together (with myself going alone on some occasions and possibly other family members doing the same if they felt they needed to). We would talk about the different problems we might encounter and how to deal with them.
The most obvious example is learning how to deal with people who dont agree with me. What I can do, or my friends and family can do, to try and avoid a potentially dangerous situation.
I think this is a good idea.
I was reading up on the 'side effects' of Testosterone. Well, I was curious... How big does your clitorus get? and what does it look like?
So I googled "Giant clitorus" (My brother told me to do it!!) and well...I was a little shocked at the results. I mean...wow...wow wow wow! Thats ...a little scary. I was a little scared. I mean, I guess its kinda cool. But yeah at the same time its scary. You are stuck between having a penis and a clitorus... its like...a cli-nis. Odd.
I think Id be embarrassed to show my girlfriend what I had 'downstairs'. I just wouldnt take my clothes off or let her touch me.
I wonder.. Can you masturbate with it just like a dick? Im a little curious again.... Maybe I should watch videos...
Ok, well I dont know if I told you or not...but I talked to my Dad about what name I should have. I thought if I was going to change my name, he should have a part of his decision. So he is involved in the process and maybe wont reject the transition. (Not that I really this is will)
So the name Alex has been marked as a "good name". I have 2 middle names (both girls names) that I thought I should change too. However, one of the names is the name of my late-grandmother. So I would like to keep that name in memorial to her. Ive heard of this being done before with men. So, all I need now is another middle name!!
I talked to my girlfriend about this. She was really surprised and had no idea I was going to change my name. Which then made me surprised because I was sure I talked about it and if I didnt, It seemed like a little bit of an obvious step. Hahaha. Anyway.
She wanted names like Jessie or James or Arthur. Which are names I agree on but arent suitable. Reasons being, one of those names was the name of her ex-boyfriend's friend.. and yeah...why would I want that connection? Lol. Also, the name would preferably be unisex. As that would just be really convinient. Jessie is unisex but there was a guy in my class called Jessie and he was a real asshole...It kinda spoiled the name for me.
My family vaguely know of this name - Alex. At first my second-eldest brother and his fiancee didnt agree on it because they couldnt see it but they told me yesterday that its kinda grown on them and it suits me nicely.
Sorry, I got a little off track. Yeah. Im looking for another middle name now. Perhaps James? I dont know.
I dressed up and took some pictures for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy :)
Do I look good? hahaha
Ok, well thats it for today! Love you all.
Ciao!
My mum and I had a venting session and I wanted a little bit of time away before I really got angry.
So here I am.
Well, Im excited! My binder is on its final count down now....annnny day. Im so looking forward to that.
At the moment Im using a Tight Lycra (or spantex, I dont know) Gym shirt. I bought this in Japan at UNIQLO for about 2000 yen. Which is about 20 bucks. This is generally tight and clingy so it smooths out my body but doesnt flattern. The advantage of wearing this is my nipples are covered and Im 'supported' with out a bra.
Under this I usually wear lots and lots of shirts. Just plain white T-shirts. This makes me look a little 'bulkier'. Im a really thin guy so yeah...this illusion helps!
So, my dressing order is Tank top (my underwear).
3 White T-Shirts
Spandex Gym Shirt
And finally my dress shirt or whatever Im wearing f0r the day.
In winter, this is all a blessing. Its so warm!! But its becoming summer so yeah, its getting a little hot.
Back to my family now.
It seems my mother is having the most trouble adjusting to me being...well...different now. My brothers are ok with it but of course after living together and growing up with a little sister there are just things they need to sort out.
My second eldest brother recommended the entire family go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist so we can all talk about this problem together (with myself going alone on some occasions and possibly other family members doing the same if they felt they needed to). We would talk about the different problems we might encounter and how to deal with them.
The most obvious example is learning how to deal with people who dont agree with me. What I can do, or my friends and family can do, to try and avoid a potentially dangerous situation.
I think this is a good idea.
I was reading up on the 'side effects' of Testosterone. Well, I was curious... How big does your clitorus get? and what does it look like?
So I googled "Giant clitorus" (My brother told me to do it!!) and well...I was a little shocked at the results. I mean...wow...wow wow wow! Thats ...a little scary. I was a little scared. I mean, I guess its kinda cool. But yeah at the same time its scary. You are stuck between having a penis and a clitorus... its like...a cli-nis. Odd.
I think Id be embarrassed to show my girlfriend what I had 'downstairs'. I just wouldnt take my clothes off or let her touch me.
I wonder.. Can you masturbate with it just like a dick? Im a little curious again.... Maybe I should watch videos...
Ok, well I dont know if I told you or not...but I talked to my Dad about what name I should have. I thought if I was going to change my name, he should have a part of his decision. So he is involved in the process and maybe wont reject the transition. (Not that I really this is will)
So the name Alex has been marked as a "good name". I have 2 middle names (both girls names) that I thought I should change too. However, one of the names is the name of my late-grandmother. So I would like to keep that name in memorial to her. Ive heard of this being done before with men. So, all I need now is another middle name!!
I talked to my girlfriend about this. She was really surprised and had no idea I was going to change my name. Which then made me surprised because I was sure I talked about it and if I didnt, It seemed like a little bit of an obvious step. Hahaha. Anyway.
She wanted names like Jessie or James or Arthur. Which are names I agree on but arent suitable. Reasons being, one of those names was the name of her ex-boyfriend's friend.. and yeah...why would I want that connection? Lol. Also, the name would preferably be unisex. As that would just be really convinient. Jessie is unisex but there was a guy in my class called Jessie and he was a real asshole...It kinda spoiled the name for me.
My family vaguely know of this name - Alex. At first my second-eldest brother and his fiancee didnt agree on it because they couldnt see it but they told me yesterday that its kinda grown on them and it suits me nicely.
Sorry, I got a little off track. Yeah. Im looking for another middle name now. Perhaps James? I dont know.
I dressed up and took some pictures for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy :)
Do I look good? hahaha
Ok, well thats it for today! Love you all.
Ciao!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Saturday
My Dad ordered a binder for me the other day. From Underworks.
I was looking at T-Kingdom for a long time but when Id read other FTM blogs and stuff there wasnt much of a crowd following them, I began to worry.
Are they all they seem?
I mean, the site is fabulous. Layout is good, pictures are clear, detailed information and product ratings. Its fantastic, truly.
So I looked around to see why people werent buying from them... and well, I came up with this.
The sizes are too small.
T-Kingdom is an Asian (Taiwan) company so the shirts are made for Asian bodies. For me, this isnt a problem at all 'cause Im a midget. But yeah, for most transguys out there its an issue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I hate my chest. Hate it. Dont need it. Not at all.
My breasts have decided to do the most terrible thing imaginable. Grow.
Yes, I was an A-cup.
Was.
Just before my period they went BOOM! and just filled out like some sort of out of control floatation device. At one point, they were looking at being Bs but now...it seems they're deflating. Not completely back to normal but they are...still kinda bad. Ive had to revert back to wearing a bra.
Before I went out today I spent a large amount of time infront of the mirror shirtless. Im pretty damn happy with my body. My abs are great. My biceps are great. Shoulders are a bit on the short side but hey, they suit me. Its just those damn boobs!
Alright, Ill admit it. Ive positioned myself in certain ways to see how Id look flat.
In other news, Ive got a flat-lining libido. Stupid hormones.
I was looking at T-Kingdom for a long time but when Id read other FTM blogs and stuff there wasnt much of a crowd following them, I began to worry.
Are they all they seem?
I mean, the site is fabulous. Layout is good, pictures are clear, detailed information and product ratings. Its fantastic, truly.
So I looked around to see why people werent buying from them... and well, I came up with this.
The sizes are too small.
T-Kingdom is an Asian (Taiwan) company so the shirts are made for Asian bodies. For me, this isnt a problem at all 'cause Im a midget. But yeah, for most transguys out there its an issue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I hate my chest. Hate it. Dont need it. Not at all.
My breasts have decided to do the most terrible thing imaginable. Grow.
Yes, I was an A-cup.
Was.
Just before my period they went BOOM! and just filled out like some sort of out of control floatation device. At one point, they were looking at being Bs but now...it seems they're deflating. Not completely back to normal but they are...still kinda bad. Ive had to revert back to wearing a bra.
Before I went out today I spent a large amount of time infront of the mirror shirtless. Im pretty damn happy with my body. My abs are great. My biceps are great. Shoulders are a bit on the short side but hey, they suit me. Its just those damn boobs!
Alright, Ill admit it. Ive positioned myself in certain ways to see how Id look flat.
In other news, Ive got a flat-lining libido. Stupid hormones.
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