Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lab Rat Alex - At it again!

Its 3:30am and I thought this would be a perfect time to get some things out and explain it a little. Im tired and thus Im going to be honest.

I predict this is going to be long so Im putting sub headings in

THE VOICE IN MY HEAD

The words WOMAN, GIRL, SHE, HER
Where said to me.
Ive never said them to myself. When you talk to yourself in your head. I never used those.

I didnt avoid labelling myself. It just never came up really.

But on the occasions that it did - I would be a BOY, a MAN, a HE

When I hear people use these words out loud which recently everyones seeming to do (which I appreciate) I get the shivers.

Its like... you know when you are paranoid about a secret. Like, you ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and you are really guilty about it yet nobody knows it was you.

Suddenly you get paranoid. As soon as someone says "did you enjoy yourself last night"
Your insides crawl out your ass and you feel like the prison spotlight is solely on you.

However, that someone is referring to a completely different incident that happened 'last night' and has no idea about the missing cookies.

Yes. (back on topic). When someone calls me Alex. Calls me He. This is how I feel. Its like "AH! THEY KNOW WHO I AM!"

But Id rather that shock then the terrible sickness I get when I hear people use my real name. I find that many people dont understand the hate I have behind it. Always have had behind it. (I thought it was normal to hate your own name)

So, if you wanna talk a walk in my shoes for a moment then here is what you do -
Go to a room full of people (eg, office meeting, tea party, staff room, random group of strangers)

When they all turn to look at you standing awkwardly at the entrance recite the following in a calm conversational tone of voice -

"Titty fuck titty fuck cow's balls felch. Yes, I do eat the heads of live puppies"

Then stand there for another 5 seconds (they will be the longest of your life) while everyone gawks at you. And once your time is up, leave the room in a casual manner.

In conclusion to doing so you will experience a feeling much like the one I get when my mother says "This is my daughter"
or "She is a martial artist"

Moving On.

HOW I SEE MYSELF

Right now Im shirtless and lying sprawled across my bed wearing the last pair of underwear I dare to wear. The rest still lie in a room called 'the laundry' which function still remains unknown to me.

I'll be completely blunt (cover your ears those under 18). I was bored so screwed myself a little and I felt very feminine. It really made me uncomfortable.

Hearing my own high pitched moans and sighs.
Glancing down at my breasts (btw, Fatalist whats ur opinion on She-males?)
Seeing myself reflected in the mirror as I washed my hands in the bathroom.

Gross. Just weirdly gross.
Like a freaky dream.
There is something definitely unnatural.

Half of me masculine and the other half feminine. Its eerie.
And its depressing.
My body will never be whole. I say "I can accept that" but.. there are moments I cant. Like before when I stood naked in front of that mirror.

Next year when Im physically more male I will be even further away from the body I have today.

So what happens when I stand infront of the mirror then?

UNDERSTANDING

Ive had some people tell me they are having trouble relating to me or understanding the feeling of being different in such a obscure way. This has come from all people - straight, gay and bi.

Fair enough. I mean, there are some people in this world I will just never understand. Like people who eat eel.
Or people who actually ENJOY Home&Away (To international readers: its a really crappy soap drama shit bag show)

But here is a little example I thought of and you cant expect a good reaction straight away. Its one of those "Ill tell you something and I want you to go home and have a long think about it" kind of questions.

If you are straight, imagine that you are the only person in the world who was that way. How does that affect you? How would you feel?
I remember Ellen did a episode like this.

And for people who cant understand why Id wanna change genders I ask them (if they are a boy... it works best with boys :) )
You are a boy right? You know it. You see it. You love chicks and such. Now imagine that everyone in the world is tell you that you are wrong. What you are doing is wrong. You shouldnt act that way that you must MUST act like girls. And you must put up with other guys flirting with you or calling you dirty names or whatever
Feels pretty crappy huh :)

GUESS WHAT I DID YESTERDAY
I bought a Junior Alex! Its a hands free model :) So with the lights off I can feel like a real man.

Complaints: I dont like penetration that much. The only reason Ive had such a desire for this model is because I wanna be able to make love to my girlfriend and HOLD her while Im doing it.

Such a simple desire.
And here I am willing to pay $200 bucks for it.

Apart from that... Umm, no real complaints. I think its alright. The reason I bought it so early (my girlfriend isnt coming for another 24 days) is because I wanted some practice time so I dont seem like a blundering teenager when it comes to show time (any tips on building the right muscles?)

And wait!
GASP!
Alex! Isnt it True that you are under 18?!

OMG!
FUCK!
YEH!
I AM!!!

And isnt it true as we have all seen that you look like a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy?!

OMFG!! YES IT IS!!!

So how in the hell did you get into 4 Adult shops without being carded (<= Means being asked for ID)?!

I have one simple word for you...

WAFFLES

Yes, Waffles.

Waffles is 18 so he was my tour guide and I owe it to him for saving my ass with his quick thinking on one occasion. The other 3 were my brains and the shop owners discretion.

Waffles went into one shop while I was reading a leaflet outside. When I entered the shop a moment later he called to me and waved me over so it was obvious we were together. Then when stood next to him with curiosity he whispered "They were asking for ID. Thats all"

Apart from that my other tactics were -
1. Calling in advance (I made enquires into stock earlier that morning)
2..well... there isnt a two

So yeah. I spent the evening and night lurking from adult shop to adult shop and it was hell fun.

I liken it to spending a few minutes with someone with very bad terretes.
I cant think of any other time when you would hear the words "Anus, nipples, vagina, cock" used so many times in a sentence.

WHAT I DID AN HOUR AGO
After some rummaging I found a porn. A PORN. God knows where the others went. Lost them probably. Anyway so I popped that in and watched with very little interest.
I remembered why I dont watch them anymore. Its just... no... just...no...I dont like it. There are just so many things wrong with it I wont waste time blogging about it today. Maybe I should become a porn director.

Anyway so the most positive thing that came out of that hour and a half was an idea. So I found a razor and went to the bathroom.

I was gonna dye my pubic area (NOT ALL! just some of it :) ) Blue.. yes, blue. But my girlfriend threatened that if I did so she wouldnt touch me. I know she was bluffing but I didnt wanna risk it.

So instead I gave myself a haircut down there. Its nice so far. Just a tad itchy. but it looks pretty nice.

Not all the hair is gone, just the underside.
I had to laugh through (not the best thing to do while holding a sharp object). I thought that now that Ive done it Ill have to keep it up regularly otherwise if it starts to grow back and my girlfriend decides to go down on me she might get a stupple rash :P

Mmm and I think that's about it!
If there is actually any trans people reading this gimme a buzz just to let me know you've read this. I dont expect any sort of commitment

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The working man

I was gonna do a security course (like my brother!) and be a bouncer. That kind of thing appeals to me.. but at 163cm and (*rushes off to the scales*) 50kgs it would take merely a gust of wind to move me from the Mars Bar doors.

It seems that even though I have a 6 pack, can clear 20 push ups on my fists easily and can bench press 25 -30 kgs means nothing...*sigh*

*flex*

Muhahaha

I went to the barber and got a haircut. I dont mind it. Its a little.. unusual I guess. I had a good chat to the lady doing my hair. Made me consider doing a hairdressing course at TAFE. I mean, I do have an obsession with hair...so it wouldnt be a bad field to look into.

In the shower (my dome of thoughts ((D.O.T.)) also known as my hydrobolic time chamber ((DBZ FAN))) I realised something.
God, I have an entire job laid out in front of me!
I could specialise in a LGBT trade!

Redistributer of Binders
Clothing shops selling male clothes for women
Barber shop specialising in FTM haircuts (trust me the right cut is VERY important when passing. 'Short' just doesnt always cut it! lol)
Adult shop *cough cough*
General accessories (Prothesis..isis? Watever the plural of that is..packers and what not)

The good thing is I know a lot about these things, have experience and a deep interest which is very important.

The down side is (statistically) Im marketing to 10% of the population.. and probably 2% of that is actually trans.

And .5% of that is FTM

Very small market there

But ah, hell it could be fun and make a few peoples lives a little easier.

Ordering binders online (convinient and easy as it may be) is a shit when you are under 18 and without a credit card.


RANDOM NESS!!


Thats my new haircut.
And thats something like the tattoo I wanna get. Of course, that one isnt real
みせもの!

Ummm... whats something else random...

My depression has lifted a little! Its no longer 24/7. Its now like...an hour a day

Umm.... I thought about some advice my girlfriend gave me and some advice that Waffles parents gave me... and I realised a few things. Probably one of the biggest (and kind of annoying) things is.. I really do need my girlfriend. She is probably the best person for me to be talking to because she challenges me.

And the only way Im going to become an adult and find peace inside is if someone challenges me.

Im a really stubborn person and I can be good at making people do what I want.
Under pressure Im very good with words :)

But yeh, that girl of mine is quite... strong.
Not in the same way as Waffles is (persistant bastard)
But in an equally powerful (Read:Annoying) way.

Both of you can go to hell.
Lol.

Stupid people.. how dare you enlighten me!

Mm anyway, I thought "I shouldnt be dating this girl, she isnt my type maybe"
She's... really different from other girls Ive dated.
But thats the thing - shes different. And its a good different. I think this is what they call chemistry? I dunno.

Shes fire and Im the wind.
Sometimes conflicting forces that cant exist without each other.

When I thought about it, a lot of things have changed about me. Pretty much all internal things but all positive things. Thanks to her. Whatever we have made is something I really wanna hold on to. I wanna know her forever.

Anyway, thats just what I think and Im looking forward to seeing what happens

Friday, January 25, 2008

I quit

Yeh, Ive just finished writing up my resignation letter. I'll be handing it in today and as on this Sunday I shall no longer be apart of Coles.

Which... yeh... kinda makes me feel a little sad. Because dispite the crap I liked it.

I do kind of hope when school gets going and thats all cool I can find a job at a mens clothing store or something.

Or anywhere really...

Any ideas for work?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Shrunken Heads

I woke up at 11am at Waffles house. At 2:15pm I had an appointment in the city. Without any other transport I took Waffles' bike and shot off. I think I must have broken like a time record or something.

Anyway so I managed to catch my train to the city then catch a taxi to the Shrinks office.

Yes! Today I got to see my psychiatrist for the first time. It was a 45 minute session where he asked me all these questions about my childhood, my parents and a bunch of other crap.

I had to bring my meds so I did a show and tell.
And yeh.. .he wants me off T..Until I get all the appropriate test done something something.
But it was only a suggestion.
And... yeh I should put my health first but with the itty bity teeny weenie yellow pokla dot amount of testogel Im taking.. its..just ..yeh..sorry my brain isnt functioning well... whats the word Im after..I dunno.

I just think its ridiculous.

Moving on.

At the end of the session he gave me a brief diagnosis.
Guess what?
Im classic Trangendered.
I freaking love that title. Makes me sound like a Magnum Icecream.
Also a contributor to me being trans is that .. Im a nervous person.

That I find being and acting 'butch' is a good defense.

Which is pretty spot on.

Now the plan with this guy is as follows -
In the next three months I must have 6 sessions with him (Check: booked and booked)

I must see another Shrink and they must also agree with my first shrink (Check:Found the guy)

I must also see psychologist (This is gonna take a while... stupid bastards are expensive. *cough* $600 *cough cough*)

Then when they are all in agreement I can start my hormonal ther-rape-me (sorry, love the joke. Expect to hear it again!)

So after the shrink I decided to walk back to the city (Read: Get lost and just happen to end up in the city anyway). I then walked to a place called "Second Story" Or storey.. or whatever the f^ck they wanna call themselves.

They are a youth group kind of thing and they sort of..well..specialise in Gay/Trans Youth.

Waffles Goes to their get together.
What a champ ;)

So they welcomed me in and they knew a SHIT load. We talked for probably 40 minutes about everything and anything. They managed to get answers out of me in a very passive and non-intrusive way. And then loaded me up with pamphlets and such.

One of them is for B FRIEND which is like a trans buddy system. Looks good and I think it would be worth giving them a ring.

The woman who runs the eve-olve (girls liking other girl section. The boys one is called.. inside out, I think) anyway her name is Tiff. So Tiff told me pretty much everything that I probably should have known and such.

So lets get on with the good news.

By law you must have 2 irreversable stages in your transition before you can be LEGALLY MALE. Hormonal therapy origanally wasnt included. Which meant that you'd need to take T, Chest surgery and then have something downstairs removed.

Ouch.

I...Id rather keep that

And thankfully I can as Hormone Therapy gets added to the irreversable stage list!

Tiff was also kind enough to give me a detailed account of chest surgery. Where its done, how many surgeons, what the pay plan is, am I covered by medicare ...So yeh.. that was really damn awesome.

Umm... that pretty much concludes my day (well, it doesnt but the parts that matter anyway)

Oh.. if I havent mentioned it Ill do it now - Yeh, I got in trouble at work. Well.. the buck was passed to me anyhow. So the Store manager is trying to relocate me (have me working in a different section of the store) but tomorrow Im just gonna tell him I quit.

Kinda sad.

A girl at work opened up to me and said that a lot of people there are feeling awkward 'cause they dont wanna offend me or they dont know how to talk to me. Word had spread from the Deli that Im transitioning.

Umm apart from that Im thinking about getting a haircut again. Something like a mohawk.

Err.... I love my girlfriend. I really really do. I think she is fabulous. I wish she was here right now to give me more support but obviously under the circumstances she cant so Im infinately grateful of her efforts to keep me happy and keep me going dispite the distance.

And thats it for this blog then! Unless I get around to making a video tonight.. if the damn Camera wants to work...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Customers Say the Darndest Things

Ah, Im sorry. I just get a kick out of the weird things people do and rather then let them waste away in my head I thought Id share.

Virginian Ham. Do you know it? Just a standard run of the mill processed leg ham. Lol.

For some reason, I cant keep a straight face when someone misreads the label and calls it Virgin Ham.

Lol.

I blame my inner child.

Another customer quirk I love is when the customer takes a ticket, you serve them, then they put the used ticket on the counter... RIGHT BESIDE THE USED TICKET BOX!
No more than a 1cm away.

Cracks me up.

This next one was a one off but it freaking made me laugh. A woman wanted a Salad but she didnt know what it was called so she described it "The..uh...the pasta thing... the spiraly pasta"

Ok you know the spiral pasta? Yeh, we've got one of those cold pasta salads made of that...that and corn...and thats all thats in it.

So I went "Ok"
Fetched the container and filled it up with the salad.

"NO! Not that one!" She cried
In turn I sighed.
Tipping the pasta back.

She pointed again at something called a Thai Noodle. "I said I wanted this one!"
I shook my head.
This woman's insane.
Thats not pasta, Its hokkein!

Hokkein Noodles are those yellow long noodle things found in Asian dishes. I have no idea how the word "Spiral" and "Pasta" came into their description!

This one I find more irritating.. When people try to singal wait they want with their eyes. They glance at it and say "That".

Not very helpful.

Or they sometimes bend from the waist and tilt towards it.

What the fuck - are you a divining stick? Just read the label you lazy bum.

This last one happens often but Im gonna use todays experience as an example.

My co-worker (who we shall call David) was calling out numbers. A crowd had formed and now it had passed leaving only 2 customers left.

"Number 23?"

Nobody moved. The customers waited. Their eyes glued to David. Waiting for their number.

"Is there a number 23?" David repeated. "Number 23!!!"

Yet again, nobody moved. David looked at the man to the left and asked "What number are you sir?"

"Number 23"

LOL!! Sorry, it happens often. I have no idea why. It seems like they are listening but perhaps they are in a dream world. Or maybe they just think we are mind readers.

All work talk outta the way lets get down to business.

I had a lot of thinking time today. I wanted to ask my readers a question. Even if you dont have young childen just think about it hypothetically.

Would you let your child associate with a Gay/Lesbian or Transexual (Pre-Hormone or During Transition)

To be honest, my first instinct was to say No. I dont want my child to have any ...unusual influences.

Sounds really cruel doesnt it.

My reasoning though is that I dont want my child near negative energy. People in the LGBT community in general have... hazy pasts and carry a lot of negative experiences. I want to keep my kid away from that

Id hate for them to find out at such a young age that life is really really shit.

But on the other hand, having them aware of the issue and socialising with the person would be really benefical. Teaching them that we are all basically the same and as a result decreasing the amount of ignorance in the world.

But yeh - What would you do? What ARE you doing, if anything. Im really curious...

Ummm.... what else.. what else... Umm..

Im still depressed. About being a girl. Being this... thing...
Its like being the colour gray. God that must suck.

There is probably one thing I like about being a girl - manipulation.
Its a lot easier to do.

People respond differently to different genders.

Like today I was passing very well. The man who waited at the bus stop (for the bus that never came! Damn this city!) started talking to me and then offered to let me ride alone with him to the train station when his wife picked him up.

Now I know that if he saw me as a girl he wouldnt have done that.

For the record I definately knew he thought I was a boy. I gave him the name Alex and he referred to me as a "Young Lad" along with all the appropriate pronouns. Made me happy :)

On the more negative side of passing.. or.. well.. not passing clearly..

As we were waiting a drunk guy stumbled up. I glanced him then looked away.

"What?" He slurred. I checked to see who he was talking to. Unfortunately...me.

"What dyuu looking at?"

I ignored him.

"Poofter"

I kept ignoring him.

"You're a poof arent cha. I can see"

I looked back at him and shook my head. Disapprovingly.

"Yeh.. yeh. I know.. your a fucking poof"

ARGH GOD, Sorry I interrupt this blog to bitch. This void in my chest is growing and its just eating me.

Alcohol doesnt fix it. I know.
But it makes it easier to ignore.

I always wished I could be normal. I wished that one day I would wake up and love men and enjoy make up, skirts, pretty things and be like a normal girl.

If not that, just be able to live a life thats acceptable. Something that wasnt so painful as how I was living at the moment.

God, it doesnt work like that.
Its more normal if Im a boy.

Which is strange isnt it. If you look at it simply - "Im changing my physical gender to male" It looks so big and messy.

But its not like that at all for me.

Saying "Im changing to be a girl"

THAT seems extreme. Even when I was trying - I was still failing. I just looked like a gay guy.

God, why did you do this? He cant be real. I know it.
If there is a god, he wouldnt make me - the mistake.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Couldnt be more Aussie

A warm day. Lots of sun and a dry breeze.
Today I was a truckie.

Im in a place a long way from home. Most people have never heard of.
Out here, I fit in as a drop kick. Dirty hands. White singlet. Orange safety vest. Bacon and Egg McMuffin and a cold ice coffee.

Yeah, baby. I was a truckie.

I went to work with my brother. He is a Pink Lady.
All laughter aside, Ill address those who dont know what that is. Pink lady is a hygiene service. They travel to where ever someone has their product (Supermarket, Office, Pub, Restaurant, Public Park Toilet) and change the sanitry napkin bin, nappy bins, Sharps bin, soaps, air fresheners and so on.

He drives a smallish truck. A transit to be exact.

I helped him do his rounds today and I enjoyed it.

I know you are all probably thinking "how is touching THOSE bins fun? Thats just gross!"

Well, actually... it takes a lot to disgust me.
Especially smells. There are very few smells I cant handle.
Urine, fart, feces, 2 week old used tampons... yeh. Doesnt faze me. I couldnt care less.

Oh you know what i hate though? (Generally) Toilet Air fresheners you buy for your house. Dude, in my opinion a heap of a fat guys diarehhea would smell better. Seriously, I cant stand it.

ANYWAY!

So I found the job interesting. I mean, its toilet business! And I got a VIP access to see both worlds up close! Men and women!


For one - I mean, my brother being a ...man...he has problems with changing the female toilets and stuff. He has to knock, then annouce he is coming in and ask if anyone has an issue (which they usually do) and he has to then wait outside before going in to do his work.

And thats a bit of a hassle because there are about 7 girls on average in the toilets when he does the rounds.

...At 9:30am...

I mean, who has to piss that early? Or even take a dump for that matter. Isnt that a before work activity?

Sorry, Im getting sidetracked...so yeah...

Me being female I could do the female toilets without that stupid waiting. Which meant the job was done quicker.

And then I moved onto the mens. And men dont look at each other anyway so I really have no problem at all.

Now my most interesting fact for the day is about soap.

Now, soaps at your restrooms are changed every fortnight and the container inside the dispenser is about 500mL

In the female toilets, at the end of that fortnight, there is about one forth of that left in there. A very small amount really.

BUT IN THE MENS ROOM..

There was more than half still there. Probably about 2/3 still there on average. In some places, they didnt even need refilling.

IN TWO WEEKS, 1/3 OF THE SOAP IS USED!!!

My GOD is that gross or WHAT!


Um...after that I got left home alone which meant I got continue my drinking. After a couple of beers I went outside and chatted to the little kids across the road. It was apparent that Im not passing. Im getting too old. Lol.

The little girl (8 years old) said to me after I subtly refered to myself as male.

"You know... your kinda half girl and half a guy"

I wanted to get more out of what she meant. Like whether my voice was too high or it was my intonation but she couldnt put her finger on it.

The little boy though (12) just seemed to ignore any real gender thing. We talked martial arts, boxing, motorbikes, bikes, cars, weights and strength and so on..Then we did flips and wrestling moves on the trampoline. Man I havent been on one of those in about 9 years.

Yeah it kinda really set me back to when I was 12 and talking with my mates.

I was rather ...um.. not smashed but I was rather buzzed so I carried on a conversation with them like I would if I was their classmate (I usually have some uncomfortable barrier with kids.. but it seems beer takes that away).

yeh.. It kinda brought back memories. Scratched up some old wounds and what not. I felt the same kinda exhasperated feeling when talking to girls. It was like "I...I just dont have anything to say to you. You are from a different planet"

Yesterday at the trainstation I found a baby kitten. Its not more than 3 weeks old. Its kinda...ferral. I guess. A mungral of course.

But yeh, its kinda cute. Im not really a cat person. Im taking care of it. Feeding it. Flea bathing it and myself (damn fleas) and right now its asleep in my lap which means my tattered left hand gets a rest.

We dont know if its a boy or a girl so we cant find a name for it. I thought Marco would be alright. As in Marco Polo.

But also, Im probably gonna give it away so I really cant be bothered thinking up names and stuff for it.

Anyway, its because of this cat and the little kids next door that I felt a little... negatively nostalgic if that makes sense.

They called it "He-she" and "Girl-Boy" in conversation when the need for pronouns or direct gender referencing arose. And yeah, that made me feel really unhappy cause it reminded me of some of the names people called me.

On a brighter side, ive made endless pussy jokes.

And I thought while lacking a better name I should call the cat - Dog.

If Im gonna be a Lady Boy then damn it, why shouldnt my cat be a pussy pup?

Friday, January 11, 2008

PAIN - Opps I did it again.

No, not with a needle. Actually I have no fucking idea WHAT I did. I was at work - Working (no joke!) and suddenly I get a pain down my neck, pain and right arm.

Lol. And as you do when your in pain you stop breathing (as I do) and my body goes rigid. Then as it passes you go back to normal.

In the meantime, everyone else (customers included) think Im completely off my rocker, freezing up every 2 minutes.

Now it wasnt the best hour of my life - People staring, No oxygen, Pain and so on...

To top it off I started to get a little ...uh... outta sync? I dont know. I couldnt use my hand properly (yeh I was pretty bad all through the day. Paintings were moving and I colours had smells.. it was..just...wow anyway back to the story)

So I slammed my finger in the glass cabnet doors.
Twice.
In the same place.

So I gave up. It was just too uncomfortable.
I told my manager that Im giving up (they could knew I was in pain)
Anyway so the store manager was called 'cause she is also the safety manager and she has to do all this safety bull crap and lada da da first aid.

And for reasons I cant fathom, I cried.
I just started crying. I tried to fight it but it came out and it baffled everyone.
Me mostly!

Personally, I blame the estrogen. Fucking sucks donkey balls.

So after talking to the manager and getting dismissed for the day I went to the bathroom (with my cap pulled low so nobody could see my face) I hid under the sink and fucking cried like a baby.

Ah, I feel like such a failure when I cant control myself. My emotion or my body (like my dead arm).

So I went home and rested. My friends came over last (with beer! YAY! But I had medicine so I couldnt drink it! Boo!)

So I felt better listening and talking to them.

And after they left and I apologised to my girlfriend for getting irritated at her I went to bed. YAY.


Umm, something else...something else...

Ah, I like my new binder (that I got for christmas). Its tight enough to bind but not tight enough to kill me and hurt me when it rolls up.

Ummm....

Im very much depressed at my reflection. Lol. As much as I see a young boy I know everyone else can see Im a girl. Especially when I open my mouth and talk.

My mum picked on me today for deliberatly lowering my voice when talking to a store clerk at the mall.

I had this weird dream two nights ago about going against my mother and brothers wishes to go out to a party as a boy. And as they yelled at me and told me how stupid and horrible I was I pulled a gun from my bag and agressively got them outta my way (No, I didnt shoot them)

Then last night I had a dream in the same kind of setting but I explained somehow to my mother what I was feeling and she understood and was supportive.

I think this is god trying to give me a very straight forward message.
But I dont have the balls to have this kinda arguement with my mum.

There was a show on Tv about the most amazing moments in this decade or something like that. An the drug-test-cheating-chinese-female-swimmers were on.

Built like men they were. Thanks to steriods.
My mum was going on about how disgusting and unnatural and all that it was. Then turned to me and said (not in a bitchy voice or anything) "I suppose you think thats attractive?"

And that made me think "You have no fucking idea do you".
Id been wondering for a while what she thought would happen when I take testosterone. Because I can tell by her arguements she hasnt the faintest idea what the stuff does!

These chinese women still looked like women. With biceps and a dicklet but still.. women.

Id hate that!

For me.

In answer to my mothers queston actually I do find that attractive. As a Sadomasochist its been an ambition of mine to be sodomised/violated/beaten around by a rather strong tomboy. A tomboy but still someone who identifies as female.

So a steriod taking chinese female athlete would be someone Id do.

~*~*~
TO MY WIFE:
No, Dont take steriods. They are bad for you. But you can still sodomise/violate and beat me if you want ( ^_^)

~*~*~

But for me to be a steriod taking martial artist? No. No thats just wrong.

Im a keen body builder. I love to see myself with a crazy amount of muscles for a girl and a 6 pack and what not.

But thats it! Im a girl! And if you compared me to any other 14 year old non athletic boy we'd be about the same.

Im doing this to pass. Im doing this so I know that no matter what my disability I can still make this playing field level.

If I were to be male, I wouldnt bust it out and be the next Arnie. Thats just gross.
I appreciate the toned body. Which looks subtle but quite powerful.

Ever seen a male ballerina? They have some amazing bodies.

Lol. I just remembered my P.E. Sex/Drug education lesson back in middle school when they were talking about the effects of steriods on men and women.

When it came to women what did they say... Increased clitoris, masculinizing of the face/body... shit I cant remember all the things they said or how they said it but I remember sitting there and thinking to myself "...so...thats..like a bad thing?"

~*~*~

TO FATALIST:
I love learning about language. Someone great once said "First you must know your opponent before you slaughter them"

With the English language, I take the same approach.

If you are wondering why I use a lot of spacing its because I use to write fictional stories online and when you are reading something on the computer and you see a bug chunk of test its actually quite daunting and hard to read. So I found spacing it out keeps the readers interest and makes it easier to digest. That and I found men cant/wont read big blobs of text unless it has a pretty picture in the middle to break it up.

But writing erotic fiction then putting a pretty picture in the middle defeats the purpose.
Kinda Irish... if you will.

(No, kinky fiction isnt the only thing I wrote. Give me some credit!)

Now what was I talking about I forgot... oh yeah! Cockney such and such. Yeh go ahead. Tell me whatever you want Im interested to hear it. You sound pretty smart which makes me wonder... what are you doing here?

Also when you said football I knew you meant soccer because somehow I knew you were a Pom...

Regardless of that, you still have balls to come out to your mates. What were the best and worst reactions?

P.S: Yep most of this is of no interest to you
~*~*~

Ah! YES! I must have a Closet T Party...
I remembered this today as I made myself fairy bread (how manly of me)

Say what you want, fairy bread kicks ass.

You know what else kicks ass? Hanh Beer.
awwwww Yeah.

Cheers Waffles.

I think my heaven is me... sitting on a cloud with my wife and she's feeding me lychees (THOSE THINGS ROCK!!!) and Im sipping a cold hahn lager.

Aww yeah~

Ok its now almost 1am! As I have somehow managed to sleep through the entire day I have to find ways to quietly entertain myself until morning!

Oh speaking of masturbation I have news!
No, dont give me that look its not what you think.
I wanna make a retraction! Seriously, stop giving me that look.

It seems I had a flashback the other day and this whole "my wang is swollen and painfully sensitive" HAS happened before! I do remember! It was about 2 or 3 years ago though. So there, we can wipe that off the list of "Things T might have done to me"

Its quite and interesting experiece. I have no real.. mental..want. You know what I mean? The body is all "Do it!Now" but the mind is completely ... not interested. Rather amusing really (Read: Painfully frustrating)

My boxing trainer came today and said that I had a stupid amount of muscle that wasnt there last time. (My last lessons was Pre T )
So... yeh..muscle gain? That could be a possibility.

And seeing as I have run out of beer and must return to the fridge for more I shall leave you now with pictures of me. 'Cause I rock your socks and you know it baby.





Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Its only human nature

Everyone was cranky today. Dont believe it!

Usually we get on average 1 bad customer a day. And what I mean by bad are the kind of people who are really cranky or rude to you and wanna make you feel bad.

Today... I personally.. had three or four.

Mcanonymous said to me once after I told her about one customer "Who are these people? Ive never spoken or seen anyone speak to employees like that"

Yep, this is another one of my reacting-badly-to-a-misunderstanding rant.

Example:

Today. 3pm

"Can I have a small coleslaw please?"

"Sure. Any other salads?"

"No thank you"

*I go to get the container*

"That was the coleslaw, was it?"

"Yes, but it doesnt look like there is enough to make a full container. Is there anyway you can just give me whats left and discount it?"

"No, Im sorry. Salads are done by container. Meaning you pay for the container. What we can do is fill it up with another salad as well"

"Well, I dont want another salad. Cant you just discount it?"

"No Im sorry we cant. Because you pay for the container, not by weight"

"Fine!"

*She was irritated with me at this point, pulled her trolley away and disappeared. I sighed*

"Number 47?"

"Yeah right here mate!"

"Hi how can I help you?"

"Hey, Umm.. I was just after 200 grams of the -"

"EXCUSE ME! I SAID I WANTING SOMETHING ELSE!"

*Everyone looks at the woman I previously served now standing down the other end of the deli in the fish section*

"Im sorry! *literally red faced* What else would you like?"

"Fish"

*She points at it. Refusing to look at me*

"There you go. Im sorry. Have good afternoon"

*Scoffs and rolls her eyes as she very quickly snatches the package outta my hand and charges off*

I felt pretty bad.
Its not like I deliberately ignored her.

Do customers really think thats what we do? That we are giving you the wrong product, mishearing something, miscalculating things on purpose? Just to fuck with your head and make your life difficult?

Luckily for me Number 47 was a guy with his wife and kids and they saw the whole thing and did their best to boost my ego and compliment me on my service.

This rant isnt just for when you are being served.. I mean, anytime really... if someone does something wrong stop and think for a freaking minute - are they really doing it deliberately?

I remember my ex-girlfriend got all shitty at me one day because I took a photo of her. Then, she took it upon herself to my the rest of my day hell until I made her feel better.

Apparently saying "Im sorry" doesnt fix anything these days.

But making the 'guilty' member feel embarrassed/bad or worse than you does?

What the fuck Jeeves, just what the fuck.

OTHER NEWS!

I had lunch with the security guard. He is freaking awesome. He's into weights, motorbikes, women, philosophy and breast appreciation - So we have a lot in common.

I was introduced to him as a guy and he was a little thrown by that and so for the entire lunch he was trying to get me to admit to him I was a girl. Not in an evil way. He just wanted me to clarify. He'd already heard my situation from my manager.

I wanted to toy with him so I didnt tell him anything until he was getting desperate and his face was starting to go red and contort like something was being rammed up his ass.

He was curious. Bless him.

We talked about our girlfriends and what not and it was nice to have a blokey bloke to talk to.

He also said to me "It was just a little weird though because you give off two kind of messages. Like I can see your a girl but I can also see your a guy and I dont know what to believe"

A lot of people feel this way, Im gathering. I really dont mind at all. I wouldnt wanna change myself to make it all fit "this way" or "that way".

It was an interesting comment to go back to work with. As I scrubbed Satay from the plastic dividers I thought about identity and understanding yourself.

Ive progressed a lot in the past year. Rather rapidly when you think about it. Whether that is good or not I dont know.

Im 100% certain I wouldnt change any of my decisions.

Im not happy in a girls body. Its too different to my self perception. This isnt something you can "Grow to accept"

My body is changing in ways I dont want it to.

The thing that all transexuals seem to say is "My body and mind didnt match"

For myself, I never found that true. I thought "well.. its all me...so I cant say it doesnt match"

But its true. It doesnt match. Its like my perception of how Id be when I was older - Its a delusion that I havent come to accpet.

***** never felt like my name. But I responded because thats what people called me.

I didnt like the feminine traits in my face and body but I accepted it because its what the mirror showed me.

But when I day dreamed or slept I was always male. I even remember dreams I had as a kid where I was male (One dream was that all high achieving students got to be granted a wish at the end of the year. Being one of those students I wished to be a boy and the dream was about my first day as a boy. I was 10 when I had that dream)

Anyway, now Im just blabbering...so Ill wrap it up.

At first this problem seemed really foggy and larger than life but now... its a lot smaller and everything seems straight forward (as much as it can be).

I think one day my mother should read this because I dont know any other way to make her understand.

Sometimes you dont realise something until the last minute.
But as they say its never too late.

KUNI:
I have no idea. I havent seen that before. But... I think...its something like Rhyming (Rhyme) Slang.

Like we say "See you later, alligator", "Im going to use the dog-and-bone (Telephone)
There is no meaning, just it rhymes.

Actually, what you said didnt rhyme... but it was cute. So maybe its just a cute thing. I dont know. I seriously dont know...


FATALIST: Wait, let me get this straight (no pun intended) ... you came out to your mates AT a football game?

If thats the case then...

ARE YOU SUICIDAL?! I couldnt think of a more intimidating atmosphere to be open. It would be like me standing at a urinal and saying to the man next to me "You know, Im actually a little girl"

You've got balls, mate. I hope your friends realised that.

I dont think its a show of courage you admit to the world apart of yourself. Its nothing like courage at all. Stupidity is probably a better word.

There are times when you should keep it to yourself. And I dont want anyone to get all uptight about gay rights or whatever because thats just annoying...

I mean, on my bad days Im a NAMBLA supporting Neo-Nazi... but I dont go to Jewish run daycares and tell them. Thats just asking for it.

No, you know what I think is admirable - People who can hold there tongues. People who can put up with crap. People who pick there fights and know when to say something and when to shut up.

YEH~

Right on~!

Something tells me Im right off the mark with this one.. but whatever...

WAFFLES, gimme a hollar baby... people might beniefit from your cynical comments and sacastic commentary

Monday, January 7, 2008

From the woman who puts up with me...

I asked my girlfriend to write a little thing about dating me and whats its like. And here it is!

~*~*~

Hello Im Alex's girlfriend.
umm.. today ill tell you how i feel about dating him.

but first i tell you about myself.
Im Japanese and 18 years old. same age with him.
and Im straight..lol
my ex-boyfriends were boys.
and i had never fallen in love with girls.

I met Alex at the BBQ party.
he didnt speak to me and my friends.
and I thought "ill never meet him.only today."
and he was sitting on a chair alone so I spoke to him.(what a nice person i
am! lol)
I interviewed him about himself.
and yeh.. i was given his email address and promised him i would chat on
MSN when i got to house.
because he was keep saying negative things.. like.. You wont email me...

and we talked on msn and decided to meet each other again.

and yeh... we started dating.
maybe when i started dating him,i was thinking "alex is a boy."

and the more i know about him,i felt.. oh alex is a girl.
but then i didnt think its gross!! or anything like that.
when we did.... 'it'... umm..the first time,i didnt know what to do to be
honest.

but
i didnt care about his sex or what body he has.
I love him as a person.
and i treat him as a boy.

Im a person.. and he is too.
a person loves a person.thats all.
as a fact,we are loving each other.
so there is nothing problem i guess.

the only problem between us is we cant meet each other because we are
living in different countries.
thats all i guess:)

we sometimes...often... have arguments,but it happens to every couples.

the good thing is he can understand me as a girl.
i mean alex understands girls' feelings or something like that too.

the most important thing is not if he is a girl or not.

the most important thing is if we are loving each other and care about each
other.

anyway I love Alex and wanna keep our relationship as long as we can:)

~*~*~

And there you have it.

By the way I should clear things up

1. No, we arent married but I call her my wife. Why? She cleans my clothes, cooks my dinner and makes subtle comparisons of me to other guys. How much more wifey could she get?

On the other hand, I fix her electronical crap, drink her beer, forget our anniversary and let her spend my money.
How much more of a husband could I be?

2. I think we've been dating for about 7 months. Im not sure and I dare not ask.

3. Im more aware of whats going on than Ill tell you.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

More Photos

Sorry, I forgot that yesterday to keep myself busy I uh...decided to give my make up skills a test run.

Ive noticed that application time has decressed but the overall effect has stayed about the same.

I did the entire face in probably 15 minutes and I didnt have to wash away any mistakes.

Ive also fine tuned my method of application.





HOLIDAY!

2 day weekend! YEAH!! I get today and tomorrow off so Im enjoying the consecutiveness of it all.

I also scored a TV!
And nicked the DVD player and hooked it all up.

So my room is 2 steps away from perfection.

At the moment is has -

1. Double Bed
2. Laptop with internet connection
3. TV
4. DVD
5. Guitars
6. Some groovy Speakers

We are missing
7. A bar fridge.
8. My Wife.

I guess this is the 8 step programme.

Hmm, I just had an idea... must make a note. Ok...ok good now what was I talking about.

I dont know.

Well, let me just tell you the last thing I remember.

My mum had the radio on in the car and the song Georgie Girl or whatever its called came on the radio. She then told me about this was a theme for a movie or something. Then after a long silence she said "In the end she just learnt to accept herself on the inside"

...

Paranoia perhaps but the tone seemed to indicate she was referring more to me than the movie.

And that made me wanna laugh because I thought .. "wait...isnt this accepting and realising I am male accepting myself? Inside of denying it and trying to fraud my way through life?"

Yeah, so... today I was thinking about my life again. Mainly my childhood (I was thinking about my brother and thats the time when he was in my life most).

I remember growing up knowing I was different. Not "Gay". Just different. I wasnt like any of the girls. I wasnt even like the tomboys. I kept trying to figure out what made me different.

I thought it was because I had brothers. Because Id hung around with them so much before starting school that it was just what I was use to.

I think I even recalling asking my mum about it. Asking why I was so much like a boy. How come Veronica (a girl at my school who also had three brothers) was just like all the other girls?

I then started to find any memories (of ANYTHING at all) before 8.
I remmebered being in the bathroom with the door locked drawing on my face with facepaint. I drew goatees and moustaches. I thought it was cool. Then I remember my mum not being to happy when she found me.

She didnt scold me. Just she looked a little concerned.

I remember at Christmas when I was about 6 we got these little backpacks from my Auntie (shes actually a lesbian :P ). One was red and the other was blue.

My brother got the blue one. I was so angry about it. I wanted that blue one. I remember arguing about it because he wouldnt trade with me.

"Its a girls colour!!"

Actually it was red and apart from that it was completely identical to the blue one. But it kind of strikes me as interesting that at 6 I see colours as a divider of genders and that Im actually annoying to be put as a girl.

I can remember my first lesson is defining genders. Appropriately enough, it was in the bath. I use to have baths with my brother up until I was about 3. After one night I asked my mum "When I grow what he has?"

:P

God sometimes I cant wait till I have kids and hear all the interesting questions they have and hear all their opinions of the grown up world.

Speaking of childhood. I was also into not wearing clothes. As I think a handfull of kids are (and some never grow out of)

Today my friend came around. We havent seen each other in a while. A year perhaps. After watching a few DVDs I decided to give her the full story on why I was sent home from Japan.

She listened contently and understood a lot because she too is currently an exchange student and from Japan so she knows about the rules of studying abroad, terminology and also Japanese culture.

When I finished telling her the story she took me by surprise by extending her arms and pulling me into a very tight hug.

Ive been watching a TV show called MEDIUM. God, I love it. I love getting a bit spooked and enjoying the sacastic humour and the reality of the home life..

Or so I thought.

As Im coming to the end of season 1 Im realising my focus is resting somewhere other than the plot.

Dude, Double D's!
The woman who plays Allison Dubois (Patrica Arquette) is like 5'2 with these massive boobs. Nicely shaped and bursting from her night top...

Usually I dont really have a thing for big breasts ... they are just uncomfortable (to sleep on, to hug, to touch etc.).

I guess you could liken them to Holden Commodores.
They look nice but when you take it home you realise its not that great afterall.

Practicality aside, yes. Yes those are some nice boobies.

I know its a crude note to finish on but ..

Who doesnt like boobies?

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

To the readers

1. Benny - Your sick. I like it.
2. There was no alcohol swabs or anything like that. I had to settle for just washing the area.
3. Thanks for the tips.
4. Yeh, I tried to go to the doctor but it was a no-go. I also bugged all my friends who are involved in medical fields to help me out but they wanted to part of it (Legal reasons).

I uh...dont exactly have the paper work for the meds.

Doppelganger

A boy wakes up in a double bed. One arm stretched far and the other close to his bare chest. His small fingers touching the emptiness.

It feels rather lonely.

But not for long, he thinks to himself with a smile.

And with that thought propells himself out of bed, ready to repeat the daily routine.

A mouth full of pills chased with water.
An application of Gel.
Quick email check.
Finish dressing.
Then off to work.

Lunch swings round later than usual and this boy is still too busy to sit and eat. He takes it to go while lurking the busy streets, visiting shops, chatting up the assistants and admiring the finely dressed maniquins.

"See you later, Alex!" They say as he leaves the shop a newly bought shirt in hand.

Its back to work for a few more hours before heading home. Another day done.

Its somewhere during the ride home that something strange happens.
A transformation.
Where the young boy in the train seems to fade away and a young girl takes his place. Although the change is slow and usually unseen to the untrained eye the difference is obvious.


This second character is nervous, visibly confused and submissive. Her aura murky and face cast down.

This girl goes 'home' to 'her family' and has dinner with them. She meets the neighbours and family friends and replies vaguely about what she is doing in 'her life'.

Then again, at some undefinable point between walking down the hallway and shutting the door to a bedroom, this girl disappears again.

And there stands only Alex in his room.

People tell him often "You look so different to how I saw you before"

To which he replies "You didnt see me before. It was a doppelganger"


~*~*~

Yes, Ive noticed that Alex and this person whom my parents refer to as their "daughter" are now living seperate lives.

I...find it....important. As much as I dont like it. It keeps the peace.

My mother and brother both reject what Im doing. For different reasons.

I realised that its always been that my brother enjoys making me feel bad by picking on everything I do.

I think there is a lot of irony to the problem really. He blames my mother for his low self esteem and asks me to 'join his side' when infact it is he that has destroyed my self esteem and my mother who has preserved whats left of it.

Anyway,

Not having support from family or from someone you admire sucks. I dont really enjoy living this doppelganger life. I wish my mother and I could both have this journey together.

Im having a second childhood. I still want her there for it.

My brother can burn in hell though. If he dislikes me that much and wants me dead then thats all cool. Im not the least bit fazed about leaving his life. (ah, am I too cold perhaps?)

Any other news: My arms doesnt hurt as much! Also, I got a hair cut.
The End

PAIN - Life's way of telling you you messed up

Hello.

Happy New Year.

And all that Jazz.

2 days ago I decided to inject myself.

The origanal argreement was that my friend Dj_Jo would do it for me. Why? Im not to sure - I think she just likes hurting me. ;)

Her mother is also a Nurse so yeah if anything major went wrong atleast there would be someone in the house that could help (if it came to that!)

So yeh, on Sunday I went to the Dj's house and I also invited another friend (Mcanonymous who shall her on be known as Makka).

So all three of us sat in Dj's Bedroom and for 40 minutes we umm'd and err'd over how the fuck this injection was going to happen.

=== Short Story ===
I ended up doing it...badly...
===================


===LONG STORY===

AIM: To Inject Sustanon 100 (Intramuscluar) into my upper arm.

METHOD:

Google, Wiki, Youtube. Three kings of our ages!

We Youtubed videos of people giving themselves T. Injections.
Then, after 30 minutes of trying to get the ampoul open (the vial that contains the T) we googled "How to open ampoule".

And luckily there was an instructional medical video on how to open it. It said to use a clean blade to scratch around the neck which then makes it easier to snap off. I took a video of the whole event.

In short, it was full of bad language, incompetense, adult themes and racial slurs.

So I cut the crap and made a shorter version.

[Flashback]
A got a phonecall in Japan saying that I had to return to Australia. Id told them I wanted to live as a guy and it didnt go down well. That was pretty much why I got sent back despite what the company wants to tell you or what my family wants to tell you. That phone call devestated me. Learning that in less that 14 hours Id be on a plane home without even a goodbye to my friends. Most of which didnt learn I was gone until Id landed.

The pain of all that was probably one of the worst. Id worked for going to Japan for 4 years and in less than 3 weeks I totally destroyed that.

When I realised Id fucked up the injection that feeling of disapointment and sadness came back. Not as badly of course :)

The poor quality and short cut of the film means you cant see or hear what I said before turning the camera off.

Yeah, I wasnt a happy chappy.

[End Flashback]






Results: I have no idea. Im still horny. Voice is gay. Im very irritable and angry but that is more to do with my failure.

Conclusion: Swing and a miss

Notes: MY ARM FUCKING HURTS!!! The next day it was just a little sore. Then I had work. New years eve, it FUCKING HURT! Like a muscle cramp from hell. I woke up in bad pain as I had tried to sleep on my left side.

The pain is not just the injection site but the back of the upper arm muscle (if that makes sense).

Umm.... I have a horrible depression? I think thats the only news I have.