So far...

Last night I went to Maslins with Clay at about midnight until 3am ish. That was interesting. The stars were amazing. The sex was good too.

However in the dark he made a ...misfire? and rammed himself up my ass unlubed (apart from my own, if that counts). The pain, oh god, the pain. Its like getting ice cold water poured on your naked skin. But instead of ice cold water.. its ice cold needles.

My body locked up as I let out this yell. He quickly withdrew (which isnt as relieving as youd think)

Its very conflicting because I can feel that Ive got a really hard erection when something is embedded in my ass.

I dont see why women detest ball sacks so much...I think they are cool and they feel nice.

If any of my friends read this btw,
If you speak to me about my girlfriend, you will face my wrath.

It seems just good manners if you hear bad news about someone and they havent told you personally yet, then they arent ready to talk about it or dont want to discuss it.

GOD my ass hurts...

My depressions now going for 10 or 11 days now? Im not sure.. Im so bad at counting days but its been over a week. And all this going out and talking to friends doesnt help. However if I stay home I get really annoyed.

Oh, I guess I should talk about my transition.

WElllllp,

Im never going to be a girl. And Im happy like that. Im happy with how my body is (despite the breasts, still want them gone).

A lot of this have moved around in my head and I guess I cant really type them all out because they are 'ways of looking at things' and despite all the people trying to, you can write out a view point.

I believe so anyway.

In regards to the psychothe-rape-me, Id like to quote GIRL INTERRUPTED .. (again)..

"you lie down, confess your secrets and you are saved! Ka-ching!"

I went to my last session and coughed up a few big dark secrets and he seemed really happy. He doesnt really give much of..advice.. or anything. He just sits and listens.. which is possibly what annoys me. Because I was under the assumption that Id be challenged or given some sort of homework or advice. You know, food for thought.

But Im left rather hungry and having to find my own conclusions.

Which is what I was doing anyway...
so just sign my surgery forms and let me be.

Another note that pops up in my mind is, what happens to the people who dont question themselves or try and find their own answers (Which surprisingly in this day and age, there are a LOT of!)? Do they just pay their money and move on without another thought to the fact that they payed some guy to sit and listen to them?

If you haven't noticed Im still bitter about not having top-surgery.
I think Im going to print off some legal papers showing that he doesnt have a reason to hold me in limbo and the surgeon Id like to have to do my surgery along with reasons why...

A new world

Rodders@ Who says I dont?

Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.

As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.

Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.

Sounds a little selfish.

Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)

At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)

For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.

However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.

My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.

I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.

When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.

Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.

Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.

While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...

Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)

And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)

So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.

Back in Action

Hello hello..

Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway

Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.

Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.

Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.

Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.

Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!

In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)

I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)

Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.

I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.

Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.

On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.

I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.

I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.

But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one

You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.

Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.

Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -

Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.

Urg.

Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me

><


Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.


Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)


BEFORE
(17 y/o)






AFTER
(About 9 months on T)

Progress Report

Hello. Im a day before departing Japan and heading back to my smoldering home.

I must admit Ive got mixed feelings. I miss my friends and a few Australian comforts but I know that there is a heap of crap waiting for me too. I dont particularly want to face my shrink.

I dont remember if I mentioned but as of this month the countdown begins on until when Im allowed to have surgery. The time frame was 2 years since joining the clinic.

Now you can understand why Im a little pissy. As Ive been seeing him since Feb 08 and was accepted onto the program in Nov 08 but the actual counting doesnt start until Feb 09 when I get back from my holidays. Its all justified I know and petty on my part but come onnnnnn!!! So yeh, I wont be able to get surgery until Im 21.

Which is a real kick to the gut as you can imagine (I was too naive, believing his origanal estimate of Nov 09).

The grounds for which are;
a) Im too young
b) Im a risk taking person (which is coupled with the borderline personality disorder)

which I dont think I have. I scoured over the articles on it on Wiki... and yeh... I dont really associate with it. Not enough to say `Thats definately it!`

The following thought is a little messy but.. isnt it kind of like double standards here? He wants to spend more time with me and delve more into my issues. Which means he doesnt really know me very well. However, he can say that he knows enough to bar me from getting surgery?

Another odd thing is he`s making assumptions (which can be blamed on me for not being honest) and using his assumptions or the half of the story he wants to hear as reasons for me being a risk.

I was given the option to go see another shrink. I dont know whether or not I should take it. Either way he will be on the gender clinic board and probably voting against me.

The other issue that has been bothering me is the limit we have on choice in regards to surgeons. Off the bat, Ill say thats scary. It scares me that there doesnt seem to be much room for discussing other options (interstate, international). I mean, its MY body we are talking about... I dont think anyone else should have the final say but me.

This lead me to think perhaps if I want to be serious, I should move. However this is expensive and rather dramatic for something so small and simple.

The other plot that I had in mind (which came to me after my shrink told me) that I can have surgery illegally without their permission (but itll make changing my gender later in life harder). BUT, would it be possible to have the surgery and just not tell anyone?

The requirements to change my gender demand that I have two forms of irreversible changes. Hormones being the first and top surgery being the second. But what if (as i would have had my breasts removed secretly) I had some sort of bottom surgery?

An interesting idea.
I think its a shame that someone would have to consider such an insane way around such obstacles in order to rid themselves of a deformity.

onto the progress report

HAIR
My leg hair has grown a lot an after a glance in the mirror, my ass has turned into some sort of forest.

Im also getting darker hairs around my nipples but not so much anywhere else

The hairs on my lips are thickening and multipling. I also have four black hairs on my chin, forming the most pathetic goatee in history. Side burns dont visibly exist but the hair around there is coarser.

Also, might be my imagination but my hairline maaaay be reciding!


FACE
Acne is bad but this is mainly attributed to diet. The Japanese food has really cleared up my skin

DEFINATELY my jaw has changed shape. Ive got a thicker and broader jaw now and it makes me look very manly. Still cute.. but in a more twinkish way.

Progress Report

HAIR
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour

A few dark hairs around my nipples

BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only


VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL

MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.


SEX DRIVE
Still strong


Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being

OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..

Why me worry...

All that can be sad....

Im in Japan and pretty much doing all my blogging on youtube for the time being. Please look me up as user BLUEKINOKO

And a lasting recommendation...

http://whyvistasucks.blogspot.com/

Progress Report (among other things)

I went to see Dr Rosemary Jones at North Adelaide. She is a gynacologist, yay!
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...

Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!

I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.

I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.

I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.

I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.

Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.

HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!

VOICE
Gone high and raspy

MOOD
Im all good. No rage

SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T