Tuesday with my brother

Hello, Im blogging from my brothers house. Im staying here until Friday.

My mum and I had a venting session and I wanted a little bit of time away before I really got angry.

So here I am.

Well, Im excited! My binder is on its final count down now....annnny day. Im so looking forward to that.

At the moment Im using a Tight Lycra (or spantex, I dont know) Gym shirt. I bought this in Japan at UNIQLO for about 2000 yen. Which is about 20 bucks. This is generally tight and clingy so it smooths out my body but doesnt flattern. The advantage of wearing this is my nipples are covered and Im 'supported' with out a bra.

Under this I usually wear lots and lots of shirts. Just plain white T-shirts. This makes me look a little 'bulkier'. Im a really thin guy so yeah...this illusion helps!

So, my dressing order is Tank top (my underwear).
3 White T-Shirts
Spandex Gym Shirt
And finally my dress shirt or whatever Im wearing f0r the day.

In winter, this is all a blessing. Its so warm!! But its becoming summer so yeah, its getting a little hot.

Back to my family now.
It seems my mother is having the most trouble adjusting to me being...well...different now. My brothers are ok with it but of course after living together and growing up with a little sister there are just things they need to sort out.

My second eldest brother recommended the entire family go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist so we can all talk about this problem together (with myself going alone on some occasions and possibly other family members doing the same if they felt they needed to). We would talk about the different problems we might encounter and how to deal with them.

The most obvious example is learning how to deal with people who dont agree with me. What I can do, or my friends and family can do, to try and avoid a potentially dangerous situation.

I think this is a good idea.

I was reading up on the 'side effects' of Testosterone. Well, I was curious... How big does your clitorus get? and what does it look like?

So I googled "Giant clitorus" (My brother told me to do it!!) and well...I was a little shocked at the results. I mean...wow...wow wow wow! Thats ...a little scary. I was a little scared. I mean, I guess its kinda cool. But yeah at the same time its scary. You are stuck between having a penis and a clitorus... its like...a cli-nis. Odd.

I think Id be embarrassed to show my girlfriend what I had 'downstairs'. I just wouldnt take my clothes off or let her touch me.

I wonder.. Can you masturbate with it just like a dick? Im a little curious again.... Maybe I should watch videos...

Ok, well I dont know if I told you or not...but I talked to my Dad about what name I should have. I thought if I was going to change my name, he should have a part of his decision. So he is involved in the process and maybe wont reject the transition. (Not that I really this is will)

So the name Alex has been marked as a "good name". I have 2 middle names (both girls names) that I thought I should change too. However, one of the names is the name of my late-grandmother. So I would like to keep that name in memorial to her. Ive heard of this being done before with men. So, all I need now is another middle name!!

I talked to my girlfriend about this. She was really surprised and had no idea I was going to change my name. Which then made me surprised because I was sure I talked about it and if I didnt, It seemed like a little bit of an obvious step. Hahaha. Anyway.
She wanted names like Jessie or James or Arthur. Which are names I agree on but arent suitable. Reasons being, one of those names was the name of her ex-boyfriend's friend.. and yeah...why would I want that connection? Lol. Also, the name would preferably be unisex. As that would just be really convinient. Jessie is unisex but there was a guy in my class called Jessie and he was a real asshole...It kinda spoiled the name for me.

My family vaguely know of this name - Alex. At first my second-eldest brother and his fiancee didnt agree on it because they couldnt see it but they told me yesterday that its kinda grown on them and it suits me nicely.

Sorry, I got a little off track. Yeah. Im looking for another middle name now. Perhaps James? I dont know.

I dressed up and took some pictures for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy :)







Do I look good? hahaha

Ok, well thats it for today! Love you all.
Ciao!

Tuesday's thoughts

I was thinking again about who I am and who I want to be.

Things like:

Do I want a family? What role will I play in that family? Am I a stay-at-home husband who cooks and cleans? Or can I get a job that pays well enough to support my family and give them a comfortable life?

Questions, questions, questions

I kept thinking as I continued shaving my face (In hope of one day having a beard!)

Then I stopped and my thoughts changed subject a little

Do I want a beard? Can I commit to it? What will my family who still accept me as female think? Will my girlfriend hate it?

Then I realised I think too much and when you think too much, you forget what you have learned and you doubt the things you know and believe.

So I jumped on the internet to see what I could find about "Who I am" or "Who I may be"

And I found this -

http://www.vch.ca/transhealth/resources/library/tcpdocs/consumer/youth.pdf

Its really simple and easy to understand. I thought it was really good. I recommend you read it! PLEASE!!

Its for people who are unsure about their gender or sexuality. It explains things and gives possible courses of actions.

Its not just for transgender people but also for parents of transgender, friends, family, extended family, the curious and so on.


What Did I Learn Today

- I'm still growing. Both inside and out
- My problem is not a problem but a gift
- Someone will ALWAYS love you. Just sometimes you dont know it
- I should never forget the simple joy in life.
- I'm really bad at cooking

Saturday

My Dad ordered a binder for me the other day. From Underworks.
I was looking at T-Kingdom for a long time but when Id read other FTM blogs and stuff there wasnt much of a crowd following them, I began to worry.

Are they all they seem?

I mean, the site is fabulous. Layout is good, pictures are clear, detailed information and product ratings. Its fantastic, truly.

So I looked around to see why people werent buying from them... and well, I came up with this.

The sizes are too small.

T-Kingdom is an Asian (Taiwan) company so the shirts are made for Asian bodies. For me, this isnt a problem at all 'cause Im a midget. But yeah, for most transguys out there its an issue.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I hate my chest. Hate it. Dont need it. Not at all.

My breasts have decided to do the most terrible thing imaginable. Grow.
Yes, I was an A-cup.
Was.
Just before my period they went BOOM! and just filled out like some sort of out of control floatation device. At one point, they were looking at being Bs but now...it seems they're deflating. Not completely back to normal but they are...still kinda bad. Ive had to revert back to wearing a bra.

Before I went out today I spent a large amount of time infront of the mirror shirtless. Im pretty damn happy with my body. My abs are great. My biceps are great. Shoulders are a bit on the short side but hey, they suit me. Its just those damn boobs!

Alright, Ill admit it. Ive positioned myself in certain ways to see how Id look flat.

In other news, Ive got a flat-lining libido. Stupid hormones.

Introduction

Hi,

You can call me Alex.

My parents are divorced and I have 3 older brothers aged, 25, 33 and 35

Im 17 years old.

My Hobbies include - Boxing and Martial Artist, Body Building, Using my computer, Studying Japanese and my Guitar.

Im currently unemployed and living in Australia. I have a wonderful girlfriend and we have been dating for almost 3 months now.
~*~*~*~*~

In June 2007, I made a sort of decision by labelling myself transgender. That means I believe the gender I have biologically (which is female) is different to my mindset. The road before this point has been long and confusing. And its definitely not over. What I thought I should do is document where Ive come from and my journey from here on.

I guess I should start from the very very very beginning. As far as I can remember back. When

I was three years old.

There is a photo of me in our living room of me in a dress. I remember going to get that photo taken. I remember I didnt like wearing dresses. They made me feel uncomfortable. I remember putting up a fight about what I was wearing. Especially the singlet. I hated it. So restricting and useless. And there were these flowers sown into the shirt. I hated it. It was the first time I remembered arguing over what I wore. But it wasnt the last.

I always wanted to be like my brothers! I wanted to wear the cool clothes my youngest brother wore!

My first friend was a boy. We'll call him Bruce. We met probably just before I was 4. We did everything together and we attended the same school. I hung out with him there too. We played Footy together (I was the only girl) and were always work partners.

I didnt like being forced to work with same-sex groups.

I didnt have any female friends. I thought they were a little boring and I couldnt relate.

I was a tomboy. People often mistook me for a boy (Always have). Even when I had long hair!

I wanted to always be the boy too. When we were playing games or make believe or something.

I had my first kiss with a boy in my class when I was seven. It was alright. I remember thinking it tasted really weird. After about the second meeting with him, I didnt wanna see him again.

When I was eight I wanted to be called Billy. But people generally didnt because it was a boys name. When I went on holidays though, I introduced myself as Billy and made friends with the boys on my street. I didnt tell them I was a girl. It was just easier if I didnt.

I often did that, even now, pretending to be a boy for one reason or another.

Kids in general started to date when we were 10 (Early, huh). I remember me and the guys all talking about crushing and when it came to who I like, it was always a girl. I didnt understand what that meant and I didnt really care.

I remember in the 5th Grade some girls asking me if I was going to get a sex change when I was older... I thought about it. I wasnt sure. I gave a vague answer.

Oh and yes, the entire time my mother was trying to get me interesting in girly things. Not to a terrible extent but subtle things like when I said I wanted to join boy scouts, I was signed up for girls brigade (which for the record was terrible and completely different from boy scouts) Fortunately she was open for me to play any sport (except that one time she signed me up for netball..god I hated that). So I dabbled in Cricket, Football, Karate, Judo and what not..

I had my first big crush when I was 12. This is when Brucey broke the term gay to me and I thought thats what I am (Although, I still didnt know what society thought of gay people at that time).

Bruce had started dating. He would go to parties with other boys to pick up chicks. I wanted to come too but he said I wasnt allowed. I didnt really get why (yes, Im not that smart) but it slowly sunk in that Im a girl and girls dont pick up other girls.

It annoyed me. I wanted to go. I wanted to be one of them, picking up chicks. This was one of many moments where I thought "Why wasnt I a boy!!"

My parents got a divorce at this time too. It was a little shocking. Our family broke. We were no longer "Together" but "Individual". So at this time, in more ways that one I lost all ideas of who I was.

Just before I turned 13, I had my first real kiss with a girl. And well, a lot of firsts with that girlfriend. She was bisexual and she really opened me up to Gay Media and the Gay World in general.

She was a femme who liked other femmes. So I had no idea why she liked me so much. She said she was happy for me to dress as I wanted but, like my mum, she wanted it to be femme too. Although she was a lot less annoying about it than my mother was. :)

I ended up shaving my head to the finest setting in the name of the "Shave for a cure" Fundraiser. I raised about 250 -300 dollars for cancer research, alone.

With my new hairstyle, I was happy but I got a lot of teasing. And it now extended more frequently to the bathroom. People would question my business there, calling me a boy of something. I ended up refraining from using the bathroom.

I got teased all my life. The question "Are you a boy or a girl?" was asked weekly when I was in primary school and junior high. Then in High School, it would be every day. Everyone asked me. The school was a Reception to Year 12 school so the questioning came from all ages.

I guess the highlight of 'physical abuse' would be when people drove past me, yelled something derogatory before ditching water balloons at me.

Even the teachers made mistakes. Referring to me as a he. And of course, the class would laugh loudly and for a really long time.

Yeh. I didnt like school.

I got in a fight with Bruce and I didnt really have friends for a long time. Which of course, makes you a prime target. I didnt help the situation by shaving my head and generally being a dork.

I retreated back into the company of girls as the guys grew up to be assholes.

I found a new group of friends to hang out with and I was able to use my gayness to a comedic advantage.

Then the only boy in that group came out to me. Turns out he was gay! His coming out was important to me because I didnt feel as alone anymore.

I never really met any lesbians. There were just a lot of people who were 'bisexual'.

Me? For the record, I generally hate men. The things they do, have done and the things they say and the way they treat women. It irritates me beyond belief. Being a women is shit and they dont exactly help.

But on the other hand, I have slept with men. The experience was not too great purely because I wasnt in love with them. I do, however, find an erection arousing. Fetish? Yeh, possibly.

I wished I had their body.

I then had a few girlfriends over the time of my puberty. Which I hated, and still hate. I wont be having children, I dont need a period.

As time went on the fight over what I wore became bigger and bigger. I decided to compromise with my mother and go for the sporty girl look. I grew my hair again and started to wear sports stuff, made my boobs seem bigger and la la la..

But nothing could kill my love for a shirt and tie.

It was probably from when I was about 15, I had already had a big interest in Japan, and a lot of stuff over there shows women as men (Takarazuka theatre for example). I wanted to do that. I wanted to dress up as a boy.

It was also about this time I looked up transsexuals and transgender on the net out of curiosity. Id never really had a clear idea on what the terms meant.

When I was 16, I went to Japan. I quickly reverted back to old habits. I hated my hair and cut it back to a boyish style. I also didnt wear any of the clothes I packed, I bought mens things (because they are small enough to fit me!!).

I also found out about Drag Kinging. The gender opposite of Drag Queening. It looked interesting and I wanted to give it a shot. So I did. On the weekends I started going out as a guy. I had the freedom over there to be as much of a guy I wanted.

I went all out, with a moustache and all. And I loved it.

I met my girlfriend (who is straight) around this time and we soon started dating. She told me she seems me as a boy but sometimes as a girl.

I should have mentioned that started from late last year I became sort of lost in my identity. I didnt want to be gay anymore. I didnt like it. But I didnt want to be straight. I couldnt love a guy and I knew they wouldnt want me the way I was either. I had no idea what to do.

So this freedom allowed me to go and explore who I was and what I felt comfortable as.

Id always wanted to be a guy. I thought I could do what I want and become who I feel like I was on the inside. I always wanted a beard. I wanted muscles. I wanted to go shirtless on hot days. I wanted to be a good husband with a wife and kids.

I had my life agenda all in my head. The thing was, I was in the wrong body for it all.

I told my mum how I feel. That I want to live my life as a boy. I also told my dad and my brothers. All who told me that they love me regardless. My mother is the one who isnt taking the best, I think. She just wants me to be a lesbian and proud of my body.

What I told my family was I was transgendered. My mind doesnt fit my body. Which is true, but not like most Transsexuals. I can see a difference between our feelings, as well as some similarities.

I dont identify as gay though. Only on technicality. Apart from that, I find the word doesnt fit me.
But Im not really transgendered either...am I.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Im Queerer than Queer