Queerer than Queer

Updatedness

2009-11-19T15:22:00.003+10:30

Nothing really to report. I havent grown anything or lost anything. Its all rather boring at the moment.

I want to cut my hair...but Ill wait until after the series of weddings next month to do it.

I must remember Im not one of those playdough men. If I cut my hair itll take a while to grow back.

IVe also been rather ill. I woke up with a migraine, vomiting followed. Next day, vomiting...followed by intense diarrhoea and the forecast is for the same.

I a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel (or my anus, whatever.) Its been 10 hours since Ive ejected anything.

Oh and I have a job now. Unfortunately its working outside in the heat.

Mistaken

2009-10-17T18:48:00.002+10:30

I was mistaken at the train station yesterday for a girl. Im wondering if it was because of my looks or because of the odd look I was giving!

This Metro worker was telling us to leave as they were closing up. And I was staring at him in a confused kind of way which he may have interpreted as offended. He quickly said, "oh, sorry, I mean ma'am"

Which prompted a face from me that was very much like o_O

"Oh, sir, sorry"

Then some other officials came over and joked that if we stayed to long we'd be sold on the streets. The same guy referred to me as the "pretty one" and made a comment that Id sell fast or something.

That was a blast from the past!

Anyway Waffles and I went a wandering around the city and I was snared by a drunken women who said I was very cute like a little teddy or puppy and she wanted to keep me.

I suppose that patched up my ego.

The hairs on my chin are getting dark and think but its still only a few that are. And its all under my chin! Very weird.

High Heels

2009-10-08T00:54:00.002+10:30

High heels...

NOT SEXY!

It shits me off to see women wearing them and it shits me even more to be stuck with a woman wearing them.

No human is suppose to wear them and do you know how annoying it is being with someone who cannot partake in normal activities, such as WALKING, because of the stupid choices of clothing they've made.

Young Gender Swappers

2009-09-30T16:11:00.002+09:30

I dont know how I feel about this. Its really difficult. It seems mainly boys are swapping genders at early ages. Ive only heard of one report about a girl doing it. No, wait, make that two.

I dont understand how kids became tearful. My gut tells me that that happened most likely from the grilling their parents gave them for details upon returning home.

It's cruel to say "No, you are too young to know what is best for you".
Because its both true and untrue. The degree of that varies depending on the case.

Which is why I'd agree on a case-by-case diagnoses.

Yeh, its really messy and I cant say much about it. Apart from, you cant completely deny them. If they are in distress then I think a blantant "no" isnt something parents should give.

In reference to the article, the school was a little stupid about just surprising everyone.

--

Progress news?
There is no news.

Oh, ive gotten fatter...

Updates

2009-09-16T17:45:00.002+09:30

Im trying to stay fit and healthy but its not working. I'll relapse every other day and have a bag of chips or something. Damn this crap being hard. Im shooting for 5kgs. Its a lot given how much I actually weight but I know Ill miss and lose only 2kgs or something so its all good.

Ive also got a amateur photo shoot coming up. I have been keeping my skin clean. Thats working out really well.

Ive stopped shaving my lip though because if i do, i seem to get a lot of acne.

The hair there isnt getting very thick still. Its rather wispy still.

2009-09-03T17:24:00.000+09:30

Death favours the man who laughs at his jokes.

The wonderous Marco

2009-08-23T16:39:00.001+09:30

It seems I opened up a new blog and whilst in the shower the cat decided to publish it for me... Cheers Marco.

Anyway I just wanted to pop in and mention again how weird it is for some of Mums friends to call me "He" and some to call me "She".

very amusing.

Oh and for the record my Mum still calls me "She". I think for the most part in public too.

More lively updates

2009-08-15T23:27:00.003+09:30

OMG, did I miss batman begins?!

I totally heart batman. I would have loved to see it ... again.

Well, I am allowed to take my Provisional Permit test in a short while (2 weeks?). I'm stalling. Im just so darn scared, ok?

Im definitely not good enough to do VORT (which is an instant test resulting 99.9% of the time in an instant fail). So I will be doing CBT (Competency Based Training). The Dealio there is you go out on a certain number of drives and complete a list of 'skills'. Each one having to be done twice in order to prove your competency.

Ive entered in a bunch of car competitions and other competitions too. All hoping I can buy me a set of wheels.

My mum suggested that I stop T now that I have my voice. I was like n0 F^
Moment to make fun though;
Period? Really? It's called a Period...Doesnt that strike you as amusing a little?

Sorry, for someone that had horrific 'periods' (and I know another reader can agree with me). They are not so much periods are they are an era.

Yeh thats not going to be something I sign up for in a hurry.

That and my beard hasnt fully set in yet
I know Im totally going to regret it with the pain of shaving but I just have always wanted one!

Just for randomness sake I'll put my measurements up.

Oh first did I mention that my dick is now like 3cm something? That's like a 1cm growth in a year.

w00t w00t! PROGRESS!

Ok, now onto stats

Waist 74cm 30" (was 28")

Bust 89cm 35" (no idea what I was...shall we say...not a lot?)

Shoulder 41cm 16" (was 14")

More uneventfulness

2009-07-28T20:03:00.004+09:30

Nothing is happening. Still no job.

Saw the new Harry Potter movie.
(Its improving from its previous slump of crap)

Listened to Interview with a Vampire by Anne rice (audiobook)
(It was crap)

Currently reading Lord of the Rings
(It's different... but possible crap too)

Gym is paying off as I have mentioned before. I look good. Or as Tony would say Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

My hair is getting long. My facial hair is still .. annoying and whispy.

I've got an interview tomorrow. God, I hope I get it. Its for one of those OnTheRun Subway places. Its close to my house (that's good!) but itll be night shifts (that's bad!) however it'll be good to be earning money (that's good!) but it means I'll be working in the food industry again (....that's bad)

PHOTO TIME!

As you can see Ive got some pecs now (under all the boobie fat..or Moobs as they are sometimes affectionately called). My shoulders are bigger.

Oh and be it known that Im embarrassed by both photos and it took a great deal of effort to put those feelings aside right now.

No news is good news

2009-07-07T19:52:00.002+09:30

I've got the shrink again next week.

Nothing had changed really. My facial hair is still, duh, getting thicker and darker. Ive got more and more black hairs now on my chin but they piss me off.

I had a hormone drop (I think) because I suddenly felt really depressed but now its lifting.

Im tempted to blame the moon (because it feels like its coincides) but I wiki'd it and there seems to be no correlation.

Love and Peace to you all!

While the cats away...

2009-06-07T22:56:00.002+09:30

Thanks for the kind words guys.

Dr Lyons went on in our last session that the only reason he only put me on the clinic because it'd be safer that letting me manage my own testosterone.

Which is a little against what he said the other time when surgery 'would have been in November [08]' .. or 09 .. i forget now.. anyway!

yeah so there seems to be these different dates and opinions coming out of the same mouth. Its... rather confusing.

My blood results came back and I have a Mid level for T and a high level (for a dude) of estrogen.

..but nothing seems to be being done about that.

When I got my injection it hurt in a different way. It felt ok to go in (which was the weird part) but this time it didnt burn down my leg, it hurt up my spine ish area. And I said "Ah, thats hurting"

and Rosie said "what kind?"
"burning. Like the pain when you have alcohol in a wound"
"Well, I use Iodine.. so maybe your just a wuss"

And its not the first time shes said such a thing to me. I get a little annoyed because its ... well, stupid dont you think?

Someone who has been oppressed by binary gender systems and a compulsory heterosexual society (ooo fancy words!) to then turn around and preach the same message.

Very odd.

But after I walked home pissed off I saw it from a different light.

We cant change the world to the way it should be (because I dont think we know yet how humans are 'suppose to be') so we have to do our best, which is, to conform.

So it seems to be the idea of the clinic that Im not trans and well, yeh its annoying I suppose. But I shrug at them... I know what I am.
I like what I am.

Oh some boasting here; all this gym work is paying off. Man I look Ho0o0OoT
Its just a damn shame I cant have chest surgery yet otherwise Id be parading around topless (more often).

Feeling Shaky

2009-05-20T20:20:00.004+09:30

I was feeling fantastic the other day. Ive been working hard at the gym and now my muscles are huge. My abs (which weren't well defined either) are now looking great.

Its been about 3 weeks since I signed up?...about that.

Came home and mum asked if Id talked to doctor lyons about reverting back to my female form (ahahahhaha). He said it is possible. But I dont feel comfortable about the idea. So Ive denied the financial assistance.

Out of the kindness of his heart, Dr Lyons also wiped my debt.

Anyway back to my mum. She said that she "wasnt convinced by what she's seen recently" that Im serious about what Im doing.

Analysing that the things Ice been 'doing recently' would be Clay and I pray to god that shes not referring to him and using him as a reason to why I shouldn't transition. For Safety's sake, I think I should stop having him over as much.

... apart from that I have no idea what shes talking about.

when I asked her to elaborate she said that even as a child I liked to shock people.

Thats true. I did.
As a practical joke.

Although I think this is kind of over the line, dont you think? And I find it offensive that people say this.

I do get a kick out of making crude jokes about my gender. But I don't like causing a fuss. The entire point of my transition was to stop standing out. Isnt that the goal? For most people anyway, to be able to blend in?

I reflected on my time in Japan when I first admitted I was trans and that I couldnt stand 'it' any longer.

My entire attraction to Japan and the Japanese is based around the messy gender-lines in their culture. I could be myself and there was no hassle. It was awesome. No matter how crazy I dressed or how long/short my hair was.. or anything like that I could still be androgynous and nobody gave a crap.

Gender wasn't something assumed by what you did or what you wore there.

It was a country of gray.

But at the same time is a place of conformity... very hard to explain. When I was asked to participate in.. the formal rituals of life. Schooling etc. I couldnt handle how rigid they were.

I couldnt wear a dress.
I couldnt handle the duties I was assigned.
I couldnt stand the social position I was forced to assume.

So yeh, I cracked.

I went a little off topic but what Im trying to say is that its offensive to think that Id deliberately ostracize myself just to grab attention.

I wish there was a way I could pour the pain and memories into a bottle to show them.
Of the times I tried to do 'what I should'.
Of the hours I spent on google, in books, watching movies... looking for someone! a character! or a word! Something that describe the reality I was experiencing.

My intense search though is probably something I should revisit. I remember 'Shinjuku boys' was a documentary I was searching for relentlessly. It was about these drag kings (I think one identified as Trans). Which sounded like what I was like... except I didn't want to get out of 'costume'.

Then I saw someones Vlog on Youtube and that was it. I feel like I was connecting.

----
Progress wise... the hair on the back of my legs has gone nuts. And my dicks gotten bigger again...Its cool I suppose to have a bigger dick but Im having a lot of trouble wanking. Yeh, there is probably a lot of awkwardness for friends who are reading this so Ill leave it there.

If a transguy is reading this.. have you used a flesh light? Whats the results?

Repression

2009-05-09T14:37:00.003+09:30

To save me re-writing a lot Ill just show you what I sent to the OZGUYS ftm forum.

-----

Hi, just so you dont have to listen to me go on about what my identity is and we can then get onto the good stuff Ill give you the short version.

- I don't deny I have female genitals
- I feel more comfortable in a male lifestyle
- I feel more comfortable with the sexual characteristics T has given me
- I look forward to chest surgery

My life as a girl was stressful and I felt like I was cross dressing.

Im deeply into the masculine side of femininity.
And somewhere on the effeminate side of masculinity.

Which brings me to my little...uh.. problem.

My mum has offered to pay for my Shrink on the condition that he start pushing me in the direction of making me female.

The money is tempting because I'm unemployed.

But does this stuff really work? Can they repress you like that?

I don't think the doctors FORCE you into any which way, they just listen to you and go "ok, we'll if you think its right for you then here you go."

Anyway, I'm just a little confused and need someone to bat the idea around with.

-----

Yeh, so that's what just happened. I don't remember how it came up but mum said she'd pay for me to go see Dr. Lyons 3 times a week (which is impossible as he works only 2 days a week). The condition is, as I stated in the letter, I be convinced to live as a girl.

Doctors cant ethically do that (as far as Im aware of). Because its a liability mainly.

Although it is tempting.

I seriously cant imagine my life as a girl. Or a lesbian. I couldn't handle that. I enjoy not being noticed!!!! I love looking normal.

Somehow I feel this is partly because of Clay. His frequent visits could possibly be giving Mum the idea that with his unknowing aid a straight-female-lifestyle could be a reality.

Moments like this make me reflect on the path Ive been cutting for myself. Then I look ahead at the track yet to be beaten. I wonder if I could be doing something more effective with this machete?

Ebay Mania

2009-05-06T21:32:00.003+09:30

Im getting hooked.

Ive been selling some school uniforms on there (who would have thought there was such a market for used Japanese Girls' Uniforms? .. oh and if you are wondering Im selling a 14y/olds uniform now PM me for a special deal!!!!)

I also was hooked into buying some Aussie Bums underwear. The name hooked me, really. The only qualms I have with buying the dacks is that they are from Hong Kong.

Yes, Im very much against this 'made in china' crap. I dont want them getting the upper hand!

Anyway, so I managed to get me a good pair of blue aussie bums and another red pair for under 10 bucks. Ill be passing the red pair onto Waffles though because he was hawking the auction too. I just beat him to the punch.

In transitioning news... not a lot.
I missed my appointment with Dr Lyons and now most probably have to pay the $200+ fee. And I have to purchase my sustanon soon (another 200+ ). Eek.

Ive been saving up for it though so I hope it all pans out. The selling of my collection on uniforms is probably paying for the most of it.

What a bitching blog.. urg...
well, nothing interest happens anymore.

Oh I used the male toilets when I was with my mum shopping. I thought, I shouldnt have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life. As I went in though she uttered a 'disgusting'.

In 17 days Ill be taking another pregnancy test to see if any of those bastards have gotten through. I doubt it.

Annnnnd, Ive got an appointment with my Gyno which I must remember to ask her about those damn cysts!

Dreams

2009-04-27T15:26:00.003+09:30

I keep having these weird dreams every few months or so that I get chest surgery. I think i mentioned that before. But in all these dreams, its only on one side.

And it doesnt seem to bother me :P

I wonder why its only one side though. I think its usually the right side that I fix.

Almost 10 months on T

2009-04-27T15:04:00.002+09:30

Yeh and the facial hair is starting to kick in some more. The hair around the side burny area has thickened up and is getting the occasional dark hair.

Im thinking about writing a book at the end of all this. A comedy of course.
Or perhaps doing some stand up event. But, not having a good history with mobs.. i might pass on that idea.

Im in the process of growing my hair out. Im allowed to cut it (for styling only) in October. Which, from the time I last shaved it, would mean it should have on average grown atleast 11cm.

Remarkable!

Did I say i got my Ls? Yeh back in Feb/Early March. I try and do as much driving as possible... but the fact is its just not possible.

Under the current laws I have to do 50 hours driving and 10 of that has to be at night. Then, after 6 months Im allowed to do the test for the Ps.

Ive been warned that Ill be used as a chauffeur. And I dont really mind.
I mean, Ive always wanted to kill you all but to have you willingly say "yes, please let me sit in the death seat!"

Well!...
Im just elated!

So just a general warning to all those in my area who live, walk, learn, work, watch Home&Away .. I might run you down.

My dick seems to be getting bigger... which is surprising me because I thought that was it. Im interesting in buying the Andro Extender. Its a penis enlarger that actually works! Lol.

No in all seriousness, this thing has been getting a fantastic wrap. And I think I read it was going to be used in the medical field for people with micropenis (note: my condition is called pipinna nullus)

The catch is its $300.
And with that same money I could buy me a suit^^

The irony being both things are, in the end, purchases made out of glutton. I dont need either and could put that money towards paying rent .. or better yet! my education!

HAHAHAHA

Who am I kidding.

Work

2009-04-02T13:52:00.002+10:30

Ive logged on with Jobsearch which is the new name for the doll. But Ive violated my conditions. Apparently I had to be there everyday but to my understanding I thought I just had to do my hours over 2 weeks.

My fault for being so sleepy when I went to the first induction.

Jobs are far and few between. Ive applied to everything Id like, a few things that I dont like and mostly jobs Im qualified for.

Its been 3 weeks of daily searching.. which has resulted in two offers.
Illusive Cube.
Which I thought sounded really good but I googled it and people were saying its a scam.

and....

porn...

Ive got 2 dollars in my bank account and I dont have a valid bus ticket so that last option is starting to look really good.

So far...

2009-03-28T17:00:00.003+10:30

Last night I went to Maslins with Clay at about midnight until 3am ish. That was interesting. The stars were amazing. The sex was good too.

However in the dark he made a ...misfire? and rammed himself up my ass unlubed (apart from my own, if that counts). The pain, oh god, the pain. Its like getting ice cold water poured on your naked skin. But instead of ice cold water.. its ice cold needles.

My body locked up as I let out this yell. He quickly withdrew (which isnt as relieving as youd think)

Its very conflicting because I can feel that Ive got a really hard erection when something is embedded in my ass.

I dont see why women detest ball sacks so much...I think they are cool and they feel nice.

If any of my friends read this btw,
If you speak to me about my girlfriend, you will face my wrath.

It seems just good manners if you hear bad news about someone and they havent told you personally yet, then they arent ready to talk about it or dont want to discuss it.

GOD my ass hurts...

My depressions now going for 10 or 11 days now? Im not sure.. Im so bad at counting days but its been over a week. And all this going out and talking to friends doesnt help. However if I stay home I get really annoyed.

Oh, I guess I should talk about my transition.

WElllllp,

Im never going to be a girl. And Im happy like that. Im happy with how my body is (despite the breasts, still want them gone).

A lot of this have moved around in my head and I guess I cant really type them all out because they are 'ways of looking at things' and despite all the people trying to, you can write out a view point.

I believe so anyway.

In regards to the psychothe-rape-me, Id like to quote GIRL INTERRUPTED .. (again)..

"you lie down, confess your secrets and you are saved! Ka-ching!"

I went to my last session and coughed up a few big dark secrets and he seemed really happy. He doesnt really give much of..advice.. or anything. He just sits and listens.. which is possibly what annoys me. Because I was under the assumption that Id be challenged or given some sort of homework or advice. You know, food for thought.

But Im left rather hungry and having to find my own conclusions.

Which is what I was doing anyway...
so just sign my surgery forms and let me be.

Another note that pops up in my mind is, what happens to the people who dont question themselves or try and find their own answers (Which surprisingly in this day and age, there are a LOT of!)? Do they just pay their money and move on without another thought to the fact that they payed some guy to sit and listen to them?

If you haven't noticed Im still bitter about not having top-surgery.
I think Im going to print off some legal papers showing that he doesnt have a reason to hold me in limbo and the surgeon Id like to have to do my surgery along with reasons why...

A new world

2009-03-21T01:37:00.003+10:30

Rodders@ Who says I dont?

Well, it seems to be a new world or a very late new year for me.

As of about 2 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that Im a horrible person who doesnt understand monogamy and definitely needs time to grow up and stop being an ass to everyone is his life *gasping deep breath*. So yah.

Which is a darn shame because I do love her. Its just hard to keep your own head above water without someone else hanging onto your feet with all their baggage too.

Sounds a little selfish.

Last week I also got myself sickeningly drunk. (you know, to the point were you vomit in your sleep?)I was lucky enough to be woken up and given a seconds notice before staining my sheets a very nice shade of purple (no sarcasm intended!)

At the moment Im currently sort of seeing this guy whom I shall refer to as Clay. Hes about 23 and freaking huuuuuuuuuuuuge! ... in height that is. But no complaints, definitely, anywhere else. Hes a great guy and a delight to talk to. And I feel a little guilty that he has to be the guy that Im using to define my sexuality. (yes, Im a slow learner)

For some reason I have this need every now and again to have sex with guys.

However, when I do have sex with men I find it (usually) unsatisfying. Clays had his moments though so there is hope yet.

My obsession seems to be with the penis and Im finding myself thinking what a shame that it has to be attached to a man. I mean, I just love soft sparkly abundantly breasted women too much. Vaginas are ok.. but dicks are just cool.

I love playing with it, the taste of cum and doing whatever to keep it hard 'n' happy.

When Im 'at work' is the only time Ill get horny with a guy.

Mmm, a little random but Im yet to have a male-male sexual experience that tops my memories of when my now-ex-girlfriend and I fucked around with our gender and she got to be on top.

Ill tell you, nothing feels better than being pounded by a gorgeous girl while you play with her jiggling tits.

While Im on the topic of grossing you out, Ive got a friend who gives excellent head. She refuses to give me her secret which is a shame because thats knowledge that could be put to use for the good of all tranny-kind! Oh and shes got massive jugs. I dont know why thats important though...

Oh wow, Ive really gotten off topic. So lets summerise and continue.
Im single.
Ive cut back on my drinks.
Im trying to 100% certify my sexuality ('cause i feel my gender is all set)

And Im also trying to improve my personality, people skills and get in touch with my feelinh (no, no, dont be confused between feelings and ur 'feminine side'. Im going to start listening to my heart... not rampage around and expect all to be forgiven because of a three letter acronym)

So Ive got a long road ahead of me. But I hope at the end of it Ive succeeded.

Back in Action

2009-03-16T01:00:00.004+10:30

Hello hello..

Hi Rodders, nice to hear from you.
And hello to Marcus. Thanks for your advice, I hope to hear from you again.
... and I think I might actually know who you are...but anyway

Recent Issues in my life include:
Nothing.
Nothing interesting is happening to me. I suppose I dont mind.

Im Job hunting (with no luck) thats about it.

Yes, Im still dating my girlfriend Ash.. that seems to be a common question. Its going to be 2 years in July or something.. I never remember anniversary stuff.

Im focusing on building a great body, keeping healthy (I refuse to jog or walk. Both, I detest!) and trying to fix my posture. Generally, Im doing an overall body polish up.

Ive been off the anti depressants for a while and Im feeling ok. Getting down every now and again but last week and tonight have to be the worst. I attribute them to my relapse into the female hormones. damn them!

In progress news, I now shave my upper lip because it really should be done. Lest I become 'hair lip steve' (family guy joke)

I got my L's a few weeks back. Ive been driving a lot (for those who live near me, have you noticed the path of destruction?)

Today I woke up with something that felt a lot like period cramps. Ive been having them off and on, even pre T. What Ive gathered is that these can be caused by cysts on the ovaries (which I have). I suppose I can endure the pains opposed to ripping my insides out but I guess this is something to discuss with the gynecologist.

I was born in NSW but have lived here since I was about 2 or 3. For some reason I thought that meant I was then to follow the laws in regards to changing gender in SA. I hope that I was right, otherwise (as far as I am aware) Ill have to get two forms of surgery.

Its kind of sad, I suppose a sign of the times, but the only reason I want to change my gender is so that my Reandron becomes cheaper. Otherwise I really couldnt give a shit about that little F printed on the computer screens or on the government forms.

On the topic of chest surgery (I think Ive mentioned this before) I will miss my breasts. Not exactly in a fond way but in the same way as when you rearrage the furniture in your house and you keep expected to trip over that same footstool only to remember that you moved it.

I cannot picture what my chest will look like after surgery. I know I wont regret it. Amazingly, no matter how much I fuck up my life I dont feel regret or remorse. Its only when my decisions start to hurt others that I do. But it will take some getting use to.

I feel a pressure from my Shrink to adhere to 'gender norms'. As a guy I should talk to more guys. Have guyish hobbies. Be a man. Get some balls.

But the fact of the matter is, Im not a guy.
Nor was I raised as one.
Nor will I ever be one

You can stamp, snip and sign whatever you like - It wont be true ... for me.

Im a social evolution that can be assimilated to a gay man in character.
I posses both male and female 'social' traits.

Sorry, this will turn into a massive rant.
I know its my fault for letting a comment get to me thus Im justifying my actions out loud here -

Gender, like all other aspects of humanity, is a never ending variety
To categorise or divide it would be like organising snowflakes.

Urg.

Half the people in the world are insane,
Why am I paying for someone to judge me

><

Oh, and Ive grown out of my binders.. if anyone is looking for an M sized Underworks binder let me know.

Some before and after photos as well.. (I dont want to show you the actual photos from my progress folder. Thats a little embarrassing)

BEFORE
(17 y/o)

AFTER
(About 9 months on T)

Progress Report

2009-02-15T22:32:00.002+10:30

Hello. Im a day before departing Japan and heading back to my smoldering home.

I must admit Ive got mixed feelings. I miss my friends and a few Australian comforts but I know that there is a heap of crap waiting for me too. I dont particularly want to face my shrink.

I dont remember if I mentioned but as of this month the countdown begins on until when Im allowed to have surgery. The time frame was 2 years since joining the clinic.

Now you can understand why Im a little pissy. As Ive been seeing him since Feb 08 and was accepted onto the program in Nov 08 but the actual counting doesnt start until Feb 09 when I get back from my holidays. Its all justified I know and petty on my part but come onnnnnn!!! So yeh, I wont be able to get surgery until Im 21.

Which is a real kick to the gut as you can imagine (I was too naive, believing his origanal estimate of Nov 09).

The grounds for which are;
a) Im too young
b) Im a risk taking person (which is coupled with the borderline personality disorder)

which I dont think I have. I scoured over the articles on it on Wiki... and yeh... I dont really associate with it. Not enough to say `Thats definately it!`

The following thought is a little messy but.. isnt it kind of like double standards here? He wants to spend more time with me and delve more into my issues. Which means he doesnt really know me very well. However, he can say that he knows enough to bar me from getting surgery?

Another odd thing is he`s making assumptions (which can be blamed on me for not being honest) and using his assumptions or the half of the story he wants to hear as reasons for me being a risk.

I was given the option to go see another shrink. I dont know whether or not I should take it. Either way he will be on the gender clinic board and probably voting against me.

The other issue that has been bothering me is the limit we have on choice in regards to surgeons. Off the bat, Ill say thats scary. It scares me that there doesnt seem to be much room for discussing other options (interstate, international). I mean, its MY body we are talking about... I dont think anyone else should have the final say but me.

This lead me to think perhaps if I want to be serious, I should move. However this is expensive and rather dramatic for something so small and simple.

The other plot that I had in mind (which came to me after my shrink told me) that I can have surgery illegally without their permission (but itll make changing my gender later in life harder). BUT, would it be possible to have the surgery and just not tell anyone?

The requirements to change my gender demand that I have two forms of irreversible changes. Hormones being the first and top surgery being the second. But what if (as i would have had my breasts removed secretly) I had some sort of bottom surgery?

An interesting idea.
I think its a shame that someone would have to consider such an insane way around such obstacles in order to rid themselves of a deformity.

onto the progress report

HAIR
My leg hair has grown a lot an after a glance in the mirror, my ass has turned into some sort of forest.

Im also getting darker hairs around my nipples but not so much anywhere else

The hairs on my lips are thickening and multipling. I also have four black hairs on my chin, forming the most pathetic goatee in history. Side burns dont visibly exist but the hair around there is coarser.

Also, might be my imagination but my hairline maaaay be reciding!

FACE
Acne is bad but this is mainly attributed to diet. The Japanese food has really cleared up my skin

DEFINATELY my jaw has changed shape. Ive got a thicker and broader jaw now and it makes me look very manly. Still cute.. but in a more twinkish way.

Progress Report

2008-12-25T17:36:00.002+10:30

HAIR
I shaved. The hair is coming back. It feels scratchier than usual. I havent really had time to look in the mirror and see the colour

A few dark hairs around my nipples

BREASTS
Small. Down to the tissue only

VOICE
sometimes its hell deep.. sometimes not so much.
STILL

MOOD
Depressed.
terribly depression.
this is insane.
I want to throw my head infront of the subway train.

SEX DRIVE
Still strong

Mr WINKY
Stoppped growing for the time being

OTHER
Im getting gut pains every now and again. It might be my paranoia but I think that it feels like period pain which puts me in a massive panic.
Ive also been having dreams about my period..

Why me worry...

All that can be sad....

2008-12-05T03:17:00.002+10:30

Im in Japan and pretty much doing all my blogging on youtube for the time being. Please look me up as user BLUEKINOKO

And a lasting recommendation...

http://whyvistasucks.blogspot.com/

Progress Report (among other things)

2008-11-06T10:53:00.002+10:30

I went to see Dr Rosemary Jones at North Adelaide. She is a gynacologist, yay!
Also an MTF, yay!
We talked for what seemed like forever and I liked her a lot.
Then we had the psychical exam and yeh... fuck, ow...

Ive got to have a series of more tests and then Ill be getting my injection next friday or tuesday or something (Ive written it down in my wallett). .so yeh, that ought to be great!! I get another dose of reandron just before I hop on the plane for Japan!

I also met Dr Lyons on Tuesday and was asked if I would like to join the gender clinic (and be able to legally start transitioning). But the condition was Im not allowed to have any surgery for 2 years and that 2 years starts from Febuarary. He also wants me to see him monthly (which he added that if i was serious, I should see him weekly). Naturally, I felt this was all complete bullshit and was outraged as at the last session he'd said that it would be possible to have surgery by September next year.

I told Dr Lyons that I want him to be honest and not withhold anything which he said that he didnt. I believed that and, interestingly enough, the next day when I talked to Dr Jones (who also attended the Gender Meeting) she said that it is soley the psychiatrists decision on when Im allowed to have surgery. Where as, Dr Lyons had been painting it as the majoirty of the Gender Meeting had advised him on his decision.

I suppose its not lying, but it is deceptive.
Yeh, I dont like him.

I was told that I have to see soley him in regards to any medicine Im taking (anti depressants) and he will handle all of it.

Then, in true self destructive borderline personality style, I went to my brothers house (so Id been closer to the doctor whom I had to see early the next morning) and got completely smashed with my brother. Which meant I was hung over for my appointment.

HAIR
Im letting it all grow.
My body is still slowly getting hairier. It seems to come and go in focus points. This week its the belly button again!

VOICE
Gone high and raspy

MOOD
Im all good. No rage

SEX DRIVE
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Mr WINKY
According to Dr Jones, Im a big boy for my time on T

Novacaine

2008-10-29T14:44:00.003+10:30

I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.

Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.

I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.

In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..

Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.

Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.

I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.

Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.

I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.

I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.

---

Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.

I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.

I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.

People see what they want to see.

Progress Report

2008-10-22T12:46:00.003+10:30

Was I always this macho?

Muscles
Yes, definately. I was looking at myself in the mirror and Ive got definition across my shoulders, pecs and abs.

Still have a fat ass though

Odor
Not so bad. Im making sure to keep myself clean and odor free.

Libido
High as usual for a teenage boy. However instead of walking around with a tent pole its more like Ive sprung a leak. So, this requires constant changing of underwear and extra attention in regards to hygiene in the shower.

Voice
Sexy. Has moments when its higher than usual. I have to keep an eye on my tone though because I was caught the other day talking like a girl.

Hair
This is starting to worry me a little. But I know its probably all in my head. There was talk about psych meds stunting facial hair growth (as a lot of men had reported) and it made me wonder if anti depressants count as psych meds and if thats the reason my facial hair seems to be decreasing.

Or maybe like I said, its all in my head.

Acne
Yep, im fine.
Maybe my brothers were just really gross and dirty

Other
Nooooo idea. Im passing as male 100% of the time.
I shaved my head and now look like eminem.

And here is another photo spam.. .just because its cute... and fucking hilarious!!!

Progress Report

2008-10-07T01:13:00.008+10:30

My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.

Im horny (no change)

Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.

There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.

My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.

My face has a different shape to it.

Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.

No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.

Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.

Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)

Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.

The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.

I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])

I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.

I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.

In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.

And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.

July 2007

August 2008

Progress Report

2008-09-23T16:57:00.002+09:30

Its been 1 week on the new drugs (yay! drugs!) and Ive had no adverse side-effects and the injection site was healed and painless less that 24 hours later.

I have been very much in the mood to be active (Read: Beat the crap out of someone) and apart from that and my awful body odor there have been no changes.

I shaved my peach fuzz off.

Reandron

2008-09-18T22:46:00.002+09:30

The latest T. Drug to rock our worlds. Alex here to give you the inside scoop on what the FTM community has to say.

"Ive had 2 periods now and keep getting migraines......and the worst part of it is that the endo didnt say that this might happen. I really wasn't informed about the possibility of my periods coming back...which after 6 months of not having them
has just made me hit rock bottom, like all the progress id been making
is back to zero.
"

And pretty much its been a negative impression all-round.

Unfortunately the packaging doesnt say anything about the adverse affects on FTMs (this generation is still the lab rats, its seems). So what it does entail is the possibility of water retention, rashes, the runs, headaches and such. Which admittedly is similar to the sustanon.

Im happy to deal with all of the above but not my period. I stand by my decision though. Ill keep the world updating on how it all pans out.

Oh and Ill be starting antidepressants (Same as last time) as of tomorrow.

Weirdest looking boy I've ever seen

2008-09-12T17:02:00.003+09:30

I felt really down since about 9:30am this morning. As usual I was comparing myself to my girlfriend's lastest ex- ..err.. ex-fuck? Anyway, the last guy she fucked that wasnt me. And yeh, compared to that guy I feel really incompetant. The fact that he's 25 also gives him a good head start on everything.

Umm. Im trying to explain my feelings logicly but it doesnt work because feelings arent logic.

I dont like bio-males. I feel in competition. One that Im bound to lose. And its not just my body that I feel is getting me down but its my mind.

Ive gotten scatter-brained I guess. My world was completely destroyed last year. I lost goals, I lost the things I loved (my hobbies) and as a result of my own stupid actions I cut the thin ties I had with my family.

So Im ..without a ground-level (Im referring to the pyramid thing to reach self actualisation).

Anyway, so after trying to pick myself up (after picking myself apart) I got home and felt terrible. Advice from a friend reminded me that all problems I have stem from the inability to accept and love myself.

Then I went to return a video with my mum and she (on the topic of me going to work in the mines) out right said "You cant go there because you'll just get raped". It was a real quick sentence that hit me like a pie to the face.

I just dont see myself as the type that every guy wants to plow. Seeing as there are a handful of women up there who would be better raping material. That and Im freakishly strong. Muahaha.

So, yeh my mum quickly went on to spit that I couldnt stay in the mens dorms nor the womens dorms. "You've messed yourself up. You just dont fit in anywhere".
*cue silence inwhich I pray for some sort of miracle that would correct me into any gender norm*

After dropping off the video I came back to my room to feel bad. I wanted to cry so bad but I let it stay in (something I find very easy to do with the lack of girly hormones in my system ^^). I stripped off my shirt and looked at my red-eyed half-naked self in the mirror.

My reflection is so interesting. Because its half of what I see and half of what everyone else must see. Ive got this boyish body. Its beautiful. I think so.

And then Ive got breasts.
Like god misplaced my ball sack.
Its really weird.

And it made me laugh.
Im the weirdest looking boy Ive ever seen.
But Im still a boy

Progress Report

2008-09-04T11:21:00.002+09:30

I had my make-up shot of T yesterday and to change the pace a little - Asuka gave it to me.

The most terrifying moment Ive ever experienced.
By far.

I kind of swithced between two personalities. One that was calm and trying to tell Asuka that she will do a fantastic job and the other which was a panicked mess. And you cant blame me!
Here I was at the mercy of my syringe-brandishing girlfriend. Isnt that how most murder stories begin?????

As soon as she aimed it into my muscle I became very interesting in a poster on the wall. For the life of me though I cannot remember what it was talking about but in that instant it was the only thing in my world.

And then it was over. I hardly felt a thing. She did a fantastic job, really!
I was alive!
The hard part was over! YAY!

So we went on our way to the shops after that and I took a seat while Asuka went to the bathroom. In hindsight I should have gone too.
Because as soon as I sat down to rest my stressed body, the urine I had been holding in while I was being injected suddenly gushed out.

I could explain in detail but pretty much how it happened was I wet myself while getting the needle (only a little!!!) and it had been kept inside my body until Id sat down...

So what an interesting end to a lovely day.

Progress Report

2008-09-01T18:42:00.003+09:30

I went to hospital to get an adjustment on my binder. The lady redid the measurements and she was surprised. She was like "How did I make such a mistake with the measurement!?"

It turns out that Ive grown all over about 2cms on average. Even my shoulders have grown which baffled her the most.

My voice is going up and down its depressing.

My period has stopped which Im thrilled. And because of the blood test I had to miss my shot. So Im panicked that its gonna start back up again. But I think I mentioned that before.

Progress Report

2008-08-27T19:43:00.002+09:30

Well, I had an appointment with the shrink aaaaand I told him that Ive being taking T. from elsewhere. He laughed and told me I was a 'naughty boy'. Then I corrected him, pointing out 'manipulative' would possibly be better.

Annnnnyway, so he gave me a piece of paper saying I have to go get a blood test. The results would then be sent to either an endo(some sort of specialist) or a gyno.

Me: ...

The gyno is apparently a MTF and she is very careful with her work and make sure that Im 100% fit and ready before clearing me for the T.

The endo on the otherhand doesnt want much to do with me. And is closer.

I chose the gyno because contray to popular belief, Im not a moron - I have to keep a check on my 'manhole' (the new word for my vagina). So she'll give me a papsmear and crap like that. Joy.

The results of the bloodtest will also be sent to my GP (who gave me a lovely yet graphical tutorial on 'bathroom mechanics' much to the embarrassment of my girlfriend). Oh and he also gave me a pen. SCORE!

Because of my bloodtest tomorrow morning I will not be having my injection today. Shame.
And now it occured to me why dont I just do it tomorrow night or something? Duh.

So, in regards to bodily changes my period hasnt come which is both joyous and scary.

And in closing, my mother says Im 'sex-crazed'.
So, its obvious she knows so why bother keeping it down?

Progress Report

2008-08-14T19:47:00.002+09:30

Its been 9 weeks which is about 2 and a bit months. How lovely. I thought it was time for a special review so this one will be covered by Asuka who shall do the 'non paranoid' version of my progress.

The last time she saw me was March 2008 and she arrived in late July (T.Day was early June so practically a month later)

Here is her story
*LAW AND ORDER MUSIC*

Asuka: Lower. Especially in the morning. When you try to shout or when you try to use your voice higher it breaks *she kindly demonstrates* ... like that. Your voice is lower than Waffle.

Asuka: Moustache. A little bit. Ummm... but you shaved...hehehehehe

Asuka: Your hair colour has changed....is that because of...?
Alex: ....
Asuka: ... (^^!)

Asuka: MUSCLES! Is it because you worked hard?
Alex: I didnt work so much on them.
Asuka: Liar, you did it for me, because I like it. I give you my kiss *Kiss*

Asuka: Penis!! Thats the biggest thing
Alex: *Enjoys the pun*
Asuka: And hairy...not just there. LOL
Alex: Do you like my dick?
Asuka: Yeh, if I said no, then its a problem.
Alex: Meh.

Asuka: Your boobs havent changed yet.
Alex: Mmmm...fufufu
Asuka: OH! You smell !! Your armpits! Especially! Smells like....a guy...who belongs to a sports club. Yep.

Asuka: Your body hasnt changed. Like your figure. Parts are changing.
Asuka: Oh yes! Adams apple! Its bigger than before. You already had it huh :P Anyway, what else....

Asuka: I thought youd eat a lot, but you dont..so.. oh..you are always horny. Especially in the morning. Like, guys..*she was a little disgusted when she said that*. Its not bad...ummm....you orgasm quicker. .. and a lot... more than me...hehehe. Ok.. thats all.

-------

And there you have it.
Love and Cheese is better than Cake or Death

Progress report

2008-08-11T00:15:00.003+09:30

Yeh, if it was a girl then that would be fine. I find it less insulting because the rule "Cant hit a girl" applies there. But the person who bullied me in the supermarket was a boy.

I wear steel capped shoes and spent most of my life in some sort of martial arts training and yet I cant kick someones ass. ... lets rephrase, I can - thats a fact and I have. I just dont often get into fights and naturally avoid them.

HAIR
I dont know what the fuck is going on with my chin. One day there is hair, the next day its gone. The stuff on my chin is good.

OTHER
I have an adams apple, I swear. Its just gotten bigger.
And according to Asuka my dick has gotten a little bigger (Since she arrived) but that is totally debatable.

SEX DRIVE
Im satisfied so no problem

Progress Report

2008-08-06T22:26:00.004+09:30

Hair
More and more.. but still now visible unless you are sitting under my nose. Asuka says when I kiss her she can feel it scratching her face.

Body Odor
Probably settled a little bit. I wash but smell as soon as I get out of the shower so Ive given up and am inveseting in deoderants.

Sex drive
Ive been having sex everyday so frankly.. Im having more than enough.

Other
My period is coming I think and I just cant handle it. It seems that before it starts I seem more female than any other time. When I look in the mirror I can see it. It scares me and I dont want to go outside. I realise that this is exactly what I was like since I was 13. I despise the girl I see.

I was bullied the other day in the supermarket by someone who use to go to my old school and recognised me. Infront of my girlfriend it was rather humiliating to stand there and have my dignanty crushed.

That was a wake up call that Im not a man to some people.
I dont think I can handle things at the moment so Im considering returning to anti-depressants.

You know what's funny? Danny and I never saw little blue men. We see shadow people. Has anyone else seen them?

Progress Report

2008-07-21T16:21:00.003+09:30

VOICE
I just did some scales. I seemed to have dropped an entire octave (for the time being). My previous vocal range was B3 to E5 where as now Im looking at B2 to D#4

HAIR
I have black hairs on my upper lip!! Im so happy! There are about 4 and they are on the right side. I called the biggest one Dave. :)

Tummy is getting hairier and its going not only down towards my groin but a little is going up towards my chest.

*fingers crossed* please no chest hair, please no chest hair.

OTHER
Breasts havent changed btw... and body fat hasnt changed...

S.A UNIT again...

2008-07-19T19:45:00.004+09:30

More discussion on Dr. Lyons and the WPATH SOC which is the 'handbook' for medical standards when treating FTM patients and MTF patients.

Yet again we'll be hearing from the User Maddfish.
I'll be bolding things of interest to myself.
---

Well, I guess I'm only talking about SA, which does have the "one and
one only option" thing happening to a huge degree...

I quote from the WPATH SOC

XI. Breast Surgery

For female-to-male patients, a mastectomy procedure is usually the first
surgery performed for success in gender presentation as a man; and for
some patients it is the only surgery undertaken.
When the amount of breast tissue removed requires skin removal, a scar
will result and the patient should be so informed. Female-to-male
patients may have surgery at the same time they begin hormones (1).

XII. Genital Surgery
Eligibility Criteria. These minimum eligibility criteria for various
genital surgeries equally apply to biologic males and females seeking
genital surgery. They are:
1. Legal age of majority in the patient's nation;
2. Usually 12 months of continuous hormonal therapy for those without a
medical
contraindication (see below, "Can Surgery Be Performed Without Hormones
and the Real-life Experience");
3. 12 months of successful continuous full time real-life experience.
Periods of returning to the original gender may indicate ambivalence
about proceeding and generally should not be used to fulfill this
criterion;
4. If required by the mental health professional, regular responsible
participation in
psychotherapy throughout the real-life experience at a frequency
determined jointly by the patient and the mental health professional.
Psychotherapy per se is not an absolute eligibility criterion for
surgery;
5. Demonstrable knowledge of the cost, required lengths of
hospitalizations, likely
complications, and post surgical rehabilitation requirements of various
surgical
approaches;
6. Awareness of different competent surgeons.

--- In OzGuys@yahoogroups.com, Al wrote:
>
> >could have got less scar tissue and
> >probably kept nipple sensation if I lived overseas
>
> It might be a good time to remind new guys there are three surgeons in
Perth doing various techniques not to mention other surgeons in the
other capital cities.
> IMHO you don't need to go overseas to get a good result

Part of the readiness criteria is demonstrating an understanding of
different methods and results etc (#5 above n reference to lower
surgery) . I demonstratably did this, ending up with two surgeons on my
final list to "interview". They were Dr Katsaros and a NSW surgeon. The
NSW surgeon is very good, I know several guys who have been to the
surgeon and have excellent results, however for no reason I can name, I
felt uncomfortable (in that 'wierded out', something ain't quite right
sense) with this surgeon, so I was happy enough to go with Dr Katsaros.
On the other hand, it's not like I ended up with a choice, once Dr.
Lyons decided to refer me, he didn't even ask what I thought of the two
surgeons - I was just expected to be grateful for what I was given. In
SA, overseas is just as far away as interstate...

In reality, both #5 and #6 are incompatible with the SA unit, where you
can demonstate as much awareness as you like, you will only be referred
locally, even if that is not going to be a good result for you.

You do really need to be careful if you go interstate from SA. Dr. Lyons
will coerce interstate psychs into referring you back to him (and not to
any surgeon) if he finds out.

The situation is also vastly different for lower surgery. Someone
correct me if I'm wrong here, but there are a total of three surgeons
that (to various degrees) undertake one form or another of FtM genital
reconstruction in Australia: Hearsche (sp?) who has been in trouble with
the AMA and gets some really awful results for both men and women; Ceber
(Monash) who stopped operating last year, citing his own complication
rate, which was about double that expected (I believe he is operating
again now); and Kimble down in Tassie, whom I haven't heard a lot about.
These surgeons (allowance for my lack of knowledge re. Kimble) simply
aren't the equal of the Belgian team, Belgrade team, perhaps Stephanides
(USA), Meltzer, the Montreal team... (and of course, Thailand for our
women counterparts).
Again, for guys, there is no one "magic bullet" operation. Even if the
most competent surgeon in the world was Aussie, any particular man might
prefer a different result (maybe meta vs phallo, or buccal graft vs
vaginal graft or forearm vs abdominal flap etc..)

Personally I feel that part of the problem is:
a) lack of population. Australia could maybe sustain one surgeon doing
GRS - and this really doesn't help us guys given the plethora of
techniques around
b) the attitude (problem) here. When I was doing the psych thing, Dr.
Lyons tried to convince me that it was OK for a surgeon not to want to
show anyone their results or publish in academic journals because they
didn't want it publicly known that they were undertaking genital
reconstructive surgeries on trans patients (2)- that it was only a small
part of their practice and I should be happy I had the option at all. I
tried to convince him that whatever, but I was more inclined to
investigate and eventually visit a surgeon who didn't find their work
shameful and that I could investigate and understand *before* I spent
the time and money travelling to see them.

------------------------

(1) I was told that I had to have T for 12months before I could have surgery.
(2) This is odd and I can really see any reason why a doctor would want to without evidence of the surgery.

Something smells really rotten in the SA Unit.
The things I find most odd is that Dr. Lyons has mentioned that the Melbourne clinics work faster and that if I found the support of a political party Id be able to have all I wanted tomorrow. Why would he put all these ideas to me?

I have my next appointment in August. I'll be asking for:
- My script for T
- If no, then why not?

There is a triad mentioned in the WPATH SOC. It goes Real Life -> Hormones -> Surgery. That is the path Im suppose to follow. Its been over a year now of my 'real life experience' and Im doing well. Only through help have I managed to obtain Hormones and have been on them for about 2 months now and Im doing well.

I see no reason to be denied hormones. Im mentally able (being labelled a Drama-Queen) and ive cleared all other standards... so why am I still here?

--

Now to completely contradict myself Ive become all paranoid. Im trying to find out what triggers it and so far all I have is stress. The only thing is.. I dont feel stressed so it becomes harder to measure what's going on in my head. I came to the stress conclusion based on their were stressful events happening around the time of my episodes of insanity.

At the moment, school is starting up and Asuka is coming next week. Those are my 'stress factors' I think.

What's crazy? Umm... normal objects have been mistaken as scary things. You know, the stuff that use to happen to you as a kid. Its happening to me now. Usually if you stare at something it would go away and you'd recognise it but for me they arent going away.

I refuse to go back onto anti-depressants so Im going to focus on taking the Fish Oil cruddy tablets like my GP suggested.

TRANSITION UPDATE

HAIR
Im getting black hairs on my belly (more and more) and some of them are appearing over night. Its rather odd. I look like that Sand monster from Return of the Jedi.

No dark ones on my face though :(

VOICE
There is a pattern! Deep -> Cracky -> High -> Deep ->Rinse and repeat.
Yesterday was my Cracky day so now Im kind of high. It was suggested I go to a voice trainer and Im still giving it more thought. Id rather do it myself and save the $60. There should be a voice training videos for FTMs like there is for MTFs.

S.A. UNIT

2008-07-15T23:44:00.002+09:30

A member from the FTMAustralia forum posted this and I thought it would be nice to share as it mentions my pysch (Dr. Lyons) and addressing some ideas I was toying with in my mind.

--

With all the new SA guys, I feel compelled to say that it is possible
to fight the SA unit - to an extent.

Two examples, Rob Lyons won't tell you that the minimum he needs to
see you (to ensure his duty of care) is every three months, not every
month.

Also, if you get referred to Dr Tony Roberts as your endo, he will
insist all he is allowed to prescribe is Sustanon 250 / three weeks.
However, he has a habit of giving you a bit more than a year's worth
on one script (I actually couldn't fill my last repeat because the
script was too old). Ask him to give you 6 shots at once (saves
pharmacy dispensing fee, if you go to the Chemist Warehouse near DJ's
you'll get it for the authority script price, i.e. ~$62). When you
start getting the new script six weeks early, all you need to say is
that your GP adjusted the dose (mine did after blood tests). Two weeks
is the standard dosing schedule (it even says so in the patient
information), so the pharmacist shouldn't have too much of a problem.

Unfortunately, for surgery you're kind of stuck. This one, even I went
interstate for. I'd recommend against allowing Lyons to find out
you're seeking care elsewhere as he will be a real pain about it when
he sees you and he will jeopardise your treatment interstate (i.e. by
instructing an interstate psych not to treat you). But you have to
weigh up how you feel about being dishonest, depending on how you play
this one.

FWIW. The SA unit doe not conform to the WPATH SOC and is in fact
moving against those treatment guidelines.

Progress Report

2008-07-11T01:51:00.003+09:30

5 Week Mark...

Muscles
Very nice.
Not fat movement yet.

Ive been doing a lot of chest exercises (push ups and that tuggy thing that builds your pecs). I read that if you have a good amount of muscle definition your chest reconstruction will look better because the surgeon will have something to work on.

Makes sense.

Da Wang
He's fine. Im looking into stretching it and making it bigger. 2" is a high goal but Im gonna shoot for it.

Sex Drive
Loving it.
Im having trouble making sex last though. Im usually cuming before Ive even got my pants off. Then Im very sleepy and just wanna crash.

Hey! Not a problem for me! But Ive gathered women dont like that so much...

Facial Hair
I shaved everything back and Im watching it closely as it grows back to see if there are hairs that are growing faster or what the hell is the deal.

Acne
Im 13 all over again. However, when I was 13 I didnt have much acne so perhaps it's waiting around the corner.

2/3 of my brothers had TERRIBLE acne so Im on edge.

Body Odor
Problem Solved.
Thank you Adidas and thank you Waffles!

Voice
Settled.
It's still a shock for me to try and sing and make dinosaur noises (A hobby of mine)

Emotions
Normal.
Depression - Normal in occurance but not as crippling.

Progress Report

2008-07-04T13:04:00.002+09:30

Muscleshttp://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1809858_1811192,00.html
Still good. No change in any thing else fat/muscle wise. Exercise apparently helps the T

Da Wang
Hasnt changed

Sex Drive
Managable. I like these morning boners (currently has one). Its got to be the best way to wake up.

Facial Hair
In Japanese we call them TAKARAGE. They are these hairs that have excelled growth compared to the rest. Well, Ive noticed a few on my upper lip.

Acne
Doing ok.

Body Odor
My cat likes the smell. She has taken to cleaning my (my armpits mainly). I dont mind really because it takes the smell away faster than any deodorant.

Voice
Settled down a bit. Im in the habit of trying to use my old pitch which then makes my throat hurt. So Im trying to break that and get use to this new soothing tone which makes my chest vibrate..

Emotions
Emotions? What emotions? Bah!

Other
Yes my period came! In very painful clots and I went insane. Im usually very unhappy and desperate when I get to my period but this...was... well, not the worst but I was surprised. Dont you think Id have gotten use to it? Its been 5 years already!
Anyway, after my booster shot of T it kind of...stopped.. ish... and now its just been very mild.

I definately prefer it in the arm. However when the doctor had the needle in there I was tempted to say "You know, Ive never had a man penetrate me so deeply". Then I thought, Hmmm lets not anger the man with the pointy sharp thing....

Progress Report

2008-06-24T00:20:00.003+09:30

Muscles
Still good. No change in any thing else fat/muscle wise.

Da Wang
Hasnt changed

Sex Drive
Stupidly high. I want sex and I want it now. Im self servicing every night so far. Ive also noticed I havent lost my ability for multiple orgasms. Couple that with my high demand for sex and we've got a very very big problem. Waffles unfortunately got caught in my horny path.

Facial Hair
The hair I shaved off a few weeks ago has grown back.. .blonde.. so nope, nothing yet.

Acne
Still breaking out here and there.

Body Odor
Still smell weird

Voice
Yes! Definately different! Danny has noticed. Its gone down a little. Im also having a little bit of trouble controling the volume. The day before I noticed a clearer difference I was having trouble speaking. Like it was taking more energy and my throat was tense.

But after 2 days of an interesting voice its returned to its previous level. Althogh when I laugh or just sometimes after a break in conversation it goes down again.

Emotions
After being irritable for a few days, Im now feeling like I wanna curl up and cry (which I did and it didnt help anything!) My period SHOULD be soonish.. so hmm... its going to be very interesting to see what happens.

Other
I dont know what to make of this but my face is very flushed a majority of the time. Its very hot!

Its almost annoying having all the blood up there. I feel like I wanna say "Hey! Get back in my pants!"

Breaking it off

2008-06-21T18:36:00.002+09:30

Well, my true identity (alex) was disclosed to my friend's Danny 's mother. She has met me before under my former name. Anyway her mother found out and went on and on to Danny and asking if we were going out and stuff and blah blah blah. So in conclusion, I said I wouldnt meet her again... with the exception of the holidays when she will stay at my house for a few days.. but yeh after that no.

Unfortunately Danny said Im going to a doctor to fix my problem ... so... mmm... yeh... I dont know how I feel about her mother knowing.. because I dont particularly like that mother for her general socipathic tendancies... mmm yeh.

Well, I guess I am going to miss having a girl who likes woman as much as I do. For most of my life I was the only lesbian.. so.. mm... I hope you can understand how I feel.

Progress Report

2008-06-19T03:55:00.002+09:30

I had my second shot of Man Juice ... in my ass. Yeh, Im going to opt for the arm. Also for D.I.Y. injections I think that in the arm has to be easier. Im yet to stab my own ass but its just a thought.

Also, with the soreness its a little hard to sleep if you are restless like me. Last night I had some sort of fit and jumped up and down on my bed in my sleep, landing square on the injection site. It was quite a shock.

CHANGES!!

Muscles
I havent done much exercise (Ive stopped my weekly boxing and the only thing Ive been doing is...well... nothing) My biceps are very nice and my abs are alright too. I can explain the exercise of the abs though... which brings me to my next point

Da Wang
My dick is still large when erect. Very nice. Im able to have some for of penetrative sex. However, I havent noticed any growth since the first spirt. *grabs a ruler* It seems Im 1.7cm flaccid at the moment.

Sex Drive
Going down again. Im thinking about sex a lot but that has always been ;)

Facial Hair
Nope, nothing

Acne
Yes. Slightly more than usual.
I have it normally on the forehead however, Im getting a few on my cheeks which is a totally new place for me. Also my upper lip seems to be getting a bit oily and breaking out. My back is clean as a whistle.

Body Odor
Yes. My urine smells and Im stinking. This one isnt set fast because yeh it could be a food thing.

Voice
Probably.. a fraction.. a tiny iddy bitty bit but nothing really. My voice seems to naturally change between high and low so its hard to judge. The other day I did a guitar sing a lot by my self and I did notice that my voice did feel tighter when singing previously 'easy' notes.

Right now Im watching TODAY in America. Its a NEWS show if you dont know. Is really lame. They just had these really stupid mistakes. One of them was an interview with an American Soldier in charge of taking care of the flooding over there.

Reporter: If the President said he would give you anything you need right now what would you ask for?
Army Dude: Well, Ive been working really close with the techinical team here, finding out how we can stop the leaks.
Reporter: ....
Me: ....

Progress Report

2008-06-11T23:02:00.003+09:30

I just measured myself after a shower. My wang is just pushing 1.7cm
After stretching I finished up at 2.2cm

In general, Im horny but yeh nothing absolutely insane. I think its more of being off meds and having some T to spare in my blood.

Ive noticed my depression has specific times, reaching it ultimate peak at night.

At the moment I feel so bummed out that Im convinced my depression has somehow turned into a physical thing and is crushing me with its weight. It seems hard to breathe.

Really - there is no progress. I just needed someone to talk to

Progress Report

2008-06-07T19:30:00.002+09:30

My arm was very hot around the injection site. That cause the most discomfort.

Only changes so far is my sex drive. I have like an ache in my groin but yeh... its ok. Im doing ok with it so far.

My mood has been pretty happy but every now and again I stop and feel like Im out of energy and that Im sad. Then it fades and I go back to being rather happy.

Also, (my period finished about 3 days ago) Ive noticed Im bleeding after sex. It could have been a fingernail issue which Im now pretty sure it is. However the one thing that I thought was weird was when I was cleaning myself in the shower.. a kind of blood clot came out. Very small.

At the moment Im putting it down to coincidence but Im definatly keeping an eye on the issue.

Ex-Gay Camp

2008-06-04T18:42:00.002+09:30

My mum said again that "Wouldnt it be easier if you were just gay?"

Blah blah blah more crap...

Then I said I feel so much happier being Alex. Apparently she has noticed.

Then she asked if the doctor has tried changing the mind to fit the body instead of the body to the mind.

She feels like Im gonna blame her and that maybe she shouldnt have let me play rough and tumble.

I said it seems a lot like those ex-gay camps... that failed miserably... ARGH... how do I fix this crap..

So I said Im just gonna move out... Arhhhhhhh....

You had a bad day

2008-06-03T18:24:00.002+09:30

Argh I dont know what it is exactly about my Psych but he annoys me. I feel like he's not really helping. Hes taking my money and yeh.. all I feel is bad! rrrrr....

Oh and the fact I had to catch a 6am train..

Then I went to see my G.P. and fell asleep in the waiting room. Apparently I was out cold.

Anyway...so afterwards I got drunk and caught a bus. This really nice lady was at the bus stop with me. She was looking at me in a very non accusing way and asked "Isnt it a bit early?"

"For what?"

"To be drinking"

I checked my watch to see it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Id been up for more than 12 hours so... no.. for me, that was my late afternoon. However, I completely forgot that the average man has "Drinking Hours" where as I have a beer with breakfast.

Anyway, Im back on the drugs. Not the mellow yellow ones but the man juice ones. So, Ill be able to keep a track record again of how Im doing. It was an injection again..and fuck! You know as soon as you get an injection EVERYONE hits you.

Oh the pain... the pain of it all!!!

Mm, Im still on the hunt for cheap and accessable T. Apparently it is also available from people who own sheep. However, in my doped stage of tiredness I didnt ask any questions like...

What kind of sheep owners? And what the hell do they use it for anyway?!

Other news...Ummm .. my general being an asshole attitude has pushed everyone away from me. How do I feel about this - fine I guess. I dont know. I dont have any big feelings about it apart from 'hey yeah, I am a dick!'

Whatever whatever whatever...
Im feeling a lot of indifference.

Argh, looks like Im gonna have to write a list of things I can improve on and things I do that make people feel bad.

This is the best strategy for not being a dick I can think of and I dont think its working because Im repeating my behaviour. Any suggestions?

A little more confessing

2008-05-28T22:26:00.002+09:30

I talk like I have a dick.
When Im horny, Im hard.
When I wanna piss, I take a slash or I bleed the lizard.

I remember my first girlfriend saying to me "Id enjoy sleeping with you if I could feel something in your pants"

God that hurt me.

It was just like that. A lot. I did whatever I could to fight it.
Its not true that girls can do anything guys can.

I said it before. I felt like I had the wrong equiptment for the game.

And even though I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy. It doesnt bother me (90% of the time) that I dont have a dick. I mean, unless Im having sex.. then Im sometimes so bummed I just dont wanna do it but thats off topic.....

My problem is everyone else.
Asuka ignores my chest. It probably gets as much stimulation in sex as my belly and out of sex its just out right ignored.
Danny likes them. She admires them and wants to fondle them.

Both these girls and their attitude though.. depresses me.

No surgery can give me what Im missing. Im aware of that. This is an issue that I have to deal with. Possible a trust issue or a self esteem issue. A mix of both

No one can love me and I dont trust my lover?

Anyway, I just wanted to write this down because I need to get it out of my head

Shock Horror

2008-05-27T22:11:00.003+09:30

Asuka wanted to be on a break after a discussion I had yesterday with her. A few minutes later she revoked her decision.

I dont care.

I feel really indifferent.
Why?
'Cause Im a careless bastard?
No.

Im just not afraid of something I cant see.

Even if she broke up with me - what? So what?
She no longer there to not not hold my hand? Not not hug me when I cry? Or not not hear my terrible jokes?

Yeh it doesnt matter.

Oh! Danny (my friend) drew a tattoo on my arm today. Looks cool :) I went to a tattoo parlour earlier that day. I wanna get one but I have to wait until after my transition because otherwise my tattoo is gonna stretch and get all gay.

I also got my 1975 Nikon SLR camera. So, Im happy.
The light meter doesnt seem to be working. It seems that a battery is required. I never knew that. How odd.
I hope that it just needs a battery and its not actually broken because they are freaking expensive to replace.

So, please look forward to photos in the future.

I also hope to take a photo of myself everyday for a year or so. The aim is that I can then put it together in a slideshow so you can actually watch my hair grow (Im currently BALD) and also the very subtle effects of my transition and aging in general. That should be good :)

My life without meds is ok so far. The voices arent bad. I can hear the screaming though. Very loud at times. It seems they are coming in bouts. Usually I dont know who they are but today I recognised the voice to be my own. Not to say that I actually was screaming but it seemed there was a replication of my own voice inside my head.

When I shut my eyes I saw that I put my knife into my own leg. Thus I was screaming.

Danny has been good support. She unmockingly and unemotionally supports.. if thats possible. That and she quite literally hits me when I need it. Always nice.. always nice...

Benny in regards to that news report you linked me, it shits me. It makes me think if I had family support I might have been able to get through this system a little easier.

Im out of beer.
Darn

Shameful

2008-05-25T23:31:00.002+09:30

Alex currently unavailable due to his currently 'Spicing up his life'.

I dont care what anyone says... Spice girls had some damn good songs and yes, let me be the first to admit that I do dance to them.

*switches Ipod to harcore techno in fear of losing masculinity*

So... here I am surrounded by beer bottles and two large beer boxes that are empty. And Im starting to wonder - why always is the beer gone?!

By a very kind donation Im in the process of obtaining more vials of man juice.
Waffles.. if you read this. Shut up. Dont tell anyone. I didnt even wanna tell you. Im sorry, dont hate me. Also kudos on finally commenting. I had to rush to the window to see if any renagade pigs were kamikaze-ing.

BRIEF HISTORY
Kamikaze origanal reference was to the the typhoon that rescued Japan from invasion by the huns. The freak storm broke the ships and forced the huns to return home. The Japanese then believed their land to be protected by a divine god and called the miracle Divine Wind. Kami meaning God and Kaze meaning wind.

Later in WW2 the Japanese used the suicide pilots hoping that this god guided wind would have the same effect as the first time.

Unforutnately not eh...whatever..

Back on track.

Im in the process of being referred which means Im at step 3 of the transition road.
1. See your GP
2. See a shrink
3. See another
3,a) Maybe another one
4. Get your drugs
5. Have surgery

Tomorrow I get a call back from the plastic surgeon. I get to see what they say about admitting me early. Yes, my breasts are still causing me great distress.

Apparently I get to skip 3a because thats only if there might be some underlying psychological problem.

In regards to the voices, halluciantions, trouble looking at patterns, weird pairing of stimuli (like I eat chocolate and taste tuna)... Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

What EXACTLY Im borderling (between what and what) I have no idea. But I know this is a dumping ground diagnoses.

Upon request of my shrink Ive been removed from meds. So... its been a terrifying week and a bit.

Normally I feel nothing but when Im in a stressful position I freak out completely and various things happen.

I dont really mind its just that people are usually around me when I flip out and its that I dont like. For example my friend was on the phone when my mind clicked onto something negative (which sets off my stress) and I started to scream. Yes, quite a fright for her.

In completely unrelated news I bought this towel thats like a pancho. The pattern is a lion so the idea is when you wear it you look like the lion. FREAKING love it.

People at school have found out Im a girl but it hasnt caused much of a stir but I have recieved some minor harrassment from these bastards. They wanna pick a fight with me and I'd take it if they werent twice my height, size and yeh..there is two of them.

That and the fact that they belong to an ethnic gang.

Argh. Yeh. It stresses me completely. I have no idea what to do. The usual advice is "Ignore them". But Ive done that. My life before now was nothing but that. But it didnt stop it, it didnt make me feel good. It made me lose repect for myself.

I cant dob them in. They havent done anything except threaten. So if I take it to the officals it gets quickly dismissed and Im then under the eye of the teachers. And yet again, I lose respect for myself.

So..

with me feeling all suicidal and all. Im gonna take them on and get a whole can of whop ass dumped on me.

Love and Cheese

The cure

2008-05-21T12:14:00.002+09:30

There is a fruit fly theyve been doing tests on. When they poke this part of its brain they can change it from gay to straight. They said its much like a switch.

This is the stepping stone in finding out what makes gay humans tick.

Now lets say they find the same switch in our brain. Would you take it?
Waffles says no.
I say yes.
What do you say?

Nightmares

2008-05-12T22:23:00.003+09:30

Argh, I keep having the same dreams.
1 - having chest surgery
2 - my teeth are crumbling or falling out somehow

its freaking me out!!

other news.. umm...

my mum is asking about my friend (whether or not she is gay) and I find it odd that it matters.

She sleeps with me. So? Thats all you need to know!

People ask me "is your girlfriend... like what?"
and I say she's straight which trips them out. Like its that hard to believe.
If you think she's gay why did you ask?

Just because a person does something once doesnt make them gay. Doesnt make 'em straight. Pretty much you are what you say you are. Unless you are in denial.. then your opinion doesnt count :P

I get very edgy on this subject especially when it comes to my girlfriend or another friend of mine I met in Japan. People were so quickly to label her as a lesbian because she claimed to have a crush on another girl.

And the thing that irritates me about the issue with my gf is that she doesnt even see me as a girl. She determines this as a hetrosexual relationship. Im male - no doubt.

(oh and so does jailbait)

So neither of them are gay.

As an extention of the issue Im also offended because by calling our relationship a gay one you are saying that Im not male and that just pisses me off.

And if you say that Im not because of the fact Im missing a penis well then your gonna have to answer to a lot of angry amputees.

I took a piss in the urinals afterschool. I wanted some more practice (Ive had some accidents recently). While I was going another guy came in and was peeing next to me.. I totally FREAKED out. But he didnt really give me a second glance so I mustnt have seemed too uncomfortable.

Apart from that Im depressed and lonely and wonder really why I want a quick death so much

MORE PAIN

2008-05-08T22:17:00.003+09:30

My jail bait bit me! I put my finger on her mouth and she bit it really darn hard. Its been about 4 hours and I can still see the teeth mark.

Apparently she was angry at something I did. I have no fucking idea. We were waiting for a bus... how could I screw something up in that short time?

Well, it is me we're talking about...

Anyway! Foilwoman! You were in my dream last night. Strange, huh?

It started with me going to an appointment. I had a massage appointment which I had made specifically with foilwoman whom I had tracked down. And the sole purpose for the appointment was no to be massaged but rather to seduce her and have my way with her right there.

Annnnyway, so Im thinking over my plan as I ring her doorbell.
And this man answers. Her live in boyfriend or such.
Then it occurs to me. I dont know her real name
"Hi. Is ...Foil... woman... there?"
Luckily he seems to know who Im talking about and so he leads me inside and out the back to a dock.

Turns out instead of a massage foilwoman though a sailing lesson would be better. So before I know it Im casting off wondering where the hell we are going and how the hell Im gonna seduce her now! (I have a fear or water...and I get sea sick)

Crazy.. crazy stuff.
But if it makes you feel better everyone in the dream kept their clothes on.

In my free time Ive gone back to writing. I dunno if I mentioned that. People at school have caught on that Im a girl so Im getting mixed pronouns and stuff. I guess I dont really care as long as the news doesnt reach the ears of the guys 'cause theyre the ones I dont want them to know.

Ive also noticed that within the first 5 minutes of drinking alcohol I get a massive hard on which then fades away in the next 10 minutes.
Well, I could be done in 2 .. .maybe Ive found my quickfix!

Little does he know, Waffles is influenced by my dialect. I laugh.

Positive thinking

2008-05-07T17:23:00.002+09:30

Yes, positive thinking is the key.

I didnt meet the TG guys. It was raining and I didnt feel like making the two hour trip on the bus to sit in a bar.

Ive seemed to grown a liking to this girl who is 15. Jail bait, anyone?
She sees me as her older brother and I see her as my young sister. Its kind of sweet and its keeping me busy worrying about someone else.

Shes an artist and I find it amazing when Im able to see her work. Its abstract. Very interesting.

For a fifteen year old she has a very interesting view on life. However it takes a long time to get anything out of her.

Apart from being facinated by this child Ive been doing nothing else. Oh, homework I guess.

Im watching Boston Legal

Final Days

2008-05-04T17:46:00.003+09:30

I here voices every now and again. Not so bothersome.
Last night I got reeaaally drunk so this morning I didnt feel too good.

I still have a depression however its more loneliness.
Im still having trouble with my chest. Its growing and the more it does, the more destressed Im becoming.

Its too the point where the binder cant really do much anymore. Though, I still wear it because my boobs are a really weird shape so without it, it looks like Im smuggling pears.

Its so tempting to just hack away at it.

I have to be a year on T. before any surgeon would let me have them removed. Personally, I think thats bullcrap. They are worried that I might (like others have done) change my mind and sue. Which I think is just terrible on the patients part!

There is a lot of biting the hands that feed us going on.

I think even if I offered to sign into a contract where as I wouldnt sue they still wouldnt let me do it.

Im just really... well...scared.
I dont wanna grow up so fast.
I want a little while where Im me. Twelve year old boy me!!!
Before I start getting all hairy and smelly.

It makes me feel something inside. I think its a sadness. Like Ive lost something. I wonder if such a feeling is common.

I know everyone is just trying to follow rules. Ive said this. Its like my mantra so I dont go postal on their jolly asses.

But..ah.. at the same time I feel like something has been stolen from me.

The 20th of May will be the last time I have to see my shrink. We'll go through the effects of hormone treatment then I get my referral to someone else whom I must see only once. Then there will be a meeting (to which Im not invited) and then Ill find out whether or not I can start T.

Most likely Yes.

Although this is good news, very much so, I feel like its not worth getting excited about.

I dreamt a dream

2008-04-28T01:53:00.002+09:30

Last night I had a dream. Id found this surgeon.
There was a room. Blue green walls.
Like Waffles' room.
But smaller.

The operation was cheap. Incredibly cheap. With a catch of course. Two infact.
He didnt have a license anymore and I wasnt given an anesthetic.

I was being lain on the bench. My shirt was off. Then it went black for a while. Then I woke up in the dream again.

Something about going on a break. Time for me to recover. Something about passing out. Blood loss. Yet my body was totally clean.

I had a third person view of myself. I had stitches starting from behind my shoulder, curving around my no longer existant breast to my solar plexis.

Odd dream, isnt it.

He even did a bad job. And Im not talking about not recieving any anesthetic.. or the fact that the surgery took place on a wooden bench which would fall under some OC. Health and Safety violation. The stitches werent done properly.. and my chest was a little strangly angled like he had no idea what on earth he was doing.

However it was.. I dont know... I dont know how to describe it.

On one side of my body I had a breast and on the other I had a flat chest like any boy. It was a pefect picture in my mind. A perfect comparison between what I have now and what Im aiming for.

I wont lie.
Ill mourn the loss of my breasts.
Its always been my motto "I dont want them but seeing as I have them, why waste it!"
I enjoy a good fondle. Not for sexual reasons though, they are just something to play with. So losing that would be a little disorientating for a while. Id have to find something else to fiddle with when Im bored.

When I woke up though..I was filled with a loathing for my own breasts. Ive had it before but this was a little different. Actually, it was more annoyance. Like they'd done something personal to me. I just wanted them out of my way.

I hate wearing my binder. Its hot. Its tight. It hurts to eat. People can see it.
Even when I get my free fitted one it is still going to be hot.. and tight... and there.

I dont want it there.

Im not trying to find a good binder to wear!

Thats not my problem!

ah sorry.. I started to get really emotional there.

I guess the reason Im so angry is because Im hurting a lot inside and that the psychiatist doesnt care because its his job not to.

I know there are rules. Filters and what not. I respect that.
...
....but there has to be something for the now.

Otherwise I have no silver lining to cling on to. Nothing to hang my dreams on. No words to cheer myself up when Im down.

Ok well, Im gonna tuck myself into bed and try and make a list in my head of all the positive things I have to look forward to.

Pain - No it's not chemical related!

2008-04-23T23:22:00.002+09:30

So I got bored...
As the usually begins followed by
... and I found a pair of scissors
Then before you know it someone somewhere is either a)missing hair b)missing flesh c)All of the above

In the shower with the scissors (If only Miss Scarlet was there. She was a fox!)
cutting away at my hair in the southern regions (I swear out of all the places why did my Italian Genes have to show up there!!) when suddenly ... SNIP... There was a yelp a great deal or slipping and wet mayhem.

Yeh. I dont know exactly WHERE I cut myself - the entire area just hurt.

Then I did it again.
No, not because I enjoyed it but because.. well.. yeh Im an idiot.

I also realised that the roots of my ..hair.. yeh...is blonde.. so I decided to dye it bright blue. Didnt work. What a shame. That would have looked really cool \( ^-^)V

Today was a rather awesome day actually. I got a letter today!!
My name has offically changed to Alexander William!
Now I gotta parade the piece of paper around and change it on all my forms.

Today I went to the bank to check my transactions when I handed over my card the lady just stared at me.
"This yours?"
"Yep"
"You're E****?"
"Unfortunately..."
"YOU are MISS E***** Fry?"
"Yes"
"Alright then..."

Yeh...Mmmm...It use to happen at my school too. Id give my library card to the front desk and theyd say "Oh sorry sweetie you've got your sister's card"

Other good news includes -
I get to see my fabulous GP. In a lot of reports it seems thats Trans people tend to like their GP more.

Ummm... Oh! Both my Dad AND MY MUM! are calling me Alex! Amazing..

Also I got an email from another Transman and his partner (also a tranguy). They are coming to the city for lunch and Im invited. So yeh.. Im gonna meet my first full on FTM. Kiiiinda cool ^-^

Night on Mars

2008-04-20T23:05:00.002+09:30

I went to a gay bar last night with Waffles.
It was my first time :)

It was odd. Cool. Different.

I was irritated that the staff didnt have uniform.
Drinks were expensive.
Entry was cheap.

Lets just do an overview of the night.

10pm Arrived.

Bought drinks

Had a good heart-to-heart talk with Waffleman

Got drunk

Stumbled around

Vomited into a glass (one of the highlights. For the record, it wasnt full on vomit. Only about 20mL ...*watches everyone cringe*)

Danced

Got humped by an apparently 'straight guy' looking for chicks (in a gay bar?!)

Peed several times in the mens urinals like a real man!

A guy peed on my shoe.. then grabbed my shoulder, apologised and pushed me out of the way of the stream. And as if that didnt weird me out enough he continued to have a conversation with me.... I dont know... peeing is a strictly business thing for me.

Referred to by strangers as "The hot guy who sat with his legs wide apart" (I never noticed before... actually, I think I remember my doctor saying something about that first time we met)

Watch a show of drag queens.

Left about 3am

Went looking for a porn shop. Found they were all closed.

Went to McDonalds instead (It was SO PACKED!!...at 3am in the morning! What the fuck people!)

Then we crashed at friends house and woke up 1:30pm the next day (which is today)

Rather nice. Rather eventful.

Now onto a more thourough look at the night. I feel more... connected... to the gay guys rather than the lesbians. Except there was one girl there that looked like the coolest guy ever but yeh... she didnt wanna talk to me.

Bitch.

Other news.. ummm... Ok.. I cheated on my girlfriend. Yep, not proud of that.
Umm... Ive felt more compelled to steal stuff. Ive never really before. I always wanted to be the honest guy. But Ive been dshonest recently.. and slowly Ive started stealing stuff.

My list so far is a coke and a carton of chocolate milk. I was gonna steal this lady's wallett but this woman was watching me and before I could take it she brought attention to the fact that the lady dropped it. Damn people at their good deeds!

I dont know.

Im back on meds! Yay for me and my girlfiend demanding I do so after I cheated on her!

*sigh*

Its ironic that I feel almost equally depressed.
Without meds - Im depressed because Im trapped inside myself
With meds - Im depressed because Im aware that these are mainly placebos and that the calmness is purely a self induced illusion

What else.. what else...
Oh Ive taken a girl under my wing. She is heavily into gay men and would like to pass as a guy. So what Im doing is.. well.. kinda Fab 5 work.
Im redo-ing her. Hair, clothes, mannerisms.

I also had a massive rant about tattoes,piercings and transexuals who have them. This was a very passionate rant and I dont think anyone has the patience to read and I dont really have the energy to endure my own flaming hate for my shrink who is WASTING MY FUCKING MONEY... god bless him, I know he is doing his job.

Or is he...

Id let him read my blog however I dont think he'd appreciate the amout of shitting I do on him here.

Tomorrow Im gonna find my brothers old school photos and check out how his puberty was! Hizzah!

Google has all the answers!

2008-04-17T23:16:00.001+09:30

24 Hours later

2008-04-13T02:23:00.002+09:30

Yeh, Foilwoman is right mate. SSRI's are antidepressants. Ive probably been on them for..I dunno... Since the start of the year if not a little longer?

The reason I went off...
Hard to pin point...
I think one thing was disappointing my girlfriend. When I can get any reaction from myself while making love to her or anything makes me feel..really bad. And it's really bad for her too.

Oh and you know what's funny? I still wanted to kill myself.
The difference is there was no "heart wrenching" feeling. You know that chest squeezing feeling when you lose somene you love? Yeh, its like that but blacker and tastes like loathing.

That seems to act like a motivation to get the rope out from the shed.

Where as on the medication I would still be planning and have the "I should jump onto the train tracks". But you dont know why.

I also continued to cut myself from time to time. I dont know why.
Oh.
Yeh.
My chest keeps growing and I wanted it gone.
Perhaps I was drunk but yeh I dont really remember much of the night and Ive got these cuts over my chest

No, my doctor doesnt know about me dropping the meds.
Bless him

Oh and minor hallucinations have set in. They are so minor though I dont even know if I could call them hallucinations but going under the definition of 'seeing something that is not real and induced by the mind', Im saying they are.

Just things move and look like something else when they're not.

Today I felt pretty good. Nothing wrong. Voices are quiet. Ive been thinking though.. I dont want Abraxas to come back so Im inclined to go back on the meds.

Wow, Im scared of myself! hahahaha

Oh and I cut Waffle's hair :)

Med-Free Hell

2008-04-11T14:53:00.003+09:30

[A small scared boy huddles in the corner with his tape recorder. His face thin and pale]

Hello. Today is day 5 since Ive abandonded S.S.R.I.
Its..been tough.
There has been a few crazy moments but Im doing ok. I can survive this.

Day 1 I felt fine.
Day 2 was worse.

Irregular twitches (Uncontrolable yelps)

Although, lacking better explaination, the contrast of the world started changing that day.

It was like I was using my eyes for the first time and everything that seemed kinda blurry before was now sharp. Sharper than it should be I realise that its not the vision that is sharp. Its my perception. If that makes any sense. This place is making me crazy. But Im not! Im not I say! Day 2 was also when I noticed my massive mood swings. I was very hyper active and more spontaneous that usual. Also to be noted the faint 'mumble' I usually hear when I forget my medicine became more audiable.

Another smaller problem noted was the bad-ass return of my word jumble. I put this down to having voices in my head which makes it hard to speak.

Sleep also disturbed because of the voices.
Dreams were happy and vivid.

Day 3
Mood became even more erratic. I started to feel incredibly depressed and paranoid. I felt like everyone was talking to me and on more than one occasion I found myself huddling into a corner of the school yard.

Anything that could have been interpretted as a negative comment was taken that way and I found myself wanting to just disappear from the earth for being such a failure.

The voices in my head were unbearable. Their words are now understandable. This caused even more restlessness during the night.

There seems to be two voices in total.
One which I havent named. Basically harmless apart from the noise factor.

And one which thankfully hasnt turned up yet called Abraxas. Abraxas is very harsh and judging towards me and his comments usually follow with twiches that inflict pain. I feel he is controlling them as a pay of punishing me.

Still verbal twitches. However my leg jig seemed to happen less often.

Positive note - Sex drive has returned

Day 4
I went shopping. Self image was a major issue. I felt very relucant to look in the mirror because of my feminine appearance. I returned home and avoided mirrors since.

Voices still present
Depression and erratic mood swings still present
Leg Jig not so often
Twitches reverted back to physical. Mainly jerking of the head or random clapping of hands. Estimate would say it happened 2- 4 times. (About average)

Slipping into realistic daydreams was also noted.

Reluctance to sleep.
Dont want to listen to the voices

Sex drive still high. Ive regained my ability to orgasm normally.

Day 5
Mood has become stable. I feel a tad lonely.
Voices still present but Im able to ignore them/push them into the back of my mind where they dont make as much noise.
Still cant stand to see myself in the mirror.
Sex drive still high (as normal for me) but frustrating as I have no outlet apart from my right hand.

I cant say how long this is going to go on and Im aware that its not a good idea. However with the amount of times Ive been missing tablets it's not exactly cold turkey.

This is Alex signing out now

[Tape ends]

Yeh so this has been an insane week. I thought maybe you'd enjoy it more if it were in that kind of format.

God, I just wanna stab my shrink

P.S.
I cut my own hair and did a damn good job

Cheer up Emo Kid

2008-04-04T14:10:00.003+10:30

I fell alseep on the bus today. Again.
In true hobo style!
I woke to the bus driving saying "Kid, end of the line"
And that it was.
It also was nowhere near my house!
My stunned face gave that away so the bus driver said "Come up front, I'll drive you home. Ive finished my round anyway"

How damn nice is that?!

He dropped me to my door (which is definately not on any bus route)
So I thanked him and shook his hand and went inside.

Remarkable.
Not just his kindness to me.
Not just the kidness to another passenger he helped before I fell alseep
Not just the fact that he had a smile the entire time
But because of the rarity of such kindness

To me and Im sure to you it seems common sense but it doesnt happen that often. When a stranger acts like a friend.
Holding an elevator
Helping you to your destination
Seeing if you're alright
A smile or simple hello if you pass in the street
Offering to hold something if your phone rings or you're fumbling for your wallet

I just feel we've become isolated from each other. Too money focused.
Why are we so scared of each other?
Why does it only matter when you know that person?
You know that there is only 2 degrees of separation.. (especially in Adelaide)..
So what's stopping you from helping someone?
What's stopping us from sharing a smile?

Enough of me - here are some things that made me laugh.(Hijacked from different sites)

10 REASONS WHY GAYS SHOULDNT MARRY

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Also apparently those homosexual animals have picked up some unnatural behavior.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

CHURCH BULLETIN MISTAKES

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice

The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance

The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her

Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children (<- My personal favourite)

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door

Ushers will eat latecomers

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child

Ahhh, I hope you enjoyed that because I sure as hell did.
Cheer up Emo Kid

P0vv3R t0 d@ El33t!!

@73><

Foreingers say the darndest things...

2008-04-01T00:13:00.003+10:30

Oh god, Sorry I just remembered something Asuka said. Fucking hilarious!

We went shopping at Woolworths with Asuka. Now Woolies has black baskets and red baskets. Just remember taht.

So Asuka was running around the shop with her arms full and I told her to stop and grab a basket.

But her hands were full.

"Ill get it for you then"

Ah what a nice boyfriend I am!

"Ill get a red one because they go faster"

The face I got!
The face of complete shock...and belief. "Really?" She asked

"Yes, of course. The red baskets are faster!"

Ahhh... then a few isles later she noticed I was kidding. I think it was me pissing myself laughing that gave it away.

But it still doesnt beat the time we were about to leave to go out shopping.
"Quick we gotta take a bath!"
"Bath?"
"Yeh we'll take a bath"
"But we are going out?"
"Yeh I know"
"OH!! You mean BUS!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH ... sorry...sorry... its the tequilla making the stories more amusing. Have a few shots see what it does for you

Flat

2008-03-30T23:23:00.002+10:30

Generally speaking chest surgery costs about $500.
Its covered by medicare ( or another program or I have no fucking idea what its called) so its cheaper.
Its a day surgery kinda thing. They throw you in and they throw you out.

So.. I have the money. I have the time. I have the will. God how I want them removed. It would feel weird, Id admit but Id love the freedom!!!

FINALLY I CAN GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT WORRYING!!!

Im focusing more of my time on chest surgery now as before I was looking primarily at effects of testosterone and dealing with the family.

Next week Ill start talking to my doctors, getting some perspective, ideas, feedback, you know, whatever... and we'll see how it all goes

You think Im ok?

2008-03-30T03:46:00.003+10:30

Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.

[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"

"What?"

"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"

"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"

"No not that!"

Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"

"Oh... ok.."

(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)

"When I start taking T it'll improve"

"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."

"..."

"...."

"Ok"

"I dont want you to change"

"Huh like what?"

"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"

FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).

Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.

Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...

Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)

male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth

So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.

Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...

I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)

Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?

I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.

Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.

Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.

And yeh.. thats it..

Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).

Yeh.. I miss her..

:(

I still pray that its not love
Go figure

The Aftermath

2008-03-24T17:24:00.002+10:30

I got back in the ar after boxing.
"I saw a girl come out before you"
"Yep she's the only one"
"You mean the only other girl?"
"Whatever" I mutter and put my belt on.
"Did you get away with it?"
"Of course I did"

Small chatter.

"Can you use male-pronouns?"
"How about genderless pronouns?"

We arrived home and kept talking in the car. I got kinda angry and started crying. Mum tried to hug me and I pushed her hands away and said I dont want hugs or anything.

She agreed to calling me Ally. One step towards Alex. But she wont use He or Him.

I also proved my point that my mum doesnt know anything and I used that as a weapon to win the agrument.
I quizzed her on whats the difference between a Transexual, Transgender and a Transvestite.... and she was unable to answer.

Which gave me the perfect ammo of "How can you tell me what to do now if you dont even know what we are talking about"

She then pulled a tricky one on me. "If you are so concerned about how everyone sees you then I think there is a bigger issue at hand here"

Which is weird. Its a remark that when view with logic makes perfect sense.
However the world isnt logical. Humans by nature ARENT logical creatures.
So therefore the remark is practically worthless and stupid.

But as Humans, the law-abiding-logic-lovers we are, try to put everything into logic. And when I, Alex the Human, do that, I lose faith and feel a little unstable.

The bottom line is we shouldnt go crazy when the math of the world doesnt equal logic. It never does, never will.

So with all metaphors aside my logical part of me thought "Well, thats a good point"
But its not true.
Everyone is different.
With that same logic when someone is bullying you and calling you a whore you shouldnt care about it because you know the truth that you arent a whore.
No you still feel bad

Anyway so we went in from the car and i went to my room. Messaged Asuka. Ten minutes later Mum called me for dinner. Towards the end of dinner my Mum started laughing A LOT. Like... more than ive ever seen her. Then it clicked.
"Are you drunk?"
"hahah yeh"

Shed had a lot of mead. Annnnd my mum doesnt get drunk. Its the first time Ive seen her drunk. Yeh, so I put her to bed...and now Im here..

Ok.. I gotta go

How do you make a whore moan?

2008-03-24T16:55:00.001+10:30

Stupid female-ness.
My period is coming soon and Im just depressed as hell. But right now - actually Im pretty mad. Even though Im smiling. And singing a littl.

My skin crawls and I feel like Ive got balls of fire on the palms of my hands.

There is a boxing club in my suburb. My plan is to tell the coach the truth but have him put me in the boys class (appropriate weight class too). Then I'll do my best to beat everyone else. The advantages being that I can train at a boys standard (impossible but stay with me), I can fine tune my male-social skills and Ill be able to know whether or not if I get in a fight... Im gonna survive it.

Argh, I just remembered, every time I joined the girls class I got payed out major 'cause when the bell rang I wouldnt hold back. Same with Football and stuff. When the game was on, you're all going down.

I wasnt very popular... but come on!! I mean football without bumping and tackling? What the fuck!

Anyway..

I told my mum that I was gonna join (and thats all I said) and she was thrilled. It starts in an hour and goes until 8pm. As I was leaving the room she said to me "You are a girl"

God that makes me mad.

"You're a girl"
Lets face it, when someone says that they are saying one of three things
"You're too weak"
"You're not suppose to do stuff like that"
"Shh...you wouldnt understand"

Well, which ever it pisses me off.

I just turned and said "No Im not"
And she repeated "You're a girl!"
"So?"
"They'll hit you in the boobies"

I didnt have anything to say to that...
Actually, I do.. I had/have a lot to say...
But my mums stupid/narrow-minded/old fashioned/paranoided/insecure/obsurd (circle appropriate) comments just leave me speechless.
You're suppose to learn from your parents. They are your role models. Admire them!
But when she says weird crap like that its just...wow... hey whats that! Exploding in the sky! My respect for you? Yep, I think so.

Ive watched a few boxing matches and Ive been in a lot of fights (brothers/friends/Waffles) and when I didnt have breasts they werent touched, I didnt touch they're chest either.

Not because its taboo or out of bounds...just because its stupid. If you are stupid enough to leave your chest exposed (solar plexis included) then you deserve to be hit, damaged and killed. The normal on guard fighting stance covers your chest. Duh.

Ive never seen it. Never happened. Even when I rumble with my girlfriend (and thats a no holds barred fight. All we need is jelly and we could tape it and be millionares) Ive never been groped or punched or anything like that...

Oh wait..

Yeh there was this one time where a nipple cripple was involved...

But moving back on topic, how often to you see that in boxing?

Black Market

2008-03-22T18:52:00.004+10:30

Where do they buy the drugs?
Who the hell has these things? I just.. no Im at a loss.

Runamuck chemists?
Truckies?

All the people I know who do drugs or are drug dealers are all like into Meth and the Mary-Jane...

Wow.. I suddenly painted my self as a shady character... no.. I just happen to know a variety of people.

And Im sorry to say it but it seems that drugs are booming in the gay scene.

This is going to be a short blog. Im with Waffles at the moment. I took him shopping. I love shopping with him. HE's my only guy friend and Im going to say it - shopping with women is a nightmare.

I want to scoop my eyes out with the dull knife.

Oh lets try this
And this and this and look at this.
Im not really gonna buy anything though. Just looking

Think of the man's welfare!!
For christ sake if Im here - entertain me
Fashion a Bikini !!

...
Calling all married men - Do you still find your wife sexually attractive? Or does it turn into something else?

And now I leave you with my photos. Muahhaha

Me Chilling on the grass

Me Riding a Cow

Me... after Asuka carved her name into my back

I managed to con Asuka into wearing my clothes (binder too!) in exchange for me wearing her clothes...and make up...and high heels...those photos shall be burnt

Me and a Kangaroo. True Aussie

All Alone

2008-03-20T00:15:00.002+10:30

Two beers
Porn and a Wank

Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.

Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.

Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?

My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.

Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!

I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...

I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)

Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF

I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.

Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.

I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.

:)

He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.

Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.

The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.

Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.

My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.

I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.

And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)

Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!

...I miss my GP.... :(

Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!

Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.

To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway

Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.

I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.

I hate guys with long hair!

Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.

I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)

Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.

Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.

That very well could be me.

And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"

Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.

I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.

I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex

Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.

I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!

There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it

M.I.A...again...

2008-03-13T18:44:00.003+10:30

Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit

Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.

I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate

Dim Peter As String

If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf

...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...

So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.

AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*

She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.

On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.

Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story

I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!

My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.

...Mmmm...

Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.

2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(

A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?

Re: Condoms

2008-03-08T13:54:00.002+10:30

Ok, well condoms are a good idea for all genders. And Im talking about the boy condoms.

So what does a penisless guy wanna use it for?
His toy
Cause he is lazy and doesnt wanna get outta bed and wash it.

yeh so I put a condom on my silicone cock, wack away and when Im done all I have to do it pull the latex off and put it in the bin beside my bed and go to sleep.

Another plus is that lube (that doesnt destroy my toy) is rather expensive. And condoms are pre-lubed in most cases.

And another thing with the cleaning is anal play. You can screw around in the back, rip your latex raincoat off and make a front extrance all clean :)

Oh yeh...and we can share toys if we wanted without transmitting STD or STI... but Im just not gonna do that cause I dont wanna take any risk.

So there you have it.

Oh and Im still under the belief that anyone who is curious is more than welcome to grope my body because yeh, if I was them Id pretty much do the same thing. So touch away, I dont mind.

I mean... I do it.

Closet Door

2008-03-05T11:56:00.002+10:30

Whether or not this is going to be a good idea or not I dont know
But I opened my closet door to a guy in my Information Tech class.

He thought I was a 12 year old boy with a hormone problem that was lying and saying that he was 18.

So yeh, he kept asking me things about why I looked so young and stuff like that and so I said at lunch Id tell him why.

Lunch came and I didnt bring it up. I wanted him to just forget it.
However on the way back to class he stopped me and asked me to tell him what was the true story

So I said "Well, Im not really a boy. Im actually a girl"
He stopped and looked at me. And I slapped my binded chest just as something I do and laughed.
He was kinda wondering if I was kidding or not. There was that.. you know... smile with empty eyes.

So I explained it a little slower. Im an eighteen year old girl.
"Wow. So like what do you have like what?"
"Girl parts"
"woah.."

He had some questions and stuff.

"This is like a total head fuck. Your voice is deep and you just look like a guy. I just cant imagine you as a girl"

He began doing like... hand things. Covering the top of my head and my chin and stuff trying to find the part of me that was a girl.

It look a while but yeh he found it.

Mm, yeh the questions where like "Why do you wanna be boy?"
"So like youre a lezzo?"
"Does your girlfriend know?"
"How'd your parents take it?"
"Are you taking any stuff now?"
"What about last week when you wore a sleeveless top?" (In other words, how'd we miss the fact you have tits?)

Yeh he admited that its gonna change the way he talks with me.
"I cant do blokey stuff to you"

So the summary of last night is (apart from the fact it was a horrible day in general and that it was my birthday. And no... I didnt party. And no... I cant until the weekend atleast...stupid school assignments) - I pass well and to everyone in my school Im percieved as male.

I went shopping with Asuka... umm.... I bought condoms for the first time!!
Mix pack :)
Im Excited ;)

And luckily my girlfriend shares my enthusiam!
"Oh wow Glow in the dark! Multi colour! Oh hey which flavour do you like better banana or lemon?"
"I dont know. Why dont we do both ;)"
"('^_^) OK!"

Where's Wally?

2008-03-02T22:37:00.004+10:30

MY BIRTHDAY SOON! Annnnnyway...

My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy

"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"

Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!

And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!

PHOTO SPAM!

Of course we have our nintedo fights...

And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)

Umm...something new...

Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.

Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...

Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!

The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it

Ah the things you learn :P

Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"

I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.

To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.

Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.

Re: A hairy problem

2008-02-21T17:11:00.003+10:30

Facial hair... Im sorry. Im obsessed. Waffles knows it. I know it. My darling girlfriend knows it.

And by now you should all have noticed. So let me do my ranting.

I LOVE grooming myself.
Love it.

For me it allows me to be creative and work on myself like I was a fresh lump of clay.

So facial hair for me... is...very important. Its a very defining feautre. So before I dive into attacking "Its a chore"... I wanna complain a little...

1. Exfoliate
Please. I beg you.
If you do nothing else I suggest - do this.

Its very unattractive to see men with faces that look like a hairy bowl of frosty flakes.

Buy some sort of exfoliating device and just give your face a nice scrub over when your in the shower. It takes about 1 minute - tops.

You'll get a better (closer) shave this way.

And if your face is really turning into a cornflake crisis you might wanna get some cream for that. Im not sure if antidandruff works with facial hair but a moisturiser will solve this problem (temporarily). Also check if your aftershave or what not has alcohol it in because yeh... that will dry you out

Side note: Exfoliate as the last thing you do before leaving the shower.

2. Peach Fluff
Yes, a little bit of fluff can be exciting for every young man. But please dont try and grow it. Its there to be shaven. Trust me.
Ive seen an alarming amount of young (bio)guys growing there fluff.

You look like a walrus

If you dont wanna shave it off then atleast trim it back a little.

3. Shavers Vs Blades
I have little respect for shavers.
There... I said it.

Other notes:
- Dont shave first thing in the morning. Your face is all puffy in the morning and not a great thing to shave.
- Wash your face with warm water. It allows the hair particles to swell making them easier to cut
- Have a method. Usually best to start at the sideburns, move to the cheek, neck and then do your goatee and upper lips and such.

Ok now Im gonna go onto this chore thing....
Really? You think so?
Hmmm.... Seeing as I have no facial hair I dont know first hand (which removes all credibility to my ranting)

The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your comment Fatal was that women have a lot more to shave and yet still have the time for it....yeh what gives?
...
.....
and yeh some of them are also shaving there face (god, Im so jealous)

ALRIGHT! My brother is home and Im using his computer. God forbid he come in and read what Im doing and gimme another lecture that starts in the age old way of "I know better than you so do as I say..."

Back to school

2008-02-18T11:47:00.004+10:30

Alex goes to school.
Alex has a hormone deficency and thats why he looks 12
Alex (despite people trying to talk to him during the lunch break) prefers to eat alone.
Alex's mum put down his wrong name on the enrollment forms.
The school assumed his gender.

And thats my school life as of week one (which was a while ago).
The teachers assumed pretty much all of this. I just awkwardly laughed.
Apparently one of the teachers is going to go change my gender believing fully that there was some error on the forms

Now this happened at my old school too. But the class knew me so when the mistake was made theyd laugh and someone would point it out. However, at this new school, nobody knows me therefore there is no correction.

And who am I to object to the teacher?
In front of the entire class...

Oh well it will only be a matter of time.

Actually one teacher does know. My english teacher. During the class I approached him and asked him if he could change my name down to Alex (I refused to answer my name... he called me Alica or something anyway).

He laughed and asked me "You prefer that name do you?"
"Yep"
"Odd though. I thought this name [the real name] was a girls name"
"Yeh it is"
"Why did they give you a girls name?"
"Probably 'cause by techincality im a girl"
"Oh.. OH! I see you are one of those people...a.. uh...tran..tran...s..-"
"Gender"
"yes thats it. Great...great.. thats interesting"

And then we moved on with our lives.

I use the urinals at school. I try to pick a time when everyone is out like during class or in the middle of lunch.

Ive only had one guy come in while I was washing my STP in the sink. Luckily Im in the practice of smuggling it and making it look like im just rubbing my hands together.

Needless to say though I still crapped myself. I didnt expect someone to come in.

You know what ive noticed... mens bathrooms dont have mirrors. Where as the womens always do.

Waffles managed to take me under his wing. In a self benefiting way.
I was lying on his bed when he asked "Wanna practice a man job?"
(ok so far this story sounds really sus but bare with me)
I said "ok" thinking he was gonna get me to lift stuff and if he did, id tell him where to cram it.
"Alright. Clean my shaver"
So I took the thing apart and cleaned it and put it back together. Amazing stuff. Seriously enjoyed it. Crazy, huh.
Then I tried using it.
Yeh...
Umm...Yeh....
I dont know. I gonna get more practice. It just didnt give a close shave. Or Im just really lousy.

Well that pretty much updates my doings.
My girlfriend is coming to stay this weekend. Looking forward to that.
Someone to cook my dinner

Oh...and I also need something for my libido. Im picking my brain about what I can do to give myself a boost cause yeh... im seriously not interested and Ive just passed the time in my cycle when im suppose to be MOST interested...and yeh..that time was freaking nothing..

Oh! I was reading that surges of hormones during your cycle make you more inclined for a man. Makes sense.

Something I made!!!

2008-02-17T00:05:00.002+10:30

Im proud of this :)

Im in the habit of recording the crazy conversations I have between my friends and I at my house. This one I just couldnt let go to waste. It just captures so many people's true feelings in one small video rant.

Ladies and Gentlement I give you McAnonymous and Waffles in
"I couldnt have said it better myself..."

Death to Spam!!!!

2008-02-15T21:41:00.002+10:30

Here is a copy I sent out to everyone whose email address I could get hands off after I repeated state that I DO NOT WISH TO RECIEVE CHAIN MAIL CRAP! Humourous things accepted. They do not count as crap.

If you wish to copy this email or just use it as a template - Go nuts

TITLE: NEWS FROM THE WHITEHOUSE!!!

OMG! TH!S i$ T@t4lly R34L!!!!

MSN IS SHUTTING DOWN!! HOW CAN YOU SAVE YOUR ACCOUNT??
You can suck my cock, thats how.

Stupid people you shit me.

Let me just clear things up for you all so you can sleep better at night.

No, MSN isnt shutting down.

No, There isnt some girl with an arm growing out her ass who you are going to magically donate money to by spreading bullshit FWD'd emails.

No, no matter how many people you send a chain mail your crush isnt going to call you up, or date you or have any interest in you as a result.

No, Pressing Alt F4 wont make anything cool pop out. Moron. (You're even thinking about it now, arent you?)

No, no matter how many people you piss off with your chain mail they're not gonna love you for sending them a generic friendship email with pretty pictures and fancy fonts and emoticons that take forever to load on slower connections. In fact, I think they might add you to their hitlist.

No, No matter how many people's email boxes you clog with your cyber crud its not gonna save you from a retarded chick with an acid burnt face and her evil chipmunks from gnawing your nose off.

WHY?

BECAUSE ITS NOT REAL
EVEN IF YOU 'KNOW ITS FAKE', JUST DONT SEND IT ON. FOR ANY REASON. WHAT SO EVER.
OK? GOT IT? DID I BURST YOUR BUBBLE OF SECURITY? YOU ALRIGHT? GOOD

Now lets grow up and move along

What I would like, what I am requesting, is that firstly you FREAKING THINK!

Yeh, some emails are funny. I get it. Well good. Send it to someone you know has the same sense of humour and you can both enjoy it! Yeh! I understand that!

Just a piece of advice here - Your ENTIRE contact list is not going to want the email.
Dont send it to your uncle's niece's friend's cousin's boyfriend's ex's mother whose business card you found in the gutter one day. Ok? People dont appreciate that. Its almost as irritating as receiving a christmas card that has "To blah blah From Blah blah"

Nobody wants to think that the only reason you wanna talk to them is so you can score with the hunk or hunkette at your school or so you can have your wish of a fridge full of pastry dishes.

Because that's really selfish

And are we really that insecure and self-centred?

Dont read if you're having a bad day

2008-02-09T17:12:00.000+10:30

When someone pops your ego
Sits on your parade
Takes the wind from your sails

Feels pretty weird, huh.

Like being punched in your very core.

It can only take a split second - The wrong word, a flash back, a song on the radio

And pow! your day just goes down down and down...

Yesterday I found out I owe the Shrink $200 for missing the appointment and it will cost $130 to change my name. Wow, bothersome. And very important things to..

But I was pretty fine. There are ways to get through this.

But now, after one stupid phonecall I just feel like I cant hold myself up anymore. I wanna get this out on paper so then maybe... just fucking maybe I can get a decent nights sleep without this issue waking me up from yet another nightmare.

That stupid person is in my dream. Just doing stupid dream person stuff. I dont know. Nothing particularly annoying but I just hate them! Go away! Leave me alone! I wish I could find peace! I know I cant change my memory. I met you - I cant change it. I want closure now!

The fact is Im angry with you. Your stupid hetrosexual life. You make me fucking sick! Dont say "I love you", I dont wanna hear it. You asshole. You just wanna make me angry. Why tell me something like that when you already have "Someone special" and even if you didnt you wouldnt want me that way anyway! Its just annoying! It fucking hurt me! Thats something cruel to do to a kid growing up.

Narrow minded asshole.
Your just the kind I hate.
Pretend to be different but no, your not. Your just like the majority.
You are the kind of people I have to face and put up with and protect myself against everyday.
And so is your "someone special"

You were like the closest person! And I feel like you've betrayed me!

Get out of my dreams! I dont wanna see your face anymore!

And then... if its not that prick...

I dream about hanging myself. Or falling to my death.

Its like the more positive and anti-suicidal I am when Im awake.. the more my subconcious wants to kill me in my sleep.

God I pray for strength.
I need motivation for a decision.

I take a risk. I spend some cash. I transition and maybe I find happiness there.

Or I withdraw all my money. Divide it by two and put in separate envelopes.
One marked simply with "Mother" and the other with "Okada"
And then go put an end to the game.

As Waffles would look at it, waying up pros and cons in a logical way along with energy involved and overall benefit - Option 2 is a goer.

Ah, but if only it was that easy.
Maybe suicide is for those who need it

Coming from Behind

2008-02-07T18:35:00.000+10:30

ow! Ow! OW!

Ok this story starts on Wednesda at 1:39pm.
It should start at 11am when my alarm went off. But it doesnt
I slept through it.
And woke up at 1:39pm
Thrity nine minutes AFTER my appointment with the shrink had started.

Yeh... yeh I was pretty made.
Because not only did I miss a step on the path forward I also
- Have to pay for the session in full
- Have to wait until March before I can see him again

So I was very very unhappy with myself.

I have a small amount of money saved away. Ill guess and say there is about $600 in there now.
And that has to pay for:
6 appointments with the shrink ($40 dollars each)
T shots(Once I start T. $5 a week. God bless Medicare)
Ticket to Japan ($300 one way)
Fee for name change (About 60 - 100 dollars?)
And yeh... then there is the other stuff like if I wanted to do something on weekends, if I wanted a return ticket to Australia (AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasp* AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHA), Chest surgery and yeh stuff like that.

So this all points to one thing *sigh* I have to get a job again :(
Stupid life. Being so expensive.

Anyway, Ive gone of track the story I wanted to share with you is what I did in order to break even on Wednesday.

Yeh so I wasted forty dollars so I got on the train...
Went to the city
Found a nice man to employ me for a while and then went home 50 dollars richer.

I should feel bad about what I did, shouldnt I? The fact is I dont. The only trace of regret I have is that I didnt charge more.

The usual rate (if you go by industry standards) is about 100.

But yeh... so my ass hurts something chronic.
And no there was no protection involved.
And no, I dont care about that either..

Self-harm, anyone?

...
.....
......

God isnt it sad when we live in a world that forbids love?

Today I remembered going shopping with an ex-girlfriend and some guy was shouting homophobic abuse at us.

I really pray nothing like that happens while my girlfriend is here. It embarrasses me. I know she is stronger than me in her heart and she might brush words off but I dont want her to see me lose face.

God damn it, its like my duty to protect her. I dont want her or myself to feel incompitent.

Argh, yeh that is a real pain for me. It upsets me. A lot.
Lol. I can feel the adreniline rushing through my veins right now.

Umm there was probably something else I wanted to talk about.
I lost some money
I gained some money
Ive lost my general zest for life and feel indifferent.

Ah,
Uncle Fatal

You... my man...are going to be lectured by someone half your age. Ill make it short and sweet.

Life is full of winners and losers.
Mostly the latter.
So which one are you gonna be?

Grab life by the balls.

There is something in your life. Something you have right now (and this could be any number of things) that is your key to achieving well-being. Find it. Utilise it.

There is nothing stopping you from finding someone to cuddle up with. You just need to revalue yourself. 'Cause man you sell yourself too short.

Look out Trees! Look out Lampost!

2008-02-05T22:45:00.000+10:30

Because here I come!
Or is it go?

Today I woke up with an inspiration!
Today I wanted to pee.
AT A URINAL!

So, I grabbed my device after school and headed up for the mall (for dinner with Waffles and McAnonymous). Then with the supervised aid of the Waffleman... I presented myself at the urinal.

...and then I got stage fright.

Its harder than I thought to pee while my best bud is watching...

Also to add to the problems I wasnt wearing Y fronts so I had to pull down the front of the underwear and do it that way... which was hard. Stupid lycra sports trunks (they are the only pear I had left!)

The final result was...well.. I asked Waffles to wait outside which he did. And then after much waiting and whistling a few drops leaked out to signify the beginning of a petty trickle.

All I can say is I wanna apologise to the cleaner.
Im sorry - I missed.
It was I who dirtied the floor and Im sorry!

Yeh the stress of peeing and the tightness of the pants meant that the flow didnt come out very well. It only just managed to get into the trough...and the majority hit the ground just infront of my feet (shoes were safe though!)

When I came home from Waffles house I talked to mum about changing my name. If she could sign the papers for me so I didnt have to wait until I was 18. She finally agreed. With little enthusiasm.

When the car stopped I asked her "What are you going to do when I transition?"

And we talked about that.

Her objections were its too early. Im too young. I might change my mind later.
If someone had told her she was transgendered at my age - she would have believed it too.

She also said she feels bad that I have to have such a difficult life.

It would just be easier if I were gay.

She worries about the kind of attention Id attract. She fears that I might be raped (Like Brandon Teena) or bashed because guys would think Im a fag.

Also a friend of the family's sister is gay and didnt like her female body growing up either and it wasnt until she was 20 that she accepted it.

And she also threw it "you know your never going to have a penis" and I just found that really ...condescending.

I mean, come on!
What you think I tripped over a dictionary, landed on the word 'transgender' and said "Oh well, this must be me" And then carried on?
What the fuck, no!
This has been about 1 years solid research! and about another 4 months off and on.

Argh, the problem with talking to my mum is that she is a really influencial person and can really shake my belief.

Id like to be an average teenager and say I find her influencial in my opinions not for any other reason other than she has known me the longest.

So she is most likely to know my behavior best.

So yeh, these talks instill doubt.
I dont know what Im suppose to do
God help me.
Im tired of this.

<>

Im going to bed. Gotta see the shrink tomorrow.
I hate how all this crap has to be sorted in several split up 30 minute sessions.

Back to School

2008-02-05T00:51:00.000+10:30

Today I had my first lesson at my new school. Its an adult school and the lessons go for three hours at a time with a short 15 minute break between each.

I sat and didnt do much. Just listened to the teacher lecture. Did a bit of writing.

Name call was interesting. I didnt answer to my name. So the teacher came up to me later and asked who I was and if my name was on the list.

I pointed it out and told him it was to be changed soon anyway so just start calling me Alex.

He agreed easily and commented "Its an usual name. I thought it was only a girls name"

Ah, good to see that some things about school never change.

Ill be visiting the school office tomorrow to see if they can change the name on the records otherwise my terrible name that was given to me at birth (which is really a nice name I suppose - Just not for me) will be printed onto my I.D. Card.

Hmm I just had a brain wave. I should change my name now and get my mum to sign it (Dispite her being against it I know she'd still consent) then I could go get my drivers license! Which saves me waiting till my 18th (which then I dont need consent)
Hmmm.. I might do that.

Ive got a shrink appointment on... Wednesday of this week! Something to look forward to! Except the fact that its eating away at my bank balance. The very same funds which I so dearly need to get me outta this place.

Urg. Damn it. I need a job!

Ah, I tried to open up the subject on transitioning and stuff. I started of (ironically how she started with me) "What do you want me to do for you?". There was this blankness on her face. And on mine. And then me moved on and started talking about something else.

Argh, god Im a coward.

Anyway before I leave you I thought Id give you the lyrics of a song that has stuck with me ever since I first her my mother sing them to me (Is it just me or is that a little ironic too?)

"A Boy Named Sue"
By Johnny Cash

My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,
It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue."

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,
My fist got hard and my wits got keen,
I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars
And kill that man who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July
And I just hit town and my throat was dry,
I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
There at a table, dealing stud,
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue."

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old,
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold
And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do!
Now your gonna die!!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes
And he went down, but to my surprise,
He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.
But I busted a chair right across his teeth
And we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men
But I really can't remember when,
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said: "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I die,
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun
And I called him my pa, and he called me his son,
And I came away with a different point of view.
And I think about him, now and then,
Every time I try and every time I win,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

Something to shoot for

2008-02-04T04:30:00.000+10:30

I started running over the possible things that could cause me to freak out about transitioning.

For the record: No I havent offically started tranistioning. If everything goes smoothly then I should start my offical transition in June/July ish. Thats if Im really lucky

Possible Freak Out Points:
Facial Hair

I KNOW! What the fuck! I want it so badly right? But when something isnt perfect I freak out (Obessive Compulsive anyone?). So I guess I have a worry that I wouldnt be able to groom myself to the standards I hold for myself.

And know you are thinking "Umm Wow, Alex... thats just uh...really over-reacting just a little dont you think? I mean.. .its hair"

To you I say "Yes. Yes it is. Pity my Girlfriend"

And now you realise that I read your mind perfectly and now your thinking "I hope that's shepards pie in my pants"

Indeed.

Yeh, Im getting ahead of myself anyway. So apart from Facial hair worries.... Um... Not being cute is going to take some time to get use to. I play the '12 Year old boy' role and milk that one and its been working for me real well.

But add T and I have to redo my look. Haha

MY SUPPORTER!!! HELP ME!!!!

I thought I should have an idea of what look I want in my future so I made this up...

You know after staring at this for a while Im thinking there isnt much of jump from now to that. Except the boobs. Yes. Must remove boobs *Hand reaches for a knife*

On the topic of BODY!

Today I woke up in immense pain. My tummy hurt so much (muscle cramps). But before going to the kitchen for water I checked myself out in the mirror.

Fucking like this baby!

/_|_\
|_|_|
[_|_]

And I tried to think of what I was doing the day before to build these muscles..and thus I think Ive found a secret to building rock-hard freakishly sexy abs. Are you listening? You ready? You'll love this I know it.

I spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday jacking off.

In Total
...

.....
What!
Dont give me that face!

I did some in the morning.. .and then again at night... and then there was a phone call in the middle so I had to answer it, have a drink and go back to work so yeh in total it would have been about an hour and a half.

Scoff all you want. You keep doing your sit ups and Ill just do it my way.

Oh perhaps I should explain why I use the abs while jacking (I do it the same way a bio guy does). I also have this habit of proping myself up which causes me to use the abs.

And yeh, it goes without saying that my arm muscles are developing too. Mayeb its not the T afterall that gives muscle toning... its just all the extra self servicing..

Oh and another thing for the record! Yes! My thrusting has improved! Im still pretty reckless but a definate improvement has been made!

There is also one more thing I wanted to bring up and let you all mellow with.
Sexual Attraction.
Now, men are the easiest to study for this apparently because attraction is orientation. Where that isnt the case with women apparently.

I think back to Waffles Party when a gay guy there was hitting on me thinking I was a boy. Now as soon as he found out I was a girl that disappeared.

I also have had something like this where I was at the train station (In Japan) and spotted a really hot girl. I was thinking about how cool she was and whether or not I would be able to introduce myself (Yes I have that much faith in my looks) but as I got closer to her I totally (internally) freaked. It was a dude! Just dressed in a really feminine way. Instantly my interest turned to a disgust (to be honest). I really dont like guys dressing really girly..

Damn it I just dont like long hair! (<- Im sorry, this is unrelated pent up anger)

So my point after all this rambling is if Gender was Unknown then would we be attracted to anyone without 'sexual orientation' restrictions? Or do you think that there is something deep inside that marks you as 'Female' and that is what you are attracted to opposed to body.

Answering this question would also help me answer the question posed to me often - "Most lesbians like Girly Girls.. but then how come most lesbians dress Masculine and have boyish girlfriends?"

If the fact of KNOWING they are male or female attracts you to them then there would be a clear answer.
Or should that be "Clearer"

Also with my Japanese friend Shin-chan, in my head I read her as.. well.. blank. I read her like I read me. Genderless under close inspection but a man when I think about it quickly. Sorry, all those messy facts aside..

I would have her as my girlfriend. I would date someone like her.
For some reason her boyish-ness is a real turn on.

But if Shin-chan really WAS a guy, I couldnt date her.

So what does that mean?

I enjoy going over this question because like I said, dispite popular belief, I do wanna screw guys. But its always looking at them seperately.
Let me explain that.
About my Girlfriend: I like her personality. She's cute. Her body is sexy. I wanna hold her and make love to her.

But when I look at a guy I never see that "Whole picture". I just see "Nice face". And that 99.9% of the time means "I hope I can look as cool as you after transitioning"

Then there is "Nice body"
90% of the time "I wish it were mine"

"Nice personality"
I think there has been only like one or two guys who have made feel like "I could date you". So this is remains statistically undetermined.

"Nice cock"
..."99.9%" God Id love to ride that (<-Wtf, I know!)

So yeh.. I know Ive rambled so much Ive lost myself *looks at the clock* ah and its 5:15am so thats also a contributing factor to my bullshitting.

The Long Road

2008-02-03T03:36:00.000+10:30

Sorry Ive put this off for long enough. Yes, Fatalist I read your blog(s). It was a while ago. I think after your first comment. I also check back to see if anything has happened with that "Talking to Strangers" because the title is so damn catchy. Anyway...

I do appreciate you blogging about me. It brought me close to tears and made me feel guilty at the same time. Im not the man you think I am. I thought I should just address this.

You are a great man. And there is nothing wrong with what you have done.

Regret is an inevitable part of life. No one gets it perfect the first time. But what makes them seem like they have is the fact that they've learnt from their stuff ups and instead of seeing it as a negative, they see it as a positive. A learning step :)

You say you didnt have the courage to admit who you are. To go out to gay bars and stuff.

Well, frankly.. I admire you.
If I had kept my mouth shut my friend's parents wouldnt feel iffy about having me over.
If I'd kept my mouth shut I'd still fucking be in Japan!

Being able to hid yourself is a strength of its own. A very admirable one.
The only regretable thing I feel when I hear your story is that "Who we are" is something we have to hide from mainstream society.

I find you really facinating. I wish you were a gadget of some sort. I'd wanna crack you open and find out how you work. Every part of your life seems so familiar to me and yet so different. If you do make your way down here, let me know. I might be able to give you a room.

Oh btw, Im not entirely straight.
And Im on the road to being an alcoholic (My mother, brother and girlfriend are keeping an eagle eye on me)

Ok Im sorry. Im sorry. Really. I dont know what I wanted to say. Its too early in the morning and I havent drunk enough water to make up for the alcohol. So yeh.. Im sorry. You're a great guy. I wanna know more about you. Like the real deep down you that you probably dont wanna blog about. So if I could have a piece of u thatd be nice.

Arg I just cant stop thinking about kissing my girlfriend damn it. Stupid thought it playing on a loop.

Ha, must have lost the boobies tape.

Ha, you call kissing 'Snogging'. You English people crack me up.

Urg, life is so tedious. Someone pay me to make a snuff video for them

And Ive also never heard of this 'flashmobbing' ... .but it has given me an idea.
Beware you've created a monster.

We can work it out!

2008-02-01T22:17:00.000+10:30

I cant wait to have chest surgery. These stupid things on my chest are more trouble than they are worth! Sometimes Im tempting to fucking do it myself

Ok well lets get this show on the road, Shall we

*Imagine 'Eye of the tiger' playing*

Ive amped up my training and the results are showing.

So far Im looking alright. I kinda look... puffy.
Im not a hardcore weight lifter but from what Ive heard it seems that this comes from lack of tone and as they would say "Too much fat"

Well, I like fat. Its cute. And at 49kg I dont think Ive got that much more to lose anyway so whatevers there and there for a reason.

(Subliminal message:Stroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my egoStroke my ego)

But as of today Im adding some new exercises into my regime.
Have you got a chair?
Are you sitting down?
Are the children outta the room? Parents? Overly obsessive compulsive Church goers who shall rename nameless?

Good.
Ok so here's the deal right.
As you know I bought myself a 'Junior Alex'. And needless to say Ive been practicing a lot and getting the feel for it and what not. Fucking fatastic is all I can say. Finally I have the erection Ive always wanted.

Before I cut to the real story Ill detour.

~*~*~*~*~*~
I wear it around my room to get use to having it in and trying to keep it there (It's a strap-less double ended dildo.. My end is lodged inside of me *shudder* and has to stay there with the help of my umm...trapdoor muscles? [Lack of a better word]). So I just clean up my room and go about my tasks with it in. Today I was folding my clothes when a shirt fell on it and just dangled there. Something about that was just hilarious to me. I had to share.

Now I know why guys love to play with themselves so much. It IS really THAT MUCH FUN!
~*~*~*~*~

Back on topic.

Of course when you are doing solo work you are just doing handjobs.
HAND WORK.
And it dawned on my today that in no less that 22 days Im going to be in bed with my girlfriend and... Im not going to have the slighest clue on what do to!

Now I hear a lot of cyber scoffing. I know how it all works and such but.. Im doing this from the completely other end this time! Im a freaking virgin all over again!
A blundering shameful virgin who has no idea how to work his manhood outside his own hand!

So, into my new exercise schedule comes thrusting.
*waits for laughter to stop*
I kid you not.
Thrusting.
I need muscles there! Ive never used them before and the fact of the matter is the only way Im gonna be good in bed is if I have great control of myself...and my junior Alex too.

So everyday whenever possible Im working on the muscles in question.

Now I bet you are all imagining me air humping away, trying to tone up my love muscles..

Well, Ive got news for you!

....

Yes...thats exactly how Im doing it. And Im completely ashamed.
If anyone has any tips Im all ears
Please..
ANYONE!!!!!

Ummmm... I went to the Weird but Mostly Wonderful doctor (G.P.) yesterday. Ive been on and off of Testosterone for about a month now and yeh...that in itself isnt a good idea.

Side effects so far have been -
Depression (from going cold tukery)
And,
Nausea (From some sort of 'battle of the chemicals' going on inside my body)

I dont know if they know it but there is a magazine in the waiting room with an artical on transgenders.

1 in 25,000 are M2F (Male to Female)
1 in 30,000 are F2M (Female to Male)

And after reading the report and cases I shot off into my deep inner thoughts and picked and hacked away a little more at this thing down there called "Me"

Urg. Truly Queerer than Queer am I

I could be a Metro-is-he-gay-i-dont-know-for-sure-guy
or I could be a butch dyke

Those are my options. I know that. Everyone knows that.

Step Two is finding out which is gonna make me happiest? Which will make me able to wake up in the morning and face the world with a smile? With confidence?

Which freaking slipper fits?

At a glance Id say either but when I start to think deeply, go through the daily life scenarios, its easier if Im a guy. A FUCK load easier.

Ill say it now - I hate the restrictions on my life. I freaking wanna take my shirt of and not be scolded by my mother. In summer (which is it here), this is the problem I face most often.

Binders are hot. Im in my house. I want to be free damn it.

Id also like to go swimming.
But I dont wanna do it with my binder on. And if not a binder, then I have no other option but not to go.

I sound like a sulking child, dont I. Im also slightly off topic, arent I

So apart from the want to go topless when the occasion arises I also like passing as a guy. Its just how I like to exist. Then there is the physical aspect of it too. Broader shoulders, my very own little dicklet, deeper voice, facial hair v(^_^)v YAY! and so on.

I should list the positive things of being female to be fair.
I dont have to go through expensive surgery and buying T
Being cute and acting stupid are acceptable and can be used for great manipulation
The bathrooms are cleaner and come with a mirror
Conversations with women generally are more interesting (Talk about Cricket or Car Racing and my eyes glaze over and I subconciously reach for my knife to stab you)
I get to sleep next with the girls at sleepovers and no one bats an eye lid (muahahha)
Cuddles are more acceptable (muahahhahaa!!!)
I get to use the ladies change rooms (MUHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!)

And now you are all voting for me to change sides arent you?

Lab Rat Alex - At it again!

2008-01-31T03:28:00.000+10:30

Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.

I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in

THE VOICE IN MY HEAD

The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.

I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.

But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE

When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.

Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.

Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.

However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.

Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"

But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)

So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)

When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -

"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"

Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.

In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"

Moving On.

HOW I SEE MYSELF

Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.

I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.

Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.

Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.

Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.

Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.

So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?

UNDERSTANDING

Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.

Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)

But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.

If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.

And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)

GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.

Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.

Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.

Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)

And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!

OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!

And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!

OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!

So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!

I have one simple word for you...

WAFFLES

Yes, Waffles.

Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.

Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"

Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two

So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.

I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.

WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.

Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.

I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.

So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.

Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P

Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment

The working man

2008-01-27T23:58:00.000+10:30

I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.

It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*

*flex*

Muhahaha

I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.

In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!

Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)

The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.

The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.

And .5% of that is FTM

Very small market there

But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.

Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.

RANDOM NESS!!

Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!

Ummm... whats something else random...

My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day

Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.

And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.

Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)

But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.

Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.

Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!

Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.

Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.

When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.

Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens

I quit

2008-01-25T14:59:00.000+10:30

Yeh, Ive just finished writing up my resignation letter. I'll be handing it in today and as on this Sunday I shall no longer be apart of Coles.

Which... yeh... kinda makes me feel a little sad. Because dispite the crap I liked it.

I do kind of hope when school gets going and thats all cool I can find a job at a mens clothing store or something.

Or anywhere really...

Any ideas for work?

Shrunken Heads

2008-01-23T21:14:00.000+10:30

I woke up at 11am at Waffles house. At 2:15pm I had an appointment in the city. Without any other transport I took Waffles' bike and shot off. I think I must have broken like a time record or something.

Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.

Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.

I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.

I just think its ridiculous.

Moving on.

At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.

That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.

Which is pretty spot on.

Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)

I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)

I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)

Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)

So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.

They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.

Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)

So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.

One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.

The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.

So lets get on with the good news.

By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.

Ouch.

I...Id rather keep that

And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!

Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.

Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)

Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.

Kinda sad.

A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.

Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.

Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.

And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...

Customers Say the Darndest Things

2008-01-17T23:11:00.000+10:30

Ah, Im sorry. I just get a kick out of the weird things people do and rather then let them waste away in my head I thought Id share.

Virginian Ham. Do you know it? Just a standard run of the mill processed leg ham. Lol.

For some reason, I cant keep a straight face when someone misreads the label and calls it Virgin Ham.

Lol.

I blame my inner child.

Another customer quirk I love is when the customer takes a ticket, you serve them, then they put the used ticket on the counter... RIGHT BESIDE THE USED TICKET BOX!
No more than a 1cm away.

Cracks me up.

This next one was a one off but it freaking made me laugh. A woman wanted a Salad but she didnt know what it was called so she described it "The..uh...the pasta thing... the spiraly pasta"

Ok you know the spiral pasta? Yeh, we've got one of those cold pasta salads made of that...that and corn...and thats all thats in it.

So I went "Ok"
Fetched the container and filled it up with the salad.

"NO! Not that one!" She cried
In turn I sighed.
Tipping the pasta back.

She pointed again at something called a Thai Noodle. "I said I wanted this one!"
I shook my head.
This woman's insane.
Thats not pasta, Its hokkein!

Hokkein Noodles are those yellow long noodle things found in Asian dishes. I have no idea how the word "Spiral" and "Pasta" came into their description!

This one I find more irritating.. When people try to singal wait they want with their eyes. They glance at it and say "That".

Not very helpful.

Or they sometimes bend from the waist and tilt towards it.

What the fuck - are you a divining stick? Just read the label you lazy bum.

This last one happens often but Im gonna use todays experience as an example.

My co-worker (who we shall call David) was calling out numbers. A crowd had formed and now it had passed leaving only 2 customers left.

"Number 23?"

Nobody moved. The customers waited. Their eyes glued to David. Waiting for their number.

"Is there a number 23?" David repeated. "Number 23!!!"

Yet again, nobody moved. David looked at the man to the left and asked "What number are you sir?"

"Number 23"

LOL!! Sorry, it happens often. I have no idea why. It seems like they are listening but perhaps they are in a dream world. Or maybe they just think we are mind readers.

All work talk outta the way lets get down to business.

I had a lot of thinking time today. I wanted to ask my readers a question. Even if you dont have young childen just think about it hypothetically.

Would you let your child associate with a Gay/Lesbian or Transexual (Pre-Hormone or During Transition)

To be honest, my first instinct was to say No. I dont want my child to have any ...unusual influences.

Sounds really cruel doesnt it.

My reasoning though is that I dont want my child near negative energy. People in the LGBT community in general have... hazy pasts and carry a lot of negative experiences. I want to keep my kid away from that

Id hate for them to find out at such a young age that life is really really shit.

But on the other hand, having them aware of the issue and socialising with the person would be really benefical. Teaching them that we are all basically the same and as a result decreasing the amount of ignorance in the world.

But yeh - What would you do? What ARE you doing, if anything. Im really curious...

Ummm.... what else.. what else... Umm..

Im still depressed. About being a girl. Being this... thing...
Its like being the colour gray. God that must suck.

There is probably one thing I like about being a girl - manipulation.
Its a lot easier to do.

People respond differently to different genders.

Like today I was passing very well. The man who waited at the bus stop (for the bus that never came! Damn this city!) started talking to me and then offered to let me ride alone with him to the train station when his wife picked him up.

Now I know that if he saw me as a girl he wouldnt have done that.

For the record I definately knew he thought I was a boy. I gave him the name Alex and he referred to me as a "Young Lad" along with all the appropriate pronouns. Made me happy :)

On the more negative side of passing.. or.. well.. not passing clearly..

As we were waiting a drunk guy stumbled up. I glanced him then looked away.

"What?" He slurred. I checked to see who he was talking to. Unfortunately...me.

"What dyuu looking at?"

I ignored him.

"Poofter"

I kept ignoring him.

"You're a poof arent cha. I can see"

I looked back at him and shook my head. Disapprovingly.

"Yeh.. yeh. I know.. your a fucking poof"

ARGH GOD, Sorry I interrupt this blog to bitch. This void in my chest is growing and its just eating me.

Alcohol doesnt fix it. I know.
But it makes it easier to ignore.

I always wished I could be normal. I wished that one day I would wake up and love men and enjoy make up, skirts, pretty things and be like a normal girl.

If not that, just be able to live a life thats acceptable. Something that wasnt so painful as how I was living at the moment.

God, it doesnt work like that.
Its more normal if Im a boy.

Which is strange isnt it. If you look at it simply - "Im changing my physical gender to male" It looks so big and messy.

But its not like that at all for me.

Saying "Im changing to be a girl"

THAT seems extreme. Even when I was trying - I was still failing. I just looked like a gay guy.

God, why did you do this? He cant be real. I know it.
If there is a god, he wouldnt make me - the mistake.

Couldnt be more Aussie

2008-01-14T21:50:00.000+10:30

A warm day. Lots of sun and a dry breeze.
Today I was a truckie.

Im in a place a long way from home. Most people have never heard of.
Out here, I fit in as a drop kick. Dirty hands. White singlet. Orange safety vest. Bacon and Egg McMuffin and a cold ice coffee.

Yeah, baby. I was a truckie.

I went to work with my brother. He is a Pink Lady.
All laughter aside, Ill address those who dont know what that is. Pink lady is a hygiene service. They travel to where ever someone has their product (Supermarket, Office, Pub, Restaurant, Public Park Toilet) and change the sanitry napkin bin, nappy bins, Sharps bin, soaps, air fresheners and so on.

He drives a smallish truck. A transit to be exact.

I helped him do his rounds today and I enjoyed it.

I know you are all probably thinking "how is touching THOSE bins fun? Thats just gross!"

Well, actually... it takes a lot to disgust me.
Especially smells. There are very few smells I cant handle.
Urine, fart, feces, 2 week old used tampons... yeh. Doesnt faze me. I couldnt care less.

Oh you know what i hate though? (Generally) Toilet Air fresheners you buy for your house. Dude, in my opinion a heap of a fat guys diarehhea would smell better. Seriously, I cant stand it.

ANYWAY!

So I found the job interesting. I mean, its toilet business! And I got a VIP access to see both worlds up close! Men and women!

For one - I mean, my brother being a ...man...he has problems with changing the female toilets and stuff. He has to knock, then annouce he is coming in and ask if anyone has an issue (which they usually do) and he has to then wait outside before going in to do his work.

And thats a bit of a hassle because there are about 7 girls on average in the toilets when he does the rounds.

...At 9:30am...

I mean, who has to piss that early? Or even take a dump for that matter. Isnt that a before work activity?

Sorry, Im getting sidetracked...so yeah...

Me being female I could do the female toilets without that stupid waiting. Which meant the job was done quicker.

And then I moved onto the mens. And men dont look at each other anyway so I really have no problem at all.

Now my most interesting fact for the day is about soap.

Now, soaps at your restrooms are changed every fortnight and the container inside the dispenser is about 500mL

In the female toilets, at the end of that fortnight, there is about one forth of that left in there. A very small amount really.

BUT IN THE MENS ROOM..

There was more than half still there. Probably about 2/3 still there on average. In some places, they didnt even need refilling.

IN TWO WEEKS, 1/3 OF THE SOAP IS USED!!!

My GOD is that gross or WHAT!

Um...after that I got left home alone which meant I got continue my drinking. After a couple of beers I went outside and chatted to the little kids across the road. It was apparent that Im not passing. Im getting too old. Lol.

The little girl (8 years old) said to me after I subtly refered to myself as male.

"You know... your kinda half girl and half a guy"

I wanted to get more out of what she meant. Like whether my voice was too high or it was my intonation but she couldnt put her finger on it.

The little boy though (12) just seemed to ignore any real gender thing. We talked martial arts, boxing, motorbikes, bikes, cars, weights and strength and so on..Then we did flips and wrestling moves on the trampoline. Man I havent been on one of those in about 9 years.

Yeah it kinda really set me back to when I was 12 and talking with my mates.

I was rather ...um.. not smashed but I was rather buzzed so I carried on a conversation with them like I would if I was their classmate (I usually have some uncomfortable barrier with kids.. but it seems beer takes that away).

yeh.. It kinda brought back memories. Scratched up some old wounds and what not. I felt the same kinda exhasperated feeling when talking to girls. It was like "I...I just dont have anything to say to you. You are from a different planet"

Yesterday at the trainstation I found a baby kitten. Its not more than 3 weeks old. Its kinda...ferral. I guess. A mungral of course.

But yeh, its kinda cute. Im not really a cat person. Im taking care of it. Feeding it. Flea bathing it and myself (damn fleas) and right now its asleep in my lap which means my tattered left hand gets a rest.

We dont know if its a boy or a girl so we cant find a name for it. I thought Marco would be alright. As in Marco Polo.

But also, Im probably gonna give it away so I really cant be bothered thinking up names and stuff for it.

Anyway, its because of this cat and the little kids next door that I felt a little... negatively nostalgic if that makes sense.

They called it "He-she" and "Girl-Boy" in conversation when the need for pronouns or direct gender referencing arose. And yeah, that made me feel really unhappy cause it reminded me of some of the names people called me.

On a brighter side, ive made endless pussy jokes.

And I thought while lacking a better name I should call the cat - Dog.

If Im gonna be a Lady Boy then damn it, why shouldnt my cat be a pussy pup?

PAIN - Opps I did it again.

2008-01-11T23:56:00.000+10:30

No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.

Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.

In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.

Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...

To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)

So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.

So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.

And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!

Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.

So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.

Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).

So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)

So I felt better listening and talking to them.

And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.

Umm, something else...something else...

Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.

Ummm....

Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.

My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.

I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)

Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.

I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.

There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.

Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"

And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!

These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.

Id hate that!

For me.

In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.

So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.

~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)

~*~*~

But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.

Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.

But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.

Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.

If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.

Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.

Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.

When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"

~*~*~

TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"

With the English language, I take the same approach.

If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.

But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.

(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)

Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?

Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...

Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?

P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~

Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)

Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.

You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.

Cheers Waffles.

I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.

Aww yeah~

Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!

Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.

It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"

Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)

My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.

And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.

Its only human nature

2008-01-08T20:54:00.000+10:30

Everyone was cranky today. Dont believe it!

Usually we get on average 1 bad customer a day. And what I mean by bad are the kind of people who are really cranky or rude to you and wanna make you feel bad.

Today... I personally.. had three or four.

Mcanonymous said to me once after I told her about one customer "Who are these people? Ive never spoken or seen anyone speak to employees like that"

Yep, this is another one of my reacting-badly-to-a-misunderstanding rant.

Example:

Today. 3pm

"Can I have a small coleslaw please?"

"Sure. Any other salads?"

"No thank you"

*I go to get the container*

"That was the coleslaw, was it?"

"Yes, but it doesnt look like there is enough to make a full container. Is there anyway you can just give me whats left and discount it?"

"No, Im sorry. Salads are done by container. Meaning you pay for the container. What we can do is fill it up with another salad as well"

"Well, I dont want another salad. Cant you just discount it?"

"No Im sorry we cant. Because you pay for the container, not by weight"

"Fine!"

*She was irritated with me at this point, pulled her trolley away and disappeared. I sighed*

"Number 47?"

"Yeah right here mate!"

"Hi how can I help you?"

"Hey, Umm.. I was just after 200 grams of the -"

"EXCUSE ME! I SAID I WANTING SOMETHING ELSE!"

*Everyone looks at the woman I previously served now standing down the other end of the deli in the fish section*

"Im sorry! *literally red faced* What else would you like?"

"Fish"

*She points at it. Refusing to look at me*

"There you go. Im sorry. Have good afternoon"

*Scoffs and rolls her eyes as she very quickly snatches the package outta my hand and charges off*

I felt pretty bad.
Its not like I deliberately ignored her.

Do customers really think thats what we do? That we are giving you the wrong product, mishearing something, miscalculating things on purpose? Just to fuck with your head and make your life difficult?

Luckily for me Number 47 was a guy with his wife and kids and they saw the whole thing and did their best to boost my ego and compliment me on my service.

This rant isnt just for when you are being served.. I mean, anytime really... if someone does something wrong stop and think for a freaking minute - are they really doing it deliberately?

I remember my ex-girlfriend got all shitty at me one day because I took a photo of her. Then, she took it upon herself to my the rest of my day hell until I made her feel better.

Apparently saying "Im sorry" doesnt fix anything these days.

But making the 'guilty' member feel embarrassed/bad or worse than you does?

What the fuck Jeeves, just what the fuck.

OTHER NEWS!

I had lunch with the security guard. He is freaking awesome. He's into weights, motorbikes, women, philosophy and breast appreciation - So we have a lot in common.

I was introduced to him as a guy and he was a little thrown by that and so for the entire lunch he was trying to get me to admit to him I was a girl. Not in an evil way. He just wanted me to clarify. He'd already heard my situation from my manager.

I wanted to toy with him so I didnt tell him anything until he was getting desperate and his face was starting to go red and contort like something was being rammed up his ass.

He was curious. Bless him.

We talked about our girlfriends and what not and it was nice to have a blokey bloke to talk to.

He also said to me "It was just a little weird though because you give off two kind of messages. Like I can see your a girl but I can also see your a guy and I dont know what to believe"

A lot of people feel this way, Im gathering. I really dont mind at all. I wouldnt wanna change myself to make it all fit "this way" or "that way".

It was an interesting comment to go back to work with. As I scrubbed Satay from the plastic dividers I thought about identity and understanding yourself.

Ive progressed a lot in the past year. Rather rapidly when you think about it. Whether that is good or not I dont know.

Im 100% certain I wouldnt change any of my decisions.

Im not happy in a girls body. Its too different to my self perception. This isnt something you can "Grow to accept"

My body is changing in ways I dont want it to.

The thing that all transexuals seem to say is "My body and mind didnt match"

For myself, I never found that true. I thought "well.. its all me...so I cant say it doesnt match"

But its true. It doesnt match. Its like my perception of how Id be when I was older - Its a delusion that I havent come to accpet.

***** never felt like my name. But I responded because thats what people called me.

I didnt like the feminine traits in my face and body but I accepted it because its what the mirror showed me.

But when I day dreamed or slept I was always male. I even remember dreams I had as a kid where I was male (One dream was that all high achieving students got to be granted a wish at the end of the year. Being one of those students I wished to be a boy and the dream was about my first day as a boy. I was 10 when I had that dream)

Anyway, now Im just blabbering...so Ill wrap it up.

At first this problem seemed really foggy and larger than life but now... its a lot smaller and everything seems straight forward (as much as it can be).

I think one day my mother should read this because I dont know any other way to make her understand.

Sometimes you dont realise something until the last minute.
But as they say its never too late.

KUNI:
I have no idea. I havent seen that before. But... I think...its something like Rhyming (Rhyme) Slang.

Like we say "See you later, alligator", "Im going to use the dog-and-bone (Telephone)
There is no meaning, just it rhymes.

Actually, what you said didnt rhyme... but it was cute. So maybe its just a cute thing. I dont know. I seriously dont know...

FATALIST: Wait, let me get this straight (no pun intended) ... you came out to your mates AT a football game?

If thats the case then...

ARE YOU SUICIDAL?! I couldnt think of a more intimidating atmosphere to be open. It would be like me standing at a urinal and saying to the man next to me "You know, Im actually a little girl"

You've got balls, mate. I hope your friends realised that.

I dont think its a show of courage you admit to the world apart of yourself. Its nothing like courage at all. Stupidity is probably a better word.

There are times when you should keep it to yourself. And I dont want anyone to get all uptight about gay rights or whatever because thats just annoying...

I mean, on my bad days Im a NAMBLA supporting Neo-Nazi... but I dont go to Jewish run daycares and tell them. Thats just asking for it.

No, you know what I think is admirable - People who can hold there tongues. People who can put up with crap. People who pick there fights and know when to say something and when to shut up.

YEH~

Right on~!

Something tells me Im right off the mark with this one.. but whatever...

WAFFLES, gimme a hollar baby... people might beniefit from your cynical comments and sacastic commentary

From the woman who puts up with me...

2008-01-07T21:47:00.000+10:30

I asked my girlfriend to write a little thing about dating me and whats its like. And here it is!

~*~*~

Hello Im Alex's girlfriend.
umm.. today ill tell you how i feel about dating him.

but first i tell you about myself.
Im Japanese and 18 years old. same age with him.
and Im straight..lol
my ex-boyfriends were boys.
and i had never fallen in love with girls.

I met Alex at the BBQ party.
he didnt speak to me and my friends.
and I thought "ill never meet him.only today."
and he was sitting on a chair alone so I spoke to him.(what a nice person i
am! lol)
I interviewed him about himself.
and yeh.. i was given his email address and promised him i would chat on
MSN when i got to house.
because he was keep saying negative things.. like.. You wont email me...

and we talked on msn and decided to meet each other again.

and yeh... we started dating.
maybe when i started dating him,i was thinking "alex is a boy."

and the more i know about him,i felt.. oh alex is a girl.
but then i didnt think its gross!! or anything like that.
when we did.... 'it'... umm..the first time,i didnt know what to do to be
honest.

but
i didnt care about his sex or what body he has.
I love him as a person.
and i treat him as a boy.

Im a person.. and he is too.
a person loves a person.thats all.
as a fact,we are loving each other.
so there is nothing problem i guess.

the only problem between us is we cant meet each other because we are
living in different countries.
thats all i guess:)

we sometimes...often... have arguments,but it happens to every couples.

the good thing is he can understand me as a girl.
i mean alex understands girls' feelings or something like that too.

the most important thing is not if he is a girl or not.

the most important thing is if we are loving each other and care about each
other.

anyway I love Alex and wanna keep our relationship as long as we can:)

~*~*~

And there you have it.

By the way I should clear things up

1. No, we arent married but I call her my wife. Why? She cleans my clothes, cooks my dinner and makes subtle comparisons of me to other guys. How much more wifey could she get?

On the other hand, I fix her electronical crap, drink her beer, forget our anniversary and let her spend my money.
How much more of a husband could I be?

2. I think we've been dating for about 7 months. Im not sure and I dare not ask.

3. Im more aware of whats going on than Ill tell you.

More Photos

2008-01-06T23:02:00.000+10:30

Sorry, I forgot that yesterday to keep myself busy I uh...decided to give my make up skills a test run.

Ive noticed that application time has decressed but the overall effect has stayed about the same.

I did the entire face in probably 15 minutes and I didnt have to wash away any mistakes.

Ive also fine tuned my method of application.

HOLIDAY!

2008-01-06T20:55:00.000+10:30

2 day weekend! YEAH!! I get today and tomorrow off so Im enjoying the consecutiveness of it all.

I also scored a TV!
And nicked the DVD player and hooked it all up.

So my room is 2 steps away from perfection.

At the moment is has -

1. Double Bed
2. Laptop with internet connection
3. TV
4. DVD
5. Guitars
6. Some groovy Speakers

We are missing
7. A bar fridge.
8. My Wife.

I guess this is the 8 step programme.

Hmm, I just had an idea... must make a note. Ok...ok good now what was I talking about.

I dont know.

Well, let me just tell you the last thing I remember.

My mum had the radio on in the car and the song Georgie Girl or whatever its called came on the radio. She then told me about this was a theme for a movie or something. Then after a long silence she said "In the end she just learnt to accept herself on the inside"

...

Paranoia perhaps but the tone seemed to indicate she was referring more to me than the movie.

And that made me wanna laugh because I thought .. "wait...isnt this accepting and realising I am male accepting myself? Inside of denying it and trying to fraud my way through life?"

Yeah, so... today I was thinking about my life again. Mainly my childhood (I was thinking about my brother and thats the time when he was in my life most).

I remember growing up knowing I was different. Not "Gay". Just different. I wasnt like any of the girls. I wasnt even like the tomboys. I kept trying to figure out what made me different.

I thought it was because I had brothers. Because Id hung around with them so much before starting school that it was just what I was use to.

I think I even recalling asking my mum about it. Asking why I was so much like a boy. How come Veronica (a girl at my school who also had three brothers) was just like all the other girls?

I then started to find any memories (of ANYTHING at all) before 8.
I remmebered being in the bathroom with the door locked drawing on my face with facepaint. I drew goatees and moustaches. I thought it was cool. Then I remember my mum not being to happy when she found me.

She didnt scold me. Just she looked a little concerned.

I remember at Christmas when I was about 6 we got these little backpacks from my Auntie (shes actually a lesbian :P ). One was red and the other was blue.

My brother got the blue one. I was so angry about it. I wanted that blue one. I remember arguing about it because he wouldnt trade with me.

"Its a girls colour!!"

Actually it was red and apart from that it was completely identical to the blue one. But it kind of strikes me as interesting that at 6 I see colours as a divider of genders and that Im actually annoying to be put as a girl.

I can remember my first lesson is defining genders. Appropriately enough, it was in the bath. I use to have baths with my brother up until I was about 3. After one night I asked my mum "When I grow what he has?"

:P

God sometimes I cant wait till I have kids and hear all the interesting questions they have and hear all their opinions of the grown up world.

Speaking of childhood. I was also into not wearing clothes. As I think a handfull of kids are (and some never grow out of)

Today my friend came around. We havent seen each other in a while. A year perhaps. After watching a few DVDs I decided to give her the full story on why I was sent home from Japan.

She listened contently and understood a lot because she too is currently an exchange student and from Japan so she knows about the rules of studying abroad, terminology and also Japanese culture.

When I finished telling her the story she took me by surprise by extending her arms and pulling me into a very tight hug.

Ive been watching a TV show called MEDIUM. God, I love it. I love getting a bit spooked and enjoying the sacastic humour and the reality of the home life..

Or so I thought.

As Im coming to the end of season 1 Im realising my focus is resting somewhere other than the plot.

Dude, Double D's!
The woman who plays Allison Dubois (Patrica Arquette) is like 5'2 with these massive boobs. Nicely shaped and bursting from her night top...

Usually I dont really have a thing for big breasts ... they are just uncomfortable (to sleep on, to hug, to touch etc.).

I guess you could liken them to Holden Commodores.
They look nice but when you take it home you realise its not that great afterall.

Practicality aside, yes. Yes those are some nice boobies.

I know its a crude note to finish on but ..

Who doesnt like boobies?

To the readers

2008-01-02T20:13:00.000+10:30

1. Benny - Your sick. I like it.
2. There was no alcohol swabs or anything like that. I had to settle for just washing the area.
3. Thanks for the tips.
4. Yeh, I tried to go to the doctor but it was a no-go. I also bugged all my friends who are involved in medical fields to help me out but they wanted to part of it (Legal reasons).

I uh...dont exactly have the paper work for the meds.

Doppelganger

2008-01-02T18:59:00.000+10:30

A boy wakes up in a double bed. One arm stretched far and the other close to his bare chest. His small fingers touching the emptiness.

It feels rather lonely.

But not for long, he thinks to himself with a smile.

And with that thought propells himself out of bed, ready to repeat the daily routine.

A mouth full of pills chased with water.
An application of Gel.
Quick email check.
Finish dressing.
Then off to work.

Lunch swings round later than usual and this boy is still too busy to sit and eat. He takes it to go while lurking the busy streets, visiting shops, chatting up the assistants and admiring the finely dressed maniquins.

"See you later, Alex!" They say as he leaves the shop a newly bought shirt in hand.

Its back to work for a few more hours before heading home. Another day done.

Its somewhere during the ride home that something strange happens.
A transformation.
Where the young boy in the train seems to fade away and a young girl takes his place. Although the change is slow and usually unseen to the untrained eye the difference is obvious.

This second character is nervous, visibly confused and submissive. Her aura murky and face cast down.

This girl goes 'home' to 'her family' and has dinner with them. She meets the neighbours and family friends and replies vaguely about what she is doing in 'her life'.

Then again, at some undefinable point between walking down the hallway and shutting the door to a bedroom, this girl disappears again.

And there stands only Alex in his room.

People tell him often "You look so different to how I saw you before"

To which he replies "You didnt see me before. It was a doppelganger"

~*~*~

Yes, Ive noticed that Alex and this person whom my parents refer to as their "daughter" are now living seperate lives.

I...find it....important. As much as I dont like it. It keeps the peace.

My mother and brother both reject what Im doing. For different reasons.

I realised that its always been that my brother enjoys making me feel bad by picking on everything I do.

I think there is a lot of irony to the problem really. He blames my mother for his low self esteem and asks me to 'join his side' when infact it is he that has destroyed my self esteem and my mother who has preserved whats left of it.

Anyway,

Not having support from family or from someone you admire sucks. I dont really enjoy living this doppelganger life. I wish my mother and I could both have this journey together.

Im having a second childhood. I still want her there for it.

My brother can burn in hell though. If he dislikes me that much and wants me dead then thats all cool. Im not the least bit fazed about leaving his life. (ah, am I too cold perhaps?)

Any other news: My arms doesnt hurt as much! Also, I got a hair cut.
The End

PAIN - Life's way of telling you you messed up

2008-01-02T00:00:00.000+10:30

Hello.

Happy New Year.

And all that Jazz.

2 days ago I decided to inject myself.

The origanal argreement was that my friend Dj_Jo would do it for me. Why? Im not to sure - I think she just likes hurting me. ;)

Her mother is also a Nurse so yeah if anything major went wrong atleast there would be someone in the house that could help (if it came to that!)

So yeh, on Sunday I went to the Dj's house and I also invited another friend (Mcanonymous who shall her on be known as Makka).

So all three of us sat in Dj's Bedroom and for 40 minutes we umm'd and err'd over how the fuck this injection was going to happen.

=== Short Story ===
I ended up doing it...badly...
===================

===LONG STORY===

AIM: To Inject Sustanon 100 (Intramuscluar) into my upper arm.

METHOD:

Google, Wiki, Youtube. Three kings of our ages!

We Youtubed videos of people giving themselves T. Injections.
Then, after 30 minutes of trying to get the ampoul open (the vial that contains the T) we googled "How to open ampoule".

And luckily there was an instructional medical video on how to open it. It said to use a clean blade to scratch around the neck which then makes it easier to snap off. I took a video of the whole event.

In short, it was full of bad language, incompetense, adult themes and racial slurs.

So I cut the crap and made a shorter version.

[Flashback]
A got a phonecall in Japan saying that I had to return to Australia. Id told them I wanted to live as a guy and it didnt go down well. That was pretty much why I got sent back despite what the company wants to tell you or what my family wants to tell you. That phone call devestated me. Learning that in less that 14 hours Id be on a plane home without even a goodbye to my friends. Most of which didnt learn I was gone until Id landed.

The pain of all that was probably one of the worst. Id worked for going to Japan for 4 years and in less than 3 weeks I totally destroyed that.

When I realised Id fucked up the injection that feeling of disapointment and sadness came back. Not as badly of course :)

The poor quality and short cut of the film means you cant see or hear what I said before turning the camera off.

Yeah, I wasnt a happy chappy.

[End Flashback]

Results: I have no idea. Im still horny. Voice is gay. Im very irritable and angry but that is more to do with my failure.

Conclusion: Swing and a miss

Notes: MY ARM FUCKING HURTS!!! The next day it was just a little sore. Then I had work. New years eve, it FUCKING HURT! Like a muscle cramp from hell. I woke up in bad pain as I had tried to sleep on my left side.

The pain is not just the injection site but the back of the upper arm muscle (if that makes sense).

Umm.... I have a horrible depression? I think thats the only news I have.

Day 9

2007-12-28T12:31:00.000+10:30

Hello. Yesterday was a bad day. Just I was feeling really unhappy.

Then this "Good looking guy" came into my work and all the girls were whispering about how hot he was and were drooling over him.

Naturally I looked too.

And he was pretty damn normal. No Brad Pitt or whoever they think is hot these days. Darn kids

What really pissed me off though (this will sound strange) is that I saw no difference between that man and myself. When I looked at him, we were the same.

But if that were true, then wouldnt I get the same reaction?

This moment defined something for me as its not the first time its happened but it is the first time I can put it into more understandable words (Rather than: Fucking Bastard Ill kill him and shit down his throat ... ((Yes, Im very competitive))).

People dont see me as I see myself.
Im treated a way based upon my appearance.

Fair enough. Its not exactly a bad thing.
For me however, sometimes, its a reminder that Im living in a fantasy. And thats like having a cold shower.

So I told the manager I was getting sick and went home early.

The Gel is giving me an odd...rash? I dont know what to call it.

This is my left arm where I have been applying the gel mostly. Its hard to see but if you look in the middle of the arm you will notice something that looks like lack of pixels. Well, no. Thats actually this 'rash'.

Describing it in one word, Id say "Burnt".

The skin seems to be melted or something. Whatever. Its not painful though.

This is my leg. Sporting the scar/rash of the physio-tape. Its a darker colour than my arm.

Now for those of you connecting the dots I say -

Maybe.

I havent used physiotape to cover the gel since my second application and this rash has occured recently.

Delayed reaction?

Or something more sinister?

PROGRESS REPORT!!!
Yesterday I had spirts of horniess. Just suddenly BAM! I wanted to screw something then BAM! gone.

Today. Well, today Im in ...pain.
In Japanese you'd probably say いたいきもち
Itaikimochi.
A painful pleasurable feeling.

My crotch hurts. Like, aching. Like, busting to go to the bathroom but rather busting for attention.

I had to check to see if everything was alright down there (you may think otherwise but I really dont like doing this). It may be my imagination but... I dont remember being able to see 'it' so damn easily.

Crud Crud Crud.

SO yeh, I tried to sleep but the sensation kept me awake. I ended up trying to sleep on my hand as applying pressure makes the feeling go away.

Well, it worked. Till my hand starting hurt.

Then I resorted to complaining to my wife about it. To which she simply replied "I can fix that"

And she did. But now its back. Lol. So I have to find another way to get around my arousal problem.

Apart from that.. um... my voice is a little sensitive when changing pitches still. Im still irritable... but.. yeh the only thing Im putting down to the extra hormones is that arousal.