Flat

Generally speaking chest surgery costs about $500.
Its covered by medicare ( or another program or I have no fucking idea what its called) so its cheaper.
Its a day surgery kinda thing. They throw you in and they throw you out.

So.. I have the money. I have the time. I have the will. God how I want them removed. It would feel weird, Id admit but Id love the freedom!!!

FINALLY I CAN GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT WORRYING!!!

Im focusing more of my time on chest surgery now as before I was looking primarily at effects of testosterone and dealing with the family.

Next week Ill start talking to my doctors, getting some perspective, ideas, feedback, you know, whatever... and we'll see how it all goes

You think Im ok?

Im not sure what it was about exactly but it started with me opening my mouth. As it usually does when Im talking to my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning.

[Discussing sex]
"You can't turn me on"

"What?"

"I have no connection with my dick anymore. So just sometimes if its ok can we just cuddle or something?"

"Ok sure but you dont want to have sex with me?"

"No not that!"

Then I tried to explain myself.
"Its just the medicine I take has completely screwed me up. I just dont feel like sex anymore"

"Oh... ok.."

(Wow...Weird. You know, Ive never had a girl show disappointment when I say I cant have sex. Usually its WOHOO!! ... not because im bad.. no.. im all right... so so... better than average I guess...you know what, forget about it, lets just get on with the story)

"When I start taking T it'll improve"

"You think Im ok? I dont care if you become a boy. I dont care if you have surgery. I dont care about those things.."

"..."

"...."

"Ok"

"I dont want you to change"

"Huh like what?"

"You'll be different. Like 'oh Im a boy now'"

FINALLY! After all the time of drilling her she finally said something about me becoming a guy!! I got her talking. She was worried that Id go "Oh yeh, Im a boy now so Im gonna go pick up chicks and be an asshole" like her ex boyfriend(s).

Which made my mind run through what things are learnt from society and what are an effect of nature.

Personally Im not to sure. Im no doctor. Im no specialist. Hell, I cant even do multiplication! But here is how I look at it...

Please examine the following list of effect of taking T jacked from FTMAUSTRALIA.ORG
(List includes some possible effects. Results may vary due to age, health, genes, etc)

male-pattern fat distribution throughout the body
acne
increased upper body strength and over-all muscle density
alterations in blood lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides)
prominence of veins and coarser skin
fertility cycle
oestrogen production
deepening of the voice
body hair development
increased facial hair
male pattern baldness (if it runs in the family)
cessation of menstrual activity within three months for over 90% of individuals
mild breast atrophy (due to loss of fat)
clitoral enlargement
Libido
Mood Swings (Aggression/Calm)
Body Odor
Slight Growth

So those will be the side effects of T... Now I can see about 2 on that list that would turn me into an asshole and make me like her ex boyfriends. But 1 of them settles down (mood swings) and then in time so does the other.

Therefore, I reasoned that, all other stereotypical male behavior that she used as examples was socially learnt. Which is very interesting...

I mean could some of today's problems be solved as easily as blurring the lines between male and female for the next generation?
Giving Johnny a barbie doll and Cathy a Tonka truck? (Man, I fucking wish I got a Tonka trunk....)

Or is this gender separation necessary? Will mixing the two cause a breakdown in the modern day world?

I think on the level of daily communication between Friends it would be alright if Men felt comfortable just talking to each other about deep things that worry them. And women should learn about mateship from men. Because I dont know.. i think there is a lot of honour missing in female-female friendships.

Or perhaps thats because Id rather sort things out with fists that with social sabotage.

Back to the point, I reassured my girlfriend. I wont change on the inside. Thats still me. I can never forget the road Ive walked.

And yeh.. thats it..

Im sorry its like 4am in the morning and Im feeling lonely. I really miss Asuka at the moment. If I wasnt so tired and if my mum wasnt in the next room Id probably cry about it (been doing a lot of that lately. God im pathetic?).

Yeh.. I miss her..

:(

I still pray that its not love
Go figure

The Aftermath

I got back in the ar after boxing.
"I saw a girl come out before you"
"Yep she's the only one"
"You mean the only other girl?"
"Whatever" I mutter and put my belt on.
"Did you get away with it?"
"Of course I did"

Small chatter.

"Can you use male-pronouns?"
"How about genderless pronouns?"

We arrived home and kept talking in the car. I got kinda angry and started crying. Mum tried to hug me and I pushed her hands away and said I dont want hugs or anything.

She agreed to calling me Ally. One step towards Alex. But she wont use He or Him.

I also proved my point that my mum doesnt know anything and I used that as a weapon to win the agrument.
I quizzed her on whats the difference between a Transexual, Transgender and a Transvestite.... and she was unable to answer.

Which gave me the perfect ammo of "How can you tell me what to do now if you dont even know what we are talking about"

She then pulled a tricky one on me. "If you are so concerned about how everyone sees you then I think there is a bigger issue at hand here"

Which is weird. Its a remark that when view with logic makes perfect sense.
However the world isnt logical. Humans by nature ARENT logical creatures.
So therefore the remark is practically worthless and stupid.

But as Humans, the law-abiding-logic-lovers we are, try to put everything into logic. And when I, Alex the Human, do that, I lose faith and feel a little unstable.

The bottom line is we shouldnt go crazy when the math of the world doesnt equal logic. It never does, never will.

So with all metaphors aside my logical part of me thought "Well, thats a good point"
But its not true.
Everyone is different.
With that same logic when someone is bullying you and calling you a whore you shouldnt care about it because you know the truth that you arent a whore.
No you still feel bad

Anyway so we went in from the car and i went to my room. Messaged Asuka. Ten minutes later Mum called me for dinner. Towards the end of dinner my Mum started laughing A LOT. Like... more than ive ever seen her. Then it clicked.
"Are you drunk?"
"hahah yeh"

Shed had a lot of mead. Annnnd my mum doesnt get drunk. Its the first time Ive seen her drunk. Yeh, so I put her to bed...and now Im here..

Ok.. I gotta go

How do you make a whore moan?

Stupid female-ness.
My period is coming soon and Im just depressed as hell. But right now - actually Im pretty mad. Even though Im smiling. And singing a littl.

My skin crawls and I feel like Ive got balls of fire on the palms of my hands.

There is a boxing club in my suburb. My plan is to tell the coach the truth but have him put me in the boys class (appropriate weight class too). Then I'll do my best to beat everyone else. The advantages being that I can train at a boys standard (impossible but stay with me), I can fine tune my male-social skills and Ill be able to know whether or not if I get in a fight... Im gonna survive it.

Argh, I just remembered, every time I joined the girls class I got payed out major 'cause when the bell rang I wouldnt hold back. Same with Football and stuff. When the game was on, you're all going down.

I wasnt very popular... but come on!! I mean football without bumping and tackling? What the fuck!

Anyway..

I told my mum that I was gonna join (and thats all I said) and she was thrilled. It starts in an hour and goes until 8pm. As I was leaving the room she said to me "You are a girl"

God that makes me mad.

"You're a girl"
Lets face it, when someone says that they are saying one of three things
"You're too weak"
"You're not suppose to do stuff like that"
"Shh...you wouldnt understand"

Well, which ever it pisses me off.

I just turned and said "No Im not"
And she repeated "You're a girl!"
"So?"
"They'll hit you in the boobies"

I didnt have anything to say to that...
Actually, I do.. I had/have a lot to say...
But my mums stupid/narrow-minded/old fashioned/paranoided/insecure/obsurd (circle appropriate) comments just leave me speechless.
You're suppose to learn from your parents. They are your role models. Admire them!
But when she says weird crap like that its just...wow... hey whats that! Exploding in the sky! My respect for you? Yep, I think so.

Ive watched a few boxing matches and Ive been in a lot of fights (brothers/friends/Waffles) and when I didnt have breasts they werent touched, I didnt touch they're chest either.

Not because its taboo or out of bounds...just because its stupid. If you are stupid enough to leave your chest exposed (solar plexis included) then you deserve to be hit, damaged and killed. The normal on guard fighting stance covers your chest. Duh.

Ive never seen it. Never happened. Even when I rumble with my girlfriend (and thats a no holds barred fight. All we need is jelly and we could tape it and be millionares) Ive never been groped or punched or anything like that...

Oh wait..

Yeh there was this one time where a nipple cripple was involved...

But moving back on topic, how often to you see that in boxing?

Black Market

Where do they buy the drugs?
Who the hell has these things? I just.. no Im at a loss.

Runamuck chemists?
Truckies?

All the people I know who do drugs or are drug dealers are all like into Meth and the Mary-Jane...

Wow.. I suddenly painted my self as a shady character... no.. I just happen to know a variety of people.

And Im sorry to say it but it seems that drugs are booming in the gay scene.

This is going to be a short blog. Im with Waffles at the moment. I took him shopping. I love shopping with him. HE's my only guy friend and Im going to say it - shopping with women is a nightmare.

I want to scoop my eyes out with the dull knife.

Oh lets try this
And this and this and look at this.
Im not really gonna buy anything though. Just looking

Think of the man's welfare!!
For christ sake if Im here - entertain me
Fashion a Bikini !!

...
Calling all married men - Do you still find your wife sexually attractive? Or does it turn into something else?

And now I leave you with my photos. Muahhaha


Me Chilling on the grass


Me Riding a Cow


Me... after Asuka carved her name into my back


I managed to con Asuka into wearing my clothes (binder too!) in exchange for me wearing her clothes...and make up...and high heels...those photos shall be burnt


Me and a Kangaroo. True Aussie

All Alone

Two beers
Porn and a Wank

Thus concludes the eventful part of my evening.

Oh, then I took out the garbage, cuddled a little pink towel and cried.

Wow, anyone see some weird contrast?

My girlfriend left on Monday. Of course, I didnt cry. And I didnt cry Tuesday. Although I did feel odd about having this empty room and more silence in my day. Today was the day that I finally cracked. I dont know why but I like having her here. She is a good friend. A really good friend. God, I wish I didnt like her so much.

Love is like a damn Rubix Cube.
Everyone else can figure it out except me!

I damn well hate it.
Stupid love cube with all your colourful squares and combinations...

I talked to a teacher at school about having stuff changed on the record and stuff. Im now offically Alex the Male student ^^ (as offical as it can get withouth being illegal)

Apparently Im not the only one of my kind. Some others have come through but mostly MTF

I also said Id be happy to help with any gender/queer groups they have and she said that they dont have anything like that...but she thanked me for the offer.

Anyway lets talk about Tuesday as it's more important.

I went to the Shrink with my Dad!
My mum was suppose to come with us but she refused to go if my Dad was going.
So yeh.
At the start of the session it was just me for 3 minutes. I wrote a report on my life and expectations. I thought it would help get the most outta my money, you know. Brainstorm over a couple of days and write it all out because when I get into that room I forget everything and I only have 30 minutes to remember it all. The cheeky bastard read it during the session. I hoped he'd read it later when I wasnt paying for it.

:)

He said I was a really good writer and maybe I should do something with that.

Yeh, maybe I should...
Maaaaybeee I should....

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok so then my Dad came in and we both sat on the couch (yes! There are really leather couches!!) at opposite ends. The shrink refered to me as Alex and He. My Dad refered to me (on 90% of occasions) as Alex but as She. Very interesting and confusing conversation.

The questions were about what did he think of me and my transitioning and how the family will react and stuff like that.

Dad said he'd only seen my cry once
and then during the session I broke down and cried (it happens when you mention family or self-less deeds)
so the Shrink turned to my Dad and asked him how it is seeing me cry.

My Dad is a very logical man who addresses things in a very business manner just like the Shrink and on occassions, like myself. So the 30 minutes was very efficient.

I have to have another meeting with the Shrink and my brother - Demon (lol). Because he is a very important pillar in my life as much as he is a walking talking wankbag.

And also one with my mother and the Shrink (oh how I dread that)

Then I have to have 2 more sessions one-on-one (why does that sound kinkier than it should?...) and then I get my referral to another doctor! yay!

...I miss my GP.... :(

Ah, while we are talking about doctors guess what Ive been doing!

Forgetting to take my medication!!
Yes! How terrible! Its been about...3 days? And it feels rather weird.

To use a simile - Its like not wearing a seatbelt when your on a highway

Sure, from time to time you forget that your not wearing it but as soon as the car hits a bump or swerves a little - you feel it more than the other passengers.

I feel incredibly passionate! Whether that be a positive emotion or negative. I feel like I really love something but I can also really hate something. To the point where my blood boils and my knuckles turn white.

I hate guys with long hair!

Another thing discussed at the Shrink's office was another patient he was seeing who was really confident about transitioning, she went through all the doctors, got the ok, her family was behind her all the way...then after her second shot of T she chickend out.

I pity da fool! (Im sorry... just every time I say T it comes to mind)

Turns out she was a lesbian in denial.

Now, this is why I and all people wanting T (I pity the... Ok I got it. No more A Team) has to go through this system.

That very well could be me.

And me with all my insecurity thought "HOLY CRAP BATMAN! What if Im like that?"

Yes, I hate being called a Dyke
.... Actually thats it... that is all the ammo I have on that one.

I never liked the word Dyke. ESPECIALLY when used to describe me. I unexplainably found it inaccurate and offensive. And I could never call myself a lesbian without it feeling a little weird.

I could call myself gay easier though. Probably because its now Unisex

Hmmm.... yeh you see this is really tricky. I suppose I could call myself whatever I want. I dont care.
I like chicks (I love boobies!!!!) so if that makes me straight or gay whatever
I wanna wear the pants in this relationship. Im Da MAN! Call me 'he'! Call me 'Alex'! I like it. Im use to it now. It feels better than before.

I just wanna look a lot more like a man. I dont wanna be mistaken!! I wanna pass with flying colours!!!

There! Thats it! I couldnt be more honest!
Thats why I want T.
So everyone can look at me and go "thats a dude"
And I can look at me and go "Thats me!" and be fucking proud of it

M.I.A...again...

Bad Flash News:
My girlfriend gave me a haircut
My binder has a whole under the armpit

Ah...damn it. Busy
Homework still not done. Assigments due
Im dropping I.T. (Systems database programing)
Nice class, nice people
Hate the network at the school. Very poor.

I enjoyed reading some psuedo code a guy wrote about another class mate

Dim Peter As String

If Peter is gay = True
AddMen
ElseIf
AddWomen
EndIf

...
Wow..thats geeky humour for you
And now suddenly I have this craving for programming...

So! News that is actually important! Things that make me Queerer than Queer!
Well... today I saw a $2 Tarot Card reader
*Readers get up and leave*
No wait!!
I mean come on! Im lost here! I need some hope!
And being the commitment hating person I am I cant turn to religion..
So I turned to an old woman making a buck or two on the street.
After that, I saw the Tarot card lady.

AHA! Im so funny. I bet you wish you were me...
*Starts to tie a noose*

She said that in the next 6 weeks her reading will start to unfold. And this is what she told me -
I have to remember to give and take if I wanna achieve my goal.
I will find my answer in the next six weeks.
The shit people pile on me is a test. I need to cast it aside and stay strong to succeed.

On a random note I find myself addicted to the TV Show FRIENDS.
This is my girlfriend's fault
Im Chandler
Just without the humour. Maybe I should get Waffles to write for me.

Oh What is she doing? Well, she cooked dinner tonight. Muhahaha!
Then we watched the sunset. ... True story

I bought (Read: Asuka bought for me) a name plate (your know those kids ones) with Alexander on it. I put it on my door. Annnnd....when I came home my mum had taken it off and stuck it on my mirror. She said it ruins the paint on the door. True... true...
Maybe...
Mmmm...
ITS A CUTE NAMEPLATE!! I WANT IT ON MY DOOOOOOOORR!!!

My shrink talked to my girlfriend. Of course with me in the room. It was interesting. We came to the conclusion that Im spontaneous and unsure.

...Mmmm...

Well... I wanna transition. For sure.
Asuka says I should state it seriously and in a polite way because maybe the shrink doesnt believe me.

2 Things that are not so attractive about a boys life are...
One, Toilets are...just...bad if you needa use the cubical
Two, I got turned down for a job :(

A phone answering job at a Japanese restaurant.
And they said "Sorry. We are looking for a girl"
Wait...isnt that illegal?

Re: Condoms

Ok, well condoms are a good idea for all genders. And Im talking about the boy condoms.

So what does a penisless guy wanna use it for?
His toy
Cause he is lazy and doesnt wanna get outta bed and wash it.

yeh so I put a condom on my silicone cock, wack away and when Im done all I have to do it pull the latex off and put it in the bin beside my bed and go to sleep.

Another plus is that lube (that doesnt destroy my toy) is rather expensive. And condoms are pre-lubed in most cases.

And another thing with the cleaning is anal play. You can screw around in the back, rip your latex raincoat off and make a front extrance all clean :)

Oh yeh...and we can share toys if we wanted without transmitting STD or STI... but Im just not gonna do that cause I dont wanna take any risk.

So there you have it.

Oh and Im still under the belief that anyone who is curious is more than welcome to grope my body because yeh, if I was them Id pretty much do the same thing. So touch away, I dont mind.

I mean... I do it.

Closet Door

Whether or not this is going to be a good idea or not I dont know
But I opened my closet door to a guy in my Information Tech class.

He thought I was a 12 year old boy with a hormone problem that was lying and saying that he was 18.

So yeh, he kept asking me things about why I looked so young and stuff like that and so I said at lunch Id tell him why.

Lunch came and I didnt bring it up. I wanted him to just forget it.
However on the way back to class he stopped me and asked me to tell him what was the true story

So I said "Well, Im not really a boy. Im actually a girl"
He stopped and looked at me. And I slapped my binded chest just as something I do and laughed.
He was kinda wondering if I was kidding or not. There was that.. you know... smile with empty eyes.

So I explained it a little slower. Im an eighteen year old girl.
"Wow. So like what do you have like what?"
"Girl parts"
"woah.."

He had some questions and stuff.

"This is like a total head fuck. Your voice is deep and you just look like a guy. I just cant imagine you as a girl"

He began doing like... hand things. Covering the top of my head and my chin and stuff trying to find the part of me that was a girl.

It look a while but yeh he found it.

Mm, yeh the questions where like "Why do you wanna be boy?"
"So like youre a lezzo?"
"Does your girlfriend know?"
"How'd your parents take it?"
"Are you taking any stuff now?"
"What about last week when you wore a sleeveless top?" (In other words, how'd we miss the fact you have tits?)

Yeh he admited that its gonna change the way he talks with me.
"I cant do blokey stuff to you"

So the summary of last night is (apart from the fact it was a horrible day in general and that it was my birthday. And no... I didnt party. And no... I cant until the weekend atleast...stupid school assignments) - I pass well and to everyone in my school Im percieved as male.

I went shopping with Asuka... umm.... I bought condoms for the first time!!
Mix pack :)
Im Excited ;)

And luckily my girlfriend shares my enthusiam!
"Oh wow Glow in the dark! Multi colour! Oh hey which flavour do you like better banana or lemon?"
"I dont know. Why dont we do both ;)"
"('^_^) OK!"

Where's Wally?

MY BIRTHDAY SOON! Annnnnyway...

My girlfriend arrived last week so as you understand ive been busy

"But if she is cooking and cleaning for you... then what are you 'busy' doing?"

Good question.
I dont know.
But it seems that there isnt enough time in the day!

And with my girlfriend here Ive realised how useless my laptop really is...
Wow..
Now I feel kinda stupid for buying it...
Oh well!!

PHOTO SPAM!



Of course we have our nintedo fights...


And this me after being kicked in the koala berries
(Asuka is the blur in the background making a break for it)


Umm...something new...

Not much I guess.
Ive been taking my manhood out for a ride about every night (yay!) despite my non existant sex drive (not so yay!)
Im getting the hang of this 'having a dick' thing.

Hmmm.... I smell apparently. My girlfriend mentions it a lot....
Im also very hairy...

Maybe I dont need hormones after all!!

The strange thing about having my girl here is that she picks up on my differences and stuff like that seeing as we've been apart for about 5 months.
Im a lot manlier (spelling?) now.
I also speak like a girl. My voice goes really high
I snore a loudly...
And when I fart, I laugh about it


Ah the things you learn :P

Shes pointed out a lot of girly traits of mine
But damn it, I wont change!
Ive adopted a new phrase that ive been saying like a mantra
"Im comfortable with my sexuality"

I guess you can replace '$exuality' with anything really..
What I mean when I say this is.. .even though it may seem like Im being a gay guy or being a particular stereotype... I dont care and I wont change my actions out of fear of what you may think.

To make clear what Im saying the first time I used this mantra was when Asuka (my girl) and I were eating cakes. There was a pink doggie and a white penguin. I got the pink one..and yeh of course a Gay joke was thrown in.
So, I say my Mantra.
Rinse and repeat.

Sorry to keep you all waiting. Lol.
I hope everyone is well and I hope what Im learning keeps one of us from pulling our hair out from frustration.




Do I dare disturb the universe?
Yes.
Yes, I do.