I was mistaken at the train station yesterday for a girl. Im wondering if it was because of my looks or because of the odd look I was giving!
This Metro worker was telling us to leave as they were closing up. And I was staring at him in a confused kind of way which he may have interpreted as offended. He quickly said, "oh, sorry, I mean ma'am"
Which prompted a face from me that was very much like o_O
"Oh, sir, sorry"
Then some other officials came over and joked that if we stayed to long we'd be sold on the streets. The same guy referred to me as the "pretty one" and made a comment that Id sell fast or something.
That was a blast from the past!
Anyway Waffles and I went a wandering around the city and I was snared by a drunken women who said I was very cute like a little teddy or puppy and she wanted to keep me.
I suppose that patched up my ego.
The hairs on my chin are getting dark and think but its still only a few that are. And its all under my chin! Very weird.
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Updates
Im trying to stay fit and healthy but its not working. I'll relapse every other day and have a bag of chips or something. Damn this crap being hard. Im shooting for 5kgs. Its a lot given how much I actually weight but I know Ill miss and lose only 2kgs or something so its all good.
Ive also got a amateur photo shoot coming up. I have been keeping my skin clean. Thats working out really well.
Ive stopped shaving my lip though because if i do, i seem to get a lot of acne.
The hair there isnt getting very thick still. Its rather wispy still.
Ive also got a amateur photo shoot coming up. I have been keeping my skin clean. Thats working out really well.
Ive stopped shaving my lip though because if i do, i seem to get a lot of acne.
The hair there isnt getting very thick still. Its rather wispy still.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Almost 10 months on T
Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.
Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.
Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.
Remarkable!
Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.
Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.
Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"
Well!...
Im just elated!
So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.
My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.
No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)
The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^
The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!
HAHAHAHA
Who am I kidding.
Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.
Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.
Remarkable!
Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.
Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.
Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"
Well!...
Im just elated!
So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.
My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.
No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)
The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^
The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!
HAHAHAHA
Who am I kidding.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Back in Action
Hello hello..
Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway
Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.
Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.
Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.
Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.
Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!
In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)
I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)
Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.
I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.
Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.
On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.
I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.
I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.
But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one
You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.
Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.
Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -
Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.
Urg.
Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me
><
Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.
Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)
BEFORE
(17 y/o)
AFTER
(About 9 months on T)
Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway
Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.
Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.
Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.
Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.
Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!
In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)
I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)
Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.
I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.
Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.
On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.
I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.
I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.
But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one
You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.
Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.
Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -
Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.
Urg.
Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me
><
Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.
Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)
BEFORE
(17 y/o)
AFTER
(About 9 months on T)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Progress Report
HAIR
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour
A few dark hairs around my nipples
BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only
VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL
MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.
SEX DRIVE
Still strong
Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being
OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..
Why me worry...
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour
A few dark hairs around my nipples
BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only
VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL
MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.
SEX DRIVE
Still strong
Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being
OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..
Why me worry...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Shock Horror
Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
I dont care.
I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.
Im just not afraid of something I cant see.
Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?
Yeh it doesnt matter.
Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.
I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.
So, please look forward to photos in the future.
I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)
My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.
When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.
Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...
Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.
Im out of beer.
Darn
Sunday, April 13, 2008
24 Hours later
Yeh, Foilwoman is right mate. SSRI's are antidepressants. Ive probably been on them for..I dunno... Since the start of the year if not a little longer?
The reason I went off...
Hard to pin point...
I think one thing was disappointing my girlfriend. When I can get any reaction from myself while making love to her or anything makes me feel..really bad. And it's really bad for her too.
Oh and you know what's funny? I still wanted to kill myself.
The difference is there was no "heart wrenching" feeling. You know that chest squeezing feeling when you lose somene you love? Yeh, its like that but blacker and tastes like loathing.
That seems to act like a motivation to get the rope out from the shed.
Where as on the medication I would still be planning and have the "I should jump onto the train tracks". But you dont know why.
I also continued to cut myself from time to time. I dont know why.
Oh.
Yeh.
My chest keeps growing and I wanted it gone.
Perhaps I was drunk but yeh I dont really remember much of the night and Ive got these cuts over my chest
No, my doctor doesnt know about me dropping the meds.
Bless him
Oh and minor hallucinations have set in. They are so minor though I dont even know if I could call them hallucinations but going under the definition of 'seeing something that is not real and induced by the mind', Im saying they are.
Just things move and look like something else when they're not.
Today I felt pretty good. Nothing wrong. Voices are quiet. Ive been thinking though.. I dont want Abraxas to come back so Im inclined to go back on the meds.
Wow, Im scared of myself! hahahaha
Oh and I cut Waffle's hair :)
The reason I went off...
Hard to pin point...
I think one thing was disappointing my girlfriend. When I can get any reaction from myself while making love to her or anything makes me feel..really bad. And it's really bad for her too.
Oh and you know what's funny? I still wanted to kill myself.
The difference is there was no "heart wrenching" feeling. You know that chest squeezing feeling when you lose somene you love? Yeh, its like that but blacker and tastes like loathing.
That seems to act like a motivation to get the rope out from the shed.
Where as on the medication I would still be planning and have the "I should jump onto the train tracks". But you dont know why.
I also continued to cut myself from time to time. I dont know why.
Oh.
Yeh.
My chest keeps growing and I wanted it gone.
Perhaps I was drunk but yeh I dont really remember much of the night and Ive got these cuts over my chest
No, my doctor doesnt know about me dropping the meds.
Bless him
Oh and minor hallucinations have set in. They are so minor though I dont even know if I could call them hallucinations but going under the definition of 'seeing something that is not real and induced by the mind', Im saying they are.
Just things move and look like something else when they're not.
Today I felt pretty good. Nothing wrong. Voices are quiet. Ive been thinking though.. I dont want Abraxas to come back so Im inclined to go back on the meds.
Wow, Im scared of myself! hahahaha
Oh and I cut Waffle's hair :)
Friday, April 11, 2008
Med-Free Hell
[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]
Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.
Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.
Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)
Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.
It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.
Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.
Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.
Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.
Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.
The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.
There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.
And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.
Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.
Positive note - Sex drive has returned
Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.
Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)
Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.
Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices
Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.
Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.
I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.
This is Alex signing out now
[Tape ends]
Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.
God, I just wanna stab my shrink
P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job
Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.
Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.
Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)
Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.
It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.
Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.
Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.
Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.
Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.
The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.
There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.
And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.
Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.
Positive note - Sex drive has returned
Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.
Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)
Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.
Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices
Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.
Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.
I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.
This is Alex signing out now
[Tape ends]
Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.
God, I just wanna stab my shrink
P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job
Thursday, March 13, 2008
M.I.A...again...
Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit
Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.
I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate
Dim Peter As String
If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf
...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...
So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.
AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*
She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.
On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.
Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story
I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!
My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.
...Mmmm...
Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.
2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(
A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Re: A hairy problem
Facial hair... Im sorry. Im obsessed. Waffles knows it. I know it. My darling girlfriend knows it.
And by now you should all have noticed. So let me do my ranting.
I LOVE grooming myself.
Love it.
For me it allows me to be creative and work on myself like I was a fresh lump of clay.
So facial hair for me... is...very important. Its a very defining feautre. So before I dive into attacking "Its a chore"... I wanna complain a little...
1. Exfoliate
Please. I beg you.
If you do nothing else I suggest - do this.
Its very unattractive to see men with faces that look like a hairy bowl of frosty flakes.
Buy some sort of exfoliating device and just give your face a nice scrub over when your in the shower. It takes about 1 minute - tops.
You'll get a better (closer) shave this way.
And if your face is really turning into a cornflake crisis you might wanna get some cream for that. Im not sure if antidandruff works with facial hair but a moisturiser will solve this problem (temporarily). Also check if your aftershave or what not has alcohol it in because yeh... that will dry you out
Side note: Exfoliate as the last thing you do before leaving the shower.
2. Peach Fluff
Yes, a little bit of fluff can be exciting for every young man. But please dont try and grow it. Its there to be shaven. Trust me.
Ive seen an alarming amount of young (bio)guys growing there fluff.
You look like a walrus
If you dont wanna shave it off then atleast trim it back a little.
3. Shavers Vs Blades
I have little respect for shavers.
There... I said it.
Other notes:
- Dont shave first thing in the morning. Your face is all puffy in the morning and not a great thing to shave.
- Wash your face with warm water. It allows the hair particles to swell making them easier to cut
- Have a method. Usually best to start at the sideburns, move to the cheek, neck and then do your goatee and upper lips and such.
Ok now Im gonna go onto this chore thing....
Really? You think so?
Hmmm.... Seeing as I have no facial hair I dont know first hand (which removes all credibility to my ranting)
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your comment Fatal was that women have a lot more to shave and yet still have the time for it....yeh what gives?
...
.....
and yeh some of them are also shaving there face (god, Im so jealous)
ALRIGHT! My brother is home and Im using his computer. God forbid he come in and read what Im doing and gimme another lecture that starts in the age old way of "I know better than you so do as I say..."
And by now you should all have noticed. So let me do my ranting.
I LOVE grooming myself.
Love it.
For me it allows me to be creative and work on myself like I was a fresh lump of clay.
So facial hair for me... is...very important. Its a very defining feautre. So before I dive into attacking "Its a chore"... I wanna complain a little...
1. Exfoliate
Please. I beg you.
If you do nothing else I suggest - do this.
Its very unattractive to see men with faces that look like a hairy bowl of frosty flakes.
Buy some sort of exfoliating device and just give your face a nice scrub over when your in the shower. It takes about 1 minute - tops.
You'll get a better (closer) shave this way.
And if your face is really turning into a cornflake crisis you might wanna get some cream for that. Im not sure if antidandruff works with facial hair but a moisturiser will solve this problem (temporarily). Also check if your aftershave or what not has alcohol it in because yeh... that will dry you out
Side note: Exfoliate as the last thing you do before leaving the shower.
2. Peach Fluff
Yes, a little bit of fluff can be exciting for every young man. But please dont try and grow it. Its there to be shaven. Trust me.
Ive seen an alarming amount of young (bio)guys growing there fluff.
You look like a walrus
If you dont wanna shave it off then atleast trim it back a little.
3. Shavers Vs Blades
I have little respect for shavers.
There... I said it.
Other notes:
- Dont shave first thing in the morning. Your face is all puffy in the morning and not a great thing to shave.
- Wash your face with warm water. It allows the hair particles to swell making them easier to cut
- Have a method. Usually best to start at the sideburns, move to the cheek, neck and then do your goatee and upper lips and such.
Ok now Im gonna go onto this chore thing....
Really? You think so?
Hmmm.... Seeing as I have no facial hair I dont know first hand (which removes all credibility to my ranting)
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your comment Fatal was that women have a lot more to shave and yet still have the time for it....yeh what gives?
...
.....
and yeh some of them are also shaving there face (god, Im so jealous)
ALRIGHT! My brother is home and Im using his computer. God forbid he come in and read what Im doing and gimme another lecture that starts in the age old way of "I know better than you so do as I say..."
Monday, February 18, 2008
Back to school
Alex goes to school.
Alex has a hormone deficency and thats why he looks 12
Alex (despite people trying to talk to him during the lunch break) prefers to eat alone.
Alex's mum put down his wrong name on the enrollment forms.
The school assumed his gender.
And thats my school life as of week one (which was a while ago).
The teachers assumed pretty much all of this. I just awkwardly laughed.
Apparently one of the teachers is going to go change my gender believing fully that there was some error on the forms
Now this happened at my old school too. But the class knew me so when the mistake was made theyd laugh and someone would point it out. However, at this new school, nobody knows me therefore there is no correction.
And who am I to object to the teacher?
In front of the entire class...
Oh well it will only be a matter of time.
Actually one teacher does know. My english teacher. During the class I approached him and asked him if he could change my name down to Alex (I refused to answer my name... he called me Alica or something anyway).
He laughed and asked me "You prefer that name do you?"
"Yep"
"Odd though. I thought this name [the real name] was a girls name"
"Yeh it is"
"Why did they give you a girls name?"
"Probably 'cause by techincality im a girl"
"Oh.. OH! I see you are one of those people...a.. uh...tran..tran...s..-"
"Gender"
"yes thats it. Great...great.. thats interesting"
And then we moved on with our lives.
I use the urinals at school. I try to pick a time when everyone is out like during class or in the middle of lunch.
Ive only had one guy come in while I was washing my STP in the sink. Luckily Im in the practice of smuggling it and making it look like im just rubbing my hands together.
Needless to say though I still crapped myself. I didnt expect someone to come in.
You know what ive noticed... mens bathrooms dont have mirrors. Where as the womens always do.
Waffles managed to take me under his wing. In a self benefiting way.
I was lying on his bed when he asked "Wanna practice a man job?"
(ok so far this story sounds really sus but bare with me)
I said "ok" thinking he was gonna get me to lift stuff and if he did, id tell him where to cram it.
"Alright. Clean my shaver"
So I took the thing apart and cleaned it and put it back together. Amazing stuff. Seriously enjoyed it. Crazy, huh.
Then I tried using it.
Yeh...
Umm...Yeh....
I dont know. I gonna get more practice. It just didnt give a close shave. Or Im just really lousy.
Well that pretty much updates my doings.
My girlfriend is coming to stay this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Someone to cook my dinner
Oh...and I also need something for my libido. Im picking my brain about what I can do to give myself a boost cause yeh... im seriously not interested and Ive just passed the time in my cycle when im suppose to be MOST interested...and yeh..that time was freaking nothing..
Oh! I was reading that surges of hormones during your cycle make you more inclined for a man. Makes sense.
Alex has a hormone deficency and thats why he looks 12
Alex (despite people trying to talk to him during the lunch break) prefers to eat alone.
Alex's mum put down his wrong name on the enrollment forms.
The school assumed his gender.
And thats my school life as of week one (which was a while ago).
The teachers assumed pretty much all of this. I just awkwardly laughed.
Apparently one of the teachers is going to go change my gender believing fully that there was some error on the forms
Now this happened at my old school too. But the class knew me so when the mistake was made theyd laugh and someone would point it out. However, at this new school, nobody knows me therefore there is no correction.
And who am I to object to the teacher?
In front of the entire class...
Oh well it will only be a matter of time.
Actually one teacher does know. My english teacher. During the class I approached him and asked him if he could change my name down to Alex (I refused to answer my name... he called me Alica or something anyway).
He laughed and asked me "You prefer that name do you?"
"Yep"
"Odd though. I thought this name [the real name] was a girls name"
"Yeh it is"
"Why did they give you a girls name?"
"Probably 'cause by techincality im a girl"
"Oh.. OH! I see you are one of those people...a.. uh...tran..tran...s..-"
"Gender"
"yes thats it. Great...great.. thats interesting"
And then we moved on with our lives.
I use the urinals at school. I try to pick a time when everyone is out like during class or in the middle of lunch.
Ive only had one guy come in while I was washing my STP in the sink. Luckily Im in the practice of smuggling it and making it look like im just rubbing my hands together.
Needless to say though I still crapped myself. I didnt expect someone to come in.
You know what ive noticed... mens bathrooms dont have mirrors. Where as the womens always do.
Waffles managed to take me under his wing. In a self benefiting way.
I was lying on his bed when he asked "Wanna practice a man job?"
(ok so far this story sounds really sus but bare with me)
I said "ok" thinking he was gonna get me to lift stuff and if he did, id tell him where to cram it.
"Alright. Clean my shaver"
So I took the thing apart and cleaned it and put it back together. Amazing stuff. Seriously enjoyed it. Crazy, huh.
Then I tried using it.
Yeh...
Umm...Yeh....
I dont know. I gonna get more practice. It just didnt give a close shave. Or Im just really lousy.
Well that pretty much updates my doings.
My girlfriend is coming to stay this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Someone to cook my dinner
Oh...and I also need something for my libido. Im picking my brain about what I can do to give myself a boost cause yeh... im seriously not interested and Ive just passed the time in my cycle when im suppose to be MOST interested...and yeh..that time was freaking nothing..
Oh! I was reading that surges of hormones during your cycle make you more inclined for a man. Makes sense.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Something to shoot for
I started running over the possible things that could cause me to freak out about transitioning.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky
Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair
I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.
And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"
To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"
And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"
Indeed.
Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.
But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha
MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!
I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...
You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*
On the topic of BODY!
Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.
Fucking like this baby!
/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]
And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.
I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.
In Total
...
.....
What!
Dont give me that face!
I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.
Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.
Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.
And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..
Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!
There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.
I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.
I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..
Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)
So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.
Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"
If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"
Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..
I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.
But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.
So what does that mean?
I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.
But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"
Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"
"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.
"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)
So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Lab Rat Alex - At it again!
Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD
The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.
I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.
But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE
When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.
Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.
Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.
However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.
Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"
But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)
So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)
When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -
"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"
Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.
In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"
Moving On.
HOW I SEE MYSELF
Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.
I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.
Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.
Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.
Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.
Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.
So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?
UNDERSTANDING
Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.
Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)
But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.
If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.
And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)
GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.
Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.
Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.
Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)
And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!
OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!
And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!
OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!
So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!
I have one simple word for you...
WAFFLES
Yes, Waffles.
Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.
Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"
Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two
So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.
I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.
WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.
Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.
I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.
So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.
Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P
Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The working man
I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.
It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*
*flex*
Muhahaha
I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.
In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!
Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)
The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.
The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.
And .5% of that is FTM
Very small market there
But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.
Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.
RANDOM NESS!!
Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!
Ummm... whats something else random...
My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day
Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.
And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.
Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)
But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.
Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.
Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!
Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.
Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.
When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.
Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens
It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*
*flex*
Muhahaha
I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.
In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!
Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)
The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.
The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.
And .5% of that is FTM
Very small market there
But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.
Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.
RANDOM NESS!!
Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!
Ummm... whats something else random...
My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day
Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.
And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.
Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)
But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.
Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.
Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!
Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.
Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.
When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.
Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Shrunken Heads
I woke up at 11am at Waffles house. At 2:15pm I had an appointment in the city. Without any other transport I took Waffles' bike and shot off. I think I must have broken like a time record or something.
Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.
Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.
I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.
I just think its ridiculous.
Moving on.
At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.
That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.
Which is pretty spot on.
Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)
I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)
I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)
Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)
So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.
They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.
Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)
So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.
One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.
The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.
So lets get on with the good news.
By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.
Ouch.
I...Id rather keep that
And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!
Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.
Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)
Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.
Kinda sad.
A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.
Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.
Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.
And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...
Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.
Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.
I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.
I just think its ridiculous.
Moving on.
At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.
That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.
Which is pretty spot on.
Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)
I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)
I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)
Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)
So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.
They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.
Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)
So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.
One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.
The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.
So lets get on with the good news.
By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.
Ouch.
I...Id rather keep that
And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!
Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.
Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)
Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.
Kinda sad.
A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.
Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.
Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.
And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Doppelganger
A boy wakes up in a double bed. One arm stretched far and the other close to his bare chest. His small fingers touching the emptiness.
It feels rather lonely.
But not for long, he thinks to himself with a smile.
And with that thought propells himself out of bed, ready to repeat the daily routine.
A mouth full of pills chased with water.
An application of Gel.
Quick email check.
Finish dressing.
Then off to work.
Lunch swings round later than usual and this boy is still too busy to sit and eat. He takes it to go while lurking the busy streets, visiting shops, chatting up the assistants and admiring the finely dressed maniquins.
"See you later, Alex!" They say as he leaves the shop a newly bought shirt in hand.
Its back to work for a few more hours before heading home. Another day done.
Its somewhere during the ride home that something strange happens.
A transformation.
Where the young boy in the train seems to fade away and a young girl takes his place. Although the change is slow and usually unseen to the untrained eye the difference is obvious.
This second character is nervous, visibly confused and submissive. Her aura murky and face cast down.
This girl goes 'home' to 'her family' and has dinner with them. She meets the neighbours and family friends and replies vaguely about what she is doing in 'her life'.
Then again, at some undefinable point between walking down the hallway and shutting the door to a bedroom, this girl disappears again.
And there stands only Alex in his room.
People tell him often "You look so different to how I saw you before"
To which he replies "You didnt see me before. It was a doppelganger"
~*~*~
Yes, Ive noticed that Alex and this person whom my parents refer to as their "daughter" are now living seperate lives.
I...find it....important. As much as I dont like it. It keeps the peace.
My mother and brother both reject what Im doing. For different reasons.
I realised that its always been that my brother enjoys making me feel bad by picking on everything I do.
I think there is a lot of irony to the problem really. He blames my mother for his low self esteem and asks me to 'join his side' when infact it is he that has destroyed my self esteem and my mother who has preserved whats left of it.
Anyway,
Not having support from family or from someone you admire sucks. I dont really enjoy living this doppelganger life. I wish my mother and I could both have this journey together.
Im having a second childhood. I still want her there for it.
My brother can burn in hell though. If he dislikes me that much and wants me dead then thats all cool. Im not the least bit fazed about leaving his life. (ah, am I too cold perhaps?)
Any other news: My arms doesnt hurt as much! Also, I got a hair cut.
The End
It feels rather lonely.
But not for long, he thinks to himself with a smile.
And with that thought propells himself out of bed, ready to repeat the daily routine.
A mouth full of pills chased with water.
An application of Gel.
Quick email check.
Finish dressing.
Then off to work.
Lunch swings round later than usual and this boy is still too busy to sit and eat. He takes it to go while lurking the busy streets, visiting shops, chatting up the assistants and admiring the finely dressed maniquins.
"See you later, Alex!" They say as he leaves the shop a newly bought shirt in hand.
Its back to work for a few more hours before heading home. Another day done.
Its somewhere during the ride home that something strange happens.
A transformation.
Where the young boy in the train seems to fade away and a young girl takes his place. Although the change is slow and usually unseen to the untrained eye the difference is obvious.
This second character is nervous, visibly confused and submissive. Her aura murky and face cast down.
This girl goes 'home' to 'her family' and has dinner with them. She meets the neighbours and family friends and replies vaguely about what she is doing in 'her life'.
Then again, at some undefinable point between walking down the hallway and shutting the door to a bedroom, this girl disappears again.
And there stands only Alex in his room.
People tell him often "You look so different to how I saw you before"
To which he replies "You didnt see me before. It was a doppelganger"
~*~*~
Yes, Ive noticed that Alex and this person whom my parents refer to as their "daughter" are now living seperate lives.
I...find it....important. As much as I dont like it. It keeps the peace.
My mother and brother both reject what Im doing. For different reasons.
I realised that its always been that my brother enjoys making me feel bad by picking on everything I do.
I think there is a lot of irony to the problem really. He blames my mother for his low self esteem and asks me to 'join his side' when infact it is he that has destroyed my self esteem and my mother who has preserved whats left of it.
Anyway,
Not having support from family or from someone you admire sucks. I dont really enjoy living this doppelganger life. I wish my mother and I could both have this journey together.
Im having a second childhood. I still want her there for it.
My brother can burn in hell though. If he dislikes me that much and wants me dead then thats all cool. Im not the least bit fazed about leaving his life. (ah, am I too cold perhaps?)
Any other news: My arms doesnt hurt as much! Also, I got a hair cut.
The End
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Results
I took some photos this morning. Here you go.
Me looking fabulous in my boxing gear. Ive got personalised pants from Japan. Its got my name on the side :)
Please note my black boxing gloves. I loven these babies. They are wrist support boxing gloves. You slip them on and wrap the band around your wrist (the band velcros down). The knuckles and back of your fist are covered with 1cm of a foam-like pad. Your fingers have complete mobility (which is a plus because my training includes grabs, locks, pressure points, gouges and anything in betweeen) The thing that took me a little while to get use to was a divider inside the glove which separates your ring finger from your middle finger (so your kinda doing that star trek spock sign thingy). ... Ok, enough of be bragging about my $30 babies.
These photos I took specificaly for you people. I took two then realised it might be better to step into the light (that would be the third photo). All the hair on my face is blonde. Like...invisble white blonde stuff. The hair that you can see that is dark and blackish is what I explained in the last post. Thats just regrow from my actually head-hair.
And Im sorry if this grosses you out (it does for me) something about zooming that close is just... ew...ish...anyway..
And this is me and my puppy dog Jacques (...ok so his real name is Jack...)
Ahhhh Im exhausted. I just finished my boxing session and now Ive gotta get ready for work.
Me looking fabulous in my boxing gear. Ive got personalised pants from Japan. Its got my name on the side :)
Please note my black boxing gloves. I loven these babies. They are wrist support boxing gloves. You slip them on and wrap the band around your wrist (the band velcros down). The knuckles and back of your fist are covered with 1cm of a foam-like pad. Your fingers have complete mobility (which is a plus because my training includes grabs, locks, pressure points, gouges and anything in betweeen) The thing that took me a little while to get use to was a divider inside the glove which separates your ring finger from your middle finger (so your kinda doing that star trek spock sign thingy). ... Ok, enough of be bragging about my $30 babies.
These photos I took specificaly for you people. I took two then realised it might be better to step into the light (that would be the third photo). All the hair on my face is blonde. Like...invisble white blonde stuff. The hair that you can see that is dark and blackish is what I explained in the last post. Thats just regrow from my actually head-hair.
And Im sorry if this grosses you out (it does for me) something about zooming that close is just... ew...ish...anyway..
And this is me and my puppy dog Jacques (...ok so his real name is Jack...)
Ahhhh Im exhausted. I just finished my boxing session and now Ive gotta get ready for work.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Facial Hair
Aim: To see if Facial hair dye products for men can work on women with acceptable results.
Method:
Purchase product from local chemist ($11.90 Light Brown)
In absence of 'me time' (thats what I call the time I usually spend wanking) I decide to do something stupid so I went to the bathroom late at night and locked the door.
Strip down (incase of product spillage)
Mix small amount of mixture and do test (My leg hairs which are brown and my arm hairs which are blond like my face were the victims here)
Wait 5 minutes (the maximum time advised)
Wash off.
Then apply to face.
Results: Ok on my arm and legs there was no change in colour really. So when I applied it to my face I doubled the recommenced time (a little over 10 minutes).
I applied the mixture along my jawline so Id have sideburns.
After 10 minutes I washed the mixture off... and this is the funny part... The hair dye stains skin. So I had dark marks down my jaw. I managed to wash a fair bit of it away but there was still noticable patches.
But by morning it was all gone.
Never underestimate the power of a porous rock.
Being not too bright, I decided to repeat the process as first time had mixed results.
This time round I did sideburns and a goatee.
And this time round, the results were worse than a few black marks...Apart from my skin being stained the smell of the dye was really overpowering and I pretty much suffocated myself with ammonia. It was really bad. I almost called the poison information line.
I could taste the crap in my mouth and my chest felt incredibly tight. Just in general, I felt pretty bad. I washed it off after the 10 minutes and then began drinking a lot of water. It helped some bit. Also relaxing and letting the feeling pass helped.
The results in my hairs are as follows -
My hairdresser had cut the hair down by my ears back really short so the hair growing there is just like the stuff on my head. Thicker than normal body hair and ofcourse, longer. (its sparing but whats there has grown back to be about 3-5mm)
That hair had the best results. It turned black. Its rather noticable.
Id shaved a few days before so all hair on my face would only be a milimetre or so long.
There was no change to any other hair on my face. Its still blonde but I do intend to repeat this process after the hair has grown a substancial length
Conclusion: Unless the hair on your face is either long or thick, you arent going to get very good results.
In other news, the local supermarket sells medicine spoons at 3 bucks! Cheap!! I bought one and am in the process of making a new STP Device. Unfortunately the tube on this one seems a bit narrow(er) so Im a little iffy about how effective its gonna be in the end. Only time will tell!!
Btw, here is something I found.
A list of surveys by FTM trans men (from all ends of the spectrum). The questions are about testosterone levels, injections, suppliment alternatives, time frames on effects, doctors and opinions on results.
Here is the link
Method:
Purchase product from local chemist ($11.90 Light Brown)
In absence of 'me time' (thats what I call the time I usually spend wanking) I decide to do something stupid so I went to the bathroom late at night and locked the door.
Strip down (incase of product spillage)
Mix small amount of mixture and do test (My leg hairs which are brown and my arm hairs which are blond like my face were the victims here)
Wait 5 minutes (the maximum time advised)
Wash off.
Then apply to face.
Results: Ok on my arm and legs there was no change in colour really. So when I applied it to my face I doubled the recommenced time (a little over 10 minutes).
I applied the mixture along my jawline so Id have sideburns.
After 10 minutes I washed the mixture off... and this is the funny part... The hair dye stains skin. So I had dark marks down my jaw. I managed to wash a fair bit of it away but there was still noticable patches.
But by morning it was all gone.
Never underestimate the power of a porous rock.
Being not too bright, I decided to repeat the process as first time had mixed results.
This time round I did sideburns and a goatee.
And this time round, the results were worse than a few black marks...Apart from my skin being stained the smell of the dye was really overpowering and I pretty much suffocated myself with ammonia. It was really bad. I almost called the poison information line.
I could taste the crap in my mouth and my chest felt incredibly tight. Just in general, I felt pretty bad. I washed it off after the 10 minutes and then began drinking a lot of water. It helped some bit. Also relaxing and letting the feeling pass helped.
The results in my hairs are as follows -
My hairdresser had cut the hair down by my ears back really short so the hair growing there is just like the stuff on my head. Thicker than normal body hair and ofcourse, longer. (its sparing but whats there has grown back to be about 3-5mm)
That hair had the best results. It turned black. Its rather noticable.
Id shaved a few days before so all hair on my face would only be a milimetre or so long.
There was no change to any other hair on my face. Its still blonde but I do intend to repeat this process after the hair has grown a substancial length
Conclusion: Unless the hair on your face is either long or thick, you arent going to get very good results.
In other news, the local supermarket sells medicine spoons at 3 bucks! Cheap!! I bought one and am in the process of making a new STP Device. Unfortunately the tube on this one seems a bit narrow(er) so Im a little iffy about how effective its gonna be in the end. Only time will tell!!
Btw, here is something I found.
A list of surveys by FTM trans men (from all ends of the spectrum). The questions are about testosterone levels, injections, suppliment alternatives, time frames on effects, doctors and opinions on results.
Here is the link
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