Novacaine

I remember we have this Novacaine, like stuff. I used it on my mouth when I was a kid and then Id just pull all my teeth out without any feeling. My dad got me to stop because 'the tooth fairy only carries so much change'.

Somehow the feeling of using that novacaine is similiar to how I feel now. Im depressed in my core. I know I am. I feel like if there wasnt a drug numbing my inside Id be curling up and crying my eyes out.

I suppose this is a good thing. Who wants to feel pain?
But pain serves a purpose.

In short, Im depressed and lethargic. I feel like I want to cry about something (I dont know what). I assume this is all caused by a number of things. Exams, my not drinking for over a month now, general pressures from life, lack of ways to express my feelings, lack of people to talk to about my feelings, lack of affection or social contact, the pressure of getting money orgasnised and documnets ready for a trip i dont even want to go on... urgh..

Without going into much detail Ive backed myself into a corner so that no matter what happens its a lose-lose situation. How foolish I am.

Ive been doing exercise regularly and for about 2 weeks now Ive made sure that Ive had a healthy breakfast (fibre and fruit!). To give myself that extra boost Ive been taking some vitamins here and there. Mainly Magnesium, Kelp and today some B1,B2 and B3.

I still feel like shit though.
Powering through.

Im also having some trouble with my friends but its much like the titantic.
No one saw it until it was too late.

I know that in the end, everything is going to be great. Its just Im at a loss of what to do now to improve my situation and make sure that I stay healthy through all this.

I guess Im worried that because of all the numbness Im feeling, Im no longer aware how much Im really hurting or how serious this all is.

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Progress wise...
I think I mentioned there was talk that psych meds affect facial hair growth which scares the crap out of me. According to wikipedia my drugs to count as psych drugs .. which sucks... well, im not in a hurry to get off of them.

I dont wear a binder anymore. Its too hot and Im tired of having to endure pain every time I go out. So yeh, im opting for baggy clothes and people just assume Im fat.

I took a spa with a gay guy the other day (also named Alexander). He commented on how muscley I was (I was topless) and that its odd for me to have so much fat still on my chest.

People see what they want to see.

Progress Report

Was I always this macho?

Muscles
Yes, definately. I was looking at myself in the mirror and Ive got definition across my shoulders, pecs and abs.

Still have a fat ass though

Odor
Not so bad. Im making sure to keep myself clean and odor free.

Libido
High as usual for a teenage boy. However instead of walking around with a tent pole its more like Ive sprung a leak. So, this requires constant changing of underwear and extra attention in regards to hygiene in the shower.

Voice
Sexy. Has moments when its higher than usual. I have to keep an eye on my tone though because I was caught the other day talking like a girl.

Hair
This is starting to worry me a little. But I know its probably all in my head. There was talk about psych meds stunting facial hair growth (as a lot of men had reported) and it made me wonder if anti depressants count as psych meds and if thats the reason my facial hair seems to be decreasing.

Or maybe like I said, its all in my head.

Acne
Yep, im fine.
Maybe my brothers were just really gross and dirty


Other
Nooooo idea. Im passing as male 100% of the time.
I shaved my head and now look like eminem.


And here is another photo spam.. .just because its cute... and fucking hilarious!!!

Progress Report

My crotch smells and the discharge is different. I dont know if this is a side effect of T or whether Ive still got an STI.

Im horny (no change)

Facial hair still coming through only on the upper lip but nothing really to be too excited about.

There seems to be a race between my leg hair and my pubic hair - who can reach who first.

My eyebrows have caught wind of such competition and decided to play against each other. Ive now got the beginnings of a monobrow.

My face has a different shape to it.

Acne is ok. A pimple here and there. I try to wash my face regularly. Back acne (also known as Backne) has increased but nothing to jump up and down about.

No adverse side effects from the Reandron so far.

Muscles looking good. Ive been going to the beach regularly and working out there.

Reduction is breast size (apparently noticable)

Ive been stretching my dick off and on. All that Ive noticed is the thickness has seemingly increased.

The anitdepressants are doing me good. Im generally calmer but yet to feel their full effects.

I seem to be crying when I orgasm. I put this down to the meds. The same thing happened last time and to my recollection passed after a month or so (which then marked the beginning of anorgasmia[sp?])

I have had no change in my identity beliefs but Im frustrated by my fantasies of having sex with men. They come in stages (Envy,Lust,Repulsion) usually in that order.

I saw Dr. Georgie Swift, the second Shrink I need to see before the big gender meeting held in my honour (pretty much) which will then decide if I am to be allowed to continue onto the gender reassignment. Georgie was a delight and surprisingly young and fresh. A contrast to Dr. Lyons.

In other news, Ive stopped drinking (for as long as I can help it). Its been about 2 weeks so far.

And to finish off here are some photos just to see how my face is ever so slightly changing.


July 2007




August 2008