Bully ~ いじめ ~

I was bullied!

And I wanna tell you about it.

Today I needed to return to my old school (It is a high school, Junior high and a primary school in the same place so its very big. 1500 students). The year 12's (My friends) arent there. Exam week.

During exam week year 12s come and go. Picking up forms and work and other things. They dont wear uniform. So for these students who harrassed me I would have looked like a year 12. Actually, they didnt recognise me at all.

For all they knew I could have been an assistant teacher! (as one of the teachers did mistake me as today!)

I went to the computer room to type up some things and print them off. There is a special room full of computers that students doing study use. So I used that room.

Please note: I was wearing my binder. A Black Polo shirt. Jeans. The Chain connecting to my wallet to my jeans was hanging out in a gangsta fashion and I had sunglasses.

I took a seat by myself. There were three boys seated behind me. They wouldnt have had much of a glance at my face.

So I sat down and started to work. Thats when I heard one say loudly - "Holy shit that dudes a chick!!!"

And they started to laugh and giggled to each other. They talked about me in normal voices. Not whispers. So everyone in the small room could hear VERY clearly.

"She built like a guy. What the fuck"

"What the hell does she wanna be a fuckng guy or something?"

"Oh dude, a chain? Thats so out of fashion"

"Who the fuck is she anyway? Just some random off the street walking into our school?"

Then another boy entered the room. The three boys behind me called to him -

"Hey , That dude is a chick!!!"

"What the fuck?"

Actually, I respect the new guy who came in. His tone indicated that he thought his friends were being a little rude (which I think is an understatement).

Then lunch started and I had to head back to the staff room to talk to the teachers. As I walked I got some names called out to me. You know very unoriganal ones like - "Man-Woman"

You see, this is the crap that happened to me a lot during school. It reminded me how stupid this country is and this city is especially.

What does it matter that I look like a boy!!!
Is that a problem for them? Does it threaten them?
What are they scared that Im more masculine than they are? WHAT? What the fuck is it?

I was pretty furious and I wished that I was suicidal enough to kill them. And not just them, a lot of people at school. Like a columbine attack thing. I think its the only way this city will wake up and realise whats happening! We cant let this kind of thing happen!

I wanted to take some sort of action but I dont know what I can do. The only idea I had is maybe train to be a social worker or one of those kinds of peoples at the school. A special guest speaker to talk to the assholes about how bad it makes people feel and make them stop and realise what they are doing isnt right or 'cool' or anything.

I found my school (and I think it might not be restricted to only us) to be very.... narrow minded? I mean, if your gay that is no problem really. They just ignore it. They never addressed the issue at all. No support. Although technically 10% of the students there ARE gay. And even a teacher or two if Im not mistaken.

Our sex educaton class brushed over the topic and made a mockery of it by playing the SIMPSONS to explain the facts of 'that lifestyle'. Yes, because that helps, doesnt it.

Anyway, moving away from things that make me feel sick and angry. Onto something that just makes me feel sick.

Yes, My binder.

Its rolling up with avengence!!! Lol.
Im washing it at the moment. The hot summer has made me sweat and well, my binder smells. So Im washing it in the sick. Soaking it with some hand soap.

The problem Im finding that I thoguht I should report is that if Im eating a lot (Say Dinner :P ) my tummy expands. And with the binder doing its job so beautifully it pushes the bulk back. Which actually, isnt a good thing after all. It hurts and I get these weird winded kind of pains.

So just a word of warning to those of you buying binders.
If you are on the edge of the sizing chart do what T-Kingdom said... BUY THE BIGGER SIZE!!!
I was almost a M but foolishly got the S. So yeah... T-Kingdom werent shitting around with that suggestion!

So, I hope you all are healthy and happy. I hope to take some more happy snaps and post them up.

Love & Peace Brothers

Haircut

Yes, I finally got around to getting my hair cut. After boxing I had a shower and zipped up to the local shops (where they had a mens hairdresser).

Man, the difference between the mens and the womans is crazy. First of all you dont need to book. You just walk in and sit down. And the guy who was there was great. He didnt talk to me, just focused on my hair.

He pretty much did exactly what I asked... except for the sideburns thing. He completely obliterated my babies!!!!! I worked so hard to get them down there and in one small motion, BAM! GONE!




Sorry... not the best photos :)


Ok, binder troubles. Well, I can put my binder on in about 5-9 seconds. It doesnt itch very much anymore. Still rolls up. The best solution to that is tucking it into my underwear. It still rolls up.. but yeh..it doesnt get really out of control.

But Still it needs adjusting. I do this after I use the bathroom.

Gay Pride Parade

Today Adelaide had its Gay Pride parade and a gay friend of mine was flagging (google it) in the parade so I decided to go (along with some straight friends) for support.

After getting lost in the city (My fault) we found were the parade started. It planned to start at six but like we joked, they waited for us. So at around 20 past 6 the parade started.

Ive never seen so many gay people before.

Actually, Ive never really seen any gay people before.

There were so many people, all different kinds of people. It was amazing. And the energy!

We walked for like an hour. It was awesome. People were dancing and cheering and waving. I was totally awe struck!

I wore my badge I bought in Japan. It has a rainbow on it and underneth that it says "I dont even THINK straight!". I thought it was really cool and I finally had an opportunity to wear it!!!

I saw some drag queens so I got my photo taken with one of them. I was pretty happy.



My mother wasnt really happy about me going but she let me go. She was more concerned that I would be taken part in it. My friends and I did join the crowd and march with everyone...so is that taken part?

Oh well, she was kind enough to let me stay out until then.

I met another gay friend at the event (at the end of the parade there was a big party). We talked a little. Catch up and stuff. But most of the night I hung out with my friends and stuff like that.

Here are just some photos from the parade...and of me :)

Shower revelation

I get a lot of good thinking done in the shower. And today I had a thought I should publish here.

I was wondering about how I would explain how I feel about my identity issues to someone. And I came up with this.

Its like being given high heels to play soccer in. The wrong equipment to play the game.

What I mean is, for all the things about me, it would have been better if I was a boy. With my body, its an uphill battle and there are just some things I cant do. No matter how hard I train I can never be as strong as another male fighter. I cant make the family I want. I cant get married to the woman I love. I'll always have a social barrier with my brothers based on my gender.

I hate being reminded of how Im a gender-fraud, if you will. How Im inadequate.

My girlfriend accidently brought it up twice in the last 24 hours. One remark being about the bedroom (ouch). I feel physically sick from the anger and self-hate and then the hate directed at men in general for getting it easy.

So the question is - how can I deal with it?

The doctor

Im not really creative with titles am I? Oh well...

So today I went to the doctor. I was a little apprehensive of what man Id be talking to. He turned out to be great and I had no problems just being myself.

We discussed a lot of things. From what my mum was thinking to what Im thinking and just some medical things. Im going to have a blood test on Monday to see if I have abnormally high testosterone or something...Its not as bad as it sounds.

Ill be glad when we get to the bottom of this. Because not only is it helping the issue with my mother and I, my gender identity, it also is helping my annoying tourettes-like twitches!

Ill be glad to see the end of them!

In other news, My binder is irritating my skin a little. I just get a tad itchy and I dont know why. Also there were some brown marks on there (could have been my imagination!) so I decided I should wash it.

I used warm water and soap then rinsed with cold water. Washed by hand. Ive left it on the towel rack to dry overnight.

The bad thing Im finding (that everyone is telling you) is that its rolling up. And it hurts. I only just made the cut for the small (and please keep into account I magically gained a bit of pudgeyness all over during the course of the ordering) so the shirt is a pretty smooth fit (read:nail-bitingly tight) so when it rolls, it gets tighter.

Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (which delays the effect but yeh..just by minutes) and Ive also tried reverse-wearing. By which I mean, one day I wear it properly, then I reverse it and wear it in-side-out. I heard somewhere that it helps retain its shape.

And it also saves me from washing!

God, Im so gross :P

After the doctors I grabbed lunch and swung by a friends house. We chatted till dusk and it was awesome. We probably strolled about 6kms and ended up at another friends house.

My friend listened contently to things on my mind and gave her opinion on stuff (we talked about my mother forbidding me to go to my Graduation Formal because I was going to go in a Tuxedo). And I realised how lucky I am and that I should keep in mind more often that Im not cursed but blessed with a gift.

Mother and Son

My mother came into my room the other day and sat on my bed. I was having a bad day. Just a general depression and I had stayed in my room all day.

"What can I do for you?" She said

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She then proceeded to talk about seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist and asking me which one I'd like to talk to (she gave me names).

It seems she has been seeing a doctor and talking to a few people (one of them my Auntie, she is a psychiatrist) about this problem and what do with me.

I told her what my brother and father said. About how I should go to talk to someone who has experience in this situation (like a psychiatrist) who can then give me advice on how I can deal with situations that I may encounter (eg, depression, social rejection and discrimination etc..) and that my family could join me or go by themselves so they could also learn how to cope.

My mother said "Your brother means well but its not a good idea"

I cant help but feel she reallllllly wants me to grow out of this.

She then brought up again the "No one will love you" Arguement.

"No one will love you. Homosexual women want relationships with women. Hetrosexual women want relationships with men. You can satisfy any of them really can you? You'll be hurt"

I just said "I think thats not true. There are lots of people in the world and they fall in love with who ever they want".

I didnt want to use my girlfriend as an example (My mother doesnt really know I have a girlfriend). But yeah, she is a good example. She is hetrosexual. Good girl. Gets good grades. Loves her family. Is christian as far as I know. But hey, she fell in love with me! She loves me as a BOYFRIEND. My body isnt a problem for her.

And I know that there are other girls out there who think the same!

After that she told me about how from the ages of 13 - 17 she wished she was a boy and would dress like a boy and go fishing.

For a moment there I was like "Oh god, am I like her?! is it a faze?"

I dont know. I'll never be sure until Im older. But at the moment my thoughts are this -

I want a penis. That would be so cool.
I want a moustache. That would be so cool.
I want broad shoulders and muscles. That would be awesome.
I want a deeper voice. The one I have now is very deep but... its still high and it cracks sometimes :P

Ive always thought like this. But it was only last year or the year before when I heard about and researched a little about transexuals. And what made me think then "I couldnt do that" is that I want ALL or NOTHING.

Its either, Im a boy or a girl. I dont want to be bi-gender or gender neutral or whatever... Im tired of the "What are you?" question.

Ive decided I want to be seen as a boy. But...what does this mean? Its a little confusing. Isnt it. I just wanted to write it down, say it or whatever...

Anyway, yeah so Thursday (tomorrow!) I go to see the local GP who specialises in psychiatry. Ill talk to him about life and what not for 30 minutes.

If you want to comment on something - PLEASE DO!
I would love to hear your thoughts.

The friend that accepted my decision for this lifestyle kinda went back on that and we had another arguement. I didnt agree with a lot of what she said. But I do agree that I care too much about what people think and say about me.

She was saying that my decision is based on making others happy and not myself. I dont know if I agree.

To a certain extent, it is true.

My package

Yes my precious package arrvied!!!

A Binder from UNDERWORKS.

Im a rather large A Cup. My chest size is about 30 inches.

The binder size is a small.

This is what it looks like.




(Im sorry. I dont shave)

When I first put this on... It was hell. Serious hell. So tight. I couldnt get it over my shoulders. It would lock my hand above my head and there was no way I could step into it and slid it up from my legs to my chest.

In the end my friend came to the bathroom with me and pulled it over my shoulders for me.

The second time I put it on, it was ok. It wasnt as tight. Once I get my arms out the holes and its over my shoulders, it has rolled up and I have a lot of painful trouble trying to unroll it and pull it down. Ive got red rub marks under my arms from that.

And I do recommend you put talc powder on your body.

Me personally, I step into it and stretch it a little so its not too tight. I techincally should have gotten an M size (M size shirts were for 31 inches and up. I just missed the cut off but T-kindgom recommened getting the next size up).

Yes, it does roll up. Slowing from the bottom. The first day I wore it it didnt do it but now its doing it (today is day 3 of wear). Ive tried tucking it into my underwear (ew).

Im also a little itchy because of the shirt. Allergy to spandex? hahaha

I dont have a clear picture of me wearing a shirt and binder... but yes, the effect is very good. I noticed today when I woke up and was walking around without the binder and just a singlet underneath (a tight singlet was what I wore before a binder...that and lots of layers of t-shirts!)

The price for me in Australian dollars was almost 60 bucks including postage. Which I think it really good.

It arrived exactly 2 weeks after I ordered it.

What I have noticed is that Im very paranoid about the size of my chest!!! I realised that now with the binder Im not checking as often - "Are they visible? Can people see them clearly?!?!"
I have a little more confidence and I stand really straight now.

Its easy to breathe! It doesnt feel tight. Maybe the same feeling as wearing one of those Rash Shirts or whatever you call them. The thing that some surfers where... yeah...it feels like that.

Its not hot or uncomfortable. Im really satisfied with my purchase.

It beats sticky tape and ace bandages ;)