Almost 10 months on T

Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.

Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.

Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.

Remarkable!

Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.

Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.

Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"

Well!...
Im just elated!

So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.

My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.

No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)

The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^

The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!

HAHAHAHA

Who am I kidding.

Back in Action

Hello hello..

Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway

Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.

Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.

Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.

Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.

Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!

In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)

I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)

Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.

I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.

Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.

On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.

I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.

I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.

But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one

You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.

Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.

Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -

Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.

Urg.

Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me

><


Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.


Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)


BEFORE
(17 y/o)






AFTER
(About 9 months on T)

Progress Report

Was I always this macho?

Muscles
Yes, definately. I was looking at myself in the mirror and Ive got definition across my shoulders, pecs and abs.

Still have a fat ass though

Odor
Not so bad. Im making sure to keep myself clean and odor free.

Libido
High as usual for a teenage boy. However instead of walking around with a tent pole its more like Ive sprung a leak. So, this requires constant changing of underwear and extra attention in regards to hygiene in the shower.

Voice
Sexy. Has moments when its higher than usual. I have to keep an eye on my tone though because I was caught the other day talking like a girl.

Hair
This is starting to worry me a little. But I know its probably all in my head. There was talk about psych meds stunting facial hair growth (as a lot of men had reported) and it made me wonder if anti depressants count as psych meds and if thats the reason my facial hair seems to be decreasing.

Or maybe like I said, its all in my head.

Acne
Yep, im fine.
Maybe my brothers were just really gross and dirty


Other
Nooooo idea. Im passing as male 100% of the time.
I shaved my head and now look like eminem.


And here is another photo spam.. .just because its cute... and fucking hilarious!!!

Progress Report

My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.

Im horny (no change)

Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.

There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.

My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.

My face has a different shape to it.

Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.

No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.

Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.

Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)

Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.

The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.

I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])

I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.

I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.

In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.

And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.


July 2007




August 2008

Black Market

Where do they buy the drugs?
Who the hell has these things? I just.. no Im at a loss.

Runamuck chemists?
Truckies?

All the people I know who do drugs or are drug dealers are all like into Meth and the Mary-Jane...

Wow.. I suddenly painted my self as a shady character... no.. I just happen to know a variety of people.

And Im sorry to say it but it seems that drugs are booming in the gay scene.

This is going to be a short blog. Im with Waffles at the moment. I took him shopping. I love shopping with him. HE's my only guy friend and Im going to say it - shopping with women is a nightmare.

I want to scoop my eyes out with the dull knife.

Oh lets try this
And this and this and look at this.
Im not really gonna buy anything though. Just looking

Think of the man's welfare!!
For christ sake if Im here - entertain me
Fashion a Bikini !!

...
Calling all married men - Do you still find your wife sexually attractive? Or does it turn into something else?

And now I leave you with my photos. Muahhaha


Me Chilling on the grass


Me Riding a Cow


Me... after Asuka carved her name into my back


I managed to con Asuka into wearing my clothes (binder too!) in exchange for me wearing her clothes...and make up...and high heels...those photos shall be burnt


Me and a Kangaroo. True Aussie

We can work it out!

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The working man

I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.

It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*

*flex*

Muhahaha

I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.

In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!

Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)

The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.

The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.

And .5% of that is FTM

Very small market there

But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.

Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.


RANDOM NESS!!


Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!

Ummm... whats something else random...

My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day

Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.

And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.

Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)

But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.

Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.

Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!

Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.

Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.

When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.

Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens

PAIN - Opps I did it again.

No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.

Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.

In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.

Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...

To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)

So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.

So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.

And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!

Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.

So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.

Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).

So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)

So I felt better listening and talking to them.

And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.


Umm, something else...something else...

Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.

Ummm....

Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.

My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.

I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)

Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.

I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.

There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.

Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"

And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!

These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.

Id hate that!

For me.

In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.

So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.

~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)

~*~*~

But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.

Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.

But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.

Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.

If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.

Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.

Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.

When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"

~*~*~

TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"

With the English language, I take the same approach.

If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.

But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.

(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)

Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?

Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...

Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?

P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~

Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)

Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.

You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.

Cheers Waffles.

I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.

Aww yeah~

Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!

Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.

It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"

Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)

My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.

And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.

More Photos

Sorry, I forgot that yesterday to keep myself busy I uh...decided to give my make up skills a test run.

Ive noticed that application time has decressed but the overall effect has stayed about the same.

I did the entire face in probably 15 minutes and I didnt have to wash away any mistakes.

Ive also fine tuned my method of application.