Progress Report

Hello. Im a day before departing Japan and heading back to my smoldering home.

I must admit Ive got mixed feelings. I miss my friends and a few Australian comforts but I know that there is a heap of crap waiting for me too. I dont particularly want to face my shrink.

I dont remember if I mentioned but as of this month the countdown begins on until when Im allowed to have surgery. The time frame was 2 years since joining the clinic.

Now you can understand why Im a little pissy. As Ive been seeing him since Feb 08 and was accepted onto the program in Nov 08 but the actual counting doesnt start until Feb 09 when I get back from my holidays. Its all justified I know and petty on my part but come onnnnnn!!! So yeh, I wont be able to get surgery until Im 21.

Which is a real kick to the gut as you can imagine (I was too naive, believing his origanal estimate of Nov 09).

The grounds for which are;
a) Im too young
b) Im a risk taking person (which is coupled with the borderline personality disorder)

which I dont think I have. I scoured over the articles on it on Wiki... and yeh... I dont really associate with it. Not enough to say `Thats definately it!`

The following thought is a little messy but.. isnt it kind of like double standards here? He wants to spend more time with me and delve more into my issues. Which means he doesnt really know me very well. However, he can say that he knows enough to bar me from getting surgery?

Another odd thing is he`s making assumptions (which can be blamed on me for not being honest) and using his assumptions or the half of the story he wants to hear as reasons for me being a risk.

I was given the option to go see another shrink. I dont know whether or not I should take it. Either way he will be on the gender clinic board and probably voting against me.

The other issue that has been bothering me is the limit we have on choice in regards to surgeons. Off the bat, Ill say thats scary. It scares me that there doesnt seem to be much room for discussing other options (interstate, international). I mean, its MY body we are talking about... I dont think anyone else should have the final say but me.

This lead me to think perhaps if I want to be serious, I should move. However this is expensive and rather dramatic for something so small and simple.

The other plot that I had in mind (which came to me after my shrink told me) that I can have surgery illegally without their permission (but itll make changing my gender later in life harder). BUT, would it be possible to have the surgery and just not tell anyone?

The requirements to change my gender demand that I have two forms of irreversible changes. Hormones being the first and top surgery being the second. But what if (as i would have had my breasts removed secretly) I had some sort of bottom surgery?

An interesting idea.
I think its a shame that someone would have to consider such an insane way around such obstacles in order to rid themselves of a deformity.

onto the progress report

HAIR
My leg hair has grown a lot an after a glance in the mirror, my ass has turned into some sort of forest.

Im also getting darker hairs around my nipples but not so much anywhere else

The hairs on my lips are thickening and multipling. I also have four black hairs on my chin, forming the most pathetic goatee in history. Side burns dont visibly exist but the hair around there is coarser.

Also, might be my imagination but my hairline maaaay be reciding!


FACE
Acne is bad but this is mainly attributed to diet. The Japanese food has really cleared up my skin

DEFINATELY my jaw has changed shape. Ive got a thicker and broader jaw now and it makes me look very manly. Still cute.. but in a more twinkish way.

Progress Report

HAIR
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour

A few dark hairs around my nipples

BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only


VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL

MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.


SEX DRIVE
Still strong


Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being

OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..

Why me worry...

All that can be sad....

Im in Japan and pretty much doing all my blogging on youtube for the time being. Please look me up as user BLUEKINOKO

And a lasting recommendation...

http://whyvistasucks.blogspot.com/

Progress Report (among other things)

I went to see Dr Rosemary Jones at North Adelaide. She is a gynacologist, yay!
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...

Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!

I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.

I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.

I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.

I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.

Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.

HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!

VOICE
Gone high and raspy

MOOD
Im all good. No rage

SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T

Novacaine

I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.

Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.

I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.

In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..

Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.

Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.

I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.

Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.

I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.

I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.

---

Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.

I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.

I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.

People see what they want to see.

Progress Report

Was I always this macho?

Muscles
Yes, definately. I was looking at myself in the mirror and Ive got definition across my shoulders, pecs and abs.

Still have a fat ass though

Odor
Not so bad. Im making sure to keep myself clean and odor free.

Libido
High as usual for a teenage boy. However instead of walking around with a tent pole its more like Ive sprung a leak. So, this requires constant changing of underwear and extra attention in regards to hygiene in the shower.

Voice
Sexy. Has moments when its higher than usual. I have to keep an eye on my tone though because I was caught the other day talking like a girl.

Hair
This is starting to worry me a little. But I know its probably all in my head. There was talk about psych meds stunting facial hair growth (as a lot of men had reported) and it made me wonder if anti depressants count as psych meds and if thats the reason my facial hair seems to be decreasing.

Or maybe like I said, its all in my head.

Acne
Yep, im fine.
Maybe my brothers were just really gross and dirty


Other
Nooooo idea. Im passing as male 100% of the time.
I shaved my head and now look like eminem.


And here is another photo spam.. .just because its cute... and fucking hilarious!!!

Progress Report

My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.

Im horny (no change)

Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.

There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.

My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.

My face has a different shape to it.

Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.

No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.

Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.

Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)

Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.

The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.

I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])

I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.

I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.

In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.

And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.


July 2007




August 2008