Updatedness

Nothing really to report. I havent grown anything or lost anything. Its all rather boring at the moment.

I want to cut my hair...but Ill wait until after the series of weddings next month to do it.

I must remember Im not one of those playdough men. If I cut my hair itll take a while to grow back.

IVe also been rather ill. I woke up with a migraine, vomiting followed. Next day, vomiting...followed by intense diarrhoea and the forecast is for the same.

I a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel (or my anus, whatever.) Its been 10 hours since Ive ejected anything.


Oh and I have a job now. Unfortunately its working outside in the heat.

Mistaken

I was mistaken at the train station yesterday for a girl. Im wondering if it was because of my looks or because of the odd look I was giving!

This Metro worker was telling us to leave as they were closing up. And I was staring at him in a confused kind of way which he may have interpreted as offended. He quickly said, "oh, sorry, I mean ma'am"

Which prompted a face from me that was very much like o_O

"Oh, sir, sorry"

Then some other officials came over and joked that if we stayed to long we'd be sold on the streets. The same guy referred to me as the "pretty one" and made a comment that Id sell fast or something.

That was a blast from the past!

Anyway Waffles and I went a wandering around the city and I was snared by a drunken women who said I was very cute like a little teddy or puppy and she wanted to keep me.

I suppose that patched up my ego.

The hairs on my chin are getting dark and think but its still only a few that are. And its all under my chin! Very weird.

More lively updates

OMG, did I miss batman begins?!

I totally heart batman. I would have loved to see it ... again.

Well, I am allowed to take my Provisional Permit test in a short while (2 weeks?). I'm stalling. Im just so darn scared, ok?

Im definitely not good enough to do VORT (which is an instant test resulting 99.9% of the time in an instant fail). So I will be doing CBT (Competency Based Training). The Dealio there is you go out on a certain number of drives and complete a list of 'skills'. Each one having to be done twice in order to prove your competency.

Ive entered in a bunch of car competitions and other competitions too. All hoping I can buy me a set of wheels.

My mum suggested that I stop T now that I have my voice. I was like n0 F^
Moment to make fun though;
Period? Really? It's called a Period...Doesnt that strike you as amusing a little?

Sorry, for someone that had horrific 'periods' (and I know another reader can agree with me). They are not so much periods are they are an era.

Yeh thats not going to be something I sign up for in a hurry.

That and my beard hasnt fully set in yet
I know Im totally going to regret it with the pain of shaving but I just have always wanted one!

Just for randomness sake I'll put my measurements up.

Oh first did I mention that my dick is now like 3cm something? That's like a 1cm growth in a year.

w00t w00t! PROGRESS!

Ok, now onto stats

Waist 74cm 30" (was 28")

Bust 89cm 35" (no idea what I was...shall we say...not a lot?)

Shoulder 41cm 16" (was 14")

Ebay Mania

Im getting hooked.

Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)

I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.

Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!

Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.

In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.

Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.

What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.

Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.

In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.

Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!

Almost 10 months on T

Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.

Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.

Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.

Remarkable!

Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.

Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.

Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"

Well!...
Im just elated!

So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.

My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.

No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)

The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^

The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!

HAHAHAHA

Who am I kidding.

So far...

Last night I went to Maslins with Clay at about midnight until 3am ish. That was interesting. The stars were amazing. The sex was good too.

However in the dark he made a ...misfire? and rammed himself up my ass unlubed (apart from my own, if that counts). The pain, oh god, the pain. Its like getting ice cold water poured on your naked skin. But instead of ice cold water.. its ice cold needles.

My body locked up as I let out this yell. He quickly withdrew (which isnt as relieving as youd think)

Its very conflicting because I can feel that Ive got a really hard erection when something is embedded in my ass.

I dont see why women detest ball sacks so much...I think they are cool and they feel nice.

If any of my friends read this btw,
If you speak to me about my girlfriend, you will face my wrath.

It seems just good manners if you hear bad news about someone and they havent told you personally yet, then they arent ready to talk about it or dont want to discuss it.

GOD my ass hurts...

My depressions now going for 10 or 11 days now? Im not sure.. Im so bad at counting days but its been over a week. And all this going out and talking to friends doesnt help. However if I stay home I get really annoyed.

Oh, I guess I should talk about my transition.

WElllllp,

Im never going to be a girl. And Im happy like that. Im happy with how my body is (despite the breasts, still want them gone).

A lot of this have moved around in my head and I guess I cant really type them all out because they are 'ways of looking at things' and despite all the people trying to, you can write out a view point.

I believe so anyway.

In regards to the psychothe-rape-me, Id like to quote GIRL INTERRUPTED .. (again)..

"you lie down, confess your secrets and you are saved! Ka-ching!"

I went to my last session and coughed up a few big dark secrets and he seemed really happy. He doesnt really give much of..advice.. or anything. He just sits and listens.. which is possibly what annoys me. Because I was under the assumption that Id be challenged or given some sort of homework or advice. You know, food for thought.

But Im left rather hungry and having to find my own conclusions.

Which is what I was doing anyway...
so just sign my surgery forms and let me be.

Another note that pops up in my mind is, what happens to the people who dont question themselves or try and find their own answers (Which surprisingly in this day and age, there are a LOT of!)? Do they just pay their money and move on without another thought to the fact that they payed some guy to sit and listen to them?

If you haven't noticed Im still bitter about not having top-surgery.
I think Im going to print off some legal papers showing that he doesnt have a reason to hold me in limbo and the surgeon Id like to have to do my surgery along with reasons why...

Back in Action

Hello hello..

Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway

Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.

Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.

Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.

Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.

Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!

In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)

I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)

Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.

I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.

Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.

On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.

I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.

I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.

But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one

You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.

Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.

Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -

Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.

Urg.

Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me

><


Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.


Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)


BEFORE
(17 y/o)






AFTER
(About 9 months on T)

Novacaine

I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.

Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.

I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.

In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..

Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.

Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.

I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.

Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.

I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.

I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.

---

Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.

I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.

I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.

People see what they want to see.

Progress report

Yeh, if it was a girl then that would be fine. I find it less insulting because the rule "Cant hit a girl" applies there. But the person who bullied me in the supermarket was a boy.

I wear steel capped shoes and spent most of my life in some sort of martial arts training and yet I cant kick someones ass. ... lets rephrase, I can - thats a fact and I have. I just dont often get into fights and naturally avoid them.

HAIR
I dont know what the fuck is going on with my chin. One day there is hair, the next day its gone. The stuff on my chin is good.

OTHER
I have an adams apple, I swear. Its just gotten bigger.
And according to Asuka my dick has gotten a little bigger (Since she arrived) but that is totally debatable.

SEX DRIVE
Im satisfied so no problem

Progress Report

Hair
More and more.. but still now visible unless you are sitting under my nose. Asuka says when I kiss her she can feel it scratching her face.

Body Odor
Probably settled a little bit. I wash but smell as soon as I get out of the shower so Ive given up and am inveseting in deoderants.

Sex drive
Ive been having sex everyday so frankly.. Im having more than enough.

Other
My period is coming I think and I just cant handle it. It seems that before it starts I seem more female than any other time. When I look in the mirror I can see it. It scares me and I dont want to go outside. I realise that this is exactly what I was like since I was 13. I despise the girl I see.

I was bullied the other day in the supermarket by someone who use to go to my old school and recognised me. Infront of my girlfriend it was rather humiliating to stand there and have my dignanty crushed.

That was a wake up call that Im not a man to some people.
I dont think I can handle things at the moment so Im considering returning to anti-depressants.

You know what's funny? Danny and I never saw little blue men. We see shadow people. Has anyone else seen them?

Breaking it off

Well, my true identity (alex) was disclosed to my friend's Danny 's mother. She has met me before under my former name. Anyway her mother found out and went on and on to Danny and asking if we were going out and stuff and blah blah blah. So in conclusion, I said I wouldnt meet her again... with the exception of the holidays when she will stay at my house for a few days.. but yeh after that no.

Unfortunately Danny said Im going to a doctor to fix my problem ... so... mmm... yeh... I dont know how I feel about her mother knowing.. because I dont particularly like that mother for her general socipathic tendancies... mmm yeh.


Well, I guess I am going to miss having a girl who likes woman as much as I do. For most of my life I was the only lesbian.. so.. mm... I hope you can understand how I feel.

Ex-Gay Camp

My mum said again that "Wouldnt it be easier if you were just gay?"

Blah blah blah more crap...

Then I said I feel so much happier being Alex. Apparently she has noticed.

Then she asked if the doctor has tried changing the mind to fit the body instead of the body to the mind.

She feels like Im gonna blame her and that maybe she shouldnt have let me play rough and tumble.

I said it seems a lot like those ex-gay camps... that failed miserably... ARGH... how do I fix this crap..

So I said Im just gonna move out... Arhhhhhhh....

You had a bad day

Argh I dont know what it is exactly about my Psych but he annoys me. I feel like he's not really helping. Hes taking my money and yeh.. all I feel is bad! rrrrr....

Oh and the fact I had to catch a 6am train..

Then I went to see my G.P. and fell asleep in the waiting room. Apparently I was out cold.

Anyway...so afterwards I got drunk and caught a bus. This really nice lady was at the bus stop with me. She was looking at me in a very non accusing way and asked "Isnt it a bit early?"

"For what?"

"To be drinking"

I checked my watch to see it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Id been up for more than 12 hours so... no.. for me, that was my late afternoon. However, I completely forgot that the average man has "Drinking Hours" where as I have a beer with breakfast.

Anyway, Im back on the drugs. Not the mellow yellow ones but the man juice ones. So, Ill be able to keep a track record again of how Im doing. It was an injection again..and fuck! You know as soon as you get an injection EVERYONE hits you.

Oh the pain... the pain of it all!!!

Mm, Im still on the hunt for cheap and accessable T. Apparently it is also available from people who own sheep. However, in my doped stage of tiredness I didnt ask any questions like...

What kind of sheep owners? And what the hell do they use it for anyway?!

Other news...Ummm .. my general being an asshole attitude has pushed everyone away from me. How do I feel about this - fine I guess. I dont know. I dont have any big feelings about it apart from 'hey yeah, I am a dick!'

Whatever whatever whatever...
Im feeling a lot of indifference.

Argh, looks like Im gonna have to write a list of things I can improve on and things I do that make people feel bad.

This is the best strategy for not being a dick I can think of and I dont think its working because Im repeating my behaviour. Any suggestions?

Shock Horror

Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.

I dont care.

I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.

Im just not afraid of something I cant see.

Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?

Yeh it doesnt matter.

Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.

I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.

So, please look forward to photos in the future.

I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)

My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.

When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.

Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...

Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.

Im out of beer.
Darn

Shameful

Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.

I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.

*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*

So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!

By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.

BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.

Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.

Unforutnately not eh...whatever..

Back on track.

Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery

Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.

Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.

In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.

Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.

Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.

I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.

In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.

People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.

That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.

Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.

I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.

So..

with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.

Love and Cheese

Nightmares

Argh, I keep having the same dreams.
1 - having chest surgery
2 - my teeth are crumbling or falling out somehow

its freaking me out!!

other news.. umm...

my mum is asking about my friend (whether or not she is gay) and I find it odd that it matters.

She sleeps with me. So? Thats all you need to know!

People ask me "is your girlfriend... like what?"
and I say she's straight which trips them out. Like its that hard to believe.
If you think she's gay why did you ask?

Just because a person does something once doesnt make them gay. Doesnt make 'em straight. Pretty much you are what you say you are. Unless you are in denial.. then your opinion doesnt count :P

I get very edgy on this subject especially when it comes to my girlfriend or another friend of mine I met in Japan. People were so quickly to label her as a lesbian because she claimed to have a crush on another girl.

And the thing that irritates me about the issue with my gf is that she doesnt even see me as a girl. She determines this as a hetrosexual relationship. Im male - no doubt.

(oh and so does jailbait)

So neither of them are gay.

As an extention of the issue Im also offended because by calling our relationship a gay one you are saying that Im not male and that just pisses me off.

And if you say that Im not because of the fact Im missing a penis well then your gonna have to answer to a lot of angry amputees.

I took a piss in the urinals afterschool. I wanted some more practice (Ive had some accidents recently). While I was going another guy came in and was peeing next to me.. I totally FREAKED out. But he didnt really give me a second glance so I mustnt have seemed too uncomfortable.

Apart from that Im depressed and lonely and wonder really why I want a quick death so much

MORE PAIN

My jail bait bit me! I put my finger on her mouth and she bit it really darn hard. Its been about 4 hours and I can still see the teeth mark.

Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?

Well, it is me we're talking about...

Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?

It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.

Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.

Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)

Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.

In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.

Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!

Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.

Night on Mars

I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)

It was odd. Cool. Different.

I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.

Lets just do an overview of the night.

10pm Arrived.

Bought drinks

Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman

Got drunk

Stumbled around

Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)

Danced

Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)

Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!

A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.

Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)

Watch a show of drag queens.

Left about 3am

Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.

Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)

Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)

Rather nice. Rather eventful.

Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.

Bitch.

Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.

My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!

I dont know.

Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!

*sigh*

Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion

What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.

I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.

Or is he...

Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.

Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!

Med-Free Hell

[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]

Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.

Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.

Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)

Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.

It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.

Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.

Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.

Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.

Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.

The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.

There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.

And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.

Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.

Positive note - Sex drive has returned

Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.

Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)

Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.

Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices

Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.

Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.

I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.

This is Alex signing out now

[Tape ends]


Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.

God, I just wanna stab my shrink

P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job

Cheer up Emo Kid

I fell alseep on the bus today. Again.
In true hobo style!
I woke to the bus driving saying "Kid, end of the line"
And that it was.
It also was nowhere near my house!
My stunned face gave that away so the bus driver said "Come up front, I'll drive you home. Ive finished my round anyway"

How damn nice is that?!

He dropped me to my door (which is definately not on any bus route)
So I thanked him and shook his hand and went inside.

Remarkable.
Not just his kindness to me.
Not just the kidness to another passenger he helped before I fell alseep
Not just the fact that he had a smile the entire time
But because of the rarity of such kindness

To me and Im sure to you it seems common sense but it doesnt happen that often. When a stranger acts like a friend.
Holding an elevator
Helping you to your destination
Seeing if you're alright
A smile or simple hello if you pass in the street
Offering to hold something if your phone rings or you're fumbling for your wallet

I just feel we've become isolated from each other. Too money focused.
Why are we so scared of each other?
Why does it only matter when you know that person?
You know that there is only 2 degrees of separation.. (especially in Adelaide)..
So what's stopping you from helping someone?
What's stopping us from sharing a smile?

Enough of me - here are some things that made me laugh.(Hijacked from different sites)

10 REASONS WHY GAYS SHOULDNT MARRY

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Also apparently those homosexual animals have picked up some unnatural behavior.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.


CHURCH BULLETIN MISTAKES


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”


Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.


The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.


Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends


Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early


Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor


Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar


The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in


Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so


The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice


The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience


The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy


During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.


The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir


Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance


The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"


A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."


Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."


Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice


The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her


Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity


The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children (<- My personal favourite)


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church


The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning


The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession


Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door


Ushers will eat latecomers


The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment


Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir


Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary


8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones


Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child



Ahhh, I hope you enjoyed that because I sure as hell did.
Cheer up Emo Kid

P0vv3R t0 d@ El33t!!

@73><